PISS ON EVER'THIN'-
T'DAY'S SATURDAY, February 3, 2007

Molly Ivins (62) best-selling author, syndicated columnist, and sharp-witted liberal who skewered the political establishment and referred to President George W. Bush as “Shrub.’’ More than 400 newspapers subscribed to her nationally syndicated column, which combined strong liberal views and populist-toned humor. Ivins died after her third bout with breast cancer in Austin, Texas on January 31, 2007. Molly - Atheist Pin-Up
Rev. Robert F. Drinan (86) first Roman Catholic priest elected as a voting member of Congress. An internationally known human-rights advocate, Drinan was elected on an antiwar platform and represented Massachusetts in the US House for 10 years during the turbulent ’70s. He had suffered from pneumonia and congestive heart failure for 10 days and died in Washington, DC on January 28, 2007. (He quit congress following an ultimatum from the Pope.)
Barbaro the Horse (4) Kentucky Derby-winning colt who dispatched 19 opponents in the 2006 Derby in dominating fashion, by 6-1/2 lengths. Trained to be the first Triple Crown winner in 28 years, Barbaro tragically broke a leg in the 2006 Preakness, second race in the series. After eight months of heroic efforts to save him, the horse developed a debilitating infection and other complications and was euthanized in Kennett Square, Pennsylvania on January 29, 2007.
(For those of you at OTB who had January 29th as his date of death, the event pays $12.90, $9.70, and $7.50 respectively.)
Novelist and philosopher (Objectivist) Ayn Rand, Atheist Pin-Up born Alissa Rosenbaum in St. Petersburg, Russia (1905).
"If I were to speak your kind of language, I would say that man's only moral commandment is: Thou shalt think. But a 'moral commandment' is a contradiction in terms. The moral is the chosen, not the forced; the understood, not the obeyed. The moral is the rational, and reason accepts no commandments."
"The Founding Fathers were neither passive, death-worshiping mystics nor mindless, power-seeking looters; as a political group, they were a phenomenon unprecedented in history: they were thinkers who were also men of action. They had rejected the soul-body dichotomy, with its two corollaries: the impotence of man's mind and the damnation of this earth; they had rejected the doctrine of suffering as man's metaphysical fate, they proclaimed man's right to the pursuit of happiness and were determined to establish on earth the conditions required for man's proper existence, by the "unaided" power of their intellect."
Harlem Renaissance Poet, Atheist Pin-Up Langston Hughes would be 105. Born in Joplin, Missouri, James Langston Hughes was a member of an abolitionist family. He grew up in Cleveland, Ohio. That Hughes was a Freethinker is perhaps suggested by his short story, "Salvation," which tells of a childhood memory in which Hughes stops believing in Jesus.
Click to READ - OR to LISTEN to the poet read, “I, Too Sing America…”
Sultry actress-producer-director Ida Lupino would be 89.
Oscar-winning Brit actor Stuart Whitman (“The Mark”) is 79.
Beautiful, evocative actress Jean Simmons is 78.
Award-Winning Bluegrass singer-guitarist Del McCoury is 68.
Super Model Christie Brinkley is 53.
Enigmatic actress Minnie Driver is 37.
Boxing Champion Oscar de la Hoya, 5’11”, 147-lb., 72-in. reach, is 34.
“We will have to repent in this generation not merely for the hateful words and actions of the bad people but for the appalling silence of the good people.” [Martin Luther King, Jr.]
“Racism is when you have laws set up, systematically put in the way to keep people from advancing, to stop the advancement of a people. Black people have never had the power to enforce racism, and so this is something that white America is going to have to work out themselves. If they decide they want to stop it, curtail it, or to do the right thing . . . then it will be done, but not until then.” [Spike Lee]
"Whining is not only graceless, but can be dangerous. It can alert a brute that a victim is in the neighborhood." [Maya Angelou]
“I believe in the brotherhood of man, all men, but I don’t believe in brotherhood with anybody who doesn’t want brotherhood with me. I believe in treating people right, but I’m not going to waste my time trying to treat somebody right who doesn’t know how to return the treatment.”
[Malcolm X]Welcome to our party house in Metro Fairborn, Ohio.
Da Pagan Baby and I urge you to VOLUNTEER! COMMUNITY SERVICE… It's not just for hardened criminals on parole, anymore!
All the proceeds from this weekend’s STAND-UP will be going to the “Feverish Scalp Foundation“.
Little Jimmy and the Pastels are on tap to entertain us at this week’s STAND-UP! with their timeless rendition of Rama Lama Ding Dong!
“Yikes! I'm the Contralto!”
You can’t teach an old dog new tricks. Only a seductive French poodle can teach an
old dog new tricks…
Over at the buffet we have something called huevos nuevos - which I think means the eggs were fresh. I eat eggs a lot of different ways, but when you think about it - conceptually, eggs are a disgusting foodstuff - and not unrelated to the abortion issue…
We’re serving Hot & Sour Soup from a local Korean restaurant. No matter where you order Hot & Sour Soup, the proprietor can never tell you what’s in it. It’s GOOD though…
What does it mean - “binge drinking“? What’s the point of having only 2 or 3?
Please, if you’re UNDER age 18, tell my grandsons THEY are the only people who find their cell phone ring tones funny or ironic. Obviously, Grandpa can’t carry that off. And their Dad? He has goofy ring tones too!
Last Saturday night (actually, Sunday morning) I was in bed with Da Pagan Baby when there was a light rapping on the door. I rolled over and looked at the clock, and it was half past three in the morning. "I'm not getting out of bed at this time," I thought, and rolled over. Then, a louder knock followed.
"Aren't you going to answer that?" says my wife.
So I dragged my ass out of bed and went to the door. I opened the door and there was man standing at the door. It didn't take me long to realize the man was drunk.
"Hi thlere," slurs the stranger. "Can you give me a pushch??"
"Nah, get lost. It's half past three. I was in bed," I replied and slammed the door.
I went back to bed and told Da Pagan Baby what happened and she said, "Honey, that wasn't very nice of you. Remember that night we broke down in the pouring rain on the way to pick the kids up from the baby sitter and you had to knock on that man's house to get us started again? What would have happened if HE'd told us to get lost??"
"But the guy was drunk!" I whined.
"It doesn't matter," said my wife. "He needs our help and it would be the right thing to help him."
So I got out of bed again, got dressed and ambled over to the door.
I opened the door, and not being able to see the stranger anywhere I shouted, "Hey, do you still want a push??"
I heard a voice cry out, "Yesshh, please."
So, still being unable to see the stranger I said, "Where the fuck are you?"
And the stranger replied, "I'm over here, on your porch swing."
I read that George Clooney denies rumors that he’s dating Pamela Anderson. Which can only mean one thing: George didn’t get the memo from his publicist.
People who keep talking about Karma as though it was a real thing would be dead if it really was.
MTV killed the radio star… So - did the Internet kill adult book and video stores? Couldn’t help…
Every time a heinous act of terrorism occurs in the West, certain people will immediately worry about a backlash against Muslims. Take a note - the backlash never occurs, except in movie and TV thrillers.
Yes, it IS true that OUR fundamentalists are not as crazy-angry-violent as THEIR fundamentalists. At least not yet.
There are TOO MANY holy cities.
Jim said those stupid morning show DJ's who make phony phone calls are SO lame. Yeah Jim got a call. Jim - how dumb are the people who sign release forms to let the stupid morning DJ play those prank calls?!
We’re all used to the scene in movies when the protagonist wakes up next to someone they just slept with for the first time - and reacts with horrific surprise at the terrible choice he or she made. In real life - have you ever thought that you might have ever been that OTHER person. Well… chances are, we all have been.
Al franken's a serious senatorial candidate. Seriously...
Clyde decided he wants to join the Cedarville Evangelical College Campus Police. He sent in his application to the Pastor-President and was invited for an interview. When he got to the office the Reverend told him he just had to answer a couple of general knowledge questions.
The first question was, "Who is the President of the United States?"
Well Clyde was totally stumped. He was thinking and thinking but nothing came to him. But then, in a flash of inspiration he says, "Is it DUBYA?"
"Excellent, excellent,” replied the president. “You are doing fine. Here is the second question: What is the capital of the United States?"
Again the man can't think of anything. After a while as he is just about to give up, he suddenly blurts out, "Is it WARshinton?"
The president says, "Brilliant! Brilliant! You're doing tremendously well! Well above average for the caliber of applicants we get here at our strict Bible college."
"The third question is: Who killed Jesus Christ?"
This time Clyde had absolutely no idea, so the Reverend told him to go on home and think about it and then get back the next day with the answer.
When Clyde got home his wife asked, "How did it go, Hawnee? Did you get the job? Clyde grins from ear-to-ear and says, "Well I've got to go back and see the guy again tomorrow ... but I reckon I'm a shoo-in for the campus cops."
So his wife says, "Why do you think that?"
Clyde replies, "Well, they've already got me working on a murder case."
Sherry, I couldn’t help but notice you’ve placed plastic dolls of cartoon characters around your office computer monitor. You might consider growing the fuck up.
Alan Jackson, the great country music superstar usually plays The Nuthouse At Wright State U. here in Metro Fairborn. My buddy Tim made his way to his seat right at centre. He sat and noticed that the seat next to him was empty. He leaned over and asked his neighbor if someone would be sitting there.
"No," was the reply. "The seat is empty."
"This is incredible", said Tim. "Who in their right mind would have a seat like this for an Alan Jackson concert and not use it?"
The neighbor said, "Well, actually, the seat belongs to me. I was supposed to come with my wife, but she passed away. This is the first Alan Jackson concert we haven't been together since we got married in 1990."
"Oh....I'm sorry to hear that. That's terrible. But couldn't you find someone else, a friend or relative to take the seat?"
The man shook his head sadly, and replied, "No. They're all at the funeral."
I’ve been reading Key Verses in the Revised & Updated Book of Exodus: "…And Moses was taken from his basket in the Nile, and adopted by Angelina Jolie."
Or how about THIS? "The children of Israel cried out to God in their enslavement, and God remembered his covenant with Abraham, and the union labor contract he signed in 2387 BCE."
Your VIDEO of the Week: “RED HOT RIDING HOOD”!
The ORIGINAL CLASSIC TEX AVERY Cartoon that still makes you laugh. And hopefully Riding Hood is over 18 because she is definitely "RED HOT"! HILLARIOUS!
I think this is where I get OFF!
Wonkette
At the DNC retreat, the entrance music each ‘08 candidate used when addressing the assembled Dems:
Chris Dodd: The Temptations — “Get Ready”
Barack Obama: No music.
Wesley Clark: Johnny Cash — “Won’t Back Down” (by Tom Petty)
John Edwards: Inaudible
Dennis Kucinich: “America the Beautiful”
Hillary Clinton: Bachman Turner Overdrive — “You Ain’t Seen Nothing Yet”
Jesus, we’re almost supporting Barry Hussein Osama based on his good taste.
Wonkette
Scientists and economists have been offered $10,000 each by a lobby group (American Enterprise Institute) funded by one of the world's largest oil companies (EXXON) to undermine a major climate change report from the UN's Intergovernmental Panel on Climate Change (IPCC).
Dear American Enterprise Institute:
Global warming is totally made-up and not real. We are burning a barrel of oil right now and it’s still fucking freezing out! Have you been outside today? Please contact us at the email address to your left for details on how to make the payment…
Jake Novak's Humor Blog
College Attack
About 10 football players at a Quaker college in North Carolina are accused of badly beating three Palestinian students last weekend. The cops are baffled, and even the world's Arab groups can't figure out how to blame this one on the Jews.
Comedian Argus Hamilton
Homeland Security officials shut down Boston Wednesday when they mistook blinking boxes advertising Aqua Teen Hunger Force on Cartoon Network for a terror attack. Missed it by one time slot. It's "Family Guy" that's out to bring down the Bush administration.
Senator Joe Biden caused an uproar Wednesday when he praised Barack Obama for being bright and articulate and clean. It's a pretty careless statement from the Chairman of the Senate Foreign Relations Committee. We could lose colonies over this.
New York Times reporter Judith Miller testified Tuesday in the Scooter Libby trial. Judy went to jail rather than tell prosecutors Scooter was her source. It is the most romantic thing that's happened in Washington since the Clinton years.
Dick Cheney gave an interview to Newsweek and said he never thinks at all about how the public or media view him. He isn't kidding. Just to show how little he cares about public opinion he did the rest of the interview in German.
Rudy Giuliani was in New Hampshire sounding a lot like a presidential candidate. He listed just a few of his accomplishments as mayor of New York - but he hasn't mentioned getting rid of the hookers ever since Nevada moved its primary up to early February.
DA REV: Prince Charles was asleep at his residence in England on Tuesday when police arrested an intruder in the castle carrying a pitchfork. When awakened, Chaz vouched for the fellow. It seems he stops by twice a day to feed Camilla!
Wonkette
Secretary of State Condoleezza Rice, hanging out with the foreign secretary of Russia, was asked who she liked in Sunday’s Super Bowl.
“I really like both Chicago and Indianapolis, but I think Indianapolis is going to win it,” she said. Then, as if it were an afterthought, she added: “And that would be a good thing.”
The Bears are now expected to handily beat the Colts, then find themselves trapped in a deadly occupation of an increasingly violent Indianapolis for the next four years…
More Argus:
The Indianapolis Colts are listed as favorites to beat the Chicago Bears in the Super Bowl on Sunday. There's a lot at stake. If one of the Colts breaks his leg during the game, Tank Johnson will go out on the field and shoot him.
The Justice Department will announce Monday which city gets a two-hundred-million-dollar grant to fight crime. City mayors have been competing to show who has the worst criminals. It will be decided this Sunday between Indianapolis and Chicago.
Super Bowl play-by-play wing-nut announcer Jim Nantz revealed Monday that former President Bush is a surrogate father to him. It's always awkward at the Thanksgiving table. The moment he starts talking in complete sentences, the Bush family makes fun of him.
The Academy Awards show was designated a national security event Tuesday. It's feared terrorists may attack somewhere in California that night. The FBI has installed three cameras in Pamela Anderson's cleavage in an effort to protect Silicone Valley.
The New York Yankees signed a deal with China to expand baseball into the world's largest nation. The people of China meet the first test of what it takes to be great baseball fans. They are not fussy at all about what goes into a hot dog.
Boston Red Sox pitcher Curt Schilling said Tuesday he won't run against John Kerry for U.S. Senate. It was a humanitarian gesture. John Kerry might jump off a bridge if he lost two straight elections to knuckleheads from the world of baseball.
CONGRESSWOMAN LORETTA SANCHEZ (D-CA) QUIT THE HISPANIC CAUCUS THIS WEEK WHEN CHAIR JOE BACA (also a Dem) CALLED HER A "WHORE"! Da Rev think this calls for a little attitude adjustment for Congressman Baca - like an application of a fist full o' rolled quarters to his schnozz...
DR. LAURA SCHLESSINGER - MEDIA WHORE
FOR THE LADIES: Heather's Muscles & Chocolates
There's this little guy sitting inside a bar, just looking at his drink. He stays like that for half-an-hour. Then, this big trouble-making truck driver steps next to him, takes the drink from the guy, and just drinks it all down.
The poor man starts crying. The truck driver says: "Come on man, I was just joking. Here, I'll buy you another drink. I just can't see a man crying." "No, it's not that. Today day is the worst of my life. First, I overslept and was late to an important meeting. My boss, outrageous, fired me. When I left the building to my car, I found out it was stolen. The police, they said they could do nothing. I got a cab to return home, and after I paid the cab driver and the cab had gone, I found that I left my whole wallet in the cab. I got home only to find my wife was in bed with the gardener. I left home and came to this bar. And when I was thinking about putting an end to my life, you show up and drink my poison ..."

One of Paris Hilton's labia could feed the Darfur refugees for a week.
Sensual Liberation Army: The revolution will be sensualized by Pagan Moss
The Old Man and the Sea
A seaman meets a pirate in a bar, and they take turns to tell their adventures on the seas. The seaman notes that the pirate has a peg leg, hook, and an eye patch. Curious, the seaman asks "So, how did you end up with the peg-leg?"
The pirate replies "I was swept overboard into a school of sharks. Just as my men were pulling me out, a shark bit my leg off".
"Wow!" said the seaman. "What about the hook"?
"Well...", replied the pirate, "We were boarding an enemy ship and were battling the other sailors with swords. One of the enemy cut my hand clean off."
"Incredible!" remarked the seaman. "How did you get the eye patch"?
"A seagull dropping fell into my eye", replied the pirate.
"You lost your eye to a seagull dropping?" the sailor asked.
"Well..." said the pirate, "That was my first day with the hook."
A rabbit one day managed to break free from the Philip Morris testing laboratory where he had been born and brought up. As he scurried away from the fenced compound, he felt grass under his little feet and saw the dawn breaking for the first time in his life. 'Wow, this is great,' he thought.
It wasn't long before he came to a hedge and, after squeezing under it he saw a wonderful sight lots of other bunny rabbits, all free and nibbling at the lush grass.
"Hey," he called. "I'm a rabbit from the laboratory and I've just escaped. Are you wild rabbits?"
"Yes. Come and join us," they cried.
Our friend hopped over to them and started eating the grass. It tasted so good. "What else do you wild rabbits do?" he asked.
"Well," one of them said. "You see that field there? It's got carrots growing in it. We dig them up and eat them."
This, he couldn't resist and he spent the next hour eating the most succulent carrots. They were wonderful.
Later, he asked them again, "What else do you do?"
"You see that field there? It's got lettuce growing in it. We eat that as well."
The lettuce tasted just as good and he returned a while later completely full. "Is there anything else you guys do?" he asked.
One of the other rabbits came a bit closer to him and spoke softly. "There's one other thing you must try. You see those rabbits there," he said, pointing to the far corner of the field, "they're girls. We shag them. Go and try it."
Well, our friend spent the rest of the morning shagging his little heart out until, completely spent, he staggered back over to the guys.
"That was fantastic," he panted.
"So are you going to live with us then?" one of them asked.
"I'm sorry, I had a great time but I can't."
The wild rabbits all stared at him, a bit surprised. "Why? We thought you liked it here."
"I do," our friend replied. "But I must get back to the laboratory. I'm dying for a cigarette!"
Two guys from Prince George would go moose hunting every year without success. Year after year, they hunted and hunted, but always came home without a moose. Finally they came up with a foolproof plan.
They rented a very authentic cow moose costume and learned the mating call of a cow moose. The plan was to hide inside the costume, lure in a bull moose, then come out of the costume, surprising the moose before shooting it.
So, they set themselves up on the edge of a clearing, (in their costume), and gave the moose love call. Before long their call was answered by a large bull moose roaming around the edge of the forest. They called again, and the moose answered closer to them. They called again, and the moose answered, then came crashing out of the forest and into the clearing. As the moose's pounding hoof beats got closer the guy in front said, "OK, let's get out and get him".
After a moment the guy in the back shouts: "THE ZIPPER IS STUCK, WHAT ARE WE GOING TO DO!?"
The guy in the front says, "Well, I'm going to start nibbling grass, but you better brace yourself!"

MORE => BEER VS. PUSSY
If a cop smells beer on your breath, you are going to get a breathalyzer. If a cop smells pussy on your breath, you are going to get a high five.
-- Advantage: Pussy
The best pussy you have ever had is not gone once you have enjoyed it.
-- Advantage: Pussy
The worst pussy you have ever had is not gone once you have enjoyed it.
-- Advantage: Beer

If you suddenly drop a beer, it may break. If you suddenly drop a pussy, it may hunt you down like the dog you are.
-- Advantage: Beer
ROBIN QUIVERS - HOWARD STERN'S LONG TIME CO-HOST
Good fortune. COMMENT! Please spread the meme. Don’t smoke in bed...