P.O.E.T.S.PISS ON EVER'THIN' -
T'DAY'S SATURDAY, December 16, 2006!
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(The STAND-UP begins after the QUOTES!)
UNSUBSCRIBED:
Ahmet Ertegün (83) Co-Founder, Atlantic Records, was injured after a fall at a Rolling Stones performance on October 29, 2006. He slipped and hit his head backstage while the band was playing at former U.S. President Bill Clinton's 60th birthday party in New York Sunday 29 October 2006. He died December 14 and will be buried in his native Turkey. Read MORE about this Music Industry ICON!
(CHEESES! How many more deaths will be linked to Clinton and/or The Stones?!)
Actor Peter Boyle (77) - His first starring role was as the title character in the 1970 movie Joe, in which Boyle played a bigoted New York City factory worker to wide acclaim.The film's release was surrounded by controversy over its violence and language. It was during this time that Boyle became close friends with the actress Jane Fonda, and with her he participated in many protests against the Vietnam War. His next major role was as the campaign manager for a U.S. Senate candidate (Robert Redford) in The Candidate (1972). Boyle had another hit role as Frankenstein's monster in the 1974 Mel Brooks comedy Young Frankenstein, in which, in an homage to King Kong, the monster is placed onstage in top hat and tails, grunt-singing and dancing to the song "Puttin' on the Ritz". Boyle was perhaps most widely known for his role as the deadpan, cranky Frank Barone in the popular CBS television sitcom Everybody Loves Raymond, which aired from 1996 to 2005.
(LaughFish) Actor Jerry Stiller said, "It's not me! I know a lot of you guys get these TV shows and TV dads confused. I didn't die. It was Raymond's dad. Not me. I feel fine. Are you listening? I said, I FEEL FINE!!")
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BIRTHDAY GREETINGS:
Musician-Comedian Spike Jones would be 95; Venerable Actor Ossie Davis would be 88; Sci-Fi Author Arthur C. Clarke is 89; Author-Pundit-Language Maven William Safire is 76; Country singer-songwriter Ernest ("Talk Back Tremblin' Lips") Ashworth is 78 (Da Rev emcee'd a live outdoor show with Ernie in the '70s);
Lovely Oscar-Winning Actress Lee Remick would be 71;
MSNBC Host-Pundit-Author Chris Mathews (shown with hostage) is 60;
Singer Christina Aguilera is 25.
GET WELL SOON:
Senator Tim Johnson, (D-SD). Here's Da Rule: If a senator dies or leaves the senate he shall be replaced, but if he's too sick to come to work he retains the seat.
BartCop
QUOTE/UNQUOTE
" 'Mission accomplished' jokes aside, the original goals in Iraq - deposing Saddam Hussein and holding elections - have been achieved. Nation-building was never on the agenda, and it should not be added now.
All the allied troops in the world aren't going to stop the Iraqi people from continuing their civil war if this is their choice. As long as Muslim leaders in Iraq and elsewhere are unwilling to confront their own radical elements, outsiders will be spectators in the line of fire."
[Gary Kasparov, former world chess champion; chairman of the United Civil Front in Russia - in the WSJ Opinion Journal ]
"Other than telling us how to live, think, marry, pray, vote, invest, educate our children and, now, die, I think the Republicans have done a fine job of getting government out of our personal lives. [Sunday Portland Oregonian]
"...universities are about reason, pure and simple. Faith - believing something without good reasons to do so-has no place in anything but a religious institution, and our society has no shortage of these.
Imagine if we had a requirement for "Astronomy and Astrology" or "Psychology and
Parapsychology." It may be true that more people are knowledgeable about
astrology than about astronomy, and it may be true that astrology deserves study as a significant historical and sociological phenomenon. But it would be a terrible mistake to juxtapose it with astronomy, if only for the false appearance of symmetry."
[Stephen Pinker, Johnstone professor of psychology,
in the Harvard Crimson]
WELL HOWDY, REV'LERS!
Welcome to our humble - albeit audaciously pimped-out with holiday bling - cottage in Metro Fairborn, Ohio. If the world ever really comes to an end, the place you want to be is Fairborn. It takes ten years for everything to get here!
Which reminds me - The good news is that all food at the Taco Bell in Fairborn has tested negative for E. coli. The bad news is that 45% of the meat used in 7 of Fairborn's Korean restaurants is still testing positive for dog. Never order Sub Gum Bow Wow. Never...
I think I am an overnight sensation right now!!
I see here in the Fairborn Herald that a new study by the Mayo clinic in
Rochester, MN shows that the shampoo known as "Herbal Essence" is a major cause of premature ejaculation in gay men.
HOLY CRAP, look at this headline! HELLO KITTY gang terrorizes Xenia! FamilySTICKERED to death! I think I knew some of these folks. They were lifelong Republicans.
It says here an inventor has developed a mountain bike with a large spinning gyroscope. It's easier to ride and almost impossible to fall off. In other news: President Bush was almost strangled today when his tie got snagged in a spinning gyroscope.
The president keeps fallin' off his bike. He even dumped his Segway once. He still insists that gravity is only a theory.
This is a newborn Pygmy Marmoset, a type of monkey, that will grow to 5-inches and weigh in at 1/2-lb.
IT'S BEGINNIN' T' LOOK A LOT LIKE XMAS 'ROUND HERE...
The Fairborn Herald has a photo on Page 4 of President Bush wearing a look of grim resolve. It's all wrinkled - but he wears it anyway.
A retired Air Force guy who lives here in Fairborn accidentally used the Koran as a coaster yesterday, sparking riots that led to the deaths of over 400 people in Pakistan, Afghanistan, and Indonesia. The man, who requested anonymity lest he become the "face of a thousand fatwas," was drinking a Coca-Cola at The Readmore News and Bookstore downtown and "placed the beverage on the holiest of Muslim texts." An outraged Readmore patron recorded the "entire ghastly event on his video cell phone" and sent the recording to a Dayton mosque. Within hours, news reached the Middle East and the corpses began piling up."Dude.my bad," said the vet...
CITIZEN'S ARREST! Hello, POLICE?! I"ve got the Broadband Roadrunner here on suspicion of HIGHWAY ROBBERY!! I demand IMPUNITY!
This 40 oz. Miller Genuine Draft symbolizes my COMPLETE EMOTIONAL RECOVERY!!
If this is the DATING GAME I want to know your FAVORITE PLANET!
Da Pagan Baby & I performed an experiment during a recent trip to L.A. We placed two copies of PEOPLE magazine in a DARK, HUMID mobile home. 45 minutes later COURTNEY LOVE emerged wearing a BIRD's NEST on her head!
From the time we got UHF-TV, I believe I could feel my brain GROWING! I am having a CONCEPTION - You call me a PINHEAD? You see my POINT?!
INSIDE, I have the same personality disorder as that woman on Desperate
Housewives - the one who's NOT a HOUSEWIFE!!!
The Fedex driver's a drug dealer! He doesn't KNOW it. And he's ALWAYS on
TIME!
At the BIG BOY Restaurant Rick and Riley and I would sit at the counter. We always selected E5... to hear ``Sam the Sham and the Pharaohs''!
It was 1962, but it seems like yesterday!
For those of you who worship at the altar of the "Guitar Gods" this site
offers their subjective top ten rock riffs. I'm disappointed. Where's Mark
Knopfler, Clapton, Scotty Moore, Dave Edmunds, HENDRIX?!? But, still - it's
worth a click here for RIFFS!
Yup, I had a lease on an OEDIPUS COMPLEX back in '81 ...
NOW I must be OFF!
THIS JUST ___ IN!!
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Y' can't make this shit up, Folks. Leave THAT task to a fundangelical preacher writing for World NUT Daily:
"Soy is making kids 'gay'... Soybean products are feminizing, and they're all over the place. You can hardly escape them anymore." 
[James Rutz - chairman of Megashift Ministries and founder-chairman of Open Church Ministries.]
(Greene County Soybean Farmer Farley Chortle has asked us to please not let the Japanese or Chinese get wind of this disturbing assertion...)
Laugh Fish:
Oh, if only the world could be ruled by a guy wearing a big poufy white dress, clutching all the weaker, less fortunate countries to his breast ...
Satirical/Political
Concerned that the GOP might resort to desperate measures to "recapture" the Senate, Democrats today posted more than a dozen armed Brinks Guards at the hospital bedside of recuperating Senator Tim Johnson...
Doctor Senator Bill Frist ...made a diagnosis of Johnson from the Senate Floor, declaring him clinically dead.
Obama's Draw
Senator Barack Obama drew huge crowds in New Hampshire as he toured the state this weekend... not because they want to meet a possible future president, but because most of the people in New Hampshire have never seen a black person.
NEW WORD: CUSTERFUCK!
Custerfuck: very badly organized!
Let me use it in a couple of sentences so people can get a better sense of its meaning.
1. The republicans have created a custerfuck in Iraq.
2. George Bush is a walking custerfuck!
3. John McCain's plan for Iraq will create a bigger custerfuck than the
existing custerfuck.
4. Therefore John McCain is a bigger custerfuck than George Bush!
HOT! PENGUIN!
MAY BE RESPONSIBLE FOR GLOBAL WARMING!
The "WAR ON CHRISTMAS" is SO on!
"I hate the holidays - all of this saccharine bullshit wasn't what I had in mind when I put Junior up on the cross..." [Greg Gutfeld]
Meet the funniest topical humorist in America, the man Robin Williams once
called "the Will Rogers of the Baby Boom." - COMEDIAN ARGUS HAMILTON:
The Good Shepherd with Matt Damon got terrific reviews Friday. It's based on the true stories of American spies in the early days of the Central Intelligence Agency. With a little bit of luck and some Hollywood magic, they finally kill Castro.
David Duke accused CNN's Wolf Blitzer of being an agent for Israel in an interview Wednesday. He's a tormented man. When Siegfried and Roy were attacked onstage a couple of years ago, David Duke didn't know whether to root for the white tiger or the Germans. 
The New York Post tried to embarrass Sen. Barack Obama with an article about his flaws. It said he's a heavy smoker and his middle name is Hussein. If Barack Obama isn't elected president he could become the season-long villain on Twenty-Four.
Incoming House Intelligence Committee chairman Silvestre Reyes failed a newspaper's test for him about terrorism. He said al-Qaeda are Shiites when they are Sunnis and he couldn't identify Hezbollah. He could lose his post as Intelligence chairman, but the Los Angeles School Board said he will still be allowed to graduate.
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Ohio State's Troy Smith wasn't allowed by airport security to board the plane home with his Heisman Trophy. It's only common sense. Everybody knows there is a very good chance that if you have a Heisman Trophy you also have a knife.
NBA Commissioner David Stern agreed this week to return to the leather basketball. He had forced the league to switch to a synthetic ball. By the first of the year, Barry Bonds will be the only professional athlete still using synthetic balls.
Ralph Nader entered his documentary An Unreasonable Man for an Academy Award. He's up against Al Gore's An Inconvenient Truth. What is it about Al Gore that makes Ralph Nader want to follow him around and keep him from winning anything?
Princess Diana was wiretapped by the National Security Agency nine years ago. The NSA can explain. It was a lot more fun listening to Princess Diana having phone sex than listening to Osama bin Laden having phone sex.
The White House hosted a Christmas party last Saturday highlighted by hundreds of Yuletide decorations and symbols. Around the White House you see very little of the Virgin Mary. The vice president's daughter is keeping a very low profile lately.
AFGHAN WOMAN
The India News Agency reported on the one hundred and twentieth birthday of a woman in Calcutta. She says the secret to longevity is to drink wine and smoke pot every day. Willie Nelson's doctor just diagnosed his condition as immortal.
(Dallas Cowboys star Terrell Owens celebrated his thirty-third birthday last week He got tired of answering the same question over and over. Everybody wanted to know the secret to living so long.)
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A man walks into a bar and orders a triple scotch. As the bartender pours
the drink, he remarks, "That's quite a heavy drink. What's the problem?"
After quickly downing his drink, the man replies, "I found my wife in bed with my best friend."
'Wow," says the barkeep. "What did you do about it?"
"I walked over to my wife, looked her in the eye, told her to pack her stuff, and get the hell out."
"That makes sense," remarks the barkeep. "And, what about your best friend?"
"I looked him right in the eye and yelled, "Bad dog!!!!"
PEACH PRINCESS
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Karl Rove, Pauly Shore, and a homeless man are at a table in a new bar with no name. The barkeep says, "If you can give my bar a good name, I'll give you three beers right now and three tomorrow."
Rove said, "Call it 'The Elite!' "
Pauly Shore said, "The Bar With No Name!?". . .
Both suggestions were rejected and the homeless man asked, "Whats your wifes
name?"
The bartender says "Suzie."
The Street Person replied, "Call it 'Suzies Legs', as a tribute to your
wife!"
The bartender gives him three beers and reminds him to return tomorrow. The bum sleeps on the bar's front doorstep, and a cop comes up to him and says
"Sir, what the hell are you doing here?"
OOH... NURSE ASHLEY -
CHECK ME! CHECK ME!
A young husband and wife were sunning on a nude beach when a wasp buzzed into the woman's vagina. The husband covered her with a coat, pulled on his shorts, carried her to the car and made a dash to the hospital. After examining her, the doctor explained that the wasp was too far in to be reached with forceps. He suggested the husband try to entice it out by putting honey on his penis, penetrating her and withdrawing as soon as he felt the wasp. The man agreed to try, but because he was so nervous, he couldn't rise to the occasion. "If neither of you objects," the medic said, "I could give it a try." Under the circumstances, both agreed. The doctor quickly undressed, slathered on some honey and mounted the woman. The husband watched with increasing alarm as the doctor's thrust continued for several long minutes. "Hey, What the hell is happening?"
"Change of plans," The physician panted. "I'm going to drown the little bastard!."
A guy is driving his girlfriend home when she decides she wants to go to her friend's instead. Her friend lives out of the way so she tells her boyfriend that she'll get naked for him if he drives her. The guy says OK and the girl takes off all her clothes. The boyfriend is so busy looking at her that he crashes the car and gets stuck between the steering wheel and the seat. He tells her to go get help and she replies that she can’t because she doesn’t have any clothes on.
He replies, “Take my shoe and cover your snatch with it, and go for help!”
She takes the shoe and runs to the closest gas station. She finds the clerk and says, "Help, my boyfriend is stuck! Can you help us?"
The clerk replies, "I’m sorry, I think he's too far in..." 
Good fortune. COMMENT!! COMMENT!! Please spread the meme. Don't smoke in bed...
