PISS ON EVER’THIN’ –
T’DAY’S SATURDAY, December 2, 2006
(Click on any image to ENLARGE it.)
(THE STAND-UP begins right after the QUOTES)
UNSUBSCIBED:
ROBERT H-BOMB" FERGUSON (77) pioneer blues shouter and pianist known as
“H-Bomb’’ because of his booming voice, who urged listeners to “Rock, Baby,
Rock’’ at the dawn of the rock ’n’ roll era.
Ferguson, whose recording of “Good Lovin’’
won a gold record in 1952, quit music in the ’70s but resumed performing in the
mid-’80s. He sang and played piano in a flamboyant style, wearing colorful
wigs. He died of emphysema and cardiopulmonary disease in Cincinnati, Ohio on November 26, 2006.
Da Rev saw “H-Bomb” with his orchestra @ Wampler’s (now Hara) Ball
Arena in ''D-town" in 1958. He was promoting his breakout single “I
Don’t Want No Sacky-Sack”, a hard-rockin’
novelty commentary on the “Sack Dress” styles originated by the House
of Dior,
with H’Bomb shouting, “Ain’ got NO shape in the BACK, I don’ want no
sacky-sack…”
The flip side was a classic R & B jump-calypso tune, Spaghetti
& One
Meat Ball”…
DEWEY READMORE BOOKS (19) cat who became a mascot for an Iowa library. The temperature was minus 10
when two librarians found Dewey under a pile of books in the library’s book
drop when they came to work one morning in January 1988. He was named after the
Dewey Decimal System, used in most libraries to catalogue books. Dewey became
famous, with TV crews coming from as far away as Japan to do stories about him. He
died of stomach cancer in Spencer, Iowa on November 29, 2006.
EMMET KELLY, JR. (83) son of one of the nation’s most famous hobo clowns who
followed his father into a career under the big top. In 1960, with the makeup
and blessing of his father, Kelly Jr. made his clown debut at the Circus
Festival in Peru, Indiana. Besides touring
with the circus, Kelly later entertained at more than 2,800 hospitals and was
featured in print ads and TV commercials. He died of pneumonia in Tombstone, Arizona
on November 29, 2006.
BIRTHDAY GREETINGS TO:
Congressman Adam Clayton Powell, Jr. would be 98; Black female presidential
candidate, Congresswoman Shirley Chisholm would be 82; One of the great
versatile second-rung actors, Richard Crenna would be 80; Country Singer Ferlin
Husky is 81;
Ornery Songstress Jaye P. Morgan is 75;
Gorgeous Rock Pioneer Little Richard Penniman admits to 73;
Our favorite “B-Movie” actor, Jeff Fahey is
50 OR 54;
Fashion Designer Gianni Versace would be 60; Playwright-Director David Mamet is 59; Comedian-Actor Richard Pryor
would be 66; Songwriter-Musician JJ Cale is 67; another
great “B”-Thespian, Steven Bauer is 50;
Outrageous Comedian-Actress Sarah Silverman
is 26;
QUOTE/UNQUOTE
“The drugs ruined (director) Sam
Peckinpah, not the hooch.” [Rich
English, @ drunkard.com]
“Franklin Delano Roosevelt made the most sensible, heroic, and utterly
compassionate executive decision ever by anyone who resided at 1600 Pennsylvania Avenue.
He repealed Prohibition.” [Brian Abrams@ drunkard.com]
“But I venture the challenging statement that if American
democracy ceases to move forward as a living force, seeking day and night by
peaceful means to better the lot of our citizens, then Fascism and Communism,
aided, unconsciously perhaps, by old-line Tory Republicanism, will grow in
strength in our land.”
[Franklin D. Roosevelt, November 4, 1938]
(Click
on any image to ENLARGE it.)
WELL HOWDY, REV’LERS!
Da Pagan Baby & I happily welcome you to
our dazzling, twinkling, glittering Solstice yard display in Metro
Fairborn, Ohio. Merry Christmahanukkawanzaa and Ramalama-ding-dong to all!
Let us do all we can to unify the opposing forces in the universe.
Da Rev is comfortable enough in his manhood to point out that his sensitive female side is wearing sensible leather pumps.
I’ve been perusing the Fairborn Herald Classifieds:
This looked interesting – under * Help
Wanted -
Goo Humor Ice Cream man position hiring for May-September
Great pay and career choice for a clean cut person who can add and
subtract. The successful applicant will proudly wear an ice cream mans
uniform and hat and be required to peddle a bicycle cart ten miles a day
throughout our town. Please submit a hand written resume in person to our
office located at 54 Main St., Fairborn. (Please note that we
are an equal opportunity employer - Men between the ages of thirty two and
sixty are encouraged to apply)
Paper Boy - The Fairborn Herald has a position for paper
deliveries in the North section of town. Only strong boys who are able to
carry a paper bag containing two hundred papers are encouraged to apply.
Please stop in at our office located at 1 Herald Square in Fairborn for an interview.
* Items For Sale -
Eight Track Player -
Like new! (Skips Only A Few Times) Now you can listen to all your
favorite beetle music without having to spin records the old fashion way.
Only $19.00 - See Clarence Brown IX at the Fairborn Herald.
Black And White TV - Large screen - 19 inches. (Watching Bonanza on this TV
is like having Ben Cartwright in your living room! $35.00 - Call society
editor Helen Tubsman Brown.
It's blustery here in Metro Fairborn, with
winds up to 60 mph or so. There are several lighted reindeer lyin' on the
ground along our street. Our concrete goose is weathering the blasts and
standin’ upright thus far – but I’m afraid his Yule Druid robe is in the wind…
Comicarzy:
And there’s this big story, according to a Greene County Sheriff's Report
(Obey The Law *
This Means You!):
An all points bulletin was issued by Deputy Sheriff
Farley Chortle informing all law enforcement officials and citizens to be on
the lookout for a cheesy looking girl sporting black rooted bleach blonde hair,
white go-go boots and a set of bright red stick-on fingernails. The girl
was also described as snapping her bubblegum very loudly. A frantic
caller placed a call to the sheriff's office on Saturday stating that the
above described girl had ripped off a set of stick-on fingernails at the garage
sale of Fairborn resident Mrs. Elroy T. Hofacker. Deputy sheriff Chortle arrived on the
scene only to find a distraught Mrs. Hofacker in a near
frantic state of mind over the incident. After calming down, Rayetta Hofacker
gave a complete description to the deputy and explained that the set of
stick-on fingernails - used only once - had a resale value of at least $0.75.
It is Da Rev’s fervent desire – that every single Mother’s son and daughter gathered
here today – will be inspired to accept provolone and pastrami into their
lives!
School reunions are fun if
there’s plenty o’ booze available. Otherwise, it can be pretty damn depressing
to realize all your former class mates are OLD! I had an old friend come over
to me at our last reunion. We immediately fell to chatting, and enjoying each
other''s company. Finally, I turned to the other fellow and said, "Please
don''t be angry with me, but I am embarrassed, after all these years. . . What
is your name? I am trying to remember, but I just can't."
My old mate stared at me,
looking very distressed. He didn’t speak for two full minutes, and finally,
with tears wellin’ in his eyes, he said, "How soon do you have to
know?"
I understand we have a
visitor from England… your name is Nigel? Of course it would be. Y’ say your beer is black? Yeah,
it’s Guinness - you know - Irish.
No, a leprechaun did NOT crap in it.
Hey, Nigel – j’ ever get a piece o’ ass from that Diana chick?!
On the Day of Frigga 11:10 - GOD
MADE BORAT!
What?! You still don’t know from Borat?! Enlighten yourself here – now!
Check out the buffet… We have glazed donuts – the building blocks of the
universe!
Y’ know the whole world’s sick of our foreign
policy arrogance. But really, if not the USA, what other country can step up
to the task of bullying everyone else into submission. I pick the French. Sure,
they’ve bitched loudest and longest about the way the Brits and the Americans
try to dominate world policy. For that, they should have the chance to take all
the heat for a few decades. Besides, aren’t the French just Germans who can
make great sauces?
OCELOT CUB, 2-MONTHS
Has anyone ever seen an elephant stand on a marshmallow? Seriously, I have. I’m
sure she was afraid of falling into the hot chocolate…
drunkard.com
I can’t say enough about the benefits of alcohol. I drink red wine just for the
anti-oxidants.
Gimme a double banger o’ Jameson’s and a pint o’ Guinness and you’ve got a
friend for life. We drink to reward ourselves for makin’ it through all the crap
that comes our way, am I right? Y’ know, Hemingway shot himself after being
sober for two months?!
Hey – y’ did your goddamn monkey dance for the Man t’day and now you get your
monkey treat. Besides, the word on the street is the booze has been trash
talking you all day.
Remember - your friends CAN’T
have a good time without you.
Or - your friends MIGHT have a good time without you.
It’s far better to have a good time you
won’t remember than a dull one you will.
Oh, you tee-totalers swear you’re
having fun without the benefit of alcohol, but you know what? Having fun is for
assholes!
(Click
on any image to ENLARGE it.)
Wow, Da Rev has added another cool gizmo to
the blog: See “How Many Other People Have Your Name” in the top right corner…
and Click!
There are 299,968,595 people in this country, how many have your name? How many
have tattoos in the same private area of their bodies?
There are 13,499 people in the U.S with the first name Art; only 1,470 people in the U.S. with the Da Rev’s LAST name.
No other person with my first & last name was found. (And, NO ONE had the
first name “Rev.”) How
many have your name?
Da Pagan Baby once got drunk with Hunter
Thompson back in the ‘60s. I was on tour with The Underdogs in southwestern Indiana and she was travellin’ in Colorado at the time. There was a rumor that
the Doctor of Journalism was hiding out somewhere up in the hills hunting deer.
She and a friend decided to investigate and found the cabin. There was a party
goin’ on. She got to witness Dr. Gonzo blacked out first hand. He had gotten into
a fight with one of his hunting buddies and passed out on the pool table.
My sons will be relieved to hear that rules out the possibility that either is Hunter
Thompson’s bastard son.
Ah,
welcome to the fray, Father Flotzky. I’m not going to argue with you today, so
don’t start. You don’t fight fair. "You get that answer when
you get to Heaven, Son," just won’t cut it, Padre…
Hey, y’ can learn a lot from readin’ The Wall
Street Journal online. Here’s a taste from The
WSJ Washington Wire from Friday: “A bong is a popular device used to smoke marijuana,
inhalation from which is commonly known as a ‘bong hit’.” Far out, man!
OVERHEARD, SANTA: "AW, FUCK IT ALL..."
Hey! My pal Biersack got a penis transplant. It didn’t go well. His hand
rejected it…
Ahhh,
frivolity is a stern taskmaster. I must be OFF!
THIS
JUST ___ IN!!
When Bush said Nouri Kamal al-Malarkey (Iraqi
Prime Minister at the time this was
posted) was "the right guy for Iraq," it recalled his
infamous "heck of a job" comment about “Brownie” during the Katrina SNAFU.
Glen Greenwald
(1) Things in Iraq are disastrous and our current policy there is a total failure.
(2) Our troop presence is not improving the situation; things have gotten
steadily worse.
(3) There may be goals that, if theoretically met, would improve things, but
those goals can't and won't be met -- either because we lack the resources or
because they are just not achievable.
(4) No matter what, we absolutely cannot begin withdrawing, and those who want
to do so are radical and unserious.
More: “(Tom) Friedman is truly one of the most
frivolous, dishonest, and morally bankrupt public intellectuals burdening this
country.”
And: “… of serious, sober political "leaders" who (a) recognize that
our current course is a failure, (b) acknowledge that no real alternative
exists, but nonetheless (c) lack the courage and integrity to advocate
withdrawal… John McCain is the worst and most glaring example.”
Wonkette
Iranian President Mahmoud Ahmadinejad wants you to know he cares! America’s favorite Pen Pal sent a great
new letter to all of us, but it’s pretty long and complicated and Americans
are just barely literate, so as a Public Service we’ve collected the
highlights:
- Says:
Americans are “god fearing,” apparently unaware that America’s god totally hates Iran’s god. - Foolishly believes Americans care about the “ever-worsening pain and misery of the Palestinian people.” Americans only care about Israel, because it’s in the bible and soon Jesus is going to come back, to Israel, and kill everybody.
- Considers
it “extremely unlikely that you, the American people, consent to the
billions of dollars of annual expenditure from your treasury for this
military misadventure.” Americans don’t even know what this means.
- Asks, “Is there not a better approach to governance?” That’s kind of cute...
Paraphrasing those memorable Pete Seeger lyrics, Senate Majority Leader (at the time this was posted) Bill Frist said,
“… for everything there is a season, and for me, for now, this season of being an elected official has come to a close… I do not intend to run for president in 2008."
The audible reaction everywhere was, “AWWwww…”
Wonkette
Bill Orally’s Wars On Vampires,
Christmas…
America’s crazy uncle who
won’t shut up is at it again, and this time he’s insulting U.S. vampires by denigrating their patron saint, Dracula.
“Emboldened by the Democrat victory earlier this month, the far left is rising like Dracula at midnight.”
Whatever… And Dracula didn’t
“rise at midnight” any more than your precious Jesus “rose on Sunday.”
(Click on any image to ENLARGE it.)
Anti-Pope Protest
Tens of thousands of Turks protested against Pope Benedict XVI's upcoming visit
to Istanbul today. It's not clear if the demonstrators were angry about the Pope's comments
disparaging Islam, or for his criticism of anal sex.
Rising Hegemon
So
how about a little musical salute to Mitt Romney's undergarments?
(to the tune of "Walking in our Winter Underwear)
Doorbells ring - in the mornin’?
It's our Mission" for Implorin'.
That Mitt's Number One for replacin' God's son!
Presidin' in his Mormon Underwear.
![]()
He's good lookin' there's no denying, for his pants J-Lo's tryin'.
But he's purer than Christ, and at least twice as nice!
Posin' in his Mormon underwear.
On FoxNews Sean can build a strawman,
then pretend that Mormons are okay.
People will say, "Yeah, but they're all freaks, man!"
Hey at least the wacky Mormons aren't gay.
Later on, we’ll conspire
as we dream by the fire.
As snug as a bug in an Osmond girl's rug!
Touchin’ Mitt's open Mormon underwear.
Condoleezza Rice addressed
reporters in Ho Chi Minh City last week and
raved about Vietnam's spectacular economy. A gentle elbow to the ribs cut her short. She stopped before saying this is an
example of what happens when America cuts
and runs.
Iowa Governor Tom Vilsack made the announcement that he's running for president
at a potluck supper in Iowa on Wednesday. His wife brought a cheesy corn casserole to the supper which won
a blue ribbon at the Iowa State Fair. To match that, Bill Clinton is working on
a grilled cheese sandwich that he makes on the hot plate in his doghouse.
Pope Benedict flew to Turkey Tuesday
where tens of thousands of angry demonstrators awaited his arrival. It didn't
faze him. He got the same reception when he went to Poland
and France and Russia, but
that was when he was with the German Army.
President Bush refused to call the Iraq
insurgency a civil war. He's being asked to leave Iraq
the same week that his daughters were asked to leave Argentina. The Latin motto
underneath the Bush family crest reads, "Persona non Grata".
GOP Senator Sam Brownback
said Sunday he was praying about whether he should run for the presidency. He's
wasting his time. The Republicans will nominate a candidate who talks to Hugh
Hefner before they pick another one that talks to Jesus.
Pope Benedict preached at a mosque in Istanbul
during his trip to Turkey. This has never been done. Comedians love to perform where
nobody's ever heard their material before.
HERE’S SOMETHIN’ REALLY,
REALLY IMPORTANT!!
(Click on any image to ENLARGE it.)
Yoko Ono has called for a day of worldwide healing on December 8. Sunnis,
Shiites, Kurds, Israelites, Neo-Cons and Noam Chomsky all agree it’s worth a
try – as long as nobody lets that bitch sing!
YUP, Britney really flashed the beaver for the paparazzi this week as she and her new friend Paris Hilton showed their asses...
Bartcop
Paris shows Britney how
to close her legs when going commando.
More from Jake...
Transgender Actor
ABC's All My Children this week will introduce a transgender character who is
making the transition from a man into a woman. Of course the fastest and
easiest way for a man to turn into a woman is to watch "All My Children."
"N" Word
Pledge
Following Michael Richards' tirade, black leaders are demanding that all
entertainers, black and white, stop using the "N" word. As a result,
all rap songs will now be only 30 seconds long.
Michael Richards got a week
of international publicity after his racist rant aired. It's ominous. If a
racist rant can make a New Yorker world famous, then perhaps next year's
Country Music Awards ought to be telecast on a seven-second delay.
(LAST YEAR'S HOLIDAY PARTY WAS IN A SWANKIER VENUE... )
Michael Richards'What the comedian publicist
reversed himself and said the comedian is not Jewish, after
previously saying he was Jewish following his racist rant. It was an honest
misunderstanding. What the comediansaid was that he's become CIRCUMSPECT!
Danny DeVito bragged on The
View Wednesday about having sex with his wife in the White House when Bill
Clinton was president. People were outraged. If we wanted a man to have sex
with his wife in the White House we would never have elected Bill Clinton.
The Nativity Story premiered
at the Vatican movie theater Sunday. The
16-year-old actress who plays Mary happens to be pregnant out of wedlock, just like the
real Mary. It isthe weirdest post-Bible movie coincidence since Mel Gibson was
crucified in July.
(Click on any image to ENLARGE it.)
LOOK - MADONNA'S PLAYIN' WITH HER PUSSY!
It's the spring of 1957 and
Bobby goes to pick up his date, Peggy Sue. Bobby's a pretty hip guy with his
own car and a ducktail hairdo. At the front door Peggy Sue's father answers and
invites him in.
'Peggy Sue's not ready yet, so why don't you
have a seat?' he says.
'That''s cool.' says Bobby.
Peggy Sue''s father asks Bobby what they are planning to do. Bobby replies
politely that they will probably just go to the malt shop or to a drive-in
movie. Peggy Sue's father responds, 'Why don't you kids go out and screw? I
hear all of the kids are doing it.' Naturally this comes as quite a surprise to
Bobby and he says, 'Whaaaat?'
'Yeah,' says Peggy Sue''s father, 'Peggy Sue really likes to screw; she'll
screw all night if we let her!'
Bobby's eyes light up and he smiles from ear to ear as he mentally revises the
night's plans. A few minutes later, Peggy Sue comes downstairs in her little poodle
skirt with her saddle shoes and announces that she's ready to go. Almost
breathless with anticipation, Bobby escorts his date out the front door while
Dad is saying, 'Have a good evening, kids!'
About 20 minutes later, a thoroughly disheveled Peggy Sue rushes back into the
house, slams the door behind her and screams at her father: 'Dammit, Daddy! The
twist! It’s called the twist!!’
Three men all die on
Christmas Day, and arrive at the pearly gates. Peter greets them and tells them
that they are all evil men who SHOULD go to hell - but because it's Christmas,
he'll let them into heaven if they have something representing the holiday with
them. One of the guys just happens to have a Christmas ornament, and gets in.
Another guy has pine needles on his shirt, and gets in. The third guy pulls out
a pair of panties.
"How do those represent
Christmas?" asks Peter.
"These are
Carol's..."
One day, a little boy wrote to Santa Clause, "Please send me a
sister."
Santa Clause wrote him back, "Ok, send me your mother."
ATHLETE BRANDI CHASTAIN
A man with an average
handicap decides to play a round of golf one day. He heads to the starters'
area where he is paired with a woman. ''Damn, a woman," he says.
"This is going to be horrible.''
As he approaches her, he
finds that she is very beautiful and figures this might not be a bad day after
all. They head out to the first hole. The man looks to his partner, and says,
"If I hole this putt, would you consider going out to dinner with me
tonight?"
She agrees, so he lines it up, swings, and sinks it. They play a couple more
holes and approach the ninth. Both are lying 3 on this long par 5 and again the
man looks up to the woman before his putt. "If I hole this putt, will you
kiss me goodbye after the date?"
She says yes and he sinks the 10 footer for birdie. They approach the 17th and
both are lying 2 on the par 4 hole. He looks up again. "Will you consider
coming up to my apartment if I hole this out right here?"
She says yes and he lines up the short 3-footer and right down the middle it
goes. On the 18th, the woman is lying 3, about 40 feet from the hole. She looks
to the man and says, "If I sink this putt, you have to fuck me silly all
night."
The man says yes so she lines up her putt, takes a backswing and....
"Wait, wait, wait!" the man says. "Pick it up, it's a
gimme."
FLASHIN' @ MARDI GRAS
Four surgeons were sitting around discussing
who they like to operate on. The first surgeon said, "I like operating on
librarians. When you open them up everything is in alphabetical
order".
The second surgeon said, "I like operating on accountants. When you
open them up everything is in numerical order".
The third surgeon said, "I like operating on electricians. When you
open them up everything is color coded.
The fourth surgeon said, "I like operating on lawyers".
The other three surgeons looked at each other in disbelief. One of them
asked why.
The fourth surgeon replied, "Because they are heartless, gutless,
spineless, and their ass and head are interchangeable".
One morning, a man approached
the first tee, only to find another guy approaching from the other side. They
began talking and decided to play 9 holes together. After teeing off, they sat
off down the fairway, continuing their chat. "What do you do?" the
first man asked.
"I'm a salesman. What about you?"
"I'm a hitman for the mob," replied the second man.
The hitman noticed that the 1st guy started getting a little nervous and
continued, "Yeah, I'm the highest paid guy in the business. I'm the
best."
He stopped, sat down his bag of clubs, and pulled out a fancy, high powered
rifle that was loaded with all types of scopes and sights. He then asked the
man where he lived. Still nervous the man replied, "In a subdivision just
west of here."
The hitman placed the gun against his shoulder, faced west, peered into a scope
and asked "What color roof ya' got?"
"Gray."
Then he asked "What color siding?"
"Yellow."
"You got a silver Toyota"
"Yeah," replied the first man who was now completely amazed by the
accuracy of the hitman's equipment. "That's my wife's car."
"That your red pickup next to it?"
Looking baffled the man asked if he could look through the scope. Looking
through the sights, he said "Hell. That's my buddy Jeff's truck. What the
hell is he doing there if I'm..?"
The hitman looked through the scope once more. "Your wife a blond and your
buddy got black hair?"
The man nodded.
"Well, I don't know how to tell you, but I think you've got a problem.
They're going at it like a couple of teenagers in there." said the hitman.
"Problem??! THEY'VE got the problem! I want you to shoot both of them!
Right now!" The hitman paused and said, "Sure. But it'll cost you.
Like I said, I'm the best. I get paid $5,000 per shot."
"I don't care! Just do it! I want you to shoot her right in the head, and
shoot him in the balls."
The hitman agreed, turned, and took firing position. He carefully stared into
the sights, taking careful aim. He then said, "You know what buddy, this
is your lucky day. I think I can save you $5,000!"
Good
fortune. Please spread the meme. Comment. Comment. Comment.
Don't
smoke in bed…