PISS ON EVER'THIN' - T'DAY'S SATURDAY, January 13, 2007
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UNSUBSCRIBED
Philosopher, author, teacher, gonzo psychologist, humorist and lecturer, ROBERT ANTON WILSON, PhD (RAW) left his carcass @4:50 AM on binary date 01/11. Bob had been confined to his bed (overlooking beautiful Monterey Bay), requiring 24 hour care. Bob had no pain, had a hearty appetite, was in steady good, sharp humor and was surrounded by family and friends.
On January 6, he observed, "Various medical authorities swarm in and out of here predicting I have between two days and two months to live. I think they are guessing. I remain cheerful and unimpressed. I look forward without dogmatic optimism but without dread. I love you all and I deeply implore you to keep the lasagna flying. Please pardon my levity, I don't see how to take death seriously. It seems absurd."
RAW Works by Robert Anton Wilson
YVONNE DeCARLO (84) beautiful star who played Moses' wife in The Ten
Commandments but achieved her greatest popularity on TV's The Munsters. De
Carlo launched her career in '40s B-movie desert adventures and Westerns,
then rose to more important roles in the '50s. In 1971 she had a key role in a landmark Broadway musical, Stephen Sondheim's Follies, in which she sang the show-stopper "I'm Still Here.'' But for TV viewers, she would always be
known as Lily Munster in the 1964-66 slapstick horror-movie spoof The Munsters. She died in Woodland Hills, California on January 8, 2007.
(LaughFish.com)
When reached for a comment, Marilyn Manson said, "Dead, alive. Either way, I'd do her."
BIRTHDAY GREETINGS
Irascible curmudgeon, venerable journalist, atheist, "60 Minutes" commentator ANDY ROONEY is 87.
Pop Singing Idol-pianist-songwriter JOHNNIE RAY (The King of Sob) would be
80.
(Hawkins, mid-30s...)
Southern Rock pioneer, singer RONNIE HAWKINS IS 72.
(Hawkins, 2002)
Oscar-Winning Actress, cool, sexy FAYE DUNAWAY is 65.
Voluptuous Actress KIRSTIE ALLEY is 56.
Heavyweight Boxing Champion-Entrepreneur GEORGE FOREMAN (Da Rev's principal clothier) is 56.
Coochi-coochi!! Es muy caliente, no? Spanish-American singer-guitarist-dancer-comedian CHARO (María Rosario Pilar Martínez Molina
Baeza) is 55!
Delightful Comedic Actress JULIA LOUIS-DREYFUS is 46.
Smoldering R & B Singer MARY J. BLIGE is 36.
QUOTE/UNQUOTE
"I submit that an individual who breaks a law that conscience tells him is unjust, and who willingly accepts the penalty of imprisonment in order to arouse the conscience of the community over its injustice, is in reality expressing the highest respect for the law."
"Ten thousand fools proclaim themselves into obscurity, while one wise man forgets himself into immortality."
"It may be true that the law cannot make a man love me, but it can stop him from lynching me, and I think that's pretty important."
[Martin Luther King Jr.]
Shit, can you beat this? WYSO-FM is airing Dion's "Abraham, Martin and
John"... ...sniff...
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Welcome to the weekly gathering at our home in Metro Fairborn, Ohio. This week THE STAND-UP will include a tribute to Robert Anton Wilson.
We just received a lovely plaque made of some sort of composite materials
designating our modest cottage as having "MOST CURB APPEAL" on our side of the block.
I assume our designation is what inspired the Curly Ray the biker with the pitbulls who lives next door to wax the '68 pea green Ford Galaxie he keeps on concrete blocks in his front yard.
Boy, was he pissed last week! Curly Ray had been trying unsuccessfully to get some information on a UPS shipment he was expecting from J. C. Whitney. After two trips and a phone call to the local independent UPS agent here in Fairborn, Troy Foy, he wrote a harsh letter:
"Dear Asswipe: If I do not hear from you on this, I shall report you to your
fucking superior."
Back came a letter with the letterhead: "Troy Foy, United Parcel Service
Independent Agent / Foy's Laundromat / Foy's Clothing and Novelties / Troy
Foy - Mini Cooper Dealer."
Mr. Foy began his letter, "Dear Sir: I have no superiors and damn few equals."
Recently I found I needed some some odd-size parts to finish a plumbing repair in one of our bathrooms. Neighbors suggested I try a hardware store here in Fairborn that has been run by the same man, Jake Foy (Troy's Grandpa) for 50 years. He, literally, stocks EVERYTHING (he still had a battered cooler filled
with "NEW COKE"!
Old Jake studied the handful of old parts I had provided
and then shook his head. "OH, CRAP!", he barked.
"I thought you might have these," I said hopefully.
"Oh, I GOT 'em," he assured me, looking around the cluttered store. "But
dag-nab it, NOW I'll have to find 'em!"
I was a big fan of the '60s TV series "Leave It To Beaver". Ward Cleaver was the ideal father that NO one ever had. I was so sure that June was smoldering beneath her cool appearance. I expected to see her burst out of her perky Maidenform bra. I even imagined June was wearing a garter belt under those prim frocks with the upturned collars. Why else did she wear heels every minute of the day? Wally was cool, if a bit clueless.
BUT THERE WAS SOMETHING WRONG WITH "THE BEAVER"! I was sure there was something deeply troubled about young Theodore "Beaver" Cleaver. It turns out that he has finally summoned the courage to resolve his sexual identity issues...
MEET Theodora "Beaver" Cleaver!
One of my gurus has defied medical experts and left his body. Robert Anton Wilson was speaking of gurus when related this anecdote:
"Wavy Gravy (San Francisco Hippie Activist) once asked a Zen Roshi, 'What
happens after death?'
The Roshi replied, 'I don't know.'
Wavy protested, 'But you're a Zen Master!'
'Yes,' the Roshi admitted, "but I'm not a DEAD Zen Master.' "
Wilson once described himself as a libertarian who didn't "hate poor people..." and... he opined, "The only way the Republicans ever get the votes of anybody earning less than half a million a year? They go after the high school drop-out population..."
Bob started the "GUNS & DOPE PARTY...
In 1996, he observed, "The vigilantes in the old west had some colorful punishments. One of their imaginative ways of thoroughly discouraging evil-doers without brutal violence consisted of tying a dead skunk around their necks, handcuffing their hands behind them, and sending them on the road.
I begin to feel some compassion for Bob Dole. No matter how much he denies having any responsibility for -- or even knowledge of -- the Republican Platform, it remains around his neck like the dead skunk of old. His best, or most eloquent speeches, all sound like variations on 'What skunk?' but that doesn't fool anybody. We can all smell what he's got on him."
RAW was weird, in the sense that most of us would have been confounded by much of what he said and wrote, but I believe he was brilliant and I offer you this example. Those of us who have not made it through Joyce's "Ulysses" and those of you who have should appreciate the simple logic Bob derived from that daunting tome:
Schrödinger's Jew
"... Leopold Bloom, a fictitious man, wandered the streets of
Dublin, a real city; and Joyce scholars still argue about his odd odyssey. I
would like to add to the confusion with a note about Bloom's 'Jewishness.'
'Is' Leopold Bloom a Jew? Not according to Orthodox Rabbinical law, which defines a Jew as the child of a Jewish mother. Bloom as the child of a Protestant mother 'is not' a Jew.
According to Nazi law, however, a Jew 'is' a person with a known Jewish
ancestor. Bloom as the son of Rudolph Bloom [born Rudolph Virag], 'is' a
Jew.
See how easily a person can 'be' and 'not be' a Jew at the same time?
On the third hand, most humanists define a Jew as one who believes in and
practices the Judaic religion. By this definition, Bloom who neither believes in nor practices any religion 'is not' a Jew. But Marilyn Monroe, who practiced and probably tried to believe in Judaism while married to Arthur Miller, 'was' a Jew by that definition-- for those few years, if not before or after.
Extensionally or phenomenologically, a Jew 'is' somebody considered Jewish by all or most of the people he meets. By this standard the multi-ordinal Bloom 'is' a Jew again.
Once more: in terms of pure existentialism a Jew 'is' somebody who chooses to consider themselves Jewish. Bloom obviously doesn't consider himself Jewish but Irish, most of the time. Only when under verbal assault by the anti-semitic Citizen in Barney Kiernan's pub does Bloom define himself as Jewish ['And Jesus was a Jew too. Your god. He was a Jew like me.']
Here he obviously has in mind the 'known Jewish ancestor' rule, because he adds 'And so was his father,' to which the Citizen replies, as a correct Catholic, 'He had no father,' and Bloom, unfamiliar with that theology -- logic played with deuces, eights and one-eyed jacks wild -- can only pragmatically reply, 'Well, his uncle then.'
But recalling the incident later, Bloom says 'And he called me a Jew, which as a matter of fact I'm not.' Here he returns to his customary 'believer in Judaic religion' definition.
I suppose Joyce made Bloom such a tangled genetic and cultural mixture to expose the absurdities of anti-semitism; but I also suspect that he wanted to undermine that neurolinguistic habit which postmodernists call 'essentialism' and which Korzybski claimed invades our brains and causes hallucinations or delusions every time we use the word 'is.' "
(How many of you just went "AH-HAH!!" - of COURSE - Clinton was undermining that neurolinguistic habit of essentialism, insisting on precise language from the prosecutor as to the meaning of what "is" is!)
BIRD FLU STRIKES FLORIDA TRAILER PARK - OHH! THE AVIANITY!
MORE RAW: "The Playboy models look like they very much want to make love
with you. The Penthouse models look like that they'd rather make love to themselves. The gals in Hustler look like they're submitting to a gyncecological examination... Erotica for the very repressed guys who've never had a good look at female anatomy because their wives insist on making love with the lights out."
Rest lively, Bob!
I MUST be OFF!
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BARBARA BOXER HITS CONDI BELOW THE BELT (a cunt-punch, as it were...)
"Now, the issue is who pays the price. Who pays the price? I'm not going to
pay a personal price. My kids are too old and my grandchild is too young. YOU'RE not going to pay a particular price, as I understand it, with an
immediate family. So who pays the price? The American military and their
families." KUDOS, Babs!
From The Science Creative Quarterly » IT'S A LUCKY THING FOR EVOLUTIONARY BIOLOGY THAT THE FOLLOWING PASSAGES AREN'T IN THE BIBLE:
Jesus then entered the farm, and saw creatures of every shape and size, and so said to his followers, "Hey, my Dad made that creature, and that
creature, and also that creature. Actually, now that I think about it, he made them all."
Bush Warning
President Bush warns that if America pulled its troops from Iraq, Saudi Arabia would look elsewhere for protection... you mean they might start paying off a different group of terrorists besides al Qaeda?
New Rules
House Speaker Nancy Pelosi is banning a cherished privilege of some lawmakers, the right to smoke near the floor of the House. Oh great! Next thing you know, she'll won't let Congressmen screw their interns in the office.
New U.N. Ambassador
The White House made it official Monday: President Bush will nominate Zalmay
Khalilzad to be the U.S. envoy to the United Nations. The White House is
promising full support for Khalilzad, as long as he doesn't try to use a Koran when he takes the oath of office.
Miami Security Scare
The FBI says the Port of Miami is safe after a truck without the proper credentials caused a security scare. Officials are blaming a
"language barrier" for the problem... none of the U.S. customs agents could speak English.
Archbishop Ousted
Warsaw's new archbishop resigned amid a scandal about his cooperation with the communist-era secret police... and by "cooperated" we mean he dated some of the same boys.
Comedian Argus Hamilton
President Bush ordered more troops to Iraq Wednesday from the Map Room, where Bill Clinton admitted his affair with Monica Lewinsky to the nation. One thing is for sure. There will be no further early withdrawals announced from the Map Room.
The Wilmington Star said last week that atheists groups are starting to spring up, even in the South. It's all conjecture for some people. It may well be that life is a series of random events and there's no master plan, but enough about Iraq.
President Bush called Wednesday for more troops and a huge jobs programs for Iraq. He wants to spend billions to stop the murders, end the chaos, and secure the oil. Everyone in New Orleans is starting to wonder what Baghdad has that they don't.
Hillary Clinton was sworn into the Senate last week with her hand on a Bible
which was held by her husband Bill. You could see it was an old dog-eared family Bible. It still has the yellow highlighting on the passages that say oral sex is not adultery.
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HERE'S SOMETHIN' REALLY, REALLY IMPORTANT!!
Radio La Colifata in Argentina was reported to be getting great ratings with
its novel programming. The show airs live from a Buenos Aires mental hospital and stars medicated patients who provide daily news, entertainment and sports commentary. Success is easy in broadcasting when you use the Rash Limbo Method.
Sylvester Stallone visited Mexico last week to promote Rocky Balboa. He's
loved there. Scenes in old Rocky movies showing people speaking English in
an American meat packing plant get the biggest laughs ever heard inside a
Mexican movie theater.
Jake Novak's Humor Blog
Still-Approved Graduate Courses for Charedi
(Ultra-Orthodox Jewish) Women
10) Principles of Economics I: 8 kids on $3-a-day
9) Physics: Your Rabbi vs. the Immovable Object
8) Advanced Sheitl-Weaving
7) The Welfare State... and How to Collect From it
6) Panhandling 101
5) Architecture 404: How to Build a Home out of a Leftover Matzo
4) Psychology 303: The Insanity of Living with no Income
3) Cartography 202: Where to Find Your Local Soup Kitchen
2) Creative Writing: How to Fake a Mortgage Application
1) Political Science: Democratic Rights & Why You'll Never Have Any
Da Rev: Victoria Beckham, AKA "Posh Spice" is moving to LA. She's bringing her husband in short pants with her... 
Beckham Bolts
British soccer great David Beckham has signed a contract to play for the
L.A. Galaxy in the MLS. Beckham coming to play for an American pro soccer
team is like Robert DeNiro doing the 4th grade play at Bayonne Elementary
School.
iPhone Revealed
Steve Jobs has unveiled Apple's new iPhone, a mobile phone that plays
iTunes, surfs the Web, and finally offers people the option of never having
to actually deal with a human being in person again.
(Da rev's waiting for the introduction of the model that includes a nose and
ear hair trimmer...)
Football Champs
After the Florida Gators whipped Ohio State Monday night, college football
has a clear and undisputed National Champion. What isn't clear is how much a
championship ring will help all the Florida players who still can't read.
What Women Want
New research shows that women think men with square jaws and well-defined
brow ridges are good short-term partners, while men with more feminine traits are perceived as better long-term mates. Great... and I've been spending all this money on penis-enlarging products!
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NEW FOR THE LADIES!
Heather's Muscles & Chocolates Page
What's not to like?!
EXOTIC ACTRESS YVONNE DeCARLO
This story is DEDICATED TO ROBERT ANTON WILSON, enlightened libertarian:
Little Tony was sitting on a park bench munching on one candy bar after another. After the 6th candy bar, a man on the bench across from him said, "Son, you know eating all that candy isn't good for you. It will give you acne, rot your teeth, and make you fat."
Little Tony replied, "My grandfather lived to be 107 years old."
The man asked, "Did your grandfather eat 6 candy bars at a time?"
Little Tony answered, "No, he minded his own fucking business."
Last week whenever Da Pagan Baby was distracted I was checking out all the
female guests at the STAND-UP. I spotted an attractive woman across the
room. When I approached and asked her name, she coyly replied... "Carmen ."
Trying to maintain some sort of conversation with her, I responded with,
"That's a beautiful name, are you named after a family member?"
"No," she replied. "I gave it to myself, because it reflects the things I
like most in the world - cars and men."
Then she asked, "What's your name?"
"I'm your host, Rev. Beer-tits," I replied.
LOVELY ACTRESS JULIA LOUIS-DREYFUS
Mike was going to be married to Karen, so his father sat him down for a little chat. He said, "Mike, let me tell you something. On my wedding night in our honeymoon suite I took off my pants, handed them to your mother, and said, 'Here - try these on'.
She did and said, 'These are too big, I can't wear them."
I replied, "Exactly I wear the pants in this family and I always will."
Ever since that night we have had no problems.
"Hmmm," said Mike.
He thought that might be a good thing to try.
On his honeymoon, Mike took off his pants and said to Karen, "Here try these
on."
She tried them on and said, "These are too large. They don't fit me."
Mike said, "Exactly. I wear the pants in this family and I always will. I
don't want you to ever forget that."
Then Karen took off her pants and handed them to Mike. She said, "Here-you
try on mine."
He did and said, "I can't get into your pants."
Karen said, "Exactly. And if you don't change your smart ass attitude, you
never will."
And she lived happily ever after.
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HOW MANY DOGS DOES IT TAKE TO CHANGE A LIGHT BULB?
Border Collie: "Just one. And then I'll replace any wiring that's not up to
code."
Afghan: "Light bulb? What light bulb?"
Golden Retriever: "The sun is shining, the day is young, we've got our whole lives ahead of us, and you're inside worrying about a stupid
burned-out light bulb?"
Golden Retriever #2: "I'll be glad to change the light bulb for you, but first can't we play catch with the tennis ball, or frisbee - and then I want to lick your face and rest my head in your lap and look up at you with my sad eyes. What, you're changing the light bulb yourself - you didn't have to do that - but I looooove you so much for being my friend and doing that."
Rottweiler: "Just one. You want to make something of it?"
Lab: "Oh, me, me! Pleeeeeeeze let me change the light bulb! Can I? Can I?
Can I? Huh? Can I?"
Jack Russell Terrier: "I'll just pop it in while I am bouncing off the walls
and furniture."
Cocker Spaniel: "Why change it? I can still pee on the carpet in the dark."
Pointer: "I see it, there it is, there it is, right there . . . ."
Greyhound: "It isn't moving so who cares?"
Australian Shepard: "First I'll put all the light bulbs in a little circle..."
Boxer: "If I could stop wiggling my butt long enough to quit falling off the chair..."
Wolf-dog hybrid: "Let me see that light bulb, anyway. What's it made of, what's inside of it, what will happen if I drop it. I might change it, but let me think about it. You're not trying to tell me what to do, are you? Hey, I just had a great idea. I think I'll change that light bulb!"
Pit bull: "Just one, but then I'll hang on to it, dangling from it until the
ceiling falls in."
Pug: "I'll change it when I wake up. Be about 20 hours. Anybody got a
treat?"
A VISION: JULIA LOUIS DREYFUS... mmmmm... tootsies!
Good fortune. COMMENT!! Please spread the meme. Don't smoke in bed...
