PISS ON EVER’THIN’ -
T’DAY’S SATURDAY, February 24, 2ôô7
Vietnam Vet with a cardboard sign
Sitting there by the left turn line
Flag on the wheelchair flapping in the breeze
One leg missing, both hands free
No one's paying much mind to him
The V.A. budget's stretched so thin
And there's more comin' home from the Mideast war
We can't make it here anymore...
JAMES McMURTRY wrote it and sings it - “We Can’t Make It Here Anymore”…
“Best Song of the Year”?? Hell, it’s a philippic for the generations since ‘Nam, the last seemingly interminable. Wasting, no-win war for wealth & hegemony…
ANSWER TO STATE OF THE UNION VIDEO
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JANET BLAIR (85) (shown with Actor-Comedian Red Skelton) was a vivacious actress who appeared in several ’40s musicals and comedies, then turned to TV. Blair was singing with Hal Kemp’s band at the Cocoanut Grove in Los Angeles in 1941 when she was spotted by a talent scout from Columbia Pictures. She languished in B pictures until Rosalind Russell recommended her for the title role in the comedy My Sister Eileen (1942). She danced with George Raft in the gangster movie Broadway (1942) and costarred with Cary Grant and a dancing caterpillar in the comedy-fantasy Once Upon a Time (1944). She was the love interest in The Fabulous Dorseys (1947), starring bandleaders Jimmy and Tommy Dorsey, and appeared opposite Red Skelton in the sleeper hit The Fuller Brush Man (1946). She also costarred with Don Ameche and Jack Oakie in Something to Shout About (1943), which featured a Cole Porter score that included the song “You’d Be So Nice to Come Home to.’’ On TV, Blair played Henry Fonda’s wife in The Smith Family (1971–72). She died of pneumonia in Santa Monica, California on February 19, 2007.
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W.E.B. Du BOIS would be 189. William Edward Burghardt Du Bois (February 23, 1868 – August 27, 1963) - One of the great Black Atheists of the Harlem Renaissance, who wrote for the American Rationalist; "Black Man's Burden-Religion." - was an American civil rights activist, leader, Pan-Africanist, sociologist, educator, historian, writer, editor, poet, and scholar. Du Bois helped found the National Association for the Advancement of Colored People (NAACP) in 1909. He INSISTED that white people should be INCLUDED.
He became a naturalized citizen of Ghana in 1963 at the age of 95 (ONE DAY BEFORE Martin Luther King delivered his “I Have A Dream” speech...
Venerable character actor, Hollywood's Most Talented Curmudgeon, STEVEN HILL (RN: Solomon Kravoksy) (85) is best known for his roles in “30-Something” as the father of central character Michael Steadman and the role of Adam Schiff, the D.A on Law & Order. Hill, a strictly-observant Orthodox Jew, has had an up-down career due to his difficult, temperamental nature on the set.
Dr. RALPH STANLEY (80) and his brother Carter performed as The Stanley Brothers with their band the Clinch Mountain Boys from 1946 to 1966. After Carter's death in 1966, Ralph continued to perform, eventually reviving the Clinch Mountain Boys. Larry Sparks, Roy Lee Centers, Ricky Skaggs, Keith Whitley, and Charlie Sizemore were among those who played in the revived band. Stanley has maintained an extensive touring schedule, with dates scheduled through 2007. Known in the world of bluegrass music by the popular title, "Dr. Ralph Stanley" (after being awarded an Honorary Doctorate of Music from Lincoln Memorial University in Harrogate, Tennessee, 1976), Stanley was inducted into the International Bluegrass Music Hall of Honor in 1992 and in 2000, he became the first person of the new millennium to be inducted into the Grand Ole Opry. In 2006, he was awarded the National Medal of Arts. Stanley's work was also featured in the 2000 film O Brother, Where Art Thou? in which he sings the dirge "O Death". Ralph Stanly won with this song the 2002 Grammy Award in the category of Best Male Country Vocal Performance.
ARIEL “Arik”SHARON, (79) is a former Israeli Prime Minister and military leader whose dynamic, history-making political career was ended by a massive stroke that he suffered in early 2006. He lingers in a coma as of this writng…
ANTOINE DONIQUE “FATS” DOMINO (79) in New Orleans, Louisiana), is a classic BLUES, R&B and rock and roll singer, songwriter and pianist. He was the best-selling African-American singer of the 1950s and early 1960s. Domino is also a pianist with an individualistic bluesy style showing stride and boogie-woogie influences. His congenial personality and rich accent have added to his appeal.
TEDDY KENNEDY (75) U.S. senator (1963 - present), a prominent figure in the Democratic Party and in LIBERAL! politics from the 1970s. He’s the last surviving brother of President John F. Kennedy. Teddy’s the conscience, heart & soul of the Senate; he‘s easily the most vilified liberal on the WWW.
Maybe with the DEMS back in control of the Senate, the ban against Teddy’s St. Bernard will be lifted…
The “Man In Black” JOHNNY CASH (born J. R. Cash, (75) was an influential American country, Rockabilly singer and songwriter. Cash was the husband of country singer and songwriter June Carter Cash. Much of Cash's music echoed themes of sorrow, moral tribulation, and redemption. He sold over 50 million albums in his nearly 50 year career and is generally recognized as one of the most important musicians in the history of American popular music.
DAME ELIZABETH “Liz” ROSEMOND TAYLOR (75) (shown with Eddie Fisher & Debbie Reynolds) is the drop-dead-gorgeous iconic two-time Academy Award-winning British-American actress. Her trademark is her violet eyes framed by a double row of eyelashes. Known for her acting skills and the depth of her personality along with her beauty, she is considered one of the great actresses of Hollywood’s golden years, as well as a larger-than-life celebrity. The American Film Institute named Taylor among the Greatest Female Stars of All Time, ranking at No. 7.
PETER FONDA (68) (Son of Henry, brother of Jane) started his film career in romantic leading roles. He debuted in Tammy and the Doctor (1963), which he called "Tammy and the Schmuckface." But Fonda's intensity impressed Robert Rossen, the director of Lilith (1964). Rossen envisioned a Jewish actor in the role of Stephen Evshevsky, a mental patient. Fonda earned the role after removing his boss' glasses from his face and putting them on so as to look more "Jewish." He also played the male lead in The Young Lovers (1964), about out-of-wedlock pregnancy, and The Victors (1964), an "anti-war war movie."
Fonda's first counterculture-oriented film role was the lead character Heavenly Blues, a Hells Angels chapter president, in the Roger Corman-directed film The Wild Angels (1966). In 1968, Fonda produced Easy Rider, the classic film for which he is best known. Easy Rider is about two long-haired bikers traveling through the southwest and southern United States in a world of intolerance and violence. The Fonda character was the charismatic, laconic "Captain America"/Wyatt whose motorcycle jacket bore a large American flag across the back. Dennis Hopper played the garrulous "Billy." 
Doe-eyed beauty, soft and warm, with a cigarette-rasp in her voice, HELEN SHAVER (56) is a Canadian actress and film and television director. Known for making gutsy career choices, well-respected Shaver has worked with such influential directors as Sam Peckinpah, Martin Scorsese, Steven Spielberg and Brian De Palma. Her most celebrated role was as a 1950s university professor who falls in love with another woman in the 1985 milestone Desert Hearts that won Shaver the prestigious Bronze Leopard Award at the Locarno International Film Festival.
In 2000, Shaver wowed audiences with her hilarious and touching portrayal of a drug-addicted prostitute in the independent feature We All Fall Down. The film also earned Shaver her second Genie Award, the first being given for yet another sexually daring role in 1978's In Praise of Older Women.
BILLY ZANE (41) is one of our favorite “B” movie actors. Greek-American William George Zane, Jr. has one sister, Lisa, also an actress. As a teenager Billy spent a year in Switzerland. After graduation, he moved to L.A. and immediately got a bit part in the movie Back To The Future as one of Biff's bullies. Since then he has worked constantly, in tv shows including Matlock, Murder She Wrote, and Twin Peaks. He has also appeared in movies such as Dead Calm, Danger Zone, Only You, Sniper, The Phantom, and the epic Titanic. He has several projects coming up in the near future, including Sundance Film Festival winner "The Believer". He has an ex-wife, Lisa Collins, to whom he was married from 1988-1995.
Beautiful actress and "Sex and the City" star KRISTIN DAVIS (42) has
"Earlier today, President Bush spoke on the phone with the prime minister of Australia. When the prime minister told him it was tomorrow in Australia, Bush's head exploded."
[Conan O'Brien]
EJ: "Did you graduate from Auburn?"
[Sir Charles Barkley]: "No, but I have a couple people working for me who did."
Britney Spears has become the physical manifestation of the feeling you get after watching porn. Every time you see her, you only feel loathing for what was once enticing. [Greg Gutfeld]
"God knows, is there anybody more ambitious than Her?"
[David Geffen, Hollywood Mega-mogul, speaking of Hillary]
(Oh, I dunno. Al Gore was less ambitious. John Kerry was less ambitious…)
They say that God is everywhere, and yet we always think of Him as somewhat of a recluse. [Emily Dickinson Atheist-American Sphinx, poet (1830 - 1886)]
Before a war military science seems a real science, like astronomy; but after a war it seems more like astrology.
[Rebecca West] (1892 - 1983)
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Welcome to our lovely home here in Metro Fairborn, Ohio. 
Before I continue, I must have signed disclaimer forms from everyone, OK? We can read through it to make sure everyone understands it. OK…
HOUSEHOLD ENTRY DISCLAIMER:
Due to the increasing popularity of lawsuits we have created a disclaimer that releases us of all liabilities. We will not be held responsible for bodily injury, mental deprivations, intoxication, allergic reactions, offensive odors, phobias, drive-by shootings, animal attacks whether it be a pet or a fellow guest, insect bites/stings, etc. Upon entering our home you agree to hold us harmless and to waive your rights of privacy, freedom of speech, and physical safety. Anything that you see or hear within our home may not be discussed off the premises. If you feel that you may be offended or disagree with this disclaimer then get the hell off our property and don’t come back. 
When we were looking for a house, we had a great time really irritating annoying real estate salespeople. One guy‘s business cards read: "Offices in London, Brisbane, and Hong Kong". It took us a couple of meet-ups to figure out that he works at home off his kitchen table. 
Touring houses for sale is a great pastime. We got to see places in people's houses that usually require a search warrant to access. EEK! SOME people really DO hang those black velveteen pictures of Elvis on their living room walls. Well, they do in Fairborn…
Then we bought this sweet little place from the owner, who thereby beat the realtor’s commission. We’ve been here almost four years - and we’ve finally got rid of the rats, bats, and spiders.
All proceeds from Today’s STAND-UP (which has been enhanced by Greg) are for "Victims of Rotting Pox".
Is Da Pagan Baby outta the room? Oh, good. I have to share a basic economic truth with you: The price of diamonds is completely artificial. The fact that women wear them is a sign of their utter incompetence in financial matters. The fact that men buy diamonds is yet more proof that men will do anything to get laid.
(Go ahead. Ask...)
I’ve learned some things the hard way - by getting’ bent over and HOSED. Don`t try to act all blue collar when droppin’ your car off at the garage. You don`t know an O2 sensor from a Gillett Sensor and the mechanics know it - so you're going to get BONED!
We’re invited to my wife’s boss’s home for a PIRATE party. AW, GEEEZ - I hate costumes and stupid couples games and all that with a bunch o’ people I hardly know. You know it’s gonna be lame. The invitation says to be sure to AHRRGH SVP!
ACTUALLY - laughter is what proves our humanity, and the ability to give a terrific party is a sign of true class. When Moses came down from the mountain with the stone tablets, he said, "Folks, I was able to talk Him down to 10. Unfortunately, we had to leave adultery in there, but you will notice that Solemnity was taken out."
And that night the Israelites killed the fatted calf and drank wine and told bible jokes in celebration." 
(Our 16-yr.-old Sylvia is NOT amused. Unlike most cats, who are atheists, Sylvia believes that SHE is a GODDESS, who must be opeyed!)
The best thing that ever happened to Rudy Giuliani was 9/11.
“MOUNTAIN CLIMBERS IN PERIL!” should not be a front page headline story. They’re just askin’ for it.
(President Polk wore a mullet. No, it wasn't in style then, either...)
Jack’s AOL handle is DorkVader, a clue, perhaps… When police arrest a pedophile and search his home they almost always find Star Trek memorabilia. The FBI opines that almost all pervs are Trekkies, but not all Trekkies are pervs. Even so, keep Trekkies away from your kids. 
(Mardi Gras was as festive as ever this year. A couple of kids are going to cherish these pix of "Mommy" for years to come...)
Kate’s husband was offended by the title of the movie "Kill Bill." So I call him “Willie”…
(Go ahead and clip this 3 X 5 card and carry it with you. You'll see that I've analyzed the SEVEN DEADLY SINS & correlated some common behaviors associated with each sin.)
Greg’s starin' at his little phone thingy. Man, if you need to get porn on your mobile phone, you have a problem with porn.
Who let this “Doug-guy” in here? I happened to overhear him employ the LAMEST pick-up line EVER over at the bar. He walked up to the ONLY topless lady in the room - AS IF! And he crooned, “Hi, my name is Doug. That's "god" spelled backwards with a little bit of you wrapped up in it.”
Doug, we’re gonna help you out - which way did ya come in?
There are tit men and ass men. I’ve always been a lips man. If you think her lips could make a lollipop happy, marry her.
My friend the Gay Black Jew asks:
Why would anyone trust the Catholic Church?
And why would anyone trust the bible?
When the bible was written... People didn't wipe their asses!
Everyone had dingleberries!
My mom told me to never trust anyone with dingleberries. 
Britney Spears is proof that even attractive women have dents in their head.
If you’re reading this to kill time - read it with Arianna Huffington’s accent… or AH-nuld’s…
“SMELLS LIKE TEEN SPIRIT”?! Y don’t say. What IS that? Mmmm… nachos, BO, Marlboro Lights, Polo Cologne…
I MUST be OFF!
Here's your VIDEO for this week!
WHAT WOULD MICKEY DRIVE?
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FIFO: First in, first out. Tom Vilsack quit the 2008 presidential sweeps. Tommy-Pooh, we hardly knew ye...
DA REV: JOWLY LEIBERMAN may jump to the Reactionaries?
FUCK Lieberman! IF he jumps, he’ll LOSE all the power he maintains by threatening to jump. At ANY rate - he’ll only have that power for another 19 months. When the DEMS win 13 senate seats in 2008, his vote won't count for any more than any other schmuck‘s vote. Have we forgotten to tell those DEM voters in Connecticut - GOOD JOB!?
CONAN: Denmark and Lithuania have also announced that they're pulling their troops from Iraq. Actually, it's just one guy who's half Danish and half Lithuanian.
GREG GUTFELD: If the mountains of Pakistan seem to be fertile ground for terrorists, while also being nearly impossible to penetrate, then a nuclear strike makes perfect sense… 
Comedian Argus Hamilton:
Senator Barack Obama raised millions at a Beverly Hills fundraiser on Tuesday, which gave his campaign some real show business sparkle. Everybody treated him just like a rock star. They offered him a ride to rehab and took away his children.
President Bush hosted a press conference on Valentine's Day. If you READ THE TABLOIDS you know he didn't have anything else to do. He was met with hostile questions, skepticism and contempt, then he went downstairs and faced the reporters.
Tony Blair ruled out a military attack on Iran. It's not needed. The Academy Awards air live tonight from Hollywood. When their satellite dishes pick up tonight's (Sunday) broadcast of a lesbian in a tuxedo congratulating Jews for three hours on their artistic brilliance, Iran might spontaneously combust.
Democratic party donor George Soros said the U.S. government should go through a de-Nazification program after what it's done to Iraq. WHAT?! Does this mean all the paintings in the White House may have to be returned to Holocaust survivors?!
Chimperor Bush was told by North Carolina scientists Thursday that they can make energy out of plants, and he asked them if it's like a distillery. It's a message of hope for Britney Spears. Twenty years of sobriety will not change your train of thought or raise your approval ratings, but at least you'll wear underwear in public.
Hollywood mogul David Geffen said Tuesday Hillary Clinton is overproduced and too scripted. His comments drew a heated response. Her staff insists that Hillary Clinton is completely spontaneous and unscripted, it says so right there in her day planner.
California moved the state presidential primary up to February. This clinches the nomination for Hillary Clinton. To get votes in California, all the candidates will have to get breast implants - but they will only look good on Hillary! 
Jake Novak's Humor Blog
White House on British Pullout
The Bush administration says Britain's decision to withdraw 1,600 troops from Iraq is actually a sign that things are improving in Iraq. So I guess the White House also thinks it's a positive sign that there are no cops left in New Orleans.
Gates on Computer Time
Bill Gates said this week that he limits the amount of time his 10 year-old daughter can spend on the computer to 45 minutes a day for games. But he does allow her 5-6 hours a day to wait for the bugs to work out of Microsoft Vista.
AIDS Cure?
Gambia's President Yahya Jammeh is claiming that his concoction of green herbal paste and bananas can cure AIDS. It sounds crazy, but Pfizer is having him killed just in case.
Prince Harry to Iraq II
Britain's Prince Harry is expected to be deployed to Iraq any day now with his military unit. Hopefully, he'll leave his Nazi uniform at home.
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From just a quick look at this photo of Anna Nicole’s baby, I’d say Rowan Atkinson is the baby‘s daddy!!
(She's a BEANIE BABY!)
Heather “Pegleg” Mills McCartney is to take part in TV show Dancing with the Stars.
The Daily Gut research team can exclusively confirm the tracks she will be dancing to:
Footloose - Kenny Loggins
(Can't Stand Up) For Falling Down - Elvis Costello
Circle in the Sand - Belinda Carlisle
Lean On Me - Bill Withers
Cretin Hop - Ramones
Legs - ZZ Top
Slide Away - Oasis
You Spin Me Round - Dead or Alive
These should be available as an iTunes celebrity playlist soon...
Rhonda, from Columbus, thinks that former NBA basketball player Tim Hardaway is a hater but wonders why only average players admit to being gay. "I mean if I was a gay rights activist or something I'd be more concerned that my team is crap. John Amaechi, Esera Tuaolo, Billy Bean and Alan Cumming aren't going to win anything."
MORE from Argus:
Retired NBA star Tim Hardaway said that gay people should not be allowed to live in America. Reaction was decidedly mixed. Within a day, Tim Hardaway was banned from all NBA All-Star activities, but he's leading all Republicans in New Hampshire. 
The Academy Awards show will be televised live tonight (Sunday) from the Kodak Theater in Hollywood. Everyone will be watching. It's the one night of the year you can see all your favorite movie stars without having to donate any money to Barack Obama.
Chickenhead.com
REV. ART’S ACCEPTANCE SPEECH
for the “Outstanding Achievement” in Gaffing Oscar:
Thank you! Oh! Thank you! I can hardly conjugate verbs! I feel so horny! And this statue - it's so full of chocolate! Oh, thank you again! I just want everyone to read in the tabloids that even in my wildest fits of self-loathing, I never would have fantasized that this could ever help me get laid so much. And to the other second-rate nominees, I want each of you to know how totally mega-pumped your jealousy makes me feel right now!
You know when they first told me I wasn't blonde enough, I just had to take a Xanax and obsess about how unaesthetic my love scenes have been. I guess it all just makes me feel kinda wrinkly.
You know, there are so many star-fucking stalkers to thank! First off though, I want to bitch slap the self-congratulatory circle jerks of the Academy, who looked deep within their lint-encrusted navels before giving me this fantastic award! Also, I want to thank Rosie Perez, for being such a powerful force in my life. And to the People Under the Stairs, who taught me to take life by the balls. And finally, to all the sycophantic talk show hosts - I couldn't have done it without you!
Thank you America, and good night!
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____ While it's wonderful that she'd "rather go naked than wear fur" (or anything else for that matter), let's hope those aren't real diamonds! Or are animals MORE important than African people?
FOR THE LADIES -
A HUNK shot of Actor Billy Zane!
ITALIAN SUPER-MODEL
SOPHIA SANTI
A woman goes into a sporting goods store to buy a rifle. "It's for my husband," she tells the clerk.
Did he tell you what caliber to get?" asked the clerk." "Are you kidding?" she says. "He doesn’t even know that I am going to shoot him!"
ONCE & ALWAYS MISS AMERICA - VANESSA WILLIAMS
The old maid in town calls in a young lawyer and tells him to draw up her will to dispose of her last $10,000 before she dies. She says no one in town paid attention to her and called her an old maid, so she wanted to spend $5000 on the fanciest funeral the town had ever seen. The lawyer asked what the other 5 grand was for and she said she had never had sex and she was sure she could get a guy to spend the night with her for 5 grand.
He goes home and tells his wife the story, and she says, “well, we sure could use the money” so he gets dropped off at the old lady’s house early in the evening. The next morning when his wife comes to get him he hollers out the window “Come back tomorrow, honey, she’s gonna let the county bury her.”
The British Ambassador to Washington was on vacation in Texas. He booked into a hotel, then feeling restless, decided to seek the charms of a prostitute for the night. He tracked one down thru yellow pages and dialled the number. A woman answered and he proceeded to tell her how he intended to ravish her all night in unspeakable ways. Having exausted himself of suggestions he said,'Now young lady what do you think of that?'
The female voice replied...'I think your excellency should dial 9 for an outside line'
An attorney got home late one evening, after a very taxing day trying to get a stay of execution for a client, James Wright, who was due to be hanged for murder at midnight. His last-minute plea
for clemency to the governor had failed and he was feeling worn out and depressed.
As soon as he got through the door at home, his wife started on him about, "What time of night do you call this? Where have you been?" and on and on.
Too shattered to play his usual role in this familiar ritual, he went and poured himself a shot of whisky and headed off for a long hot soak in the bathtub pursued by the predictable sarcastic remarks.
While he was in the bath, the phone rang. The wife answered and was told that her husband's client, Mr. Wright, had been granted his stay of execution after all.
Finally realizing what a day he must have had, she decided to go upstairs to give him the good news.
As she opened the bathroom door, she was greeted by the sight of her husband's rear end as he was bent over naked drying his legs and feet.
"They're not hanging Wright tonight," she said.
He whirled around and screamed, "FOR CRYING OUT LOUD, WOMAN, DON'T YOU EVER STOP?!"
MODEL: MIKA TAN
A woman comes home from playing golf and tells her husband that she got stung by a bee. "Where’d it sting you?"
"Between the second and third hole"
“I been telling’ ya, your stance is too wide"
After three years of marriage, Kim was still questioning her husband about his lurid past.
"C'mon, tell me," she asked for the thousandth time, "how many women have you slept with?"
"Baby," he protested, "if I told you, you'd throw a fit."
Kim promised she wouldn't get angry, and convinced her hubby to tell her.
"Okay," he said, "one, two, three, four, five, six, seven...
then there's you...
nine, ten, 11, 12, 13..."
It’s 2008 and the Iraq War has drawn to a close. The U.S. Army gives 3 Soldiers a chance to earn some money because of a lack of medals earned in the field. The 3 Soldiers, two PFCs and a Corporal, are standing in an infirmary in Ft. Benning, GA awaiting the docs. The doc tells the soldiers the parameters of the idea: each Soldier gets to pick two spots on his body, and for every inch separating those two points, $1,000 would be awarded.
The first PFC tells the doctors he would like to be measured from the tipof his head o the soles of his feet. He is measured at 6 feet even, so he receives a check for $72,000.
The next PFC spreads his arms to the side like wings and requests to be measured from tip to tip of his outstretched middle fingers. It's an impressive 8 feet 6 inches, so he is awarded $102,000.
The Corporal grins at the doctors as he requests to be measured from the tip of his "baton" to the base of his scrotum. The doctor pleads with the Corporal to reconsider, but the Corporal is adamant. The doctor finally gives in, instructs the Corporal to "drop trou" for a measure. All of a sudden the doc exclaims, "Just where is your scrotum, Corporal?"
He replies with a smile, "Back in al Anbar Province, Sir!"
Good fortune. COMMENT! Please spread the meme. Don’t smoke in bed...
