PISS ON EVER’THIN’ –
T’DAY’S SATURDAY, November 25, 2006
As stateside Americans mostly gorged themselves on Thanksgiving - Iraq saw “the single deadliest assault on Iraqi civilians since the start of the U.S.-led invasion in March 2003.” [WP, NYT, LAT]
A NATION OF FINKS!
Thanksgiving Prayer By: William S.
Burroughs
In 1986, writer Burroughs recited this Thanksgiving Prayer. It remains so
apropos…
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(THE STAND-UP begins right after the QUOTES)
UNSUBSCIBED:
Anita O'Day
(87) whose sassy renditions of "Honeysuckle Rose," "Sweet
Georgia Brown" and other song standards that made her one of the most
respected jazz vocalists of the 1940s and '50s, has died. She began her career
in her teens and later recorded hits with Stan Kenton and Gene Krupa. Her
highly stylized performance of other songs like "And Her Tears Flowed Like
Wine," and "Let Me Off Uptown," made her famous the world over.
Wild, drug-related behavior and occasional stints in jail on drug charges
earned her the nickname "Jezebel of Jazz," a term she hated. 
Robert
Altman (81) film director whose satirical wit and staggering ensemble
casts helped to make him one of the most distinctive voices in American cinema.
Altman was a five-time Oscar nominee for best director whose vast, eclectic
filmography ranged from the dark war comedy M*A*S*H to the Hollywood farce The Player to the British murder mystery Gosford
Park. When he
won a lifetime achievement Oscar in 2006, Altman revealed that he’d had a heart
transplant in 1996. He died of cancer in Los
Angeles, on November 20, 2006.
Robert
Lockwood Jr. (91) pioneering Mississippi Delta blues guitarist and
singer who forged a career in Cleveland.
Lockwood was born in Arkansas.
At 11, he started guitar lessons with legendary bluesman Robert Johnson and
later became a musical mentor to B. B. King, who listened to Lockwood in the
’40s on the King Biscuit Time radio show. Lockwood suffered a stroke on
November 3 and died of respiratory failure in Cleveland
on November 21, 2006.
Walid
Hassan (47) popular Iraqi actor who gave hard-pressed Iraqis comic
relief by poking fun at everything from politicians to long lines at gas
stations. Hassan was the Shiite star of Caricature, a weekend satire on
Al-Sharqiyah TV known for its dark humor about the country’s many problems. He
made fun of coalition forces, militias, insurgents and government officials on
television in Iraq. He was shot to death while driving through Baghdad on November 20, 2006. That settles it, the sequel to Borat will NOT be set in Baghdad.
BIRTHDAY GREETINGS TO:
Adolph Arthur “Harpo” Marx would be 118;
Buffalo Bob Smith would be 88; Actor Ricardo Montalban is 85; William F.
Buckley, Jr. is 81; Caroline Kennedy Schlossberg is 48; JFK, Jr. would be 45; America's News Anchor Jon Stewart is 44;
The Hardest Workin’ Drop-Dead Gorgeous Woman on Two Great Legs in Show
Business, the Definitive Rock Singer, Tina Turner is 67;
Lovely Actress Mariel Hemingway is 45;
Veteran Award-Winning Actress Scarlett Johansson is 22.
QUOTE/UNQUOTE
"The habit of ignoring Nature is deeply implanted in our times. This attitude reminds me of people who never look you in the eye; I find them disturbing and always have to look away." [Marc Chagall]
The skeptic has no illusions about life, nor a vain belief
in the promise of immortality. Since this life here and now is all we can know,
our most reasonable option is to live it fully.
[Paul Kurtz - founder, Skeptical Inquirer, Free Inquiry magazines]
"The cost of giving Americans universal health care is about $300 billion. That's less than a quarter of what Bush's Iraq fiasco is going to cost…” [Eric Alterman]
“I laughed like an inebriate hyena at the banal tableau of Rick Santorum exiting American history…” [Mick Farren]
Clay (all-but-out) Aiken put his hand over Kelly Ripa's mouth to
prevent her from speaking - on her own damn show! Ripa pulled his hand
away and said, "That's a no-no. I don't know where that hand has
been, Honey."
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WELL HOWDY, REV’LERS!
Here in Metro Fairborn, Ohio we got so much rainfall last week
that the biker next door accused Aquaman of hittin' on his wife.
WHAT HAPPENS IN FAIRBORN, STAYS IN FAIRBORN!
Boy - after a few days of Spring-like temperatures and torrential rains here
in Fairborn - conditions got worse. It got so cold early in the week that the biker who lives next door paid
the Central Avenue hooker twenty bucks to blow on his hands.
WHITE LION CUB
This
week was National No Name-Calling Week in Fairborn public schools. They don’t want any
name-calling in our public schools. What dipshit came up with this idea?
When
Da Pagan Baby & I first moved to Fairborn three years ago, we decided to take a leisurely stroll through the Hysterical
District. We came to this big, beautiful restored 19th-Century home
and suddenly we realized there was a couple making love out on the lawn. Then
we noticed another couple over behind a tree. There was another couple behind
some bushes by the house. I walked up to the door of the house, and knocked. A
well dressed woman answered the door, and I asked what kind of a place this
was.
"This is a whorehouse!" replied the madam.
"Well, what's all this out on the lawn?" I asked.
"Oh, we're
having a yard sale!”
We went to the animal shelter in Greene
County Wednesday and adopted a stray turkey. They taste just as good as the ones
from Kroger’s.
Wal-Mart’s
sellin’ those DVD players that edit out all sex and violence from network and
cable broadcasts. It's aimed at a highly specialized market. It's for people who don't want the
expense and upkeep of an aquarium in their living room.
I
was telling Dave about an article I read about how coyotes have adapted remarkably
to urban living - except they never have correct change for the subway.
Dave believes that if coyotes tried harder, they could have been dogs. You
know, if they were just a bit friendlier, more loyal and learned to be
housebroken, they'd be enjoying far better lives. But I suppose the same thing
could be said for horses, penguins and Michael Richards.
Jim says he can tell the occupation of the
woman he’s making love to, say, a teacher, a nurse or an airline stewardess.
For instance,
a teacher says, “We’re going to do this over and over again ‘til
we get it right.”
A nurse says,
“Hold still - this won't hurt a bit.”
And an airline
stewardess says, “Put this over your mouth and nose and
breathe normally…”
Catholics claim the Protestants are wrong.
Protestants claim Catholics are wrong. Da Rev agrees with both groups in
this matter.
Allah is like Jehovah in a turban.
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If Christ touches the Antichrist, do both disappear in a burst of gamma rays?
Da Rev was raised in a Christian household (Yes,
Catholics are Christians, too!).
But I gotta say Batman better informed my life and provided a
positive role model, whereas Jesus seemed a lot like those guys parading before
Joe McCarthy’s House Un-American Activities Committee in the ‘50s: “ARE YOU NOW OR HAVE YOU EVER BEEN A FILTHY
ROTTEN RAT COMMIE?”
“UH, WELL - I GAVE UP ALL MY MATERIAL GOODS AND COMFORTS
TO FOLLOW THAT GUY WHO SAID ‘THE MEEK SHALL INHERIT THE EARTH’!”
WHAT IF JESUS
CAME OUT AS THE REDEEMER TODAY?!?
He’d mosey into town (D.C.? New York City? L.A.?!?) Jerusalem on a donkey. It’s in the book. If you would be Messiah you must
ride into town on an ass. People would follow him, if only out
of morbid curiosity - until he told
'em to leave all the stuff and gizmos behind.
Pundits would split into camps, one bunch proclaiming him
a “has been”; the others, a “definitely won’t be”.
People might say his speeches are as
tedious as John Kerry’s.
He sets low goals and
consistently fails to meet them.
Hillary opines that this Jesus who hasn’t fed any poor
hungry people may be depriving a village somewhere of an idiot.
"I should have killed
that *@#^$!% Rev. Art when I had him in First Grade!"
FATE [A Sufi Tale] An elephant and a mouse fell in love. On the wedding night the elephant
kneeled over and died. The mouse said, Oh Fate! I have unknowingly bartered one
moment of pleasure and tons of imagination for a life time of digging a grave.
PERCHANCE TO DREAM . . . an exercise.
You are -
BLANK- years old.
Your dream
is to:
Leave
your mark.
Da Rev said: "Hell - I can do this
I am 64
years old.
My dream is
to: spread peace, love and understanding; to discover - really -why can’t we
all just get along?; to spit in Sam Brownback’s food; to stick a booger in Beverly LaHaye’s pile of hair; tie Pat Buchanan to his bed and tattoo a big pink
swastika on his forehead. Mmmm . . . that’s all I can think of for now.
Leaving
my mark.
I must be OFF!
THIS
JUST ___ IN!!
Who are the frontrunners for the 2008 presidential
sweepstakes? Hillary’s still the person to beat. She’s a pretty savvy
politician. For example – on the controversial issue of abortion - she has
called for both sides of the abortion debate to find common ground. She wants
women to know how to AVOID UNWANTED PREGNANCIES. This means that in a Hillary Clinton Administration, Monica Lewinsky
could be Surgeon General.
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CRAMER USES THE "N-WORD"
-
"I thought
that our viewers understood the term 'Nominal Yield.'"
LENO:
President Bush was in Vietnam. I don’t think he gets it. For example today he called John McCain and said,
"I stayed at that Hanoi Hilton you’re always talking about and it wasn’t
that bad.”
Comedian Argus Hamilton offers these musings on the week that was...
President Bush arrived in Vietnam Friday as his job approval ratings at home continued to sink. The timing of his
trip says it all. Thirty-five years after staying in America to get out of Vietnam, he's
gone to Vietnam to get out
of America.
President Bush was cheered by thousands of Vietnamese who lined the streets of Ho Chi Minh City Sunday. People lined up to show their gratitude. They began cheering him as soon as it became clear he was not trying to bring freedom to Vietnam.
Air Force One was grounded by a mechanical problem in Vietnam on
Sunday. The president was forced to take off from Ho Chi Minh City in an emergency back-up
aircraft. It's not officially a quagmire until the U.S. leaves Saigon in a helicopter.
Senate Republicans honored Trent Lott on Friday by returning the Mississippi senator to the leadership post of Minority Whip. The Republicans are in disarray. They elected a guy from Mississippi to whip the minority and now the minority is white!
Henry Kissinger told London newspapers the U.S. must exit Iraq because the war is unwinnable. You remember him. He's the Secretary of State who used his charm and intellect to establish permanent peace in the Middle East thirty-five years ago.
The Department of Agriculture redefined hunger in America Monday.
They said there are no hungry Americans, only Americans with very low food
security. Leave it to the Bush administration to make a growling stomach sound
like al-Qaeda chatter.
HERE’S SOMETHIN’ REALLY, REALLY IMPORTANT!!
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Comedian Argus Hamilton
President Bush delivered his annual Thanksgiving week
message of goodwill to the nation Wednesday while meeting with reporters in the
Rose Garden. He then pardoned a big skinny white turkey. Michael Richards was
overwhelmed with gratitude.
O.J. Simpson's Fox Network interview and his book deal were canceled Monday by
Rupert Murdoch's broadcasting and publishing companies. The heat was too
intense. The Fox stations refused to carry it unless Michael Richards conducted
the interview.
(By the way - after seeing the scorn heaped upon Simpson, Mel Gibson now says he was misquoted, and that he actually said "The Juice is responsible for all the wars in the world.")
Thanksgiving honors the Puritans landing in Massachusetts after the Cavaliers had already landed in Virginia. America was founded by the two rival factions. The Puritan holiday is Thanksgiving and the Cavalier holiday is Dean Martin's Birthday.
The Food and Drug Administration approved silicone gel
implants for cosmetic breast enhancement. There's a warning. Silicone gel
implants are softer and look more natural, but a lifetime of free drinks might
cause all kinds of health problems.
WARNING! RATED PG-34!
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10-year-old boy Tommy is skateboarding in the park with a cigarette
hanging out his mouth. He passes a nun sitting on a park bench. The nun notices
this and says to the boy, “When did you start smoking?”
Tommy says, “I was 7. and I’ve also had sex!”
The nun asks, “At what age did you begin having sex?”
The kid says, “I CAN’T REMEMBER - I WAS TOO DRUNK!”
CSI'S EMILY PROCTOR UNCOVERS THE EVIDENCE
What do you get if you cross a biker and a Jehovah’s
Witness?
Someone who knocks on your door and tells you to get fucked!
This big, nasty, sweaty woman wearing a sleeveless sundress
walks into a bar. She raises her right arm, revealing a big, hairy armpit as
she points to all the people sitting at the bar and asks, "What man out
there will buy a lady a drink?" The whole bar goes dead silent, as the
patrons try to ignore her.
At the end of the bar, a skinny little drunk slams his hand on the bar and
says, "Bartender! I want to buy that ballerina a drink!" The
bartender pours the drink and the woman chugs it down. After she’s completed
the drink, she turns again to the patrons and points around at all of them,
again revealing her hairy armpit, saying, "What man out there will buy a
lady a drink?"
Once again, the little drunk slaps his hand down on the bar and says,
"Bartender! I’d like to buy the ballerina another drink!" After
serving the lady her second drink, the bartender approaches the little drunk
and says, "It’s your business if you want to buy the lady a drink, but why
do you call her a ballerina?"
The drunk replies, "Sir! In my eyes, any woman who can lift her leg up
that high has got to be a ballerina!"
A guy walks into a bar.
He sustains a mild concussion…
Jack wakes up at home with a huge hangover he can’t believe.
He forces himself to open his eyes, and the first thing he sees is a couple of
aspirins next to a glass of water on the side table. And, next to them, a
single red rose!
Jack sits down and sees his clothing in front of him, all clean and pressed.
Jack looks around the room and sees that it is in perfect order, spotlessly
clean. So is the rest of the house. He takes the aspirins, cringes when he sees
a huge black eye staring back at him in the bathroom mirror, and notices a note
on the table:
"Honey, breakfast is on the stove, I left early to go shopping-Love
you!"
He stumbles to the kitchen and sure enough, there is hot breakfast and the
morning newspaper. His son is also at the table, eating. Jack
asks,"Son...what happened last night?"
"Well, you came home after 3 A.M.., drunk and out of your mind. You broke
some furniture, puked in the hallway, and got that black eye when you ran into
the door."
"So, why is everything in such perfect order, so clean, I have a rose, and
breakfast is on the table waiting for me?"
His son replies, "Oh THAT!... Mom dragged you to the bedroom, and when she
tried to take your pants off, you screamed,
"Leave me alone, lady, I’m married!"
Let's see...
>>Broken furniture - $85.26
>>Hot Breakfast - $4.20
>>Red Rose bud -$3.00
>>Two Aspirins -$.38
>>Saying the right thing, at the right
time... Priceless.
Good fortune. Please
spread the meme. Comment. Comment. Comment.
Don't smoke in bed…
