MINISTER OF RANTS

MALCOLM X WAS PLANNING TO SWITCH TO A CAREER IN COUNTRY MUSIC WHEN HE WAS ASSASSINATED!

Just in time for Black History Month - THIS amazing story that might have been...

P.O.E.T.S. - 012707 || MOLLY IVINS HOSPITALIZED!... MIKE HUNT... HILLARY VS. ESSIE SCHUMER... CHINA TO "PURIFY INTERNET... McCAIN TOO OLD?... MEDIA WHORE ALERT!... SCIENTOLOGISTS REVERE ST. TOM... SIR CHARLES BARKLEY SPEAKS... SERENA GOT BACK!... JEEEBUS?

PISS ON EVER'THIN - T'DAY'S SATURDAY, January 27, 2007!




AUSTIN, Texas - Populist-Progressive Texas columnist Molly Ivins (62) has been hospitalized in her ongoing battle with breast cancer (3rd occurrence). Ivins may be able to go home Monday, her assistant said. "We're not sure what's going to happen, but she's very sick."

Eleanor McGovern (85) wife of former Sen. George McGovern (D-SD), the 1972 Democrat Presidential nominee. Eleanor McGovern campaigned for her husband across the country and appeared frequently on TV and radio programs discussing national and international issues. She had suffered heart problems for five years and underwent bypass surgery in 2006. She died in Mitchell, South Dakota on January 25, 2007.

Liz Renay (80) - a stripper and cult movie actress whose real life included roles as a gangster's moll, convict, author, artist and Hollywood Boulevard streaker, died Monday from cardiopulmonary arrest and gastric bleeding, the Clark County, Nev., coroner's office said. Renay first gained attention as a fashion model and Marilyn Monroe look-alike in the 1950s. She developed a cult following for her role as Muffy St. Jacques in director John Waters' 1977 movie "Desperate Living." She appeared in at least two dozen other movies ranging from "Date With Death" in 1959 and "The Thrill Killers" in 1964, to adult films like "Interlude of Lust" in 1981 and the feature flick "Mark of the Astro-Zombies" in 2002. As a stripper, she toured and performed with her daughter, Brenda, who died in 1982, on her 39th birthday.

She painted canvasses during a 27-month stint in federal prison in the early 1960s for perjuring herself during the federal tax evasion trial of her then-boyfriend, Hollywood mobster Mickey Cohen. Renay streaked down Hollywood Boulevard in 1974 but was acquitted at trial of indecent exposure and lewdness. Born Pearl Elizabeth Dobbins on April 14, 1926, in Chandler, Ariz., she was married seven times, divorced five times and widowed twice.

WATERGATE MASTERMIND CROAKS
Miami, FL (LaughFish.com) - E. Howard Hunt, the former CIA spy who led the Watergate break-in has died at the age of 88. His brother Mike said, “E. Howard had a tough childhood. He resented our parents for naming him E. Howard Hunt. I would tell him, at least you weren’t named Mike Hunt.”

Wonkette
Watergate criminal and lifelong sleazebag E. Howard Hunt is finally dead, the AP reports. He was 88.
Hunt masterminded the nightmare idiocy of the Bay of Pigs invasion and the brutal 1954 coup in Guatemala that replaced democratically-elected Jacobo Arbenz Guzmán with murderous thug Carlos Castillo Armas. Hunt wasn’t one of the Watergate burglars; it was a point of pride in the son of a bitch’s life that he was actually the “Watergate conspirator.”

A rich life, indeed. Of course, his other infamous conspiracy was the murder of American president John F. Kennedy. Hunt was supposedly one of the “three tramps” caught by the cops on the Grassy Knoll. His wife Dorothy was killed in a suspicious 1972 jetliner crash in Chicago. Mrs. Hunt was carrying nearly $11,000 in Watergate hush money. Illinois Congressman George W. Collins and CBS News correspondent Michele Clark were also killed in the bizarre crash.
Whatever; Hell’s a little more crowded...

 

HAPPY BIRTHDAY!

Influential Folk Blues Singer-Songwriter-12-string Guitar Player Huddie Ledbetter, AKA “Leadbelly” would be 121.

Venerable, versatile Oscar-Winning Actor Ernie Borgnine is 90.

Venerable TV and Print Journalist EDWIN NEWMAN is 88.

“Ol’ Blue Eyes” - Oscar-winning actor Paul Newman is 82.

Everyman Acting great Gene Hackman is 76.

Smoldering, sensual, soul-shakin’ Blues-Jazz Singer Etta James AKA “Peaches” is 69, and still carryin’ on!

I was first afflicted with ETTA-philia when I was 14. As I would lie with my red cast steel Hopalong Cassidy AM radio under the covers, listening to John Arr on WLAC in Nashville, I would COVET Etta James...

One of Da Rev’s faves, roots-grounded, richly textured, gritty Singer-Songwriter-Poetess Lucinda Williams is 54.

"Perfection of means and confusion of goals seem - in my opinion - to characterize our age." [Albert Einstein]

“… What we have here is a decent man (George W. Bush) who takes the dignity and responsibility of the presidency seriously.” [Gina Cobb, Wing-Nut Blogger]

"Half of the harm that is done in this world is due to people who want to feel important. They don't mean to do harm but the harm does not interest them." [T.S. Eliot]

"History teaches that grave threats to liberty often come in times of urgency, when constitutional rights seem too extravagant to endure." [Justice Thurgood Marshall]

"When you understand why you dismiss all the other possible gods, you will understand why I dismiss yours." - [Stephen Roberts]

WELL HOWDY, REV'LERS!

Welcome to the STAND-UP at our home here in Metro Fairborn, Ohio. Look around, Folks! This is what a lifetime of clueless fiscal malfeasance will get you.

Allow me to introduce my selves. Somebody’s going to insult your intelligence today. It might as well be me.

Proceeds from today’s STAND-UP are going to the “Monty Python Organization for People Afflicted With Silly Walks“!

First - as you should know - I don’t care about sports, except as an indicator of popular culture - or, as in the case of Beach Volleyball - when participants are women in skimpy outfits. But how about them COLTS?! I watched at least half of it… (I DVR’d it and played it back on fast-forward.) Final Score: Indianapolis Colts 38, New England Patriots 34. Shouldn’t we be seriously questioning their PATRIOTism? Hehe…

What a game! Shame it wasn't the Super Bowl. Speaking of which, would anyone be surprised if the spread for the Super Bowl hits double digits? I'm guessing it'll be the Colts giving 7 1/2. All I know is I'm taking the team with the black head coach!
The Bears MAULED The N’awlins Saints (The Saints forgave them). Somehow this must be Bush’s fault…

 
Speaking of women in skimpy outfits playing sports: Serena Routs Sharapova to Win Australian - A toast to Serena Williams entered the Open unseeded, ranked #81, after a year of physical difficulties!

Rick reports that a recent rectal exam revealed he has a normal size thyroid.

Diane has been undergoing all sorts of procedures due to her inability to get pregnant. Chuck - between you and me, I think we ought to be able to get this lady pregnant.

My friends who smoke keep retorting, "Nobody banned alcohol. Why do they pick on smokers?"
Well, we all know that alcohol doesn't impair the health of other folks in the room, right?
But wait, here's the even BETTER answer, nicotine-slaves: More *certified* ALCOHOLICS die of LUNG CANCER annually than all alcohol-related maladies. (No - that is NOT funny...)
Oh, shit. Are you really gonna light that thing? You have a right to smoke and I have a right to bear arms. Take it outside!

 
I don’t expect anything in the way of an afterlife - but if there WERE an afterlife, which DVDs would you take with you?

If it's never crossed your mind that you drink too much, then you probably should drink a little bit more. WORD!

Today’s brunch features scrambled eggs and calves’ brains. And Ol’ Red Ruffensore, the football coach has brought us some blood sausage. Red’s own recipe includes pigs blood (natch) barley, and spices. When it’s cooked it’s a nearly-black sausage. It’s a favorite, but for some reason it's very hard to find. Red Knows. Red knows?

In addition, we’re happy to have some dandy vegetarian fare, a delightful pudding made with bran, & turnip leaves chopped together with herbs.

We bought a new refrigerator. Now when Da Pagan Baby stands with a glass stuck against the door ice cubes or water come out. It’s a side-by-side and weighs 350 lbs. 475 when we got all our magnets arranged on the doors. Now it’s the Metropolitan Refrigerator of Art!

So, I put the old fridge in the front yard and hung a sign on it saying: "Free to good home. You want it, you take it."
For three days the fridge sat there without even one person looking twice at it. I decided that people didn’t trust this deal. It looked to good to be true. So I changed the sign to read: "Fridge for sale $50." The next day someone stole it.

My wife says I should quit wasting so much time blogging and surfing the web and go out and get a job - but the voices in my head say I should stay home and clean my guns.
I believe the original point and click interface was a Smith & Wesson.

Tibetan Mastiff - with protective cover...

How cold IS it? Xenia Chrysler-Dodge-Jeep dealer Terry Tobey went on TV and PROMISED buyers that SUVs contribute to global warming.

(Giant Jeeebus * I-75/Monroe, Ohio)

Our furnace went out some time during the coldest night so far. I called our plumbing and heating contractor. I spoke with his wife, who said he had a lot of calls. I told her my wife was standing next to me in the kitchen shivering in 3 layers of clothing firin’ up the coffee maker. I said we really need someone to stop by as soon as possible to fix the furnace.”
"Now don't you worry, honey," she told me. "You tell ‘er to just jump back in bed and cover up. I'll send my husband over right away."

If you can read this, you're not the president.

I grew up in the midwest in Dayton in a neighborhood of bungalows. So few people lived in apartments, so the ones who did seemed peculiar to me. I guess that’s why the TV show "I Love Lucy" seemed to cause me so much discomfort. Where was their backyard? Why was there a hallway outside their front door? The show was in black and white - which made them seem, you know, poor.

Last week, while looking at a house across the street from us in our over-55 community a couple asked the real estate agent which direction was north because, the husband explained, he didn't want the sun waking him up every morning. The realtor, who may have been a blond at one time, asked, "Oh, does the sun rise in the north?"
When the prospect explained that the sun rises in the east, and has for sometime, she shook her head and said, "Oh, I don't keep up with that stuff."

"YOUR HUSBAND'S PROBLEMS ARE BEHAVIOR-RELATED - I RECOMMEND NEUTERING...)

I used to work in customer service for a 24/7 call center. One day I got a call from a guy who asked what hours the call center was open. I told him, "The number you dialed is open 24 hours a day, 7 days a week."
He responded, "Is that Eastern or Pacific time?"
“What’s your time zone.
"Uh, Pacific"
“You’re in luck, we’re available 24/7, Pacific Time.”

Whenever people talk about "alternative medicine," I get really pissed off, because all these guys - chiropractors, acupuncturists, therapeutic touch specialists (who don’t touch you) Deepak Chopra, and on and on, are nothing but con artists peddling garbage to sick people who really need professional help. But ya gotta admire their ability to separate the idiots from their money.

Priests who molest altar boys have the best communion wine - or so I‘ve been told.

Charles Manson lied. He said it was a family.

(COMING SOON TO A CREATIONIST THEME PARK TABLEAU IN ALABAMA...)

Last night Da Pagan Baby was in the mood for a “Bloomin’ Onion”, a breaded, deep-fried onion concoction at Outback big enough to feed the Gilligan’s Island crew for 3 years. I told the waitress at Outback that I wanted the ¾-pound filet. She returned after 5 minutes of so and inquired, “Would you be willing to take the 12-ounce filet? We no longer carry the ¾-pounder.”

“24” is back with new episodes. Regular fans are hooked on lead actor Kiefer Sutherland’s character Jack Bauer. In particular, they love what they call “Bauer-speak”. Here’s some Bauer-speak we’d like to hear this season:

"You're gonna tell me what I wanna know. Or don't - fine, be a bitch about it!"

"Dammit, there's no time. The View is on in 5 minutes!"

"I need you to trust me -- indirect lighting will work wonders for this space."

"The only reason you're conscious right now is because I simply adore those shoes."

"Chloe, I need you to cross-reference the security protocols and hack into the... omigod, what did you do to your hair? You look gorgeous!"

COMPUTER CHALLENGE

Now here is a challenge!
For all of you who keep thinking you are computer experts... try this! Oh - you think you're so smart.
Let's see how computer literate you are . . .

WHAT IS:

qqqqqqqqqqqqqqqqq qqqqqqqqqdjggsdqklgds
fffffffffffffffffffff fffffffffkgmgqkfjd
mqielgqffffffffffffff fffffffffffffsqfmq
dsldmfqsfqssf dbvnlkl fvnozeeeeeeeee eeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee ?

(SEE THE ANSWER BELOW)
                                 

Remember, you’ve been drinkin’ - so if you’re drivin’ make sure you’ve got a car!
I would never drive when I was drunk… Well, I’d have to be REALLY, REALLY drunk to do that…

OH! Is this my STOP?? I MUST be OFF!

FAUX News Exclusive: Obama Calls for Universal Health Care 

Washington (LaughFish.com) - A FAUX News Channel story by John Glibson reports that Sen. Barack Obama (D-IL) is urging Congress to pass a bill that would make universal health care available to all Muslims.

Bongo News
Bush Announces U.S. Will Switch Sides in Iraq: ‘America Loves a Winner!’

Click to see transcript:
First Lady Comforts Secretary Condoleezza Rice Following Vicious Anti-Woman Attack by Senator Barbara Boxer

Letterman: Bush has the lowest presidential approval rating since Nixon. Here's another coincidence. Nixon had a dog named 'Checkers.' Bush plays checkers with his dog.

Not to Be Out Done by Bill Clinton's Wife, Chuck Schumer’s Wife Enters Race

Washington (LaughFish.com) - Essie Schumer, wife of New York Senator Charles Schumer, has thrown her hat into the 2007 presidential race.

Humorist Jake Novak
Kerry Out
Senator John Kerry announced Wednesday that he will not join the campaign for president in 2008. That's good, because he didn't really campaign for president in 2004 either.

Internet Threat
Chinese Communist Party chief Hu Jintao has vowed to "purify" the Web. How surprised he'll be when he finds he can't run over the Internet with a tank.

Comedian Argus Hamilton
Venezuelan president Hugo Chavez taunted Condi Rice with sexually suggestive language Monday night in his televised state of the nation speech. The aircraft carrier group is on the way. It's a hanging offense to whistle at the sheriff's gal.

Alexandra Pelosi’s Friends of God is a documentary about evangelical Christianity which hits theaters this week. Evangelicals are stranded politically. Religious conservatives have no candidate to unite them in the next presidential election, if you don't count Hillary Clinton.

The Gallup Poll released Monday divided Hillary Clinton's support into three groups. Her core supporters are liberals who want progressive social policies, centrists who want an internationalist foreign policy, and comedians with mortgages.

Dick Cheney grinned widely during the State of the Union address when President Bush insisted on increased domestic oil drilling. The president and the vice president then took a drink of water at exactly the same time. They never like anyone to know which one's the ventriloquist.

California's Assembly prepared Monday to move the state's primary up to February. An early California primary has unique advantages. It gives each candidate the chance to spend all their money to finish third behind Gary Coleman and a porn star.

President Bush discussed energy efficiency in his State of the Union address. His record is good. Before he invaded Iraq they were using electricity twenty-four hours a day, and under his leadership they reduced it to six hours a day.

<SENATOR JOHN McLAME ZONES OUT DURING SOTU - (The senator would be 70 if he were to take office as the next POTUS)

Jesse Jackson said it's all but certain he will endorse Barack Obama for president. Let the bidding begin. Barack Obama has already offered Jesse ten million dollars and a cabinet post if he’ll endorse Hillary instead.

LOOK IN THE DICTIONARY UNDER “MEDIA WHORE”!

And you’ll find a picture of CNBC's Maria Bartiromo - who reportedly has the support of her network in response to questions, and raised eyebrows, about her professional relationship with a former Citigroup boss. The star financial anchor has reported extensively on Citigroup, and on Todd Thomson, formerly chief of Citigroup's wealth management unit. But last week, when Thomson was ousted, it was in part over issues of judgment, including his dealings with Bartiromo. Among other complaints, Thomson was faulted by Citigroup Chairman Charles Prince for the decision to spend $5 million to sponsor Sundance Channel programming that Bartiromo was expected to co-host. According to the Journal, Bartiromo no longer will host the project.
Since 2004, Bartiromo has aired 11 major pieces on Citigroup, including four interviews with Thomson, according to the Journal's review of CNBC transcripts.


CONVERSATIONS WITH SIR CHARLES BARKLEY:

EJ: "Did they recognize you in South Dakota?"

Charles: "Yes, they did. It was easy because I was the only black person there. When they see me walking down the street they say 'There he goes again'. And when I come back the next year they say 'He's back y’awl!'"

More from Jake...
NBC Treasurer Arrested
The former treasurer of NBC has been charged with bilking the network out of $800,000, taking unauthorized trips on the corporate jet, and taking all the jokes away from Saturday Night Live.

More from Argus...

The Super Bowl will command two-and-a-half million dollars per thirty-second commercial, it was reported Monday. No political ads are permitted. The Super Bowl does not allow issue ads, unless of course the issue is whether cleavage sells beer.

Helen Mirren won a Golden Globe for playing England's sixteenth-century icon Queen Elizabeth I. She was a great war queen. Over four hundred years ago she defeated the Spanish to win what turned out to be temporary control of North America.

The London Sun reported Monday that Scientologists have begun regarding Tom Cruise as their savior. They say he was chosen to spread the word. Two thousand years from now, Scientologists will be wearing a miniature model of Oprah's couch around their necks.

Irish Actor Peter O'Toole gave an interview to USA Today last week in which he reminisced about his first movie role as Lawrence of Arabia. The movie ends with the creation of Lebanon and Syria and Saudi Arabia and Iraq. Dr. Strangelove had a happier ending.

>PALESTINIANS GOT A TOILET?!

http://www.bongonews.com/

“So, I just put my lips together and blow? God, this is an exact replica of my vagina!"

Three Little Pigs went out to dinner one night. The waiter came, and took their drink order. "I would like a Sprite," said the first little piggy.

"I would like a Coke," said the second little piggy.

"I want beer...lots and lots of beer," said the third little piggy.

The drinks were brought out, and the waiter took their orders for dinner.

"I want a nice big steak," said the first piggy.

"I would like the salad plate," said the second piggy.

"I want beer, lots and lots of beer," said the third little piggy.

The meals were brought out, and a while later, the waiter approached the table,

and asked if the piggies would like any dessert.

"I want a banana split," said the first piggy.

"I want a root beer float," said the second piggy.

"I want beer, lots and lots of beer," exclaimed the third little piggy.

"Pardon me for asking," said the waiter to the third little piggy; but why have you only ordered beer all evening?"

(do da scroll...)

You're gonna LOVE this....

The third piggy says...

"Well, SOMEBODY has to go 'Wee, wee, wee, wee, wee all the way home!"

At the end of the tax year, the IRS sent an auditor to audit the books of a synagogue. While he was checking the books he turned to the Rabbi and said: "I notice you buy a lot of candles. What do you do with the candle drippings?”
"Good question," noted the Rabbi. "We save them up and send them to the candle makers, and every now and then they send us a free box of candles."
"Oh," replied the auditor, somewhat disappointed that his unusual question had a practical answer. But on he went, in his obnoxious way: "What about all these biscuit purchases? What do you do with the crumbs?”
"Ah, yes," replied the Rabbi, realizing that the auditor was trying to trap him with an unanswerable question. "We collect them and send them back to the manufacturers, and every now and then they send a free box of holy biscuits."
"I see," replied the auditor, thinking hard about how he could fluster the know-it-all Rabbi. "Well, Rabbi," he went on, "What do you do with all the leftover foreskins from the circumcisions you perform?”
"Here, too, we do not waste", answered the Rabbi. "We save up all the foreskins and send them to the IRS, and about once a year they send us a complete prick."

>SERENA GOT BACK!!

A Scotsman was invited for a visit to the home of his Canadian friend.
Soon after the Scotsman arrived, he glanced out the window to see a huge beast just outside. He pointed, and asked his Canadian friend, "Och, lad, what's that?"
The Canadian replied, "Oh, that's a moose."

The Scotsman stared in disbelief, and replied, "That's a fuckin’ MOOSE?! Well, how big are yer fuckin’ CATS around here?”

A man walks out of a bar, stumbling back and forth with a key in his hand. A cop on the beat sees him and approaches.
"Can I help you, sir?"
"Yessh! SShomebody sshtole my car!" the man replies.
The cop asks, "Where was your car the last time you saw it?"
"It wasssh at the end of thissssh key!" the man replies, logically, if a bit too literally.
About this time the cop looks down to see that the man's cock is being exhibited for the entire world to see. He asks the man, "Sir, are you aware that you are exposing yourself?"
The man looks down woefully and - without missing a beat - moans "Ohhh NOOO...They got my girlfriend too!"

ACTRESS-DIRECTOR-PRODUCER BARBARA STANWYCK

PUSSY OR BEER?

A beer is always wet.
A pussy needs encouragement.
Advantage: Beer

A beer tastes horrible served hot.
A pussy tastes better served hot.
Advantage: Pussy

Having an ice cold beer makes you satisfied. Having an ice
cold pussy makes you Hillary Clinton.
Advantage: Beer

If you get a hair in your teeth consuming pussy, you are not disgusted.
Advantage: Pussy

24 beers come in a box.
A pussy is a box you can come in.
Advantage: Pussy

Too much head makes you mad at the person giving you a beer.
Advantage: Pussy

If a beer is brewed with yeast, it is still edible.
Advantage: Beer

If you come home smelling like beer, your wife may get mad.
If you come home smelling like pussy, she will definitely get mad.
Advantage: Beer

Good fortune. COMMENT!! Please spread the meme. Don’t smoke in bed…

HONEY, I DON'T SEE ANY PHARMACISTS WEARIN' "CHOICE" BUTTONS!

PLAN B BIRTH CONTROL HASSLE

By Mary McCarty in

The Dayton Daily News
Tuesday, January 23, 2007

... Tashina Byrd has a simple answer for people who wonder why she's telling the world about her recent contraceptive emergency.

(For those who need to know, the condom broke.)

"It isn't just my business," she says. "This is a lot bigger than me."

The 23-year-old Springfield woman and her boyfriend, Brian O'Neill of Columbus, thought they were simply walking up to the pharmacy window at the Bechtle Avenue Wal-Mart in Springfield to purchase the over-the-counter emergency contraceptive, Plan B.

They had no idea they were about to walk into a national news story — one that does, indeed, raise a much larger question: Should a woman's ability to obtain birth control be subject to the moral beliefs of the pharmacist behind the counter?

... Plan B isn't the abortion-pill RU 486, which must be dispensed from a doctor's office. It doesn't end a pregnancy; it prevents a pregnancy from taking place. "It's the same ingredient as a birth-control pill, only a nuclear dose," O'Neill notes.

The couple watched as the young pharmacy assistant brought the drug to the pharmacist on duty, Brent Beams. "I could see the pharmacist, and he smiled and he laughed and he shook his head," Byrd says.

The pharmacy assistant told her, "We have it on hand, but we can't give it to you."

The Ohio Pharmacists Association's current policy is that if a pharmacist has a conscientious objection, the customer should find another pharmacist or another pharmacy.

THIS DAY IN 1973 - The United States Supreme Court issued its momentous 7-2 decision, Roe v. Wade, overturning criminal restrictions against abortion.

JUSTICE HARRY BLACKMUN WROTE FOR THE MAJORITY:

“This right of privacy, whether it be founded in the Fourteenth Amendment's concept of personal liberty and restrictions upon state action, as we feel it is, or, as the District Court determined, in the Ninth Amendment's reservation of rights to the people, is broad enough to encompass a woman's decision whether or not to terminate her pregnancy. The detriment that the State would impose upon the pregnant woman by denying this choice altogether is apparent. Specific and direct harm medically diagnosable even in early pregnancy may be involved. Maternity, or additional offspring, may force upon the woman a distressful life and future. Psychological harm may be imminent. Mental and physical health may be taxed by child care. There is also the distress, for all concerned, associated with the unwanted child, and there is the problem of bringing a child into a family already unable, psychologically and otherwise, to care for it. In other cases, as in this one, the additional difficulties and continuing stigma of unwed motherhood may be involved. All these are factors the woman and her responsible physician necessarily will consider in consultation.”
[Justice Blackmun, for the majority, Roe v. Wade]

P.O.E.T.S. - 012007 || MR. ROGERS TAKES US TO LAND OF MAKE BELIEVE... OBAMARAMA... FIDEL'S LAST GASP... DR. RUTH'S SEX ADVICE... OUR MOGGIE... SMOKING BANS... ALI'S 65!... DOYLE HOLLY'S TRIPPED OVER A RAINBOW... INDY COLT ADAM VINATIERI... SKIN...

PISS ON EVER'THIN' -
T'DAY'S SATURDAY, January 20, 2007

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Old soldiers never die. Young ones do...




Journalist, Humorist ART BUCHWALD
His syndicated column at one point appeared in more than 500 newspapers worldwide. It appeared twice a week in publications including The Washington Post and was distributed by Tribune Media Services. In a 1995 memoir on his early years, "Leaving Home," Buchwald wrote that humor was his "salvation." In all, he wrote more than 30 books.
"People ask what I am really trying to do with humor," he wrote. "The answer is, 'I'm getting even.' ... For me, being funny is the best revenge."
In 1982, he won the Pulitzer, journalism's top honor, for outstanding commentary, and in 1986 he was elected to the American Academy of Arts and Letters.
(LaughFish.com)When reached for a comment President Bush said, “Paul and Artie provided the soundtrack to my college life.  Getting high while listening to The Boxer and Cecilia  made me the man I am today.  Artie will be missed.”


DOYLE HOLLY (70) singer-bass guitarist for Buck Owens’ band the Buckaroos during its hit-making heyday in the ’60s. Holly took over the bassist’s spot in the Buckaroos after Merle Haggard left to start a career of his own. Holly spent 1963–71 in the Buckaroos’ rhythm section, leaving to pursue a solo career ("Queen of the Silver Dollar"). He died of prostate cancer in Nashville, Tennessee on January 13, 2007.



ERNEST EDWARD KOVACS would be 88. "Ernie" was a creative and innovative entertainer from the early days of television. His on-air antics would go on to inspire TV shows like Laugh-In, the Uncle Floyd Show, Saturday Night Live and TV hosts like David Letterman.


SHARI LEWIS would be 74. Da Rev has a photo signed by Shari AND Lamb Chop! She was a gifted singer, dancer, writer, ventriloquist and musician. She wrote over 30 books, sold thousands of videos and won 12 Emmys, including five for her last PBS series, "Lamb Chop's Play-Along." But many say she was also something more: Shari Lewis cared about quality television, and she always cared about the kids. (Da Rev & Pagan Baby caught Shari's nightclub act @ Suttmiller's in Dayton in the '60s. She appeared in a see-through blouse performing with Lamb Chop in a revue that skewed definitely adult!)


The Soul soul singer with the amazing tenor voice and wide vibrato AARON NEVILLE (66) has had a career as a solo artist and also as one of the Neville Brothers. ("Signature song, "Tell It Like It Is")

"The Greatest" heavyweight champion, Sportsman of the Century, MUHAMMAD ALI celebrated his 65th birthday Wednesday night watching his old friend Billy Crystal perform at Arizona State University.

The former heavyweight champion joined the comedian on stage, receiving a minute-long standing ovation from the crowd and a cake from Crystal's wife.
The nearly 2,000 people who came to see Crystal's one-man show, "700 Sundays," chanted "Ali! Ali! Ali!"


Crystal and Ali held up fists in a mock stare-down as Crystal's wife, Janice, came out with a cake with one candle lit. Ali dipped his finger in the cake and, arm in arm, the boxer and the comedian blew out the candle and walked off stage.

The incredible singer-songwriter-actress DOLLY PARTON is ONLY 61. Yes, I love Dolly's Greatest Hits!


Smart-Ass liberal comedian, social critic and host BILL MAHER is 51. Yes, he's an atheist.


Versatile, nuanced, beautiful actress DIANE LANE is 41.


Atheism leaves a man to sense, to philosophy, to natural piety, to laws, to reputation; all of which may be guides to an outward moral virtue, even if religion vanished; but religious superstition dismounts all these and erects an absolute monarchy in the minds of men. [Francis Bacon]

When I told the people of Northern Ireland that I was an atheist, a woman in the audience stood up and said, "Yes, but is it the God of the Catholics or the God of the Protestants in whom you don't believe?" [Quentin Crisp]


Collective fear stimulates herd instinct, and tends to produce ferocity toward those who are not regarded as members of the herd. [Bertrand Russell]

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Welcome to our Museum of Collectable Clutter, Kitsch & Whimsey here in Metro Fairborn, Ohio. Our motto, which Da pagan Baby has cross-stitched into an adorably sampler is "Lifes a bitsch in a home without kitsch!"

I'm your host, Rev' Art, retired eccentric. In 2003 I retired and we moved to this bustling over-55 community in Fairborn. What a thrilling feeling of accomplishment - to graduate into a brand new world - magna cum loiter!

In my academic pursuits, I've attended the University of Dayton, Sinclair College, American Meat institute, W. Clement Stone Sales & Motivational Training Institute, and the Universal Life Church Mail-Order Ministries, where the late Bishop Kirby Hensley bestowed the Doctorate of Motivation on me in 1997. Currently, I'm seeking a Bachelor of Twenty-twenty Hindsight Degree from the School of Hard Knocks.


The buffet today features one o' those wacky Rachel Ray recipes - SANGRIA ON A STICK!

Gallery of The Absurd
Rachel as Chipmonk...

It's great to be an American - where every citizen belongs to a privileged class!
What's that, Charles? You disagree?
That's the PRIVILEGE!

You're new here, aren't you? Charles? What do you do? No shit, an entomologist? You might be interested to know that the fellow standing next to you may be an interesting specimen for you to study. Yeah, meet Ralph. He's a barfly!

Yeah, Ralph is regarded in taverns all over town as one of their unsteadiest customers. If it weren't for complementary popcorn and pretzels, he'd be on a complete liquid diet.


Proceeds from this week's STAND-UP will go to "Volunteerism…..The Other White Meat."

YUP! You should Volunteer! …What the fuck else are you going to do with a liberal arts degree? Volunteer, cause you'd like your resume to be at least ¾ of a page, right?


ELTON CAT

Don't wait too long to reserve a room in Fairborn. Some friends of ours from Cincinnati  decided to stay over after attending a concert at The Nuthouse Center. They discovered all the major motels were booked. A security guard gave them the name of a couple of "Mom & Pop" motels in Fairborn. One had a vacancy, but when they requested a nonsmoking room, a sweet, matronly voice apologized. "We don't have any nonsmoking rooms, but I'll remove the ashtrays for you."


I have an interstellar-chronograph watch - a timepiece used by U.S. astronauts. Recently I noticed that the winding stem was missing. I looked on the internet for an authorized dealer, found one right here in Fairborn, and rushed over to his shop. The jeweler explained, with undue nonchalance in my opinion, that he did not have a part that would fit my model. "You don't have the part?" I asked incredulously. ''Why, this watch went to the moon!" 
"That may be," the jeweler replied patiently, "but it ain't made it to Fairborn yet."


Hey Frank! Nice outfit! You look like the Lone Ranger after the repo man took Silver...


Our beautiful kitty Sylvia is 16. She doesn't DO cat years, thank you very much!
Sylvia is a mix. She's black with a white tuxedo front and boots. This coloring on a cat is referred to as "piebald". Sylvia has a short stocky body type, which is called "boggy".

So, Sylvia's our sweet li'l moggie,
Piebald and boggy.

She's very active, but she's added a couple of pounds, so we're monitoring her diet more closely. Her dish is filled with Kibbles, Bits, and Lipitor...


I played electrician this week. I bought a new wall switch. I noticed with little surprise that the switch was made in China and came with a small booklet of instructions in Chinese and in English. The final page showed photographs of the switch in the "on" and "off" positions, the first captioned "Light on" and the second, "Dark on."

Research shows the big tobacco companies have boosted the amount of nicotine in cigarettes. And that's what makes smoking so addictive these days... it's just such a good value!
We love being able to go to smoke-free restaurants and bars since we voted in the smoking ban in Ohio. I see some of your faces turning ugly and I hear your grumbling - but look at it this way, you were gonna have t' quit sooner of later. I don't believe in an afterlife, if you do - smoking can kill you - and if it does, the only place where smoking would then be allowed is where you wouldn't want to be, right.


Da Pagan Baby and I went to see a movie last weekend. As lights in the theater dimmed and the movie was about to begin, we noticed a young man coming down the aisle with two boxes of popcorn. We watched as he paced up and down, scanning the crowd in the near total darkness. After several seconds he stopped and asked in a loud voice, " Does anyone recognize me?"


Greg Gutfeld: When successful women are difficult, rude and self-important they are celebrated by other women as "divas". When successful men act this way, other men refer to them as "assholes".


Greg Gutfeld: When men look at team photos of girls college sports teams, they instinctively count the number of women they'd have sex with. The highest number will always occur in lacrosse.

WHOA!! Knott's Berry Farm has merged with the National Organization of Women. They're joining forces to become Knott NOW!

There is no conclusive evidence about what happens to old skeptics, but their future is doubtful.

Did you read about the collision of those two cruise ships? One had red paint, one had blue paint. As I said, they collided. At last report, the survivors were marooned.


My brother in Clearwater, Florida quit his job as a professional fisherman. He discovered that he and his wife couldn't live on his net income.

ASCII silly question, Get a silly ANSI... I asked Mom if I was a gifted child. She said they certainly would NOT have paid money for me.

A Freudian slip is when you say one thing but mean your mother...


A thumper showed up on my doorstep this week. He was carrying his Bible, as if he expected someone to request a fave passage or somethin'. He proclaimed, "Gaw-hawd created everyone - the big and the small!"
I replied, "I don't know about that, but Messrs. Smith & Wesson made them equal... Now get the fuck off my porch, idiot-fundangelical!"

Friends! Half of all people have an IQ under 100. Just think of it! In any meeting, look around the room for the idiot. If you don't see one, it's you. Unless it's a MENSA meeting.
Never underestimate stupid people... especially in large crowds!


VIDEO - I thought I had seen EVERY episode of Mister Rogers TV program - but...
Mister Rogers - Land of Make Believe CLICK IT!

Always remember there are only two kinds of people in this world- - the realists and the dreamers. The realists know where they're going. The dreamers have already been there.

I MUST be OFF!!

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Da Rev: DUBYA's channeling General Westmoreland. He says he sees light at the end of the tunnel. We Democrats say HE got us in the fuckin' TUNNEL t' begin with!


Da Rev: I know, we must "respect the Office of the Presidency", blah, blah, but George W. Bush should be suspended, mid-air, while forced to wear a ball-gag and shorn of all body hair as he`s smeared, head to toe, with his own feces. That should do it. Oh, c'mon! Hanging malevolent (stupid) dictators is SO barbaric.


Jim Treacher:
Here is a complete list of the other things likely to deepen hatred between Sunni and Shia in Iraq:
Anything.
Everything.

Letterman: Question for Fidel Castro: "Which fatigues would you like to be buried in, the olive green ones or the slightly darker olive green ones?"


Letterman:
SOME THINGS YOU MAY NOT HAVE KNOWN ABOUT BARACK OBAMA

As a child, he was taunted with "Obama's so fat" jokes...
Real last name: Obamawitz.
At Senate hearings, he throws on his iPod whenever John Kerry has the floor.
Makes immigration speeches as hilarious, uninformed foreigner "Borat Obama".
Senator Obama is only running for president to piss off Hillary!

2000 - ARIANNA SCORED AGAINST COMEDIAN AL FRANKEN

AL FRANKEN WEIGHS SENATE BID
Minneapolis, MN (LaughFish.com) - "Saturday Night Live" comedian and liberal radio host Al Franken said today that he is considering a bid for Senate in Minnesota against Republican Senator Norm Coleman.  When asked why he think he can win, Franken replied "I'm good enough, I'm smart enough, and doggone it, people like me."


Comedian Argus Hamilton

The New York Times reported that the CIA and Pentagon are sending letters to banks and demanding to see financial records of U.S. citizens. The letters go out in secret, the subjects are never notified and the bank records are kept forever. But don't worry, we are not officially a fascist state until the planes run on time.

President Bush said this week he thought Saddam Hussein's hanging looked like a revenge killing and said he wished the Iraqis had handled the execution better. The Iraqis are just inexperienced. None of them has ever been the Governor of Texas.

President Bush told CBS's 60 Minutes last Sunday he felt no particular satisfaction when Saddam Hussein was hanged two weeks ago. How could he? During the reading of the will he found out he inherited the Shiites, and the fun went right out of it.  

Morocco convicted two journalists for insulting Islam after their magazine published jokes about the religion. They are putting people in jail for disrespectful jokes. Dick Cheney just declared Morocco a Shining City on a Hill.


The Los Angeles Times editorial page recommended California Governor Arnold Schwarzenegger for president last Sunday even though the Constitution says he's not allowed to run. You never know. After eight years of the Bush administration there might not be enough Constitution left to keep a foreigner out of the White House.


Condi Rice was in the Middle East this last weekend trying to broker a peace deal between the Palestinians and Israelis. She has little leverage. It's hard to impress Muslims or Jews by telling them you represent a president who talks to Jesus.


Pope Benedict took up for the rights of immigrants last week. He speaks from experience. As a young man he left Germany for Belgium, then Holland, and then he went to Denmark and then France, and then Eisenhower landed and chased his ass back home.

The Norman Transcript reported that the Creation Truth Foundation is planning to open a museum of creationism in Dallas. The twenty-thousand-square-foot facility will be called the Museum of Earth History. And you guessed it, it will be built in six days.

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Leno: A skull was found in Romania that has both human and Neanderthal features. Scientists believe this could be the oldest Cleveland Browns fan.

More Argus

Helen Mirren won two Golden Globes Monday for her television and movie roles as Queen Elizabeth I and Queen Elizabeth II. The actress gets better every year. As soon as she gets the royal wave just right, she is going to play Hillary Clinton.

Miss New Jersey USA said she's pregnant, after Miss Nevada USA resigned over nude photos. Miss USA just got out of coke rehab. Miss Congeniality won her title with her presentation on how to tell undercover vice cops from the real Johns.

Indianapolis Colt Adam Vinatieri kicked a record five field goals last Sunday. He has some bloodline. Adam Vinatieri is Evel Knievel's cousin and the great-grandson of General Custer's bandmaster, giving him virtually the same DNA as President Bush.

Air Force sergeant Michelle Manhart was kicked out of the service for posing nude in the February issue of Playboy. It's outrageous! At a time when our armed forces are fighting for freedom, the Taliban has taken over the Air Force...

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The revolution will be sensualized by Pagan Moss


CLICK here, Ladies for Heather's Muscles & Chocolates 

FIERY ACTRESS-PRODUCER-DIRECTOR BARBARA STANWYCK

A mortician was working late one night. It was his job to examine the dead bodies before they were sent off to be buried or cremated. As he examined the body of Mr. Schwartz, who was about to be cremated, he made an amazing discovery. Schwartz had the longest schlong he had ever seen! "I'm sorry Mr. Schwartz," said the mortician, "But I can't send you off to be cremated with a tremendously huge schlong like this. It has to be saved for posterity."
And with that the coroner used his tools to remove the dead man's schlong. The coroner stuffed his prize into a briefcase and took it home. The first person he showed was his wife. "I have something to show you that you won't believe," he said, and opened his briefcase
"Oh my God!" she screamed, "Schwartz is dead?!"

   
Sadie lost her husband almost four years ago and still has not gotten out of her depression, mourning as if it were only yesterday.  Her daughter constantly is calling her and urging her to get back into the world.  Finally, Sadie says she'd go out, but didn't know anyone. Her daughter immediately replies, "Mama! I have someone for you to meet."   
Well, it was an immediate hit.  They took to one another and after dating for six weeks he asks her to join him for a weekend in the Catskills.  And we know what that meant - One room and the normal follow up to that.
Their first night there she undresses as he does. There she stood nude except for a pair of black lacy panties. He in his birthday suit.  Looking at her, he asks "Why the panties?" 
She replies, "My breasts you can fondle, my body is yours to explore, but down there I am still in mourning." 
He knows he's not getting lucky that night. The following night the same scenario. She standing there with the black panties on and he in his birthday suit; except that he has an erection on which he has a black condom.  She looks at him and asks, "What's with this. . . a black condom?" 
He replies, "I'm going to offer my condolences."


Baby seal walks into a club. }}}ohhh...{{{




Bill worked in a pickle factory, He had been employed there for a number of years when he came home one day and confess to his wife that he had a terrible compulsion. He had an urge to stick his penis into the pickle slicer. His wife suggested that he should see a sex therapist to talk about him, but Bill indicated that he'd be too embarrassed. He vowed to overcome the compulsion on his own, One day a few weeks later, Bill came home absolutely ashen. His wife could see at once that something was seriously wrong. "What's wrong, Bill?" she asked.
"Do you remember that I told you how I had this tremendous urge to put my penis into the pickle slicer"'
"Oh, Bill, you didn't.”
'Yes, I did.'
'My God, Bill, what happened?"
"I got fired."
"No, Bill. I mean, what happened with the pickle slicer?"
"Oh, she got fired too."

A man was visiting his wife in hospital where she has been in a coma for several years. On this visit he decided to rub her left breast Instead of just talking to her, on doing this she let out a sigh. The man ran out and told the doctor who said that was a good sign and suggested he should try rubbing her right breast to see If there is any reaction. The husband went in and rubbed her right breast, This produced a moan from his wife. He rushed out and told the doctor. The doctor said this was amazing and a real breakthrough, The doctor then suggested the man should go in and try oral sex saying he would wait outside as it is a personal act and he didn't want the man to be embarrassed.

The man goes in, then came out about five minutes later, while as a sheet. He told the doctor his wife is dead. The doctor asked what happen to which the man replied, "She choked!" 


DR. RUTH WESTHEIMER OFFERS SAGE ADVICE...

Good fortune. COMMENT. Please spread the meme. Don't smoke in bed...

P.O.E.T.S. - 011307 || ROBERT ANTON WILSON HAS LEFT THE PLANET... MLK QUOTES, MEANING... METRO FAIRBORN, OHIO... JEWISHNESS & THE MEANING OF "IS"... SOMETHING'S WRONG WITH THE BEAVER... GUNS & DOPE PARTY... BARBARA BOXER & THE REPRODUCTION OF RICE... SKIN

PISS ON EVER'THIN' - T'DAY'S SATURDAY, January 13, 2007

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UNSUBSCRIBED


Philosopher, author, teacher, gonzo psychologist, humorist and lecturer, ROBERT ANTON WILSON, PhD (RAW) left his carcass @4:50 AM on binary date 01/11. Bob had been confined to his bed (overlooking beautiful Monterey Bay), requiring 24 hour care. Bob had no pain, had a hearty appetite, was in steady good, sharp humor and was surrounded by family and friends.

On January 6, he observed, "Various medical authorities swarm in and out of here predicting I have between two days and two months to live. I think they are guessing. I remain cheerful and unimpressed. I look forward without dogmatic optimism but without dread. I love you all and I deeply implore you to keep the lasagna flying. Please pardon my levity, I don't see how to take death seriously. It seems absurd."
RAW  Works by Robert Anton Wilson


YVONNE DeCARLO (84) beautiful star who played Moses' wife in The Ten
Commandments but achieved her greatest popularity on TV's The Munsters. De
Carlo launched her career in '40s B-movie desert adventures and Westerns,
then rose to more important roles in the '50s. In 1971 she had a key role in a landmark Broadway musical, Stephen Sondheim's Follies, in which she sang the show-stopper "I'm Still Here.'' But for TV viewers, she would always be
known as Lily Munster in the 1964-66 slapstick horror-movie spoof The Munsters. She died in Woodland Hills, California on January 8, 2007.



 
(LaughFish.com)
When reached for a comment, Marilyn Manson said, "Dead, alive. Either way, I'd do her."

BIRTHDAY GREETINGS


Irascible curmudgeon, venerable journalist, atheist, "60 Minutes" commentator ANDY ROONEY is 87.


Pop Singing Idol-pianist-songwriter JOHNNIE RAY (The King of Sob) would be
80.


(Hawkins, mid-30s...)
Southern Rock pioneer, singer RONNIE HAWKINS IS 72.
(Hawkins, 2002)


Oscar-Winning Actress, cool, sexy FAYE DUNAWAY is 65.


Voluptuous Actress KIRSTIE ALLEY is 56.


Heavyweight Boxing Champion-Entrepreneur GEORGE FOREMAN (Da Rev's principal clothier) is 56.


Coochi-coochi!! Es muy caliente, no? Spanish-American singer-guitarist-dancer-comedian CHARO (María Rosario Pilar Martínez Molina
Baeza) is 55!


Delightful Comedic Actress JULIA LOUIS-DREYFUS is 46.


Smoldering R & B Singer MARY J. BLIGE is 36.

QUOTE/UNQUOTE

"I submit that an individual who breaks a law that conscience tells him is unjust, and who willingly accepts the penalty of imprisonment in order to arouse the conscience of the community over its injustice, is in reality expressing the highest respect for the law."

"Ten thousand fools proclaim themselves into obscurity, while one wise man forgets himself into immortality."

"It may be true that the law cannot make a man love me, but it can stop him from lynching me, and I think that's pretty important."
[Martin Luther King Jr.]


Shit, can you beat this? WYSO-FM is airing Dion's "Abraham, Martin and
John"... ...sniff...

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Welcome to the weekly gathering at our home in Metro Fairborn, Ohio. This week THE STAND-UP will include a tribute to Robert Anton Wilson.

We just received a lovely plaque made of some sort of composite materials
designating our modest cottage as having "MOST CURB APPEAL" on our side of the block.

I assume our designation is what inspired the Curly Ray the biker with the pitbulls who lives next door to wax the '68 pea green Ford Galaxie he keeps on concrete blocks in his front yard.

Boy, was he pissed last week! Curly Ray had been trying unsuccessfully to get some information on a UPS shipment he was expecting from J. C. Whitney. After two trips and a phone call to the local independent UPS agent here in Fairborn, Troy Foy, he wrote a harsh letter:
    "Dear Asswipe: If I do not hear from you on this, I shall report you to your
fucking superior."
Back came a letter with the letterhead: "Troy Foy, United Parcel Service
Independent Agent / Foy's Laundromat / Foy's Clothing and Novelties / Troy
Foy - Mini Cooper Dealer."
Mr. Foy began his letter, "Dear Sir: I have no superiors and damn few equals."


Recently I found I needed some some odd-size parts to finish a plumbing repair in one of our bathrooms. Neighbors suggested I try a hardware store here in Fairborn that has been run by the same man, Jake Foy (Troy's Grandpa) for 50 years. He, literally, stocks EVERYTHING (he still had a battered cooler filled
with "NEW COKE"!

Old Jake studied the handful of old parts I had provided
and then shook his head. "OH, CRAP!", he barked.
"I thought you might have these," I said hopefully.
"Oh, I GOT 'em," he assured me, looking around the cluttered store. "But
dag-nab it, NOW I'll have to find 'em!"


I was a big fan of the '60s TV series "Leave It To Beaver". Ward Cleaver was the ideal father that NO one ever had. I was so sure that June was smoldering beneath her cool appearance. I expected to see her burst out of her perky Maidenform bra. I even imagined June was wearing a garter belt under those prim frocks with the upturned collars. Why else did she wear heels every minute of the day? Wally was cool, if a bit clueless.

BUT THERE WAS SOMETHING WRONG WITH "THE BEAVER"! I was sure there was something deeply troubled about young Theodore "Beaver" Cleaver. It turns out that he has finally summoned the courage to resolve his sexual identity issues...

MEET Theodora "Beaver" Cleaver!


One of my gurus has defied medical experts and left his body. Robert Anton Wilson was speaking of gurus when related this anecdote:
"Wavy Gravy (San Francisco Hippie Activist) once asked a Zen Roshi, 'What
happens after death?'
The Roshi replied, 'I don't know.'
Wavy protested, 'But you're a Zen Master!'
'Yes,' the Roshi admitted, "but I'm not a DEAD Zen Master.' "

Wilson once described himself as a libertarian who didn't "hate poor people..." and... he opined, "The only way the Republicans ever get the votes of anybody earning less than half a million a year? They go after the high school drop-out population..."


Bob started the "GUNS & DOPE PARTY...

In 1996, he observed, "The vigilantes in the old west had some colorful punishments. One of their imaginative ways of thoroughly discouraging evil-doers without brutal violence consisted of tying a dead skunk around their necks, handcuffing their hands behind them, and sending them on the road.

I begin to feel some compassion for Bob Dole. No matter how much he denies having any responsibility for -- or even knowledge of -- the Republican Platform, it remains around his neck like the dead skunk of old. His best, or most eloquent speeches, all sound like variations on 'What skunk?' but that doesn't fool anybody. We can all smell what he's got on him."


RAW was weird, in the sense that most of us would have been confounded by much of what he said and wrote, but I believe he was brilliant and I offer you this example. Those of us who have not made it through Joyce's "Ulysses" and those of you who have should appreciate the simple logic Bob derived from that daunting tome:

Schrödinger's Jew
"... Leopold Bloom, a fictitious man, wandered the streets of
Dublin, a real city; and Joyce scholars still argue about his odd odyssey. I
would like to add to the confusion with a note about Bloom's 'Jewishness.'
'Is' Leopold Bloom a Jew? Not according to Orthodox Rabbinical law, which defines a Jew as the child of a Jewish mother. Bloom as the child of a Protestant mother 'is not' a Jew.
According to Nazi law, however, a Jew 'is' a person with a known Jewish
ancestor. Bloom as the son of Rudolph Bloom [born Rudolph Virag], 'is' a
Jew.
See how easily a person can 'be' and 'not be' a Jew at the same time?
On the third hand, most humanists define a Jew as one who believes in and
practices the Judaic religion. By this definition, Bloom who neither believes in nor practices any religion 'is not' a Jew. But Marilyn Monroe, who practiced and probably tried to believe in Judaism while married to Arthur Miller, 'was' a Jew by that definition-- for those few years, if not before or after.
Extensionally or phenomenologically, a Jew 'is' somebody considered Jewish by all or most of the people he meets. By this standard the multi-ordinal Bloom 'is' a Jew again.

Once more: in terms of pure existentialism a Jew 'is' somebody who chooses to consider themselves Jewish. Bloom obviously doesn't consider himself Jewish but Irish, most of the time. Only when under verbal assault by the anti-semitic Citizen in Barney Kiernan's pub does Bloom define himself as Jewish ['And Jesus was a Jew too. Your god. He was a Jew like me.']
Here he obviously has in mind the 'known Jewish ancestor' rule, because he adds 'And so was his father,' to which the Citizen replies, as a correct Catholic, 'He had no father,' and Bloom, unfamiliar with that theology -- logic played with deuces, eights and one-eyed jacks wild -- can only pragmatically reply, 'Well, his uncle then.'
But recalling the incident later, Bloom says 'And he called me a Jew, which as a matter of fact I'm not.' Here he returns to his customary 'believer in Judaic religion' definition.
I suppose Joyce made Bloom such a tangled genetic and cultural mixture to expose the absurdities of anti-semitism; but I also suspect that he wanted  to undermine that neurolinguistic habit which postmodernists call 'essentialism' and which Korzybski claimed invades our brains and causes hallucinations or delusions every time we use the word 'is.' "

(How many of you just went "AH-HAH!!" - of COURSE - Clinton was undermining that neurolinguistic habit of essentialism, insisting on precise language from the prosecutor as to the meaning of what "is" is!)


BIRD FLU STRIKES FLORIDA TRAILER PARK - OHH! THE AVIANITY!

MORE RAW: "The Playboy models look like they very much want to make love
with you. The Penthouse models look like that they'd rather make love to themselves. The gals in Hustler look like they're submitting to a gyncecological examination... Erotica for the very repressed guys who've never had a good look at female anatomy because their wives insist on making love with the lights out."

Rest lively, Bob!

I MUST be OFF!

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BARBARA BOXER HITS CONDI BELOW THE BELT (a cunt-punch, as it were...)
        "Now, the issue is who pays the price. Who pays the price? I'm not going to
pay a personal price. My kids are too old and my grandchild is too young. YOU'RE not going to pay a particular price, as I understand it, with an
immediate family. So who pays the price? The American military and their
families." KUDOS, Babs!


From The Science Creative Quarterly » IT'S A LUCKY THING FOR EVOLUTIONARY BIOLOGY THAT THE FOLLOWING PASSAGES AREN'T IN THE BIBLE:
Jesus then entered the farm, and saw creatures of every shape and size, and so said to his followers, "Hey, my Dad made that creature, and that
creature, and also that creature. Actually, now that I think about it, he made them all."

 

Jake Novak's Humor Blog

Bush Warning
President Bush warns that if America pulled its troops from Iraq, Saudi Arabia would look elsewhere for protection... you mean they might start paying off a different group of terrorists besides al Qaeda?


New Rules
House Speaker Nancy Pelosi is banning a cherished privilege of some lawmakers, the right to smoke near the floor of the House. Oh great! Next thing you know, she'll won't let Congressmen screw their interns in the office.


New U.N. Ambassador
The White House made it official Monday: President Bush will nominate Zalmay
Khalilzad to be the U.S. envoy to the United Nations. The White House is
promising full support for Khalilzad, as long as he doesn't try to use a Koran when he takes the oath of office.


Miami Security Scare
The FBI says the Port of Miami is safe after a truck without the proper credentials caused a security scare. Officials are blaming a
"language barrier" for the problem... none of the U.S. customs agents could speak English.

Archbishop Ousted
Warsaw's new archbishop resigned amid a scandal about his cooperation with the communist-era secret police... and by "cooperated" we mean he dated some of the same boys.

 
Comedian Argus Hamilton
President Bush ordered more troops to Iraq Wednesday from the Map Room, where Bill Clinton admitted his affair with Monica Lewinsky to the nation. One thing is for sure. There will be no further early withdrawals announced from the Map Room.


The Wilmington Star said last week that atheists groups are starting to spring up, even in the South. It's all conjecture for some people. It may well be that life is a series of random events and there's no master plan, but enough about Iraq.


President Bush called Wednesday for more troops and a huge jobs programs for Iraq. He wants to spend billions to stop the murders, end the chaos, and secure the oil. Everyone in New Orleans is starting to wonder what Baghdad has that they don't.


Hillary Clinton was sworn into the Senate last week with her hand on a Bible
which was held by her husband Bill. You could see it was an old dog-eared family Bible. It still has the yellow highlighting on the passages that say oral sex is not adultery.

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HERE'S SOMETHIN' REALLY, REALLY IMPORTANT!!

 

MORE Argus...

Radio La Colifata in Argentina was reported to be getting great ratings with
its novel programming. The show airs live from a Buenos Aires mental hospital and stars medicated patients who provide daily news, entertainment and sports commentary. Success is easy in broadcasting when you use the Rash Limbo Method.


Sylvester Stallone visited Mexico last week to promote Rocky Balboa. He's
loved there. Scenes in old Rocky movies showing people speaking English in
an American meat packing plant get the biggest laughs ever heard inside a
Mexican movie theater.

 
Jake Novak's Humor Blog
Still-Approved Graduate Courses for Charedi
(Ultra-Orthodox Jewish) Women

10) Principles of Economics I: 8 kids on $3-a-day
9) Physics: Your Rabbi vs. the Immovable Object
8) Advanced Sheitl-Weaving
7) The Welfare State... and How to Collect From it
6) Panhandling 101
5) Architecture 404: How to Build a Home out of a Leftover Matzo
4) Psychology 303: The Insanity of Living with no Income
3) Cartography 202: Where to Find Your Local Soup Kitchen
2) Creative Writing: How to Fake a Mortgage Application
1) Political Science: Democratic Rights & Why You'll Never Have Any


Da Rev: Victoria Beckham, AKA "Posh Spice" is moving to LA. She's bringing her husband in short pants with her...

Beckham Bolts
British soccer great David Beckham has signed a contract to play for the
L.A. Galaxy in the MLS. Beckham coming to play for an American pro soccer
team is like Robert DeNiro doing the 4th grade play at Bayonne Elementary
School.


iPhone Revealed
Steve Jobs has unveiled Apple's new iPhone, a mobile phone that plays
iTunes, surfs the Web, and finally offers people the option of never having
to actually deal with a human being in person again.
(Da rev's waiting for the introduction of the model that includes a nose and
ear hair trimmer...)


Football Champs
After the Florida Gators whipped Ohio State Monday night, college football
has a clear and undisputed National Champion. What isn't clear is how much a
championship ring will help all the Florida players who still can't read.


What Women Want
New research shows that women think men with square jaws and well-defined
brow ridges are good short-term partners, while men with more feminine traits are perceived as better long-term mates. Great... and I've been spending all this money on penis-enlarging products!

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NEW FOR THE LADIES!
Heather's Muscles & Chocolates Page
What's not to like?!

EXOTIC ACTRESS YVONNE DeCARLO

This story is DEDICATED TO ROBERT ANTON WILSON, enlightened libertarian:

Little Tony was sitting on a park bench munching on one candy bar after another. After the 6th candy bar, a man on the bench across from him said, "Son, you know eating all that candy isn't good for you. It will give you acne, rot your teeth, and make you fat."
Little Tony replied, "My grandfather lived to be 107 years old."
The man asked, "Did your grandfather eat 6 candy bars at a time?"
Little Tony answered, "No, he minded his own fucking business."


Last week whenever Da Pagan Baby was distracted I was checking out all the
female guests at the STAND-UP. I spotted an attractive woman across the
room. When I approached and asked her name, she coyly replied... "Carmen ."
Trying to maintain some sort of conversation with her, I responded with,
"That's a beautiful name, are you named after a family member?"
"No," she replied. "I gave it to myself, because it reflects the things I
like most in the world - cars and men."
Then she asked, "What's your name?"
"I'm your host, Rev. Beer-tits," I replied.


LOVELY ACTRESS JULIA LOUIS-DREYFUS

Mike was going to be married to Karen, so his father sat him down for a little chat. He said, "Mike, let me tell you something. On my wedding night in our honeymoon suite I took off my pants, handed them to your mother, and said, 'Here - try these on'.
She did and said, 'These are too big, I can't wear them."
I replied, "Exactly I wear the pants in this family and I always will."
Ever since that night we have had no problems.
"Hmmm," said Mike.
He thought that might be a good thing to try.

On his honeymoon, Mike took off his pants and said to Karen, "Here try these
on."
She tried them on and said, "These are too large. They don't fit me."
Mike said, "Exactly. I wear the pants in this family and I always will. I
don't want you to ever forget that."
Then Karen took off her pants and handed them to Mike. She said, "Here-you
try on mine."
He did and said, "I can't get into your pants."
Karen said, "Exactly. And if you don't change your smart ass attitude, you
never will."
And she lived happily ever after.

(Click on any image to ENLARGE it)

HOW MANY DOGS DOES IT TAKE TO CHANGE A LIGHT BULB?

Border Collie: "Just one. And then I'll replace any wiring that's not up to
code."

Afghan: "Light bulb? What light bulb?"

Golden Retriever: "The sun is shining, the day is young, we've  got our whole lives ahead of us, and you're inside worrying about a stupid
burned-out light bulb?"

Golden Retriever #2: "I'll be glad to change the light bulb for you, but first can't we play catch with the tennis ball, or frisbee - and then I want to lick your face and rest my head in your lap and look up at you with my sad eyes. What, you're changing the light bulb yourself - you didn't have to do that - but I looooove you so much for being my friend and doing that."

Rottweiler: "Just one. You want to make something of it?"

 
Lab: "Oh, me, me! Pleeeeeeeze let me change the light bulb! Can I? Can I?
Can I? Huh? Can I?"

Jack Russell Terrier: "I'll just pop it in while I am bouncing off the walls
and furniture."

Cocker Spaniel: "Why change it? I can still pee on the carpet in the dark."

Pointer: "I see it, there it is, there it is, right there . . . ."

Greyhound: "It isn't moving so who cares?"

Australian Shepard: "First I'll put all the light bulbs in a little circle..."


Boxer: "If I could stop wiggling my butt long enough to quit falling off the chair..."

Wolf-dog hybrid: "Let me see that light bulb, anyway. What's it made of, what's inside of it, what will happen if I drop it. I might change it, but let me think about it. You're not trying to tell me what to do, are you? Hey, I just had a great idea. I think I'll change that light bulb!"

Pit bull: "Just one, but then I'll hang on to it, dangling from it until the
ceiling falls in."

Pug: "I'll change it when I wake up. Be about 20 hours. Anybody got a
treat?"

A VISION: JULIA LOUIS DREYFUS... mmmmm... tootsies!

Good fortune. COMMENT!! Please spread the meme. Don't smoke in bed...

SKEPTICS' DIGEST - JANUARY, 2007 || CREATIONISTS OPPOSE GORE'S MOVIE... A MARXIST VIEW OF SCIENCE... LACK OF EDUCATION MAY BE FATAL... and, of course - "FALLACIOUS ASSAULTS"...

SKEPTICS’  DIGEST

YOURS FOR
BOLOGNA DETECTION

- SINCE 1996

“What you think you know may not be so.”

(Click on any image to ENLARGE it)


QUOTE/UNQUOTE

"Knowledge is often mistaken for intelligence. This is like mistaking a cup of milk for a cow." [Anon] 

"If you wish to convince people of something, it is more useful to be entertaining than to be right." [Anon]

"Change is inevitable; progress is optional." [Proverb]

"A man said to the Universe, 'Sir, I exist!'
'However,' replied the Universe,
The fact has not aroused in me
a sense of obligation.' "
[Steven Crane]

"My answer to the question, 'What person, living or dead, would you invite to a dinner party?' - changes from time to time - but Anonymous remains at the top of the list." [Rev. Art]

ARTICLE
FEDERAL WAY, WA SCHOOLS RESTRICT GORE FILM
By Robert McClure and Lisa Stiffler
The Seattle Post Intelligencer
Thursday 11 January 2007

"Inconvenient Truth" called too controversial.
   
This week in Federal Way schools, it got a lot more inconvenient to show one of the top-grossing documentaries in U.S. history, the global-warming alert "An Inconvenient Truth."


After a parent who supports the teaching of creationism and opposes sex education complained about the film, the Federal Way School Board on Tuesday placed what it labeled a moratorium on showing the film. The movie consists largely of a PowerPoint presentation by former Vice President Al Gore recounting scientists' findings.
   

"Condoms don't belong in school, and neither does Al Gore. He's not a schoolteacher," said Frosty Hardison, a parent of seven who also said that he believes the Earth is 14,000 years old. "The information that's being presented is a very cockeyed view of what the truth is.... The Bible says that in the end times everything will burn up, but that perspective isn't in the DVD."
    Hardison's e-mail to the School Board prompted board member David Larson to propose the moratorium Tuesday night. (MORE Frosty Hardison "logic" in "FALLACIOUS ASSAULTS"...)
   

"Somebody could say you're killing free speech, and my retort to them would be we're encouraging free speech," said Larson, a lawyer. "The beauty of our society is we allow debate."
   

School Board members adopted a three-point policy that says teachers who want to show the movie must ensure that a "credible, legitimate opposing view will be presented," that they must get the OK of the principal and the superintendent, and that any teachers who have shown the film must now present an "opposing view."
   
The requirement to represent another side follows district policy to represent both sides of a controversial issue, board President Ed Barney said.
   
"What is purported in this movie is, 'This is what is happening. Period. That is fact,'" Barney said.
   
Students should hear the perspective of global-warming skeptics and then make up their minds, he said. After they do, "if they think driving around in cars is going to kill us all, that's fine, that's their choice."
   
Asked whether an alternative explanation for evolution should be presented by teachers, Barney said it would be appropriate to tell students that other beliefs exist. "It's only a theory," he said.
   
While the question of climate change has provoked intense argument in political circles in recent years, among scientists its basic tenets have become the subject of an increasingly stronger consensus.

"In the light of new evidence and taking into account the remaining uncertainties, most of the observed warming over the last 50 years is likely to have been due to the increase in greenhouse gas concentrations," states a 2001 report by the Intergovernmental Panel on Climate Change, which advises policymakers.
   
"Furthermore, it is very likely that the 20th-century warming has contributed significantly to the observed sea level rise, through thermal expansion of seawater and widespread loss of land ice."
   
The basics of that position are backed by the American Meteorological Society, the American Geophysical Union, the American Association for the Advancement of Science and the National Academy of Sciences.
   
Laurie David, a co-producer of the movie, said that this is the first incident of its kind relating to the film. "I am shocked that a school district would come to this decision," David said in a prepared statement. "There is no opposing view to science, which is fact, and the facts are clear that global warming is here, now."
   
The Federal Way incident started when Hardison learned that his daughter would see the movie in class. He objected. Hardison and his wife, Gayla, said they would prefer that the movie not be shown at all in schools. "From what I've seen (of the movie) and what my husband has expressed to me, if (the movie) is going to take the approach of 'bad America, bad America,' I don't think it should be shown at all," Gayle Hardison said. "If you're going to come in and just say America is creating the rotten ruin of the world, I don't think the video should be shown."
   

Scientists say that Americans, with about 5 percent of the world's population, emit about 25 percent of the globe-warming gases.
   
Larson, the School Board member, said a pre-existing policy should have alerted teachers and principals that the movie must be counterbalanced. The policy, titled "Controversial Issues, Teaching of," says in part, "It is the teacher's responsibility to present controversial issues that are free from prejudice and encourage students to form, hold and express their own opinions without personal prejudice or discrimination. The principal reason for that is to make sure that the public schools are not used for indoctrination," Larson said.
   
Students contacted Wednesday said they favor allowing the movie to be shown. "I think that a movie like that is a really great way to open people's eyes up about what you can do and what you are doing to the planet and how that's going to affect the human race," said Kenna Patrick, a senior at Jefferson High School.  When it comes to the idea of presenting global warming skeptics, Patrick wasn't sure how necessary that would be. She hadn't seen the movie but had read about it and would like to see it. "Watching a movie doesn't mean that you have to believe everything you see in it," she said.
   
Joan Patrick, Kenna's mother, thought it would be a good idea for students to see the movie. They are the ones who will be dealing with the effects of a warmer planet. "It's their job," she said. "They're the next generation."

(Your editor has yet to see the film in question. We plan to view it in our living room theater in Metro Fairborn, Ohio, in the next few weeks and we'll give you a full report...)

(Click on any image to ENLARGE it)


ARTICLE

TELEVANGELIST SUED OVER "GOD CAN HEAL" CLAIM

(About: Mega Church Pastor in Monroe, Ohio)


The Guardian, UK
Ed Pilkington in New York
Tuesday January 2, 2007

Darlene Bishop, a tele-evangelist with a nationwide following, does not do things by half. When she and her husband Lawrence erected a statue of Jesus on the grounds of their mega church in Monroe, Ohio, they made it 62 feet high. No less gargantuan are her claims about the power of prayer to overcome illness. Through a series of sermons, books and a television show, "Sisters", broadcast on religious satellite channels throughout the US and abroad, she preaches that God has the power to heal even the most deadly diseases, including cancer.

But the contention is now the subject of a court action. Four of Mrs Bishop's relatives are suing her over her claim that God cured their father - her brother - of throat cancer. He died of the disease 18 months ago.
In her book Your Life Follows Your Words, Mrs Bishop tells how she overcame her breast cancer through prayer, and how her brother was also cured. There is no mention of his death in the book, which she says is due to the fact that it was published at a time when he had been in remission for more than a year.
But the volume is still on sale through her website (price $15) under the blurb: "How God healed her of breast cancer and her brother healed from throat cancer".

Mrs Bishop's brother, Darrell "Wayne" Perry, was an accomplished songwriter whose work has been performed by big names in country music such as Tim McGraw, and by the Backstreet Boys. For a year before his death in May 2005, aged 55, he was cared for by his sister.

His children, Bryan, Justin, Olivia and Christian, have issued a lawsuit for wrongful death against Mrs Bishop because they claim she persuaded Perry to stop chemotherapy and rely instead on God's healing. They contend in legal depositions that at the moment Mrs Bishop and her brother were touring the country preaching about the miracle of his recovery, they were both aware that he had been advised by doctors that his illness was terminal.

In a separate legal action to be heard on Friday they also accuse Mrs Bishop of probate irregularities and of mishandling her brother's estate. "I am the oldest son of Wayne Perry", Bryan has written, "and I think it's a damn shame that we have to spend our money fighting our aunt."

In her blog, Mrs Bishop dismisses the allegations as "complete lies", insisting she would never tell anyone to refuse medical help. "I encouraged him to listen to the doctors, but he refused surgery."

There is no sign of Mrs Bishop falling on her sword. The motto of her church, founded in 1978, is: "Because Emmanuel lives, I expect victory every time."
Guardian Unlimited © Guardian News and Media Limited 2007

Massimo Pigliucci's Blog

NATIONAL PARK SERVICE "AGNOSTIC" ON THE AGE OF THE GRAND CANYON 
Tuesday, January 02, 2007


A new press release by Public Employees for Environmental Responsibilities (clearly an anti-Christian, pinko-communist organization) has again brought public attention to the peculiar fact that rangers at the Grand Canyon national park are officially prohibited (by the Bush administration, that bastion of scholarship and high cultural standards) from publicly answering the simplest question about the Canyon: how old is it? That's because the correct answer (between 1.2 and 5.3 million years, the latter being the date when the Colorado River changed course and began the erosion process) is unpalatable to Biblical fundamentalists.

Moreover, the Park in recent years has approved only one new item for sale in its bookstore: a creationist pamphlet sputtering nonsense about a worldwide flood that allegedly happened a few thousand years ago. As if that were not enough, the Bush administration has also suppressed a previously existing Park policy that directed the interpretive staff to make distinctions between religion and science when speaking to the public, without endorsing any specific religious doctrine (such as the geologically absurd idea of a few-thousand years old worldwide flood creating the Canyon).

A geologist commented on the controversy by saying that “This is the equivalent of Yellowstone National Park selling a book entitled 'Geysers of Old Faithful: Nostrils of Satan.'”
(Massimo: "Hey, I've been at Yellowstone to see Old Faithful, and now that you mentioned it, that strong smell of sulfur...")

(Click on any image to ENLARGE it)

Massimo Pigliucci's Blog

LACK OF EDUCATION CAN KILL YOU; EXTRA EDUCATION LENGTHENS YOUR LIFE
Friday, January 05, 2007

At least, that's the finding of several studies reported by the BBC and the New York Times. According to the BBC, a disturbing 27% of people in Britain are convinced that the likelihood of them becoming affected by a major sickness is a function of “fate,” not of how they manage their life style. Predictably, among smokers the percentage goes up to 50, an obvious example of denial in action (I know first hand, since my father died of smoke-related cancer a few years ago, and often blamed his bad luck because, you know, there are people who smoke into their 90s and are fine). Interestingly, people with high income (and, presumably, better education) are less likely to blame fate (14%), while people of low income are much more likely to do so (43%).

The article in the New York Times reported several findings over the last few years suggesting that the single most important statistical predictor (and, more controversially, causal factor) of longevity across the globe is education. One study at Columbia University used historical records from the United States to track the effect of increases in the number of compulsory years of schooling in different States through time: on average, an additional year in school was equivalent to an additional 18 months of life span. Not bad, even if you have to endure a bit more calculus and English lit.

Education is statistically more important than any other single factor, including – rather surprisingly – race and socio-economic status, and the results have been confirmed in several other countries around the planet. The most intriguing suggestion made so far to explain the effect is that it has to do with people's ability to forgo immediate pleasure for future gain, rather than with simple knowledge of health matters. For example, in the United States pretty much everyone, regardless of race and wealth, is by now aware that smoking has deleterious health effects, and yet the rate of smoking is much higher among low-income people. It is certainly intriguing that at least one federally funded research study showed that among middle-aged people, less education is in fact directly related to difficulty in thinking ahead.

So, Aristotle was right, after all: it is the educated person who is most capable of steering her behavior toward the golden mean (away from excesses) and to overcome humanity's inherent problem of akrasia (weakness of the will). Rather than “seizing the day,” it is much healthier to think ahead and go to the gym.

REVIEW


A PEOPLE'S HISTORY OF SCIENCE:
Miners, Midwives, and "Low Mechaniks" (Paperback)
by Clifford D. Conner
(A Marxist View of Science...)

PC Baloney, August 29, 2006
Reviewer: Donald B. Siano (Westfield, NJ USA)
   
Clifford D. Conner has a viewpoint on the history of science that is downright wrong. His thesis is that there is "a much, much greater contribution to the production and propagation of scientific knowledge on the part of anonymous masses of humble people--the common people--than is generally recognized or acknowledged." That Newton didn't sit on the shoulder of giants, but rather "stood on the backs of untold thousands of illiterate artisans." To arrive at this rather startling picture, he starts by defining science extremely broadly as "knowledge of nature and the associated knowledge-producing activities."

About the first half of the book is about the pre-scientific revolution, and covers in detail all of the "scientific knowledge" attained by hunter-gatherers, early agriculturalists, polynesian navigators, that Sub-Saharan rulers of Egypt, the polynesian navigators, and so on. No doubt these people acquired much "knowledge of nature" and therefore had among them anonymous, illiterate masses of scientists, he argues.

One problem here is that he uses "science" in a way that makes his case so obvious it borders on the tautological. Most people today when the refer to "science" means something scientists do: it involves systematic collection of data, measurements and quantification, tables, charts, graphs, equations, models, laws, and generalizations; controlled experiments and observations with complex scientific instruments; and publications in peer reviewed scientific journals. It is done by known, highly educated individuals, who publish their results--an elite.

What he is really trying to do, he freely admits, is to show that the great elite heroes of science, like Newton and Galileo, were actually not so great. Did you know, he winks, that Boyle, who supposedly discovered Boyle's Law, actually had a technician! And that Henry the Navigator was not only not a navigator, he rarely set foot on a ship! Gee, even Tycho Brahe's observatory was actually built by artisans and craftsmen, now lost to history!

Then we get down to Conner's real problem: his account of the scientific revolution reveals that the elite "great" men are not only men, but they are white Western men! And therefore they are not only sexist, they are racists to boot. And not only that, the exist as at the peak of a hierarchy who exploit the real producers of progress for their own, dubious glory. And not only that, much of the science they produce makes for a society that is unequal, destructive, and even pollutes the environment.

This is just so much boring, politically correct, baloney, told mostly in a sophomoric impenetrable "academic" style so turgid only dead Marxists could appreciate it. Pass it by.

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From Pharyngula:
Frosty Hardison, a parent who supports the teaching of creationism and opposes sex education complained about the Al Gore film, "An Inconvenient Truth" to the Federal Way School Board in a suburb of Seattle...

It's people like Al Gore, in both the Democratic and Republican parties and any other person on earth (no matter their political affiliation) that continue supporting the liberal biased politicians and judges legislating from the bench - that endorse gay marriage, kick Jesus Christ out of public schools and say Happy Holidays rather than Merry Christmas - that are speeding the curse and effect along. (did you see the play on words there? Cause and effect — curse and effect?)

The thing people should really be on the watch for instead of global warming, is a red celestial body (comet or asteroid) that will appear as a cross in the sky. That event will happen long before global warming makes a serious and noticeable impact into the lives of people on earth. People en mass do not want to hear of such things though, as they do not wish to be held accountable for the things they do here.

I present this potential solution: One way this WORLD could make a dent in what has already transpired, would be to build several huge nuclear power plants in the polar regions and install several freezer coils at the edges of the polar glaciers to begin expanding the size of the ice and begin making more ice. What are the odds of that happening? There is your "INCONVENIENT TRUTH".

(Click on any image to ENLARGE it)

Good fortune. COMMENT!! Please spread the meme. Don't smoke in bed...

SKEPTICS’  DIGEST

YOURS FOR
BOLOGNA DETECTION

- SINCE 1996

“What you think you know may not be so.”

(Click on any image to ENLARGE it)


QUOTE/UNQUOTE

"Knowledge is often mistaken for intelligence. This is like mistaking a cup of milk for a cow." [Anon] 

"If you wish to convince people of something, it is more useful to be entertaining than to be right." [Anon]

"Change is inevitable; progress is optional." [Proverb]

"A man said to the Universe, 'Sir, I exist!'
'However,' replied the Universe,
The fact has not aroused in me
a sense of obligation.' "
[Steven Crane]

"My answer to the question, 'What person, living or dead, would you invite to a dinner party?' - changes from time to time - but Anonymous remains at the top of the list." [Rev. Art]

ARTICLE
FEDERAL WAY, WA SCHOOLS RESTRICT GORE FILM
By Robert McClure and Lisa Stiffler
The Seattle Post Intelligencer
Thursday 11 January 2007

"Inconvenient Truth" called too controversial.
   
This week in Federal Way schools, it got a lot more inconvenient to show one of the top-grossing documentaries in U.S. history, the global-warming alert "An Inconvenient Truth."


After a parent who supports the teaching of creationism and opposes sex education complained about the film, the Federal Way School Board on Tuesday placed what it labeled a moratorium on showing the film. The movie consists largely of a PowerPoint presentation by former Vice President Al Gore recounting scientists' findings.
   

"Condoms don't belong in school, and neither does Al Gore. He's not a schoolteacher," said Frosty Hardison, a parent of seven who also said that he believes the Earth is 14,000 years old. "The information that's being presented is a very cockeyed view of what the truth is.... The Bible says that in the end times everything will burn up, but that perspective isn't in the DVD."
    Hardison's e-mail to the School Board prompted board member David Larson to propose the moratorium Tuesday night. (MORE Frosty Hardison "logic" in "FALLACIOUS ASSAULTS"...)
   

"Somebody could say you're killing free speech, and my retort to them would be we're encouraging free speech," said Larson, a lawyer. "The beauty of our society is we allow debate."
   

School Board members adopted a three-point policy that says teachers who want to show the movie must ensure that a "credible, legitimate opposing view will be presented," that they must get the OK of the principal and the superintendent, and that any teachers who have shown the film must now present an "opposing view."
   
The requirement to represent another side follows district policy to represent both sides of a controversial issue, board President Ed Barney said.
   
"What is purported in this movie is, 'This is what is happening. Period. That is fact,'" Barney said.
   
Students should hear the perspective of global-warming skeptics and then make up their minds, he said. After they do, "if they think driving around in cars is going to kill us all, that's fine, that's their choice."
   
Asked whether an alternative explanation for evolution should be presented by teachers, Barney said it would be appropriate to tell students that other beliefs exist. "It's only a theory," he said.
   
While the question of climate change has provoked intense argument in political circles in recent years, among scientists its basic tenets have become the subject of an increasingly stronger consensus.

"In the light of new evidence and taking into account the remaining uncertainties, most of the observed warming over the last 50 years is likely to have been due to the increase in greenhouse gas concentrations," states a 2001 report by the Intergovernmental Panel on Climate Change, which advises policymakers.
   
"Furthermore, it is very likely that the 20th-century warming has contributed significantly to the observed sea level rise, through thermal expansion of seawater and widespread loss of land ice."
   
The basics of that position are backed by the American Meteorological Society, the American Geophysical Union, the American Association for the Advancement of Science and the National Academy of Sciences.
   
Laurie David, a co-producer of the movie, said that this is the first incident of its kind relating to the film. "I am shocked that a school district would come to this decision," David said in a prepared statement. "There is no opposing view to science, which is fact, and the facts are clear that global warming is here, now."
   
The Federal Way incident started when Hardison learned that his daughter would see the movie in class. He objected. Hardison and his wife, Gayla, said they would prefer that the movie not be shown at all in schools. "From what I've seen (of the movie) and what my husband has expressed to me, if (the movie) is going to take the approach of 'bad America, bad America,' I don't think it should be shown at all," Gayle Hardison said. "If you're going to come in and just say America is creating the rotten ruin of the world, I don't think the video should be shown."
   

Scientists say that Americans, with about 5 percent of the world's population, emit about 25 percent of the globe-warming gases.
   
Larson, the School Board member, said a pre-existing policy should have alerted teachers and principals that the movie must be counterbalanced. The policy, titled "Controversial Issues, Teaching of," says in part, "It is the teacher's responsibility to present controversial issues that are free from prejudice and encourage students to form, hold and express their own opinions without personal prejudice or discrimination. The principal reason for that is to make sure that the public schools are not used for indoctrination," Larson said.
   
Students contacted Wednesday said they favor allowing the movie to be shown. "I think that a movie like that is a really great way to open people's eyes up about what you can do and what you are doing to the planet and how that's going to affect the human race," said Kenna Patrick, a senior at Jefferson High School.  When it comes to the idea of presenting global warming skeptics, Patrick wasn't sure how necessary that would be. She hadn't seen the movie but had read about it and would like to see it. "Watching a movie doesn't mean that you have to believe everything you see in it," she said.
   
Joan Patrick, Kenna's mother, thought it would be a good idea for students to see the movie. They are the ones who will be dealing with the effects of a warmer planet. "It's their job," she said. "They're the next generation."

(Your editor has yet to see the film in question. We plan to view it in our living room theater in Metro Fairborn, Ohio, in the next few weeks and we'll give you a full report...)

(Click on any image to ENLARGE it)


ARTICLE

TELEVANGELIST SUED OVER "GOD CAN HEAL" CLAIM

(About: Mega Church Pastor in Monroe, Ohio)


The Guardian, UK
Ed Pilkington in New York
Tuesday January 2, 2007

Darlene Bishop, a tele-evangelist with a nationwide following, does not do things by half. When she and her husband Lawrence erected a statue of Jesus on the grounds of their mega church in Monroe, Ohio, they made it 62 feet high. No less gargantuan are her claims about the power of prayer to overcome illness. Through a series of sermons, books and a television show, "Sisters", broadcast on religious satellite channels throughout the US and abroad, she preaches that God has the power to heal even the most deadly diseases, including cancer.

But the contention is now the subject of a court action. Four of Mrs Bishop's relatives are suing her over her claim that God cured their father - her brother - of throat cancer. He died of the disease 18 months ago.
In her book Your Life Follows Your Words, Mrs Bishop tells how she overcame her breast cancer through prayer, and how her brother was also cured. There is no mention of his death in the book, which she says is due to the fact that it was published at a time when he had been in remission for more than a year.
But the volume is still on sale through her website (price $15) under the blurb: "How God healed her of breast cancer and her brother healed from throat cancer".

Mrs Bishop's brother, Darrell "Wayne" Perry, was an accomplished songwriter whose work has been performed by big names in country music such as Tim McGraw, and by the Backstreet Boys. For a year before his death in May 2005, aged 55, he was cared for by his sister.

His children, Bryan, Justin, Olivia and Christian, have issued a lawsuit for wrongful death against Mrs Bishop because they claim she persuaded Perry to stop chemotherapy and rely instead on God's healing. They contend in legal depositions that at the moment Mrs Bishop and her brother were touring the country preaching about the miracle of his recovery, they were both aware that he had been advised by doctors that his illness was terminal.

In a separate legal action to be heard on Friday they also accuse Mrs Bishop of probate irregularities and of mishandling her brother's estate. "I am the oldest son of Wayne Perry", Bryan has written, "and I think it's a damn shame that we have to spend our money fighting our aunt."

In her blog, Mrs Bishop dismisses the allegations as "complete lies", insisting she would never tell anyone to refuse medical help. "I encouraged him to listen to the doctors, but he refused surgery."

There is no sign of Mrs Bishop falling on her sword. The motto of her church, founded in 1978, is: "Because Emmanuel lives, I expect victory every time."
Guardian Unlimited © Guardian News and Media Limited 2007

Massimo Pigliucci's Blog

NATIONAL PARK SERVICE "AGNOSTIC" ON THE AGE OF THE GRAND CANYON 
Tuesday, January 02, 2007


A new press release by Public Employees for Environmental Responsibilities (clearly an anti-Christian, pinko-communist organization) has again brought public attention to the peculiar fact that rangers at the Grand Canyon national park are officially prohibited (by the Bush administration, that bastion of scholarship and high cultural standards) from publicly answering the simplest question about the Canyon: how old is it? That's because the correct answer (between 1.2 and 5.3 million years, the latter being the date when the Colorado River changed course and began the erosion process) is unpalatable to Biblical fundamentalists.

Moreover, the Park in recent years has approved only one new item for sale in its bookstore: a creationist pamphlet sputtering nonsense about a worldwide flood that allegedly happened a few thousand years ago. As if that were not enough, the Bush administration has also suppressed a previously existing Park policy that directed the interpretive staff to make distinctions between religion and science when speaking to the public, without endorsing any specific religious doctrine (such as the geologically absurd idea of a few-thousand years old worldwide flood creating the Canyon).

A geologist commented on the controversy by saying that “This is the equivalent of Yellowstone National Park selling a book entitled 'Geysers of Old Faithful: Nostrils of Satan.'”
(Massimo: "Hey, I've been at Yellowstone to see Old Faithful, and now that you mentioned it, that strong smell of sulfur...")

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Massimo Pigliucci's Blog

LACK OF EDUCATION CAN KILL YOU; EXTRA EDUCATION LENGTHENS YOUR LIFE
Friday, January 05, 2007

At least, that's the finding of several studies reported by the BBC and the New York Times. According to the BBC, a disturbing 27% of people in Britain are convinced that the likelihood of them becoming affected by a major sickness is a function of “fate,” not of how they manage their life style. Predictably, among smokers the percentage goes up to 50, an obvious example of denial in action (I know first hand, since my father died of smoke-related cancer a few years ago, and often blamed his bad luck because, you know, there are people who smoke into their 90s and are fine). Interestingly, people with high income (and, presumably, better education) are less likely to blame fate (14%), while people of low income are much more likely to do so (43%).

The article in the New York Times reported several findings over the last few years suggesting that the single most important statistical predictor (and, more controversially, causal factor) of longevity across the globe is education. One study at Columbia University used historical records from the United States to track the effect of increases in the number of compulsory years of schooling in different States through time: on average, an additional year in school was equivalent to an additional 18 months of life span. Not bad, even if you have to endure a bit more calculus and English lit.

Education is statistically more important than any other single factor, including – rather surprisingly – race and socio-economic status, and the results have been confirmed in several other countries around the planet. The most intriguing suggestion made so far to explain the effect is that it has to do with people's ability to forgo immediate pleasure for future gain, rather than with simple knowledge of health matters. For example, in the United States pretty much everyone, regardless of race and wealth, is by now aware that smoking has deleterious health effects, and yet the rate of smoking is much higher among low-income people. It is certainly intriguing that at least one federally funded research study showed that among middle-aged people, less education is in fact directly related to difficulty in thinking ahead.

So, Aristotle was right, after all: it is the educated person who is most capable of steering her behavior toward the golden mean (away from excesses) and to overcome humanity's inherent problem of akrasia (weakness of the will). Rather than “seizing the day,” it is much healthier to think ahead and go to the gym.

REVIEW


A PEOPLE'S HISTORY OF SCIENCE:
Miners, Midwives, and "Low Mechaniks" (Paperback)
by Clifford D. Conner
(A Marxist View of Science...)

PC Baloney, August 29, 2006
Reviewer: Donald B. Siano (Westfield, NJ USA)
   
Clifford D. Conner has a viewpoint on the history of science that is downright wrong. His thesis is that there is "a much, much greater contribution to the production and propagation of scientific knowledge on the part of anonymous masses of humble people--the common people--than is generally recognized or acknowledged." That Newton didn't sit on the shoulder of giants, but rather "stood on the backs of untold thousands of illiterate artisans." To arrive at this rather startling picture, he starts by defining science extremely broadly as "knowledge of nature and the associated knowledge-producing activities."

About the first half of the book is about the pre-scientific revolution, and covers in detail all of the "scientific knowledge" attained by hunter-gatherers, early agriculturalists, polynesian navigators, that Sub-Saharan rulers of Egypt, the polynesian navigators, and so on. No doubt these people acquired much "knowledge of nature" and therefore had among them anonymous, illiterate masses of scientists, he argues.

One problem here is that he uses "science" in a way that makes his case so obvious it borders on the tautological. Most people today when the refer to "science" means something scientists do: it involves systematic collection of data, measurements and quantification, tables, charts, graphs, equations, models, laws, and generalizations; controlled experiments and observations with complex scientific instruments; and publications in peer reviewed scientific journals. It is done by known, highly educated individuals, who publish their results--an elite.

What he is really trying to do, he freely admits, is to show that the great elite heroes of science, like Newton and Galileo, were actually not so great. Did you know, he winks, that Boyle, who supposedly discovered Boyle's Law, actually had a technician! And that Henry the Navigator was not only not a navigator, he rarely set foot on a ship! Gee, even Tycho Brahe's observatory was actually built by artisans and craftsmen, now lost to history!

Then we get down to Conner's real problem: his account of the scientific revolution reveals that the elite "great" men are not only men, but they are white Western men! And therefore they are not only sexist, they are racists to boot. And not only that, the exist as at the peak of a hierarchy who exploit the real producers of progress for their own, dubious glory. And not only that, much of the science they produce makes for a society that is unequal, destructive, and even pollutes the environment.

This is just so much boring, politically correct, baloney, told mostly in a sophomoric impenetrable "academic" style so turgid only dead Marxists could appreciate it. Pass it by.

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From Pharyngula:
Frosty Hardison, a parent who supports the teaching of creationism and opposes sex education complained about the Al Gore film, "An Inconvenient Truth" to the Federal Way School Board in a suburb of Seattle...

It's people like Al Gore, in both the Democratic and Republican parties and any other person on earth (no matter their political affiliation) that continue supporting the liberal biased politicians and judges legislating from the bench - that endorse gay marriage, kick Jesus Christ out of public schools and say Happy Holidays rather than Merry Christmas - that are speeding the curse and effect along. (did you see the play on words there? Cause and effect — curse and effect?)

The thing people should really be on the watch for instead of global warming, is a red celestial body (comet or asteroid) that will appear as a cross in the sky. That event will happen long before global warming makes a serious and noticeable impact into the lives of people on earth. People en mass do not want to hear of such things though, as they do not wish to be held accountable for the things they do here.

I present this potential solution: One way this WORLD could make a dent in what has already transpired, would be to build several huge nuclear power plants in the polar regions and install several freezer coils at the edges of the polar glaciers to begin expanding the size of the ice and begin making more ice. What are the odds of that happening? There is your "INCONVENIENT TRUTH".

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Good fortune. COMMENT!! Please spread the meme. Don't smoke in bed...

YOU'VE BEEN DRINKIN' - SO IF YOU'RE DRIVIN', MAKE SURE YOU HAVE A CAR... || THE NEW PROHIBITIONISTS * BLOOD ALCOHOL CONTENT TYRANNY *

WHY do defense attorneys have all these stories of clients, pillars of their communities, who, according to their own accounts and those of witnesses, drank a couple of glasses of wine with dinner, or 3-4 beers after work at a billiards hall - BLOWIN' a .15 OR a .21 on the field-administered BAC test?!

SOURCE :

1-800-dial dui.com

The breathalyzer is designed to test persons having a 2100/1 blood-breath ratio. Such ratios in fact vary from 1100/1 to 3200/1. The variance can produce errors in test results. In fact, high readings were taken in 14% of the population.

The temperature of the machine itself varies, thus affecting test results.

Body temperatures in fact vary between human beings, also affecting test results.

Hematocrit, or the solid particles in whole blood, vary (particularly between males and females, which also affects test results.

Even with some inherent unreliability in various breath testing machines, errors may be magnified if police do not follow proper procedures, such as in calibrating a machine, testing blank specimens, or in making sure a suspect is not affected by his or her ambient environment.

A good defense lawyer will know how to challenge the accuracy of breath test..

Alcohol Breath Testers: Incorrect Readings

Alcohol breath detectors don’t actually measure blood alcohol content (BAC), but indirectly estimate it. The only test of BAC is through drawing a sample of blood and performing laboratory tests on it. However, that is rarely done.

IN FACT - if possible, call your attorney BEFORE consenting to a field administered BAC test. It may be advisable to go for a controlled breathalyzer test back at HQ - or to submit to a blood draw in lieu of the BAC.

(In Dayton, the number to call for the best DUI lawyer is: 937-224-0039, for Larry Denny. This referral is unsolicited. I don’t know Mr. Denny, except by reputation…)

MADD

 

= NEO-PROHIBITIONISTS

THE CEO OF THE MADD MOTHERS IS A MALE!

Mothers Against Drunk Driving was created in 1980 to reduce drunk driving and the death and injury that it can cause. Over time, temperance forces have gained control of MADD and it has largely become anti-alcohol rather than anti-drunk driving. Even MADD’s founding president, Candy Lightner, left the organization because of its neo-prohibitionist orientation.

Of all accidents, fatal, injury and property, drinkers are but 3.9 percent of the drivers involved.

Of all traffic fatalities attributed to drinking drivers - 2/3 OF THE DECEASED ARE THE DRINKING DRIVERS!

NO ONE IS DRUNK @.10 BAC! MADD has lobbied the gummint to cut it to .08 - and they're hammering away at .05.

(Actually - if, as in many places in Europe, drinking & driving are totally banned - I would go along with it, reluctantly. It's not that difficult for a party of 2 or 4 or more to designate a non-drinker for the evening. Even drunks need to widen their circle of acquaintances. And bars would have to expand upon the non-alcohol beverage and juice options available.)

BOTTOM LINE: The MADD Mothers (whose corporate boss is a male) will settle for NOTHING LESS THAN total prohibition of alcohol sales.

For more on MADD, visit Mothers Against Drunk Driving: A Crash Course in MADD.

The Soviet Bolsheviks (communists) were strict drys and quickly imposed national prohibition following the Russian Revolution.

FDR ran on a platform pledging to end Prohibition.

Hitler was a tee-totaler; Churchill was a drunk.

FDR was a cripple, not to mention a drunkard. And that didn’t stop him from whipping up on Tojo and Hitler, now did it?

The Puritans made and drank beer.

Prohibition Fails In Iran

QUOTE/UNQUOTE

Abstainer: a weak person who yields to the temptation of denying himself a pleasure. [Ambrose Bierce] 

The problem with some people is that when they aren't drunk, they're sober. [William Butler Yeats]

The problem with the world is that everyone is a few drinks behind. [Humphrey Bogart] 

<(Da Rev’s Addendum, CLUE to the CLUELESS: this argument has nothing to do with smoking bans in public places which are for the protection of ALL patrons and workers. There is NO safe level of second-hand smoke; smoking in the same public spaces as non-smokers is ALWAYS irresponsible! Smoking may kill OTHERS. Drinking responsibly is an individual's privilege and choice.)

I'm raisin’ a cup o’ kindness, friends…

Good fortune. COMMENT. Spread the meme. Don’t smoke in bed…

P.O.E.T.S. - 010607 || SECRET HANDSHAKES & WEIRD RITUALS?!... ADDING FERTILIZER TO CIGARETTE FILTERS... WOMEN WHO DON'T DRINK... WELL-KNOWN ON THE RADIO... SAINT ANGELINA... PELOSI WEARS THE PANTS... JOHN EDWARDS NEEDS A SHOVEL... BRITNEY TO 12-STEP IT?

P.O.E.T.S.!
PISS ON EVER’THIN’ -
T’DAY’S SATURDAY, January 6, 2007

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(THE STAND-UP BEGINS AFTER THE QUOTES!)

UNSUBSCRIBED
DEL REEVES (74) Grand Ole Opry star who sprinkled his performances with humor and hit No. 1 on the country charts in 1965 with the song “Girl on the Billboard’’. Franklin Delano Reeves had a string of hits ("The Belles of Southern Bell," "Women Do Funny Things to Me," "Looking at the World Through a Windshield," "Be Glad," and his signature tune, "Good Time Charlie's", "The Philadelphia Fillies"). He wrote many hit songs for himself and other artists. Reeves did impressions of stars such as Jimmy Stewart, Johnny Cash, Dean Martin and Walter Brennan. He left performing in1979 and became a music executive, playing a role in the signing of Billy Ray Cyrus. He died in Centerville, Tennessee on January 1, 2007.

TEDDY KOLLEK (95) legendary Jerusalem mayor who presided over the reunification of the city after the 1967 Mideast war and tried to balance the needs of its split Jewish and Arab populations. Kollek needed all his celebrated energy, will, and mastery of public relations in the nearly 30 years that he was mayor, walking a tightrope between Israeli and Palestinian national aspirations and between rival religious and ethnic groups within the two communities. He died in Jerusalem, Israel on January 2, 2007.

BIRTHDAY GREETINGS

Versatile, journeyman, talented, handsome actor-director RAY MILLAND made over 100 films from the 1930s to the 1980s. He was born Reginald Truscott-Jones in Neath, Wales. The pinnacle of his career came in 1946 when he won an Academy Award for Best Actor for his portrayal of an alcoholic in the film The Lost Weekend (1945). He played the tennis bum husband who plans the murder of his wife, played by Grace Kelly in the Hitchcock film, “Dial ‘M‘ for Murder, which also featured Robert Cummings. Ray Milland would be 104.

THELMA “BUTTERFLY” McQUEEN

would be 95. Her most identifiable role—as Prissy, the young maid in Gone with the Wind. She received a bachelor's degree in political science in 1975. A lifelong atheist, she donated her body to medical science and remembered the Freedom From Religion Foundation in her will.

The “King of Rock ‘n’ Roll”, singer-actor ELVIS PRESLEY would be 71.

(Diane keaton & Richard Gere in "Looking For Mr. Goodbar") Academy Award winning actress-director DIANE KEATON is 61.

Professor STEPHEN WILLIAN HAWKING, CH, CBE, FRS (65) is a British theoretical physicist.

Singer-Activist JOAN BAEZ is 65.

QUOTE / UNQUOTE

“There is a certain kind of person that will first stab you in the back, then ask your help finding your wallet.”
[F. Scott Fitzgerald]

The law, in its majestic equality, forbids the rich as well as the poor to sleep under bridges, to beg in the streets, and to steal bread.
[Anatole France]

Never Give Up

A happy old rummy named Ritter,
lured to AA by meddling bullshitter,
had the good sense to flee
before he got to step three,
‘cause who wants to be known as a quitter?
[Dirk Manley]p>

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WELL HOWDY, REV’LERS!

Welcome to our humble abode in Metro Fairborn, Ohio, bedroom community to Wright Patterson Air Force Base. Heisenberg may have slept here!

AFTER moving to a Fairborn a few years ago, I found that I really enjoyed the easy going ways of the local merchants. I was concerned, however, when I took my new suit to the cleaners. "Sorry, Sir," said the clerk, "my wife's not here now, but we could have it ready for you by seven."
"That's fine," I said, thinking of times I had waited for days for this service in Dayton or Kettering.
"Just knock on the back door when you get here," he added, walking away with the suit. "Fine," I said hesitantly. "But don't I need a ticket?"
"Nope," he said and started to leave again.
"But wait a minute," I persisted. "How will you know which suit is mine?"
He gave me a baffled look. "Well," he replied, "you're gonna TELL us, aren't you?"

I received an e-mail from someone who has only read THE STAND-UP in the blog, never having visited the actual event in our humble cottage in Metro Fairborn, Ohio:
I heard there is some sort of Rev’lers secret society with secret handshakes and weird rituals. Is this true?
Is it true? Not as far as you know.

I'll tell you the meaning of life, but first you have to promise not to laugh...

**> Never let a computer see you hurry. <**

http://www.bongonews.com/

That Philip Morris Company not only puts the BIG in Big Tobacco - the company is just SO politically correct these days. I’m sure you’re seen the ads and web sights counseling young people against smoking… Yeah, right! Now I hear Philip Morris Plans To Add Fertilizer To Cigarette Filters To Beautify Our National Highways!

Olfactory Conundrum; a Mondo
In a (Fairborn) dive,
The fetid air does offend.
What’s that awful fucking smell?

Ah, the smoking ban.
Cigarettes no longer mask
The vomit and b.o. stench
Thanks to Harpo Agnew http://www.moderndrunkardmagazine.com/md_poetry.htm

The last words I remember from last night are, “Hold my beer”… and “Watch THIS!”

Mike tells of the time he was involved with a blind date that didn’t get very far. She ordered a water, and Mike ordered a beer and a shot. He tried to coax her into a drink and she wouldn’t have anything to do with it. And if she wasn’t going to drink with him, Mike felt there was no reason to continue the date, so he made a joke about it “being difficult to dissolve a roofie in water” and she got up and left. Worked like a charm.

"I THINK THAT SPECIAL RESTART BUTTON IS A LITTLE FARTHER BACK, MISS SPEARS..."

Bartender Chuck says his recommended drink is Smirnoff & Diet Mountain Dew - for folks who are counting calories and seek a caffeine boost. It’s cheaper than Red Bull…

Chuck says he always asks Jim for his I.D. just to see how long it'll take him to find his pants.

I retired from a radio reading service for the blind, although I continue to present a couple of programs on the station as a volunteer (Snoops & Sleuths - Classic Detective Fiction; The Rationalist-Progressive View - Da Rev’s Politics & Culture Commentary). Unfortunately, I don't always recognize all the people who “know” me. One day last week when a man warmly greeted me, I responded with equal heartiness. When he told me how grateful his wife was for what I had done for her, I assumed she was one of the many visually-impaired people who listened to one or the other of the programs I present. I went into a good-natured explanation about how I was as green as could be when I started my job, had hardly any formal training and almost no idea of what I was doing. The man, whom I still could not place, was not buying any of my false modesty. As we parted he said, "You can't imagine how much better my wife is since you operated on her."

SANTA ANGELINA

In closing, I beg each of you, please don’t ENCOURAGE Jim Carrey… I MUST be OFF!

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THIS JUST ___ IN!!

STORIES WE’RE WORKING ON (with Broken News/)

U.S. Secretary of State Rejects U.K. Isle Holiday, Doesn't Want To Be Rice on Wight

Newly Formed Illegal Immigrant Political Party Adopts 57' Chevy As Party Logo

Pope Admits to Being Theo-Fascist

Jimmy Carter To Be Sent To GITMO As Enemy Non-Combatant

Harriet Miers Flees Washington On Hearing Rumors of A Witch Hunt

Paul Pelosi Happy for Wife

Washington (Laugh Fish) Paul Pelosi, the husband of new Speaker of the House Nancy Pelosi, beamed with pride when his wife took the gavel today. A teary-eyed Paul said, “I’m so proud of her. She has worked sooooo hard for this.” When reached for a comment, former Speaker Dennis Hastert said…Click.

(HAVE A COKE & A SMILE!) BARACK OBAMA CANDID ABOUT YOUTHFUL DRUG USE

Personally, I don't trust anyone under 55 who says they haven't tried drugs. And I really don't trust the ones who are telling the truth!

Hey, what about an Al Gore/Barack Obama ticket - their ticket could be known as the Al-Obama Slammer!
Jim protests, “He’s an Obamanation”.

Da Rev says, “We’ll give you Obama Nation in 2008!”

CONAN: The first Muslim member of Congress is planning to be sworn in on a copy of the Koran that was once owned by Thomas Jefferson. The Congressman says he found Thomas Jefferson's Koran on the shelf next to George Washington's torah.

Comedian Argus Hamilton
President Bush had a word with Betty Ford after the funeral Tuesday. He has lost Afghanistan, he's lost Iraq, he's lost Congress and tabloids say he's lost Laura. Betty Ford hears a version of this story every day in the admissions office.

Mein Fuehrer, opening in movie theaters on Friday, is a comedy about Adolf Hitler. There's nothing wrong with the idea. If you can't laugh about a murderous dictator then you run the risk of getting stuck in his country after you topple him.

Democrat John Edwards stood in the hurricane-ravaged ninth ward of New Orleans with a shovel in his hands Thursday and announced he's running for president. He promised an end to poverty and free health care for all. That explains the shovel.

(FORMER JAZZ-ROCK FIDDLE PLAYER JEAN LUC PONTY WAS DEMOTED FROM THE CABINET POSITION, DIRECTOR OF NATIONAL INTELLIGENCE SERVICES - TO CONDI RICE'S DEPUTY - Ponty has dropped the prefix "Negro" from his last name, saying he believes it has caused confusion...)

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HERE’S SOMETHIN’ REALLY, REALLY IMPORTANT!

p>

(COACH SABAN)

WHAT should New Alabama Coach Nick Saban Do With his $40 million Salary

Buy every home in the entire state of Alabama, then put the $39 million left over in the bank

Give some of the money back to the school so it can hire a professor who can read

Buy some better term papers for his players

Crowds in Washington
Thousands of people lined up outside the Capitol Building... but a large number were reported to be very upset when they find out it wasn’t James Brown in that casket.

The Daily Gut/span>

If she is ever to have her sanity restored, Britney has to admit there is a Power greater than her vagina. She also needs to realize she is powerless over her vagina, and admit to the other losers in the room and to herself that her life is unmanageable as long as her vagina is in control. Her vagina needs to make a list of all the persons it has harmed, and be willing to make amends for them all.
This will be a long list. But I think we can all agree that we hope nothing but the best for Britney's vagina!

George Lucas, Steven Spielberg & 64-year-old Harrison Ford are teaming up again to shoot yet ANOTHER installment of the popular “Indiana Jones” adventure film series.

Among the titles under consideration:

Indiana Jones and the Temple of Prunes

Indiana Jones and the Raiders of the Lost Memory

Indiana Jones and the Last Gasp

Indiana Jones and the Heimers of Al Z.

Indiana Jones and the Replacement of the Broken Hip

Indiana Jones and the Nursing Home of Despair

Indiana Jones and the HMO of Doom

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WARNING! PG-34p>

I pulled into a town the likes of which I couldn't believe still existed. Down the dusty main dirt road, I came upon a little old wooden store that actually said "General Store", and that was it. There was a little old man sitting in front of the store in a rocking chair. I said to him, "What do you folks do around here?"
He said, "We don't do nothin' but hunt n' fuck."
I said, "What do you hunt?"
He said, "Somethin' to fuck."

PRESENTING MISS SANDY BUTT Did I read that sign right? TOILET OUT OF ORDER. PLEASE USE FLOOR BELOW

When the air traffic controllers went on strike in 1980, who was called in to take their place?
Why, Tattoo and Bob Barker, of course. Tattoo would point to the sky and yell, "Da plane! Da plane!" - and Bob Barker would yell, "Come on down!"

ARTIST: ALEX CASTANEDA

A guy calls the hospital. He says, "You gotta send help! My wife's going into labor!"
The nurse says, "Calm down. Is this her first child?"
He says, "No! This is her first husband!"

A man and women are happily married, but the only problem is when ever they have a rut, he turns off the lights. The wife has no problem with it until now, being sick of her husbands habit, so she decides during sex to turn on the light. To her shock her husband has a dildo in his hand!
"You impotent bastard - so thats how you’ve been fuckin' me all these years? "Well hurry up & explain yourself you lame phony!"
"OK," replies the husband, "I will explain about the dildo if you can explain our three kids!"

Good fortune. COMMENT!! Please spread the meme. Don’t smoke in bed…