PISS ON EVER'THIN' -
T'DAY'S SATURDAY, February 10, 2007
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Anna Nicole Smith (39) former Playboy model whose bizarre life careened from marrying an octogenarian billionare to the untimely death of her son, Daniel Smith, in September 2006. Anna Nicole had been a tabloid staple even before she became Playboy's playmate of the year in 1993. In 1994, she married 89-year-old oil tycoon, J. Howard Marshall II, that is part of a family fortune worth at least $400 million. After Marshall's death in 1995, she was setting off a feud with her former stepson, E. Pierce Marshall, over whether had a right to his estate. Prior to her death, the paternity of her 5-month-old daughter remained a matter of dispute. She collapsed and died unexpectedly in Hollywood, Florida on February 8, 2007.
When she was good, she was funny and so beautiful. When she was bad, she was a train wreck about to happen. Either way, I couldn't look away from Anna Nicole.
I was always pulling for Vickie Lynn Hogan, hoping against hope that she would be able to get it/keep it together. As it turned out, she rose above an abusive, trailer-trash childhood (absent father-vindictive mother), to become famous for being famous. Paris & Nicky had it handed to them. Vicky came from Nowhere, Texas to the cover of PLAYBOY in 1993, reinvented as Anna Nicole Smith. She scratched her way to one of the top rungs of wealth and fame and reinvented herself several times over along the way, though never getting it quite right or keeping it together for long.Her last interview showed a wasted woman slurring her words. She looked VERY tired..."Live fast, love hard, and leave a good-lookin' corpse...""Thanks for the mammaries..."
Music historian Johnny Whiteside wrote:
In the Hollywood clubs, a new breed of black-influenced white performers laid down a baffling hip array of new sounds ... Most important of all these, though, was Frankie Laine, a big white lad with 'steel tonsils' who belted out torch blues while stomping his size twelve foot... Laine's intense vocal style owed nothing to Crosby, Sinatra or Dick Haymes. Instead he drew from Billy Eckstine, Joe Turner, Jimmy Rushing, and with it Laine had sown the seeds from which an entire new perception and audience would grow.
Vocalist Patti Page said, "I think that Frank probably was one of the forerunners of .... blues, of .... rock 'n' roll.![]()
Barbara McNair (72) beautiful pioneering black singer-actress who hosted her own TV variety show and starred with Sidney Poitier in the early ’70s. Gaining fame in the ’60s as a nightclub singer, McNair graduated to film and TV as opportunities opened up for black women late in the decade. She died of throat cancer in Los Angeles, California on February 4, 2007.
Two great men were born February 12, 1809:
Abraham Lincoln, Emancipator of American Slaves
and
Charles Robert Darwin, Emancipator of the Human Mind
Their Positive Legacies Still Endure
Hard-Driving, Belting Ol' Time Folk-Country Singer Wilma Lee Cooper is 86.
Actor, cultural icon James Dean would be 76.
Soul Singer Barbara Lewis is 64.
Da Pagan Baby is only 63.
Laconic, sloe-eyed actor James Spader is 47.
Physicist, science writer Brian Greene is 44. He's one of the leading theorists in an area of physics known as "string theory," and author of a best-selling book The Elegant Universe (1999).
Soulful Country-Rock Singer-Musician Travis Tritt is 44.
Folk-Rock-Country Singer Sheryl Crow is 43.
Actor-Comic Chris Rock shown with his wife Malaak is 42.
__)=> "WILL YOU BE MY VALENTINE?"
...please?
"I'm a 67-year-old, fat, white-haired, liver-spotted woman."
[Grace Slick, lead singer of the Jefferson Airplane in the 1960s]
"You are what you think about all day long." [Robert H. Schuller, the OTHER Doctor of Motivation]
"I am not a Know-Nothing. That is certain. How could I be? How can any one who abhors the oppression of negroes, be in favor of degrading classes of white people? Our progress in degeneracy appears to me to be pretty rapid. As a nation, we began by declaring that 'all men are created equal.' We now practically read it 'all men are created equal, except negroes.' When the Know-Nothings get control, it will read 'all men are created equal, except negroes, and foreigners, and catholics.' When it comes to this I should prefer emigrating to some country where they make no pretence of loving liberty - to Russia, for instance, where despotism can be taken pure, and without the base alloy of hypocrisy." [Abraham Lincoln in a Letter to Joshua Speed, August 24, 1855]
"Ignorance more frequently begets confidence than does knowledge: it is those who know little, and not those who know much, who so positively assert that this or that problem will never be solved by science..." [Charles Darwin]
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Welcome to our "comfortable" digs here in Metro Fairborn, Ohio - where we still BELIEVE in Global Warming - despite 3-ft. of evidence to the contrary blocking the entrance to our driveway...
All proceeds from this weekend's STAND-UP are going to the "Cramping Pimples Society".
Terrorists have taken over my stomach. They're demanding beer.
Y' know I've been doing some research - and I sincerely believe alcohol to be the elusive 5th food group.
I see Corky's here. Poor Corky. People, please, DON'T ask him, "How's life in the fast lane?"
He dunno. He can't get on the on-ramp.
I asked Corky, "Do you go all out for Valentine's Day?"
He replied, "Not really. In the past when I wanted to send something to a special someone, I'd gift-wrap a chicken heart and give it to her."
"Hmmm... I can see why you're not gettin' laid, Corkster. Maybe if you BACON wrap the heart or whatever giblets you wish to proffer..."
An Irish lad walks into a bar (OUCH!!). The bartender looks him up and down and says, "Hey, you, the one NOT wearin' a Brooks Brothers suit! You got a steering wheel on your cock!"
The Irish bloke replies, "Yeah, it's driving me nuts!" __)=>"Give us your poor, your tired, your stupid."
(Keep the whores in the boat and the oars in the water, boys...)
Our pal SHECKY is visiting THE STAND-UP today - all the way from Da Bronx - where, apparently, he's a pretty big deal. Shecky's been wearin' diapers when he travels since before there WERE any astronauts!
C'mon! Give it up - for SHECKY!!
Okay, Okay. You've probably seen me on TV. I been on a lot lately. Enough with the guest shots! I just can't seem to get a weekly series of my own. I just got off the phone with my mother. She suggests I should try to land a gig as host of a home improvement show. She points out, correctly, "There has never been a Jewish host for a home improvement show."
I can just see myself on the House & Garden Channel schlepping fertilizer for the rose bushes.

Mom's never forgiven me for passing up the chance to join my Uncle Morrie's business - he has a junkyard. Morries the one who lights the Shabbat candles with his cigarette.

People are always saying to me, "Shecky, I'd never take you for a Jew." I say, "'Shecky'... That wasn't a clue? There's not so much to know about us. Even though we're the chosen we're pretty simple folk. Keep that in mind when one of us is checking your prostate..."

Never take a front-row seat at a bris...

I met a lovely young lady in Dayton. I said, "We should get to know each other better, y' think? POP QUIZ! Think fast. Would you rather be one of Lot's Daughters OR be his wife?"
We had three dates. She always ordered a Gin & Platonic. We needed something STRONGER!

Non-Jews leave and never say good-bye; Jews say good-bye and never leave...

Jews can't afford to be prejudiced against gentiles - although, my mother insists you're White Trash if you buy retail and have never had an orthodontist.
Now I got a question. If Catholic priests take vows of poverty, then why does the Pope wear Prada shoes? Pretty, red PRADA shoes...
After listening the other side's argument, the rabbi nodded and said, "You're right, too."

Thank you, Fairbornigans (or are you Fairbornagains?)! Remember - if you can't say something nice, say it in Yiddish! Let's turn the microphone back to Rev. Art, the "Minister of Pants", who's a perfect schmendrik!
What a guy! What can ya say? A big thank you to Shecky!
It's time for your weekly VIDEO: THE DILDO DIARIES
or HERE
Shecky told me he went to Red Lobster for dinner last night.
I asked, "What'd y' have?"
Shecky replied, "Oh, I got scrod."
And I said, "Oy, that's the first time I've ever heard it referred to in the pluperfect subjunctive!"
I MUST be OFF!
FANTASTIC TOUR! ===> The Museum Of Lost Wonder PRAISE JESUS! TED HAGGARD'S NO HOMO! Orlando, FL (LaughFish.com) - Police investigators are saying that love obsessed astronaut, Lisa Nowak (43), wore diapers during her 950 mile drive from Houston to Orlando to confront her romantic rival, so that she would not have to stop for a bathroom break. Muslim Prayer for Peace The fierce internal clashes among Palestinian factions has many worried that the bloodshed is damaging the Palestinian case before the world. Yeah, nobody likes terrorists who can't get along. NASA astronaut Lisa Nowak drove to Florida wearing a wig and an adult diaper Monday to attack a love rival. She had pepper spray, a knife, a pellet gun and a mallet. Three hours after she posted bail, e-Harmony fixed her up with Ryan O'Neal.
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al-Malarkey to step down SOON!
Turns out all that cranked-up dude-sex Ted Haggard allegedly had with prostitute Mike Jones was just "acting out." The disgraced former head of Colorado's New Life megachurch is "completely heterosexual."
...A foursome of men assigned to whip the insatiable preacher into shape say his man-cravings were confined to one guy.
ASTRONAUT WORE DIAPERS!
Said Senator Robert Byrd (D-WV), "I'm partial to the 'dignity pants' myself."
In an unrelated story, former Representative Mark Foley (R-FL) says he likes to wear diapers too, "but not only on road trips."
When told about astronaut Lisa Nowak's plot, former NASA astronaut Buzz Aldrin said, “That’s nothing. I once bitch slapped a gas station attendant in Carlsbad, California because the Nehi Orange wasn’t cold enough.”
Nowak Still an Astronaut
Despite the fact that she's been charged with attempted murder, NASA says Lisa Nowak is still an "active astronaut"... mostly because anyone able to drive for 12 straight hours in a urine-soaked diaper definitely has the right stuff.
Spacewalk
Two astronauts on the International Space Station made a spacewalk Thursday to remove two thermal covers from the structure. Actually, only one astronaut was supposed to go, but the other astronaut was stalking him.
Ancient Lovers
Archaeologists in Italy have uncovered two skeletons embracing each other that they believe are the remains of young lovers from 5,000 years ago. Alongside the woman, crews found arrowheads, a knife, and the adult-sized diapers the female wore while hunting down the other woman the man was dating.
Over 3 million Muslim devotees in Bangladesh raised their hands last Sunday in prayer for global peace. Then, as is the custom in that country, they all drowned in a sudden flood.
Palestinian Feuds
The fierce internal clashes among Palestinian factions has many worried that the bloodshed is damaging the Palestinian case before the world. I agree. Come on guys, you have to stay together, you know... for the children.
Comedian ArgusHamilton
The Globe tabloid reported last week that Laura Bush wants a trial separation from her husband. There's no way the president can keep her in the marriage if she doesn't want to stay. He doesn't have enough troops left to surround the White House.
Speaker Nancy Pelosi requested a military jet to fly non-stop from Washington to San Francisco. Her time is very valuable. If she gets in a love triangle, she doesn't want to have to drive three thousand miles in a diaper to take out her rival.
Nancy Pelosi asked the White House to let her use military aircraft for all her travel in the United States. They might as well give her the plane. It's just one day of testimony in the Scooter Libby trial away from being Air Force One.
NBC News host Tim Russert testified against Dick Cheney's aide Scooter Libby Wednesday. The newsman showed up on crutches due to an accident at home. Right after he agreed to testify, he banged his knee on the vice president's baseball bat.
Massachusetts' former governor Mitt Romney said Tuesday he will announce his candidacy for the GOP nomination for president next week. He's a Mormon. It's not expected to hurt him as long as Rudy Giuliani is the candidate with three wives.
Tony Blair asked US Senator John McCain to help negotiate a power-sharing plan in Northern Ireland. He thinks the one U.S. senator calling for more troops in Iraq can bring peace to Ireland?! It sounds like that poisoned Russian tea is having side effects all over London.
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Jake Novak's Humor Blog
Anna Nicole Smith was found dead Thursday in Florida... doctors at first blamed a lethal combination of Twinkies and Pabst Blue Ribbon. Police have no official suspects in Anna Nicole Smith's death, but there are reports that astronaut Lisa Nowak was seen running from her hotel room with a loaded diaper.
(No illegal drugs were found in the room. No overdose. OMG!! Anna Nicole Smith was done in by TrimSpa!
LA Times
Friday morning, less than 24 hours after she died in a Florida hotel room, the Drudge Report — our media culture's digital arbiter of all things tacky and prurient — had 12 items posted on the onetime topless dancer. That would account for some of the media frenzy surrounding her death. It's a little-known fact, but certain sectors of the broadcast media have long believed that if a dozen items on Anna Nicole Smith ever were posted on Drudge simultaneously, it would herald the onset of the apocalypse.
Who knew? This is the way the world ends — neither with a bang nor a whimper but with CLEAVAGE!!
Gay NBA Star
Former NBA star John Amaechi (NOT Don Ameche)reveals in his new autobiography he is gay and played for almost 10 years without his secret being exposed. Apparently sweating and showering with eleven other guys every night is the best way to keep your sexuality a secret.
MORE Argus...
Ryan O'Neal told cops Sunday he fired his gun to ward off an attack from his son Griffin. Give the kid a break. Back when he was a student at Beverly Hills High School, Griffin O'Neal won a prize for having the most parents at a PTA meeting.
Fall Creek Baptist Church in Indiana had to cancel their Super Bowl party by order of the NFL. Their screen is too big. Southern Baptists have returned to pro football by the thousands ever since the league banned dancing in the end zone.

LI'L KIM!
FOR THE LADIES...
Heather's Muscles & Chocolates

A LIMERICK
On the chest of a barmaid from Yale
Were tattooed the prices of ale.
And on her behind
For the sake of the blind
Was the same information in Braille.

Once there was a beautiful woman who loved to work in her vegetable garden, but no matter what she did, she couldn't get her tomatoes to ripen. Admiring her neighbor's garden, which had beautiful, bright red tomatoes, she went one day and asked him his secret. "It's really quite simple," the old man explained. "Twice each day, in the morning and in the evening, I expose myself in front of the tomatoes and they turn red with embarrassment."
Desperate for the perfect garden, she tried his advice and proceeded to expose herself to her plants, twice daily. Two weeks passed and her neighbor stopped by to check her progress. "So," he asked, "Any luck with your tomatoes?"
"No," she replied excitedly... 'BUT YOU SHOULD SEE THE SIZE OF MY CUCUMBERS!"

What do you get when you cross a donkey and an onion?
Most of the time you get a funny looking vegetable - but every now and then you get a piece of ass that brings tears to your eyes.

A 4-year old is lost and crying in the mall.
"I can't find my Grandpa!", he cries.
The security guard says, "Don't worry, we'll find him. What's his name?"
The boy thinks for a minute and says, "Jameson's and women with big boobies."

DRUCILLA STRAIN
(1930s)
So this guy is sitting at a bar. At the other end of the bar, a large intoxicated woman with a sun dress and hair under her arms lifts her empty glass and slurs, "Ain't anyone in here gonna buy a lady a drink?"
The man, plenty drunk himself, says, "Bartender, buy the ballerina a drink."
A little time passes and the woman raises her glass again: "Ain't anyone in here gonna buy a lady a drink?"
Again the man says, "Bartender, buy the ballerina a drink."
The bartender says, "Fella, I gotta ask you, why do you keep calling her a ballerina?"
The man replies, "I figure anyone who can lift her leg that high MUST be a ballerina!"

BEAUTIFUL & BRILLIANT ACTRESS HEDY LAMARR
Good fortune. COMMENT!! Please spread the meme. Don't smoke in bed...