PISS ON EVER'THIN - T'DAY'S SATURDAY, January 27, 2007!
AUSTIN, Texas - Populist-Progressive Texas columnist Molly Ivins (62) has been hospitalized in her ongoing battle with breast cancer (3rd occurrence). Ivins may be able to go home Monday, her assistant said. "We're not sure what's going to happen, but she's very sick."
Eleanor McGovern (85) wife of former Sen. George McGovern (D-SD), the 1972 Democrat Presidential nominee. Eleanor McGovern campaigned for her husband across the country and appeared frequently on TV and radio programs discussing national and international issues. She had suffered heart problems for five years and underwent bypass surgery in 2006. She died in Mitchell, South Dakota on January 25, 2007.
Liz Renay (80) - a stripper and cult movie actress whose real life included roles as a gangster's moll, convict, author, artist and Hollywood Boulevard streaker, died Monday from cardiopulmonary arrest and gastric bleeding, the Clark County, Nev., coroner's office said. Renay first gained attention as a fashion model and Marilyn Monroe look-alike in the 1950s. She developed a cult following for her role as Muffy St. Jacques in director John Waters' 1977 movie "Desperate Living." She appeared in at least two dozen other movies ranging from "Date With Death" in 1959 and "The Thrill Killers" in 1964, to adult films like "Interlude of Lust" in 1981 and the feature flick "Mark of the Astro-Zombies" in 2002. As a stripper, she toured and performed with her daughter, Brenda, who died in 1982, on her 39th birthday.
She painted canvasses during a 27-month stint in federal prison in the early 1960s for perjuring herself during the federal tax evasion trial of her then-boyfriend, Hollywood mobster Mickey Cohen. Renay streaked down Hollywood Boulevard in 1974 but was acquitted at trial of indecent exposure and lewdness. Born Pearl Elizabeth Dobbins on April 14, 1926, in Chandler, Ariz., she was married seven times, divorced five times and widowed twice.
WATERGATE MASTERMIND CROAKS
Miami, FL (LaughFish.com) - E. Howard Hunt, the former CIA spy who led the Watergate break-in has died at the age of 88. His brother Mike said, “E. Howard had a tough childhood. He resented our parents for naming him E. Howard Hunt. I would tell him, at least you weren’t named Mike Hunt.”
Wonkette
Watergate criminal and lifelong sleazebag E. Howard Hunt is finally dead, the AP reports. He was 88.
Hunt masterminded the nightmare idiocy of the Bay of Pigs invasion and the brutal 1954 coup in Guatemala that replaced democratically-elected Jacobo Arbenz Guzmán with murderous thug Carlos Castillo Armas. Hunt wasn’t one of the Watergate burglars; it was a point of pride in the son of a bitch’s life that he was actually the “Watergate conspirator.”
A rich life, indeed. Of course, his other infamous conspiracy was the murder of American president John F. Kennedy. Hunt was supposedly one of the “three tramps” caught by the cops on the Grassy Knoll. His wife Dorothy was killed in a suspicious 1972 jetliner crash in Chicago. Mrs. Hunt was carrying nearly $11,000 in Watergate hush money. Illinois Congressman George W. Collins and CBS News correspondent Michele Clark were also killed in the bizarre crash.
Whatever; Hell’s a little more crowded...
HAPPY BIRTHDAY!
Influential Folk Blues Singer-Songwriter-12-string Guitar Player Huddie Ledbetter, AKA “Leadbelly” would be 121.
Venerable, versatile Oscar-Winning Actor Ernie Borgnine is 90.
Venerable TV and Print Journalist EDWIN NEWMAN is 88.
“Ol’ Blue Eyes” - Oscar-winning actor Paul Newman is 82.
Everyman Acting great Gene Hackman is 76.
Smoldering, sensual, soul-shakin’ Blues-Jazz Singer Etta James AKA “Peaches” is 69, and still carryin’ on! 
I was first afflicted with ETTA-philia when I was 14. As I would lie with my red cast steel Hopalong Cassidy AM radio under the covers, listening to John Arr on WLAC in Nashville, I would COVET Etta James...
One of Da Rev’s faves, roots-grounded, richly textured, gritty Singer-Songwriter-Poetess Lucinda Williams is 54.
"Perfection of means and confusion of goals seem - in my opinion - to characterize our age." [Albert Einstein]
“… What we have here is a decent man (George W. Bush) who takes the dignity and responsibility of the presidency seriously.” [Gina Cobb, Wing-Nut Blogger]
"Half of the harm that is done in this world is due to people who want to feel important. They don't mean to do harm but the harm does not interest them." [T.S. Eliot]
"History teaches that grave threats to liberty often come in times of urgency, when constitutional rights seem too extravagant to endure." [Justice Thurgood Marshall]
"When you understand why you dismiss all the other possible gods, you will understand why I dismiss yours." - [Stephen Roberts]
WELL HOWDY, REV'LERS!
Welcome to the STAND-UP at our home here in Metro Fairborn, Ohio. Look around, Folks! This is what a lifetime of clueless fiscal malfeasance will get you.
Allow me to introduce my selves. Somebody’s going to insult your intelligence today. It might as well be me.
Proceeds from today’s STAND-UP are going to the “Monty Python Organization for People Afflicted With Silly Walks“!
First - as you should know - I don’t care about sports, except as an indicator of popular culture - or, as in the case of Beach Volleyball - when participants are women in skimpy outfits. But how about them COLTS?! I watched at least half of it… (I DVR’d it and played it back on fast-forward.) Final Score: Indianapolis Colts 38, New England Patriots 34. Shouldn’t we be seriously questioning their PATRIOTism? Hehe…
What a game! Shame it wasn't the Super Bowl. Speaking of which, would anyone be surprised if the spread for the Super Bowl hits double digits? I'm guessing it'll be the Colts giving 7 1/2. All I know is I'm taking the team with the black head coach!
The Bears MAULED The N’awlins Saints (The Saints forgave them). Somehow this must be Bush’s fault…
Speaking of women in skimpy outfits playing sports: Serena Routs Sharapova to Win Australian - A toast to Serena Williams entered the Open unseeded, ranked #81, after a year of physical difficulties! 
Rick reports that a recent rectal exam revealed he has a normal size thyroid.
Diane has been undergoing all sorts of procedures due to her inability to get pregnant. Chuck - between you and me, I think we ought to be able to get this lady pregnant.
My friends who smoke keep retorting, "Nobody banned alcohol. Why do they pick on smokers?"
Well, we all know that alcohol doesn't impair the health of other folks in the room, right?
But wait, here's the even BETTER answer, nicotine-slaves: More *certified* ALCOHOLICS die of LUNG CANCER annually than all alcohol-related maladies. (No - that is NOT funny...)
Oh, shit. Are you really gonna light that thing? You have a right to smoke and I have a right to bear arms. Take it outside!
I don’t expect anything in the way of an afterlife - but if there WERE an afterlife, which DVDs would you take with you?
If it's never crossed your mind that you drink too much, then you probably should drink a little bit more. WORD!
Today’s brunch features scrambled eggs and calves’ brains. And Ol’ Red Ruffensore, the football coach has brought us some blood sausage. Red’s own recipe includes pigs blood (natch) barley, and spices. When it’s cooked it’s a nearly-black sausage. It’s a favorite, but for some reason it's very hard to find. Red Knows. Red knows?
In addition, we’re happy to have some dandy vegetarian fare, a delightful pudding made with bran, & turnip leaves chopped together with herbs.
We bought a new refrigerator. Now when Da Pagan Baby stands with a glass stuck against the door ice cubes or water come out. It’s a side-by-side and weighs 350 lbs. 475 when we got all our magnets arranged on the doors. Now it’s the Metropolitan Refrigerator of Art!
So, I put the old fridge in the front yard and hung a sign on it saying: "Free to good home. You want it, you take it."
For three days the fridge sat there without even one person looking twice at it. I decided that people didn’t trust this deal. It looked to good to be true. So I changed the sign to read: "Fridge for sale $50." The next day someone stole it.
My wife says I should quit wasting so much time blogging and surfing the web and go out and get a job - but the voices in my head say I should stay home and clean my guns.
I believe the original point and click interface was a Smith & Wesson.
Tibetan Mastiff
- with protective cover...
How cold IS it? Xenia Chrysler-Dodge-Jeep dealer Terry Tobey went on TV and PROMISED buyers that SUVs contribute to global warming.
(Giant Jeeebus * I-75/Monroe, Ohio)
Our furnace went out some time during the coldest night so far. I called our plumbing and heating contractor. I spoke with his wife, who said he had a lot of calls. I told her my wife was standing next to me in the kitchen shivering in 3 layers of clothing firin’ up the coffee maker. I said we really need someone to stop by as soon as possible to fix the furnace.”
"Now don't you worry, honey," she told me. "You tell ‘er to just jump back in bed and cover up. I'll send my husband over right away."
If you can read this, you're not the president.
I grew up in the midwest in Dayton in a neighborhood of bungalows. So few people lived in apartments, so the ones who did seemed peculiar to me. I guess that’s why the TV show "I Love Lucy" seemed to cause me so much discomfort. Where was their backyard? Why was there a hallway outside their front door? The show was in black and white - which made them seem, you know, poor.
Last week, while looking at a house across the street from us in our over-55 community a couple asked the real estate agent which direction was north because, the husband explained, he didn't want the sun waking him up every morning. The realtor, who may have been a blond at one time, asked, "Oh, does the sun rise in the north?"
When the prospect explained that the sun rises in the east, and has for sometime, she shook her head and said, "Oh, I don't keep up with that stuff."
"YOUR HUSBAND'S PROBLEMS ARE BEHAVIOR-RELATED - I RECOMMEND NEUTERING...)
I used to work in customer service for a 24/7 call center. One day I got a call from a guy who asked what hours the call center was open. I told him, "The number you dialed is open 24 hours a day, 7 days a week."
He responded, "Is that Eastern or Pacific time?"
“What’s your time zone.
"Uh, Pacific"
“You’re in luck, we’re available 24/7, Pacific Time.”
Whenever people talk about "alternative medicine," I get really pissed off, because all these guys - chiropractors, acupuncturists, therapeutic touch specialists (who don’t touch you) Deepak Chopra, and on and on, are nothing but con artists peddling garbage to sick people who really need professional help. But ya gotta admire their ability to separate the idiots from their money.
Priests who molest altar boys have the best communion wine - or so I‘ve been told.
Charles Manson lied. He said it was a family.
(COMING SOON TO A CREATIONIST THEME PARK TABLEAU IN ALABAMA...)
Last night Da Pagan Baby was in the mood for a “Bloomin’ Onion”, a breaded, deep-fried onion concoction at Outback big enough to feed the Gilligan’s Island crew for 3 years. I told the waitress at Outback that I wanted the ¾-pound filet. She returned after 5 minutes of so and inquired, “Would you be willing to take the 12-ounce filet? We no longer carry the ¾-pounder.”
“24” is back with new episodes. Regular fans are hooked on lead actor Kiefer Sutherland’s character Jack Bauer. In particular, they love what they call “Bauer-speak”. Here’s some Bauer-speak we’d like to hear this season:
"You're gonna tell me what I wanna know. Or don't - fine, be a bitch about it!"
"Dammit, there's no time. The View is on in 5 minutes!"
"I need you to trust me -- indirect lighting will work wonders for this space."
"The only reason you're conscious right now is because I simply adore those shoes."
"Chloe, I need you to cross-reference the security protocols and hack into the... omigod, what did you do to your hair? You look gorgeous!" 
COMPUTER CHALLENGE
Now here is a challenge!
For all of you who keep thinking you are computer experts... try this! Oh - you think you're so smart.
Let's see how computer literate you are . . .
WHAT IS:
qqqqqqqqqqqqqqqqq qqqqqqqqqdjggsdqklgds
fffffffffffffffffffff fffffffffkgmgqkfjd
mqielgqffffffffffffff fffffffffffffsqfmq
dsldmfqsfqssf dbvnlkl fvnozeeeeeeeee eeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee ?
(SEE THE ANSWER BELOW)
Remember, you’ve been drinkin’ - so if you’re drivin’ make sure you’ve got a car!
I would never drive when I was drunk… Well, I’d have to be REALLY, REALLY drunk to do that…
OH! Is this my STOP?? I MUST be OFF!
FAUX News Exclusive: Obama Calls for Universal Health Care
Washington (LaughFish.com) - A FAUX News Channel story by John Glibson reports that Sen. Barack Obama (D-IL) is urging Congress to pass a bill that would make universal health care available to all Muslims.
Bongo News
Bush Announces U.S. Will Switch Sides in Iraq: ‘America Loves a Winner!’
Click to see transcript:
First Lady Comforts Secretary Condoleezza Rice Following Vicious Anti-Woman Attack by Senator Barbara Boxer
Letterman: Bush has the lowest presidential approval rating since Nixon. Here's another coincidence. Nixon had a dog named 'Checkers.' Bush plays checkers with his dog.
Not to Be Out Done by Bill Clinton's Wife, Chuck Schumer’s Wife Enters Race
Washington (LaughFish.com) - Essie Schumer, wife of New York Senator Charles Schumer, has thrown her hat into the 2007 presidential race.
Humorist Jake Novak
Kerry Out
Senator John Kerry announced Wednesday that he will not join the campaign for president in 2008. That's good, because he didn't really campaign for president in 2004 either.
Internet Threat
Chinese Communist Party chief Hu Jintao has vowed to "purify" the Web. How surprised he'll be when he finds he can't run over the Internet with a tank.
Comedian Argus Hamilton
Venezuelan president Hugo Chavez taunted Condi Rice with sexually suggestive language Monday night in his televised state of the nation speech. The aircraft carrier group is on the way. It's a hanging offense to whistle at the sheriff's gal.
Alexandra Pelosi’s Friends of God is a documentary about evangelical Christianity which hits theaters this week. Evangelicals are stranded politically. Religious conservatives have no candidate to unite them in the next presidential election, if you don't count Hillary Clinton.
The Gallup Poll released Monday divided Hillary Clinton's support into three groups. Her core supporters are liberals who want progressive social policies, centrists who want an internationalist foreign policy, and comedians with mortgages.
Dick Cheney grinned widely during the State of the Union address when President Bush insisted on increased domestic oil drilling. The president and the vice president then took a drink of water at exactly the same time. They never like anyone to know which one's the ventriloquist.
California's Assembly prepared Monday to move the state's primary up to February. An early California primary has unique advantages. It gives each candidate the chance to spend all their money to finish third behind Gary Coleman and a porn star.
President Bush discussed energy efficiency in his State of the Union address. His record is good. Before he invaded Iraq they were using electricity twenty-four hours a day, and under his leadership they reduced it to six hours a day.
<SENATOR JOHN McLAME ZONES OUT DURING SOTU - (The senator would be 70 if he were to take office as the next POTUS)
Jesse Jackson said it's all but certain he will endorse Barack Obama for president. Let the bidding begin. Barack Obama has already offered Jesse ten million dollars and a cabinet post if he’ll endorse Hillary instead.
LOOK IN THE DICTIONARY UNDER “MEDIA WHORE”!
And you’ll find a picture of CNBC's Maria Bartiromo - who reportedly has the support of her network in response to questions, and raised eyebrows, about her professional relationship with a former Citigroup boss. The star financial anchor has reported extensively on Citigroup, and on Todd Thomson, formerly chief of Citigroup's wealth management unit. But last week, when Thomson was ousted, it was in part over issues of judgment, including his dealings with Bartiromo. Among other complaints, Thomson was faulted by Citigroup Chairman Charles Prince for the decision to spend $5 million to sponsor Sundance Channel programming that Bartiromo was expected to co-host. According to the Journal, Bartiromo no longer will host the project.
Since 2004, Bartiromo has aired 11 major pieces on Citigroup, including four interviews with Thomson, according to the Journal's review of CNBC transcripts. 
CONVERSATIONS WITH SIR CHARLES BARKLEY:
EJ: "Did they recognize you in South Dakota?"
Charles: "Yes, they did. It was easy because I was the only black person there. When they see me walking down the street they say 'There he goes again'. And when I come back the next year they say 'He's back y’awl!'"
More from Jake...
NBC Treasurer Arrested
The former treasurer of NBC has been charged with bilking the network out of $800,000, taking unauthorized trips on the corporate jet, and taking all the jokes away from Saturday Night Live.
More from Argus...
The Super Bowl will command two-and-a-half million dollars per thirty-second commercial, it was reported Monday. No political ads are permitted. The Super Bowl does not allow issue ads, unless of course the issue is whether cleavage sells beer.
Helen Mirren won a Golden Globe for playing England's sixteenth-century icon Queen Elizabeth I. She was a great war queen. Over four hundred years ago she defeated the Spanish to win what turned out to be temporary control of North America.
The London Sun reported Monday that Scientologists have begun regarding Tom Cruise as their savior. They say he was chosen to spread the word. Two thousand years from now, Scientologists will be wearing a miniature model of Oprah's couch around their necks.
Irish Actor Peter O'Toole gave an interview to USA Today last week in which he reminisced about his first movie role as Lawrence of Arabia. The movie ends with the creation of Lebanon and Syria and Saudi Arabia and Iraq. Dr. Strangelove had a happier ending.
>PALESTINIANS GOT A TOILET?!
http://www.bongonews.com/
“So, I just put my lips together and blow? God, this is an exact replica of my vagina!"
Three Little Pigs went out to dinner one night. The waiter came, and took their drink order. "I would like a Sprite," said the first little piggy.
"I would like a Coke," said the second little piggy.
"I want beer...lots and lots of beer," said the third little piggy.
The drinks were brought out, and the waiter took their orders for dinner.
"I want a nice big steak," said the first piggy.
"I would like the salad plate," said the second piggy.
"I want beer, lots and lots of beer," said the third little piggy.
The meals were brought out, and a while later, the waiter approached the table,
and asked if the piggies would like any dessert.
"I want a banana split," said the first piggy.
"I want a root beer float," said the second piggy.
"I want beer, lots and lots of beer," exclaimed the third little piggy.
"Pardon me for asking," said the waiter to the third little piggy; but why have you only ordered beer all evening?"
(do da scroll...)
You're gonna LOVE this....
The third piggy says...
"Well, SOMEBODY has to go 'Wee, wee, wee, wee, wee all the way home!"
At the end of the tax year, the IRS sent an auditor to audit the books of a synagogue. While he was checking the books he turned to the Rabbi and said: "I notice you buy a lot of candles. What do you do with the candle drippings?”
"Good question," noted the Rabbi. "We save them up and send them to the candle makers, and every now and then they send us a free box of candles."
"Oh," replied the auditor, somewhat disappointed that his unusual question had a practical answer. But on he went, in his obnoxious way: "What about all these biscuit purchases? What do you do with the crumbs?”
"Ah, yes," replied the Rabbi, realizing that the auditor was trying to trap him with an unanswerable question. "We collect them and send them back to the manufacturers, and every now and then they send a free box of holy biscuits."
"I see," replied the auditor, thinking hard about how he could fluster the know-it-all Rabbi. "Well, Rabbi," he went on, "What do you do with all the leftover foreskins from the circumcisions you perform?”
"Here, too, we do not waste", answered the Rabbi. "We save up all the foreskins and send them to the IRS, and about once a year they send us a complete prick."
A Scotsman was invited for a visit to the home of his Canadian friend.
Soon after the Scotsman arrived, he glanced out the window to see a huge beast just outside. He pointed, and asked his Canadian friend, "Och, lad, what's that?"
The Canadian replied, "Oh, that's a moose."
The Scotsman stared in disbelief, and replied, "That's a fuckin’ MOOSE?! Well, how big are yer fuckin’ CATS around here?”
A man walks out of a bar, stumbling back and forth with a key in his hand. A cop on the beat sees him and approaches.
"Can I help you, sir?"
"Yessh! SShomebody sshtole my car!" the man replies.
The cop asks, "Where was your car the last time you saw it?"
"It wasssh at the end of thissssh key!" the man replies, logically, if a bit too literally.
About this time the cop looks down to see that the man's cock is being exhibited for the entire world to see. He asks the man, "Sir, are you aware that you are exposing yourself?"
The man looks down woefully and - without missing a beat - moans "Ohhh NOOO...They got my girlfriend too!"
PUSSY OR BEER?
A beer is always wet.
A pussy needs encouragement.
Advantage: Beer
A beer tastes horrible served hot.
A pussy tastes better served hot.
Advantage: Pussy
Having an ice cold beer makes you satisfied. Having an ice
cold pussy makes you Hillary Clinton.
Advantage: Beer
If you get a hair in your teeth consuming pussy, you are not disgusted.
Advantage: Pussy
24 beers come in a box.
A pussy is a box you can come in.
Advantage: Pussy
Too much head makes you mad at the person giving you a beer.
Advantage: Pussy
If a beer is brewed with yeast, it is still edible.
Advantage: Beer
If you come home smelling like beer, your wife may get mad.
If you come home smelling like pussy, she will definitely get mad.
Advantage: Beer
Good fortune. COMMENT!! Please spread the meme. Don’t smoke in bed…
