MINISTER OF RANTS

P.O.E.T.S. - 042807 || IMUS TIME SLOT GETS BUSY... CHASTITY FRYE... "LOST" FINALE SECRET... FIRST DEMOCRATIC PREZ DEBATE... "SANCTITY OF MARRIAGE"... KUCINICH IS THE MACK! PRO-WRESTLING SETS OFF GAY-DAR... REV. APPLIES TO WALMART... DINER WHACKS PEEPEE

APRIL 28, 2ôô7


ARTIST: TOBIN SPROUT

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Check out Rev. Art's Atheist Pin-Ups!


Damn...

WHAT’S ON? TUNE IN!

MSNBC is trying out radio talk hosts in the old Imus In the Morning time slot. Last week they inflicted former Bush 41 aide, eerie-looking Philadelphia blab-jockey Michael Smerconish on us… }}}cringe{{{ …

This week the morning host will be STEPHANIE MILLER, 6-9, Monday through Wednesday. Word is she has the inside track for the permanent gig. Her wit and attractive looks will play well to a mainstream audience. It will also open the doors of mainstream media to liberal talk shows.

WHO IS LIBERAL RADIO’s STEPHANIE MILLER, REALLY?
The popular Liberal Radio personality is the daughter of 1964 Vice-Presidential Candidate, the late Congressman William Miller (R-NY). Da Rev is happy to refresh your memory, if necessary - Bill Miller was Senator Barry Goldwater’s running mate.

(As Paul Harvey would say, that’s the REST of the story.)

TUNE IN @ 6 AM Monday to MSNBC and let ‘em know if you LOVE Stephanie Miller. If you DON’T like the program, just STFU!

Jack Valenti (85) former Presidential aide who became Hollywood’s emissary to Washington and developer of the US movie rating system. Valenti was an aide to President Lyndon B. Johnson before heading the Motion Picture Association of America as the movie industry’s No. 1 lobbyist for 38 years. Valenti was responsible for overturning the He retired in 2004. The master raconteur, always the elegant host or guest, had a stroke in March and died in Washington, DC on April 26, 2007.

Valenti overturned the Hays Code, which imposed censorship in response to primarily religious interests to control what was shown on the screen. The Code was a clear violation of the First Amendment rights of movie artists. Mr. Valenti was a staunch believer in the freedom of movie producers to make the movies they wanted to make. The rating system that Valenti instituted in 1968 eventually proved to be effective in reversing negative trends in box office revenue for the major Hollywood studios. The MPAA rating system allowed studios to explore more commercially successful themes.


Russia's first president Boris Yeltsin died, Absolut-ly, at age seventy-six on Sunday after a colorful, history-making life. In the old Soviet tradition, the undertaker pickled his body in alcohol and put him on public display in Red Square. He looked so natural. He was given a state funeral in Moscow Wednesday, with a horse-drawn carriage taking Russia's first democratically-elected leader through Red Square. President Vladimir Putin was brief but eloquent in his eulogy. He said he didn't do it. Tribute...


David Halberstam (73) Pulitzer Prize-winning journalist and author who chronicled the Vietnam War generation, civil rights, and the world of sports. Launching his career as a journalist, Halberstam quit daily journalism in 1967 and wrote 21 books covering such topics as Vietnam, civil rights, the auto industry, and a baseball pennant race. On his way to an interview for a new book, he was killed when the car in which he was a passenger was broadsided by another vehicle, in Menlo Park, California on April 23, 2007.


BOBBY "BORIS" PICKETT, voice of "Monster Mash", whose dead-on Boris Karloff impression propelled the Halloween anthem to the top of the charts in 1962, making him one of pop music's most enduring one-hit wonders, has died of leukemia. He was 69.

"Monster Mash" hit the Billboard chart three times: when it debuted in 1962, reaching No. 1 the week before Halloween; again in August 1970, and for a third time in May 1973. The resurrections were appropriate for a song where Pickett gravely intoned the forever-stuck-in-your-head chorus: "He did the monster mash. ... It was a graveyard smash."

The hit single ensured Pickett's place in the pantheon of pop music obscurities, said syndicated radio host Dr. Demento, whose long-running program celebrates offbeat tunes.

"It's certainly the biggest Halloween song of all time," said Demento. The DJ, who interviewed Pickett last year, said he maintained a sense of humor about his singular success: "As he loved to say at oldies shows, `And now I'm going to do a medley of my hit.'"

THE RULE OF 3?! Boris Yeltsin. Bobby "Boris" Pickett. Who is the third Boris who will trip over a rainbow in the next few hours or days?!

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Singer-Songwriter-Guitarist-Actor-Activist William Hugh “Willie” Nelson (74) is widely recognized as an American icon. His distinctive music and other social and political activities (which include, among other things, being the co-founder of FARM-AID and being Advisory Board co-chair of NORML, the National Organization for the Reform of Marijuana Laws) sometimes take a backseat to his pop-culture public image (firmly grounded in the acknowledged reality of his life) - that of an elderly, lifelong marijuana-smoking old-school cowboy-hippie troubadour.

Willie is Da Rev’s guru. Followers of the Tao of Willie believe that if we’re cool, when we die we’ll go to Willie’s house…


One of Da Rev’s Atheist Pin-Ups, Oscar-nominated Actor Uma Karuna Thurman (37) performs predominantly in leading roles in a variety of films, ranging from romantic comedies and dramas to science fiction and action thrillers. She is best known for her films directed by Quentin Tarantino. Her most popular films include Dangerous Liaisons (1988), Pulp Fiction (1994), Gattaca (1997) and the two Kill Bill movies (2003–04). She is currently the "face" of Virgin Media in the United Kingdom.


Singer-Producer Tionne Tenese "T-Boz" Watkins (L)(37) is lead singer of the group TLC. Vocally, she is most known for her throaty, seductive voice. With their sexy and funky attitudeTLC became the biggest selling female R&B group. TLC means "T-Boz", "Left Eye" Lopes (Unsubscribed), and "Chilli" Thomas.


Actor Jessica Marie Alba (26) is best known for her roles in Dark Angel, Sin City, Fantastic Four and Into the Blue.



It was always my dream to give an old, bald billionaire a boner.
[Rosie O'Donnell who said she was sad when Donald Trump called her "disgusting" and "fat"]

You show me someone who is legitimately funny and I'll show you someone with a lot of pain. If nobody laughs at your jokes - you are one of the lucky ones. [Actor-Comedian Chevy Chase]

With or without religion, you would have good people doing good things and evil people doing evil things. But for good people to do evil things, that takes religion. [Steven Weinberg]

When I was a kid I used to pray every night for a new bicycle. Then I realised that the Lord doesn't work that way so I stole one and asked Him to forgive me.
[Comedian Emo Philips]

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WELL HOWDY, REV’LERS!


Welcome to our humble abode in Metro Fairborn, where every resident is assigned a porn name (based on a combination of a favorite companion animal and a street you used to live on). I’m Macho Smithville. Da Pagan Baby is Gypsy La Belle. (BTW, President Bush’s porn name is Icky Thump…)

The best ’ho’ name I’ve heard lately is the moniker on the “escort” who claimed she did NOT boink Scary Cho the VT shooter when she “danced” nekkid for him in a motel room. Maybe “CHASTITY FRYE’s” reticence to let him touch her is the most immediate cause of the campus massacre.

LOOK OUT! I'm feeling SO HORNY - and lonely, outcast, and paranoid…

The proceeds from This week’s STAND-UP are going to the Research Society for the Alleviation of Itchy Collapse.


How many have stuck with “Lost” - the TV series that’s like Gilligan’s Island without the laughs - through this 3rd season? How many more improbable twists & turns of the plot and characters that show up from outta nowhere can they throw at us? I don’t wanna spoil it for you, but the big secret to be revealed in the season finale in three weeks is this: it turns out the whole thing was just a TV show…

 
Millions of women have only ten minutes a day to talk to their partner, a poll has found. Jim says, “Wha’ d’ya mean, ONLY ten minutes? If my wife can't say what needs to be said in 400 characters, I head out to a bar.”

Over at the buffet we have cherry cobbler mixed with pinto beans. Try it, you’ll like it.

WE'RE NEGRO FRIENDLY!

<=ROCKABILLY REV.

You know I used to be a saloon singer. In the ‘60s & ‘70s. Cheeses! That’s pretty long ago, isn’t it? All the songs I used to sing are in the Public Domain…

Please let me know if I say something that offends you. That’s why I blog. Remember the scrollbar is your friend.


Never stand at a urinal next to Mel. He spoke to me out of the side of his mouth, “HEY! Any more than two shakes after you’re done peeing is considered masturbation!”
Eeewww… Mel likes to watch…


GOLDEN CHILD

Professional wrestling fans, for the most part, at least the ones over 14, are closeted homosexuals. AND - It’s not lost on me that most “wrasslin’” aficionadoes live in or hail from the Southern states.


A word to the single ladies: there are mouth-breathers and pond scum frequenting singles bars who pretend to be liberal just to get laid!


Da Rev is still conducting a targeted job search. Yesterday I fired off a cover letter to one of the largest corporations in the world after discerning that the public perception of them may be inaccurate...
To: WAL-MART
Re: The glass ceiling problem

To a Hiring Professional Named Walton:

I am writing to apply for a position with your company, and I am including my resume for your review. It outlines my years of experience in retail and management, as well as my credentials and degree in Creative Metaphysics. I hope that you will take the time to consider it, as well as this cover letter. Whenever I hear about Walmart in the newspapers, I think "That's the company for me".

Everyone must be tired of women complaining bout the "glass ceiling", it can't just be you and me, Walmart. Glass ceiling, glass ceiling, glass ceiling. What is their PROBLEM? Have they ever even SEEN a glass ceiling? Greenhouses have glass ceilings. Glass ceilings are nice, man. They're classy. And anyway, they act like they're the only ones hard done by.

If they have a glass ceiling, what do we men have? That's right, a glass floor. Do you know how hard it is to concentrate on your job when you're constantly worried whether you've got gum or something on the bottom of your shoe? What if the breeding stock downstairs can see? Who will I fuck then?

It's not like they'd stop complaining if they were on the glass floor and we had the glass ceiling. They'd complain that we're constantly looking up their skirts! They'd organize some kind of media fiasco, demanding the right to wear panties so we can't see their unflushable pink toilets. Women will always demand more, Walmart. I'm glad you've drawn your line in the sand.

Hire me! I've got a dick!

Respectfully yours,

I’m sure you heard about this:
“Horrified diners watched in shock as a maniac sliced off his manhood in a crowded pizza restaurant. The 35-year-old Pole burst into the Zizzi eaterie in central London and grabbed a knife from the kitchen. He then leapt on a table and dropped his trousers as customers fled screaming…”

“I'LL HAVE WHATEVER HE'S NOT HAVING!”
"Waiter, there's a prize in my soup!”
Page: "Clean-up at table 3"…
"No more for you, Sir. You`re cut off."
“As usual, the servers quibbled over the tip…”

Silly wanker. Why would someone DO that? I’d like to think it was, uh, because of The War In Iraq.
 





From what I saw when I wasn’t out getting more beer or dozing, here’s my take on the debate (the FIRST for the EIGHT Democrats) (Next week TEN Rethuglickins!)… grrooooann…:
Moderator Brian Williams overdid it with the bronzer… Ms. Clinton was presidential. Obama and Edwards were not. Biden was funny and sharp. Gravel was entertaining. Kucinich was articulate, un bossed, unsought, therefore unelectable - so Dennis, quit giggling when Hillary‘s speaking, thank you. Richardson hurt himself, but it was just a flesh wound. Wait, Chris who? Has he been here the whole time? I slept through whatever Dodd may have said, thankfully…

I may have missed it, but nobody mentioned “Jesus”. Maybe it was a rule…

Prediction: Every Republican vote for the Iraq war today means two votes for Democrats in 2008.


Toyota has topped General Motors in auto sales for the first time. Unlike GM, Toyota outsources to America.


There’s a planet just outside our solar system that appears have all the prerequisites for life. President Bush cut to the chase, inquiring, “Does it have oil?”

SHIT-HEEL SHALLOWNESS!  (Wonkette)

It seems like only yesterday that Senator John McLame was posturing as a Jeffersonian libertarian. After a few years of flippin’ and floppin’, he’s got a full-on no-homo agenda going:
While he reiterated his commitment to federalism, Mr. McLame further stated,

“If I were a citizen of New Hampshire, I would oppose (recognition of civil unions). … Anything that impinges or impacts the sanctity of the marriage between men and women, I’m opposed to it."

Like… car accidents? Walnuts returned home from Vietnam to discover that the sanctity of his own marriage to Carol Shepp had been threatened by a car accident that caused her to become disfigured and crutch-reliant. Enter Cindy, the younger arm candy who is the second wife helping the senator preserve the sanctity of marriage.

Jake Novak’s Humor Blog
Housing Market
The housing market hit a new bottom last month with sales of existing homes down 8.4%. Experts say the drop was due to tighter mortgage practices, higher inflation, and the fact that most unsold houses that have been on the market for awhile "really smell like wet dog."


French Runoff
Record-high turnout in France has led to a runoff between right-wing presidential candidate Nicolas Sarkozy and left-wing socialist Segolene Royal. Experts believe the winning candidate will be the one who is best able to unite the voters with snobbery, cowardice and Jew-hatred.


Comedian Argus Hamilton
President Bush beat bongo drums and danced with African tribesmen on the White House lawn Wednesday on Malaria Awareness Day. The president's dancing illustrated the symptoms of malaria. It makes Republicans so delirious they think they have rhythm.


WHATEVER Congressman Kucinich may be lacking as a candidate, it appears that it's NOT charisma, or magnetism, or whatever keeps the lovely almost new Mrs. Kucinich glommed onto him...

U.S. Congressman Dennis Kucinich of Ohio announced Tuesday he will file articles of impeachment against Dick Cheney for misleading the country into war. It seems pretty reckless. If Dick Cheney is removed from office, George Bush becomes president!


Hillary Clinton on Tuesday compared herself to the famed escaped slave Harriet Tubman who fought to help fellow slaves escape the South through the underground railroad. Mmmm, that’s a REACH! Hillary Clinton has never even taken the SUBWAY!


President Bush gave senior citizens a tour of the Oval Office Monday, where he compared himself to Abe Lincoln. The similarities are striking. They're both wartime presidents who were subject to tabloid rumors that they were in love with their Secretaries of State.


President Bush told a high school crowd in Tipp City, Ohio on Thursday that all Americans should be sure to question abnormal behavior. He's absolutely right. If you see someone engaged in mindless violence you should contact authorities, not re-elect the guy.


Carl Bernstein has written a book about Hillary Clinton called "A Woman in Charge". It says she had a complicated relationship with her stern and angry father. To this day she flinches every time Alec Baldwin picks up his cell phone at one of her fundraisers.


Tennessee preacher's wife Mary Winkler was convicted of manslaughter for shooting her husband to death with a shotgun. The charges were reduced. She said he made her watch porn and dress slutty, and the jury agreed that kind of stuff can lead to drinking and dancing.


Tennessee preacher's wife Mary Winkler was convicted of voluntary manslaughter of her husband Thursday. He made her wear platform shoes and a wig and do unnatural things, so she killed him. E-Harmony just asked her if she'd like to meet Phil Spector.




NAPPY-HEADED ‘HO’S REDUX:
OK, the outraged preachers got Imus fired. But before Imus let a stupid derogatory comment fall from his lips - prominent wing nut blab jockey NEIL BOORTZ called Congresswoman Cynthia McKinney a “GHETTO SLUT!”
Yes, he said that on the air. Of course, most of the stations that carry his syndicated radio show are in the Old Confederacy states - and in Dayton, which has a sizeable black population, but maintains a demographic that is predominately unreconstructed redneck. Small wonder Dayton is SO vibrant and booming… NOT!!


Did you hear about John Popper’s (Blues Traveler) big weapons bust? Cops found four rifles, nine handguns and 37 steel-tipped harmonicas.

Hugh Grant has been arrested for allegedly throwing a container of baked beans at a photographer, London police said. Coincidentally, the beans were DIVINE & BROWN…

Gallery of the Absurd



NEW YORK — Alec Baldwin, who wants people to take his political views seriously, launched a tirade against his 11-year-old daughter in which he called her a “rude, thoughtless little pig” for not having her cell phone turned on when he deigned to call her.
Baldwin’s attempts at damage control may have been less than successful…

“I may be an out-of-work actor and lousy dad, with a minimal education, but I have views on world issues that people should listen to. And if people don't have the brains or the decency as human beings to listen to me, I’ll beat the ever-lovin' shit out of 'em!”

Greg Gutfeld
STUMP-FRUMP DUMPED
Heather mills booted from dance gig…

I am surprised she lasted as long as she did on "Dancing with the Stars". Obviously, for several weeks, people called in and voted for a one legged dancer... probably the same people that elected the president with half a brain.
In the end, Heather couldn't get a leg up on the competition...

Hey, how is Heather Mills like coffee?
They're both better before they're "de-calfed"!


I would like to hear Rosie O'Donnell sing the "Oscar Mayer" song...

She’s leavin’ “The View”, a show with women of different generations, backgrounds and views where only Rosie did the talking. Rosie’s hilarious as a comedian, like when she delineates her conspiracy theory of how Bush blew up the World Trade Center.

Rosie’s getting her own COOKING show - “WHAT’S IN ROSIE’S PIE HOLE?”
Libation, Labia or Libel...
If Something Ain't goin' IN Rosie's mouth - You won't believe what’s gonna come OUT…

MORE Argus
Miss America Lauren Nelson helped New York cops sting a sex predator Monday. This is what happens when your pageant's on cable. Everyone else is so famous thanks to YouTube that you have to go to Miss America to find someone the predators don't recognize.


The Producers by Mel Brooks, starring a singing and dancing Adolf Hitler, will close on Broadway Sunday. It closes as a new play about Nixon opens. If Hitler and Nixon were on Broadway at the same time it would be worse than when Benito Giuliani was mayor.

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What's the Freudian diagnosis for a Plain M&M?
Peanuts envy.


An aged woman went to her doctor to see what could be done about her constipation.
"It's terrible," she said, "I haven't moved my bowels in a week."
"I see. Have you done anything about it?"
"Naturally," she replied, "I sit in the bathroom for a half-hour in the morning and again at night."
"No," the doctor said, "I mean do you take anything?"
"Naturally," she answered, "I take a book."


TYRA RISBY

Mother to Daughter:
"What kind of person is your new boyfriend? Is he
respectable?"
"Of course he is, Mom. He's thrifty, doesn't drink or smoke, and he
has a very nice wife and three well behaved children."


Hans and Fritz went mountain climbing with their mother. She slipped and fell a thousand feet and Fritz hollered "Look, Hans! No Ma!!"


A city guy speeding down a winding country road in his sports car. Approaching him from around a curve, a woman rolls down her window and yells, "PIG!". The man yells back, "BITCH!" - flies around the curve and promptly slams into a 300 pound hog.

PLAYBOY - JAN '63

While visiting his niece, an elderly man had what was apparently a stroke. She drove wildly to get him to the emergency Room. After what seemed like a very long wait, the ER doctor appeared, wearing his scrubs and a long face. Sadly, he said, "I'm afraid that your uncle's brain is dead but his heart is still beating."
"Oh, dear," cried the woman, her hands clasped against her cheeks with shock. "We've never had an evangelical in the family before!"


FITNESS PERSONALITY/CLUB DJ BOBBIE FINNAN

A thong is a type of lingerie
In styles that are abundant
But their only purpose
Is to make wedgies seem redundant.


ROXY RAIN

A guy bumps into an old friend he hasn't seen for a while. After exchanging greetings, one fellow asked the other if he was taking squirrel vitamins.
"Squirrel vitamins? Never heard of them."
His friend gives him a handful of pills and says, "Take two of these a day; they'll make you smarter."
They bump into each other a few weeks later and the fellow asks, "So, How do you like those squirrel vitamins?"
"You know, I think those were squirrel poop droppings..."
"Ahhh, I see they’re starting to work already!


'30s Chinese

Good fortune. COMMENT!! Please spread the meme. Don’t smoke in bed...

P.O.E.T.S. - 042107 || NAPPY-HEADED CHO... LIVIU LIBRESCU, HERO... POPE RATZO'S 80TH B-DAY... DA REV'S COVER LETTER... SCHOOL SHOOTER - WHY?... PICKLES & THE CHIMP ARE SPLITSVILLE!... SEEDY GONZALEZ TALKS LIKE A GIRL... TITTIES!... TOMMY THOMPSON STFU!...

APRIL 21, 2ôô7

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ANNOUNCEMENT:
Richard Dawkins will be interviewed by conservative commentator Bill O'Reilly on Monday, April 23, at 8.00pm EST on FOX. The program will be rebroadcast at 11.00pm. Check your local listings for times.

For more informations, go to FOX News
or Richard Dawkins

LIVIU LIBRESCU WAS A HERO
As Jews worldwide honored on Monday the memory of those who were murdered in the Holocaust, a 76-year-old survivor sacrificed his life to save his students in Monday's shooting at Virginia Tech College that left 33 dead and over two dozen wounded.

Professor Liviu Librescu, Israeli mechanics and engineering lecturer, 76, threw himself in front of the shooter when the man attempted to enter his classroom. He was shot to death, but all the students in his classroom lived - because of him.

Brant Parker (86) co-creator of the comic strip “The Wizard of Id’’ who rendered its medieval kingdom for more than 30 years. Launched in 1964, “Wizard’’ appears in more than 1,000 newspapers worldwide. Parker died (eight days after the death of longtime “Wizard’’ collaborator Johnny Hart) of complications from Alzheimer’s disease and a stroke suffered in 2006, in Lynchburg, Virginia on April 15, 2007.

Ho down! Ho down! Most famous Ho - Don, was 76. His bubble finally burst. BTW, that Ho's hair looks kinda nappy in the picture. Just sayin'.

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Shirley Jane Temple (79) later known as Shirley Temple Black, is an Academy Award-winning former child actress. She starred in over 40 films during the 1930s. She is now a diplomat.


Jayne Mansfield (RN: Vera Jayne Palmer) was an American actress and Playboy centerfold who was killed in a horrific auto accident at the age of 34. She would be 74.
One of the leading sex symbols of the 1950s, like Marilyn Monroe, Mansfield starred in several popular Hollywood films that emphasized her platinum-blonde hair, dramatic hourglass figure, and cleavage-revealing costumes. She was a recipient of a Golden Globe Award and a Theatre World Award for two early screen and stage performances. She’s Mariska Hargitay’s (L & O: SVU) mom.

Actress-Model Andie McDowell (49) (RN: Rosalie Anderson McDowell)- “Sex, Lies & Videotape”.


One of Da Rev’s Atheist* Pin-Ups, Singer-songwriter Dar Williams (40) (RN: Dorothy Snowden Williams) is an American singer-songwriter specializing in what can be described as "folk-pop". Her song, The Christians & The Pagans here has become a Holiday staple for progressives…

On the Virginia Tech shooter:
There is nothing like hysterical masculine self-pity posing as righteous indignation. [Anon.]


"Who knows what evil lurks in the heart and minds of men?" [Lamont Cranston] (Only the Shadow Government knows?!?)

“In Rwanda it was the radio that urged people to kill…” [Batshit goofy Rep. Donald Payne, D-N.J., on the House floor, invoking the genocide card to continue excoriating Don Imus as the greatest threat to black folks since Bull Conner]

“We can say we have many reasons to hope that there is salvation for these babies.”
[INTERNATIONAL THEOLOGICAL COMMISSION SECRETARY-GENERAL
referring to Pope Ratzo’s revision of the traditional Roman Catholic teaching on "limbo" which now says there is reason to hope that babies who die without baptism can go to heaven]

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WELL HOWDY, REV’LERS!

Welcome to our humble abode which Paul Wolfowitz calls his “home away from home” when he’s kickin’ it with a couple o’ nappy-headed ‘ho’s in Metro Fairborn.

I’m Rev. Art and, like Richard Dawkins, I’m a radical atheist. I’m a Recovered Catholic! Did I tell you I used to be an altar boy? Yeah, but I never got touched inappropriately by a priest. I still wonder why none of the priests ever hit on me…

Speaking of strange old priests, Pope Ratzo celebrated his 80th birthday this week. First, he thanked God that he doesn’t look as ragged as Imus.

Then he spent a quiet evening alone with his hat - listening to the satellite radio for a “shout-out” from Opie & Anthony…

We ask all of you today to dig a little deeper to help alleviate the suffering of folks afflicted with Tick's Bile Insanity. Thanks for your support...

Bongo News
Thursday everyone came out of the closet at Hollywood High. (April showers bring gay flowers…)


I’m so lovin’ my life as a retired eccentric and blogger, but sometimes I come across an ad for a job and I say, “Hmmm - I always thought I would have been good at that!”
Here’s the first draft of a targeted cover letter to accompany my resume:
To the Hiring Professional:

Hello, I am writing to apply for the position of Restaurant Sales Consultant with your company, Sysco Foods! I'm located in the city of Fairborn, Ohio, which, according to your ad, falls within the territory for which you are currently recruiting, and I am including my resume for your review. My resume details my experience in sales, in particular, my experience selling MEAT to restaurants and my extensive experience eating in restaurants.

I assure you that I am the person for this position. You mention the provision of a company automobile. May I inquire as to whether it has dent resistant side panels? Sometimes I think dent resistant side panels on a car are a waste of money, but then I remember that ladies be always throwin’ themselves at my ride, and titties can wreak havoc on a paint job.

When it's warm, women like to take their titties out for a walk. You never see them in the winter, but in the hot months I guess their titties just start scratching at the door and yowling, and they need to be appeased.

Titties can be like rabid fucking animals, man. They claw at the carpet and they tear shirts down to the navel.

TITTIES TITTIES TITTIES.

FUCK.

Yours,

Rev. Art - Volunteer Abstinence Counselor


Daily Gut
Meth is being mass produced in Mexico. This is just another fine example of the Republicans outsourcing our jobs.

I filed our taxes online this year. You ever do that? Big mistake. As you may have heard, there were delays. The tubes on the internet must have gotten clogged. I got so confused I hit the wrong button and sent PORN to the IRS!

 
I’m jus’ sayin’, y’ know what I’m sayin’? Saying Al Sharpton is a "leader" of the black community is like saying Larry The Cable Guy is authority for the Southern Caucasian.


Incidents of Adultery are MUCH Lower in Muslim Countries!

I pass this along from Nate only ‘cuz it will make some of you feel better… When it comes to the effort of bedding super hot dumb girls, the juice is seldom worth the squeezing.


I love catchy bumper stickers, like, "Bush lied. People died".

Reminds me of "Johnson farted. Vietnam started."

Remember "Kennedy drank and Kopechne sank"?
Got more?

Scary Picture of Cho

I hope I’m one of the first dozen or so to say that the Virginia Tech shooter was “INSCRUTABLE”! And DICKLESS - probably…

He was a 24-year-old man whose voice sounded like a Korean Napoleon Dynamite - but with a speech impediment - and clusters of those tiny zits that recently pubescent a teen gets from excessive oil gland production - and not washing his face. Again, he was 24! He was socially-maladjusted, too. All this made him sad, so he premeditated the greatest mass murder in U.S. history (not counting Presidents Jackson and Bushwa).

To put Scary Cho in perspective, he’d barely qualify as one of Rumsfeld’s “dead-enders” in Iraq - who have been known to murder twice as many innocents, more efficiently, with a single homicide-suicide bomb.

Did you read either of this terminally narcissistic geek’s plays? No wonder he chose to blow his fucking face off!

Another nutcase with a shotgun tried to go on a killing spree in a popular mall in Salt Lake City. 5 people were killed before an off-duty cop with a gun started shooting back. No more people were killed. I know most college kids aren’t off-duty cops - but the VT gun-free zone might NOT have been a killing zone if one kid could have returned fire.

Why did all those people with all those credentials following the names on their doors, having seen and interacted with this sick fuck and read his depraved rants over the course of at least a year, decide that he was no danger to himself or others and permit him to continue his university experience which could have had no positive purpose or outcome? One word answer - lawsuit. His hardworking entrepreneurial immigrant parents would have sued their asses out of their ivory tower offices.

HEY! How long must we wait ‘til Foolwell and Moonbat Robertson blame the VT massacre on QUEERS, LIBERALS, EVOLUTIONISTS, MORAL RELATIVISM, and/or HILLARY?!

BLAME DON IMUS! The stupid misfit shit-for-brains mass murderer thought he said, “Nappy-headed Cho…”

Scarier Picture of Cho

MSNBC has found a suitable, tasteful replacement for the I-man with the "Cho Seung Hui - LIVE!" program (hey, whatever you may think of the guy, he never said "nappy-headed hoz" once in his manifesto...).

OH PLEASE! If NBC News had opted to keep the shooter’s video off the air, the public would never have quit whining! There’s a reason for the catchphrase - “If it bleeds, it leads.” - The beast (the public) must be fed, especially news that bled…
O’ course the shooter’s materials didn’t contain any cartoons of Muhammad.

Did anybody catch Attorney-General Gonzo’s testimony before Congress this week? I couldn’t help noticing that the totally unprepared, uncertain, unambiguously unqualified, unbelievable, unconvincing, undeniably unctuous little Bushwa sycophant reminded me of Shooter Cho, the ramblin’ wreck late of Virginia Tech. In particular, his voice sounds like the mass murderer’s - which sounds like Napoleon Dynamite!

Jake Novak's Humor Blog
VA Tech Reactions
Already, pro and anti-gun control advocates are using the campus killings to attack each other, critics of the school's security detail are protesting, and when it was learned that an immigrant on a student visa committed this atrocity, Lou Dobbs' head actually exploded.


Campus Shooting
At least 32 people were killed in an horrific shooting spree on the campus of Virginia Tech University Monday. Police were feverishly working to find out if the gunman said anything to offend the school's women's basketball team.


Greg Gutfeld
USA Today: "In the wake of Don Imus' firing for his on-air slur about the Rutgers women's basketball team, a high-powered group of music-industry executives met privately Wednesday to discuss sexist and misogynistic rap lyrics." Their conclusion: Shut up, bitch!

Rutgers women's basketball coach C. Vivian Stringer has just signed with Crown Publishing Group to write her autobiography. One possible title? Scarred for Life: How to Snag a Book Deal Without Even Winning the Championship.

I love Imus, but I gotta admit he looks like hell. The guy’s one year older than me and his tired old face is a mess of sags, bags and folds. Is it the years of tearin’ his ol’ body down with vodka, meth, and cocaine? Nah baba nah… It’s his old lady’s cookin’! The poor bastard has had any MEAT for 10 years or more! Slap some po’k chops on his plate let him live again!

Wonkette
Supreme Court can’t keep their feet dry when kicking in skulls, issues ban on “intact dilation and evacuation” abortions.

We hope you all had some kick-ass partial-birth abortions back in the ’90s, ‘cause now the fun’s over.

"My best to the ladies..."





Tuesday two Secret Service guys (were) shooting each other outside the White House … um, excuse us, we mean “in a security booth at the southwest gate.” One agent was shot in the leg and the other got shrapnel in his face.
Not life-threatening.



Wonkette
Tommy Thompson: 'Nothing Wrong With Money-Loving Jews!'

Fourth-tier presidential candidate Tommy “Not the Law & Order Guy” Thompson thrilled an audience of Washington Jews by telling them he’s cool with how they try to get all the money.
“I’m in the private sector and for the first time in my life I’m earning money. You know that’s sort of part of the Jewish tradition and I do not find anything wrong with that,” Thompson told the crowd, according to Haaretz.

That was enough to get some in the audience to put down their bags of money for a second and protest his remarks. Thompson explained, “What I was referring to, ladies and gentlemen, is the accomplishments of the Jewish religion. You’ve been outstanding business people and I compliment you for that.”

Thompson went on to express wonder that Jewish men also have “huge cocks” even though Jewish women are “notoriously frigid” and that the black waiters at the event were “good at sports, except for swimming.” His show was immediately dropped from MSNBC and CBS radio.


EBONY & IVORY
Jimmie “JJ” Walker dates Tr’Ann Coulter. Look, they have same-size Adam’s Apples. (They both play in the wing nut sandbox.) “JJ” recently called Barack Obama the “Johnny Mathis” of candidates - and “Tony (Motivational Speaker) Robbins on speed…” I wonder what Tr’Ann calls the Senator from Illinois? “JJ” doesn’t usually date women at this stage of his life, realizing he'll never marry. He admits that he's too self-centered, set in his ways, selfish, boring… and - GAY?!

From Ted Casablanca:
FIRST CLASS FIRST LADY GOSSIP
“PICKLES” LEAVES “CHIMP”
“She's staying at the Hay-Adams. I don't know how many people know...but it's probably not many.”
The U.S. Chief of Grief, George W. Bush, has a wife (by name of Laura) who’s so damn put out by the tee-totaling Texan’s return to drinking that she had to get outta the White House. Woo-hoo!
“She just couldn’t take it anymore,” whispered a former White House staffer who remains superclose to Miz Bush. “She’s had it.”
Is DUBYA imbibing?
"There is definite slurrage...not just the regular word mangling, eliding and grammar screwups when he speaks off the cuff, but real slurring in speeches and interviews."
Where are all those rude paparrazzi when y’ need ‘em?


NETWORKS SEVERELY CRITICIZED FOR AIRING ALBERTO’S TESTIMONY
“SUCH HORRIFYING VIDEO COULD NOT ONLY TRAUMATIZE OUR YOUTH, BUT IT’S SURE TO ENCOURAGE COPYCAT LIARS.”


MORE from Argus...
The White House said two Secret Service agents were wounded when one of their guns went off in a booth at the White House gate. It was inevitable. President Bush should never have hired Secret Service agents who trained at Pat Robertson's law school.

MORE from Jake...
Holocaust Classes II
Some public schools in Britain have stopped teaching the Holocaust in order not to offend Muslim students who believe it never happened. This has actually been the policy at the BBC for 25 years.

 
MORE from Argus...
The White House astounded the country Thursday by proposing the post of War Czar, who would oversee the war in Iraq instead of the president. The commander-in-chief is like any other soldier. He's on his fifth tour of duty and he can't handle it anymore.

The White House announced Wednesday it wants to appoint someone to oversee the wars in Afghanistan and Iraq. He would also direct both the Pentagon and the State Department. It sounds to me like this person should get to sleep with the First Lady.


Des Moines Republicans hosted the GOP presidential candidates at an Iowa dinner Saturday and gave each Republican candidate six minutes to make his pitch. That's very hard to do. Six minutes barely gives them enough time to thank their former wives.

Heather Mills McCartney survived one more week on ABC's Dancing with the Stars Tuesday even though she fell over backwards at the end of her dance number. She was on her back with her legs in the air. Now the show owes her sixty million dollars.


Michael Jordan topped the Forbes list published Saturday of the most expensive celebrity divorces in history. The split could cost Jordan a hundred and fifty million dollars. He has spent hundreds of millions of dollars gambling and womanizing, the rest he wasted.

The Eastern Seaboard was hit by a giant storm off the Atlantic coast on Monday. High winds and rain were accompanied by ocean swells. The Weather Channel showed a lone bicyclist pedaling into the teeth of the gales, trailed by a dozen Secret Service agents.

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A very shy guy goes into a bar and sees a beautiful woman sitting at the bar. After an hour of gathering up his courage he finally goes over to her and asks, tentatively, "Um, would you mind if I chatted with you for a while?"
To which she responds by yelling, at the top of her lungs, "No, I won't sleep with you tonight!"

Everyone in the bar is now staring at them. Naturally, the guy is hopelessly and completely embarrassed and he slinks back to his table. After a few minutes, the woman walks over to him and apologizes. She smiles at him and says, "I'm sorry if I embarrassed you. You see, I'm a graduate student in psychology and I'm studying how people respond to embarrassing situations."
To which he responds, at the top of his lungs, "What do you mean $200 for a blow job?"


A young man joined the Army and signed up with the paratroopers. He went though the standard training, completed the practice jumps from higher and higher structures, and finally went to take his first jump from an airplane. The next day, he called home to his father to tell him the news.

"So, did you jump?" the father asked.
"Well, let me tell you what happened. We got up in the plane, and the sergeant opened up the door and asked for volunteers. About a dozen men got up and just walked out of the plane!"
"Is that when you jumped?" asked the father.
"Um, not yet. Then the sergeant started to grab the other men one at a time and throw them out the door."
"Did you jump then?" asked the father.
"I'm getting to that. Every one else had jumped, and I was the last man left on the plane. I told the sergeant that I was too scared to jump. He told me to get off the plane or he'd kick my ass."
"So, did you jump?"
"Not then. He tried to push me out of the plane, but I grabbed onto the door and refused to go. Finally he called over to the Jump Master. The Jump Master is this great big guy, about six-foot five, and 250 pounds. He said to me, "Boy, are you gonna jump or not?''
I said, "No, sir. I'm too scared. So the Jump Master pulled down his zipper and took his penis out. I swear, it was about ten inches long and as big around as a baseball bat! He said, 'Boy, either you jump out that door, or I'm sticking this up your ass.'"
"So, did you jump?" asked the father.
"Well, a little, at first."


ACTOR VIRGINIA MADSEN

A MAN and his dog are shipwrecked on a deserted island. After a few days he decides to take the dog and reconnoiter the island. He discovers that the only other inhabitants are sheep. He recalls how his farm buddies would brag how they would screw sheep for kicks and he says to himself: "I'll never be that desperate."

Sooooo, a few weeks later he can't get those sheep out of his mind, and soon he's sneaking up on the flock. Just as he is about to pounce on a really cute one, the dog grabs his leg and won't let go. He snaps out of it, and thanks the dog for keeping him from making a fool of himself. This same scene happens every night for a month and the guy starts to get really pissed at the dog.
Then one day, the man spies a life-raft bobbing in the surf. In the raft is a beautiful young girl, barely alive. He takes her back to his hut, revives her and nurses her to health. After a few days the girl is feeling fine, and that evening a rush of gratitude sweeps over her.... She confronts the man: "I owe you my life. I'm yours forever. I'll do anything you want"
"Anything?"
"Anything!!"
"OK, hold that dog for ten minutes!!!"


A man was visiting his wife in hospital where she has been in a coma for several years. On this visit he decided to rub her left breast instead of just talking to her. She let out a sigh. The man ran out and told the doctor who said that was a good sign and suggested he should try rubbing her right breast to see if there is any reaction.

The husband went in and rubbed her right breast. This produced a moan from his wife. He rushed out and told the doctor. The doctor said this was amazing and a real breakthrough. The doctor then suggested the man should go in and try oral sex saying he would wait outside as it is a personal act and he didn't want the man to be embarrassed. The man goes in, then comes out about five minutes later, white as a sheet. He tells the doctor his wife is dead. The doctor asked what happened? The man replied, "She choked.

SINGER SHAKIRA
Good fortune. COMMENT!! Please spread the meme. Don’t smoke in bed…

Check out

Rev. Art's Atheist Pin-Ups!

A UNIVERSITY CAMPUS IN VIRGINIA, 4/16/07 - A STATE-MANDATED KILLING FIELD!

RANT, REV, RANT!!

***GUN-FREE ZONES***

A college or school campus, a church, a food joint, a saloon, office building, or store that bans firearms, EVEN FOR PATRONS, CLIENTS, EMPLOYEES, STUDENTS, OR TEACHERS with concealed-carry permits is a state-mandated KILLING FIELD!

The State of Virginia mandated the Virginia Tech campus a gun-free zone. And 32 promising young lives are yesterday's news, tomorrow's statistics. ONE crazed stalker-boohoo-loner with history worth noting going back to high school BROKE the state mandate and brought weapons to school.

IF ONLY one of those 32 students or their friends had said, "Fuck that! I don't play "sittin' duck". I'm packin'"!

The officials are a bit reluctant to admit that their patchwork of restrictions on gun ownership failed to stop a certifiable walkin', stalkin', not talkin' nut case from presenting his credit card and ringin' up a sale of $471. for a very nice Glock 9. And in Washington, D.C. the idealogues on both sides of liberty are gearing up for hearings, always with the hearings, to determine how this tragic loss of lives could have been avoided by cobbling together just one more barrier for law-abiding citizens to navigate in order to exercise their right under the Second amendment.

Wake up, Americans! Gun restrictions are to law-abiding citizens as holes in the sand are to ostriches. You can get your ass shot off!

(Rev. Art reminds you that the first rule of gun safety is, "Don't Piss Me Off!!")

P.O.E.T.S. - 041407 || NAPPY HEADED 'HO'S... IMUS BE GOING... POLITICAL CORRECTNESS FOR SHOCK JOCKS?!... REV. AL & JESSE VS. THE #1 PROBLEM FACING THE BLACK COMMUNITY... JACKIE ROBINSON, #42... FRED THOMPSON'S AHEAD OF McCAIN... NAPPY HEADED al QUAEDA OP

APRIL 14, 2ôô7

                                                         
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Check out Rev. Art's Atheist Pin-Ups!


 


Kurt Vonnegut (84) American cultural hero celebrated for his wry, loonily imaginative commentary on war, apocalypse, technology, materialism, and other afflictions in Slaughterhouse-Five (1969) and other novels. Vonnegut’s dark comic talent and urgent moral vision caught the temper of his times and the imagination of a generation. He suffered irreversible brain injuries as a result of a fall several weeks earlier and died in New York City on April 11, 2007.

Mr. Vonnegut appeared on Imus in the Morning this year.


Dakota Staton (76) highly respected jazz and blues singer known from the ’50s on for her bright, trumpetlike sound and tough, sassy style. Staton died in New York City on April 10, 2007. A Rev-Fave...


Roscoe Lee Browne (81) actor whose rich voice and dignified bearing brought him an Emmy and a Tony nomination. Browne had a decades-long career that ranged from classic theater to TV cartoons. His deep, cultured voice was heard narrating the hit movie Babe (1995). On TV, he played a snobbish black lawyer trapped in an elevator with bigot Archie Bunker in an episode of the ’70s TV sitcom All in the Family and the butler Saunders in the comedy Soap. He won an Emmy in 1986 for a guest role as Professor Foster on The Cosby Show. He died of cancer in Los Angeles, California on April 11, 2007.


Barry Nelson (89) MGM contract player during the ’40s who later had a prolific theater career and was the first actor to play James Bond on screen. Before Sean Connery was tapped to play the British agent on the big screen in Dr. No (1962), Nelson played Bond in a one-hour TV adaptation of Casino Royale in 1954. He died unexpectedly while traveling in Bucks County, Pennsylvania on April 7, 2007. He is the answer to the trivia question: Who was the first actor to play James Bond? Before Sean Connery was tapped to play the British agent on the big screen in 1962's "Dr. No," Nelson played Bond in a one-hour TV adaptation of "Casino Royale" in 1954.

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David Michael Letterman (60) is an award-winning American television personality, late night talk show host, television producer, philanthropist, and Indy race car owner. His first major success occurred on the long-running NBC television program, Late Night with David Letterman, before moving to CBS in 1993 to his current place on The Late Show. Letterman's ironic, often absurd comedy is heavily influenced by comedians such as Andy Kaufman, Ernie Kovacs, and former Tonight Show hosts Johnny Carson and Steve Allen.


Tony Lee Dow (62) is an American film producer, director and TV child actor of the 1950s and 1960s. Dow is best known for his role in the early TV sit-com Leave it to Beaver (1957-1963), in which he starred as June Cleaver's oldest son, Wallace "Wally" Cleaver, in a somewhat idealized family. His steady girlfriend on the show was Mary-Ellen Rogers whom he often romanced in maltshops. His character was crafted as having the attributes of the all-American sports-minded big brother. Dow's post-Beaver years were busy with roles on a number of TV shows, including the serials Never Too Young and General Hospital and guest spots on many 60's episodic shows such as Mr. Novak and Dr. Kildare.

Dow eventually went into the construction business in addition to studying journalism and filmmaking. In recent years he has acted occasionally (most notably in Beaver reunions), and has become quite successful behind the scenes as a producer and director.


Country singer-songwriter Loretta Lynn (RN: Loretta Webb) (72) was one of the leading country female vocalists during the 1960s and 1970s. Lynn - the Coal Miner's Daughter - has written over 160 songs and released 70 albums. She has had seventeen #1 albums and twenty-seven #1 singles on the country charts. Lynn has won dozens of awards from many different institutions, including four Grammy Awards, seven American Music Awards, eight Broadcast Music Incorporated awards, and ten Academy of Country Music awards.
In 1972, Lynn was the first woman named "Entertainer of the Year" by the Country Music Association, and is one of five women to have received CMA's highest award. She was
named "Artist of the Decade" for the 1970s by the Academy of Country Music. Lynn was inducted into the Country Music Hall of Fame in 1988 and the Country Gospel Music Hall of Fame in 1999. She was also the recipient of Kennedy Center Honors in 2003. Lynn is also ranked 65th on VH1's 100 Greatest Women of Rock & Roll and has a star on the Hollywood Walk of Fame.

She had more banned songs than any other artist in the history of country music, including "Rated X", about the double standards divorced women face, "Wings Upon Your Horns", about the loss of teenage virginity, and "The Pill", about a wife and mother becoming liberated via the birth control pill. Her song "Dear Uncle Sam", released in 1966, was an early protest of the Vietnam War, and was added to live sets during the recent Iraq War. In 2004, Lynn made a comeback with the highly successful album Van Lear Rose, the second album on which Lynn either wrote or co-wrote every song. The album was produced by her "friend forever" Jack White of The White Stripes, and featured guitar work and backup vocals by White.


Actor Ellen Rona Barkin (52 or 53) an Emmy Award-winning and Golden Globe Award-nominee appeared in several successful films including the thrillers Sea of Love, opposite Al Pacino (1989), and The Big Easy (1987) with Dennis Quaid. QUOTE: “Yes, I have fucked George Clooney. I’m very proud of it actually…”





I'm worldwide GET, act like y'all don't know
It's the abominabol-hoe man
So control your hormones and keep your drawers on
'Til I close the door and I'm jumping your bones
Read your horoscope and eat some horderves
Ten on pump one, these hoes is self serve
7-5-7, 4-1-0's, my cell phone just o...
[Ludacris, “Area Codes’’]


This is why I'm hot
Catch me on the block
Every other day
Another bitch another drop
16 bars, 24 pop
44 songs, nigga gimme what you got…
… We into big spinners
See my pimping never dragged
Find me wit' different women that you niggas never had
For those who say they know me know I'm focused on ma cream
Player you come between you'd better focus on the beam
I keep it so mean the way you see me lean
And when I say I'm hot my nigga dis is what I mean
[Mims, “This Is Why I‘m Hot’’]


"It's a completely different scenario. [Rappers] are not talking about no collegiate basketball girls who have made it to the next level in education and sports. We're talking about hos that's in the 'hood that ain't doing (bleep), that's trying to get a (bleep) for his money. These are two separate things."
So Snoop's position is that he is an expert on who is a ho and who is not, and therefore he is licensed to label hos and others are not. He said:
"First of all, we ain't no old-ass white men that sit up on MSNBC going hard on black girls. We are rappers that have these songs coming from our minds and our souls that are relevant to what we feel. I will not let them (bleepers) say we in the same league as him."
[Snoop Dogg - an expert on who is a ho and who is not, and therefore licensed to label ‘ho’s when others are not.]


“Thinking back on when I was a little nappy headed boy…”  [Stevie Wonder]

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WELL HOWDY, REVLERS!!

Welcome to our home and Museum of Collectables, Kitsch and Whimsy here in Metro Fairborn, Ohio!

I’m Rev. Art and I’m a nappy-headed ‘ho!


I like to thank all the hot chicks with nice racks who read my blog... When we see each other out in public, I won’t let on…



We’re happy to announce that all proceeds from today’s STAND-UP are being given to fund important research into “Feared Eternal Atrophy”.


"I know I gained a couple of pounds over the winter, but, c'mon, Greenpeace?"

No matter how you lick a soft serve ice cream cone it will always wind up looking like a penis.


Greg Gutfeld, Host of "Red-Eye" on FOX News, 2 AM.

I was watchin’ “Red Eye” recently. I record it overnight to have an irreverent, snarky take on the news to watch during the breakfast hour. It doesn’t come close to the I-Man in the Morning, but it helps. The lovely Rachael, in the beginning, said something about Bill being Greg's }}}bleep{{{? What got bleeped? It was “homie”, “Greg’s homie”.
It was bleeped at the request of Al Sharpton. Just so they don’t bleep her legs.


I see Leon’s here. Leon was going to start a pessimists club, but he figured no one would join.


Please help yourself to the buffet. Chef Clyde has fixed yummy refried beans, which are fried beans fried again in bacon fat… and something cheese-like… corndogs and beer nuts… Da Rev’s own recipe mourning dove jerky.



Why don't you ever enter any CONTESTS, Marvin? Well, you know you can GOOGLE your ZIPCODE!

Will, my cousin, is visiting from France. He’s a career diplomat. He’s dating a Jesuit.


Sandy Duncan is sitting right over there, Charlie. She says she'll keep an eye on you.


I’m happy to report that the smoking ban in bars and restaurants is being mostly observed - but I’ve observed a couple of exceptions. I have more than a comment to share with them, oh yeah!
“If you smoke around me, that gives me an equal right to fart around you. I may come home smelling like an ashtray, but you'll come home smelling like the dumpster behind this joint!


HEY! How many black preachers does it take to screw in a light bulb?
Zero - they had them banned!


The Don Imus firing should be an outrage to anybody who wants to be able to use humor in the public square. IT DOESN’T MATTER if you think it was funny or not. It was clearly intended to be, it was not hate speech, Imus apologized for it, and to crucify the old bastard for it is shameful. Watch your back, because you could be next.



Imus is a SHOCK-JOCK. It’s his fucking JOB to get under people’s skins. Outrage is the currency he deals in - not all that unlike some other entertainers - such as RAPPERS and BLACK COMEDIANS!


Man Coulter called John Edwards a faggot. Don Imus called female ball players ‘ho’s. He apologized profusely over and over. She did not. There’s a lesson. Make a note of it.


Can we say, "IMUS has been BLACK-BALLED!"
I see some of you are saying, “I never saw his show.” Ahhh, well, most of the people who were QUICKEST to call for his firing have never seen his show. How easy for them!


Let us not overreact to the all the overreaction to a stupid slip of the tongue by Don Imus that has been the subject of too much overblown rhetoric this week. Imus got ‘HO’SED!


Today Show weather man Al Roker was one of the media whores who had used the Imus show to plug his insipid books. He called for Imus to be fired. Al Roker WISHES HE was “nappy headed”…


And founding Wonkette blogger (now flogging @ TIME.com) Ana Marie Cox, who appeared regularly on Imus’s show, the last time just a couple of weeks ago, expressed OUTRAGE over his remarks. Having said that, she went back to blogging about “ass-fucking”

Consider this, our editorial commentary from from Greg Gutfeld - yeah, the guy who hosts "Red Eye" on FOX News at 2 AM:
This idea that the Rutgers women's basketball team should be off-limits to mockery and criticism because they're wonderful specimens of humanity who are uplifting all females and so forth, and Oprah is proud to call herself a W-O-M-A-N because of them, and all this other horsecrap... PTUI!


Anybody can be mocked, because this is America. There is nobody so special and precious that some aspect of their pure, irreplacable being can't be defecated upon by some bitter crank. Sorry! You don't have to like it, but you do have to accept the concept, because it's what our whole country was built on. If you're in the news, there is the outside chance that somebody somewhere who is paid (or not) to comment on the news might say something about you that you don't like, even though you're a really great person and it's totally unfair. Oh well!

For (Greg's, not mine) God's sake, we have got to stop taking ourselves so seriously. What did the one girl say, "This has scarred me for life" or something like that? How? Some corny old Caucasian fellow on the radio says something mean about your hair and uses rap slang to describe your femininity. Okay then, go ahead and shoot yourself in the head right now, because what's the use in living. Ugh. Sorry to go off on a Dennis Miller, but it just infuriates me.


(Love it or hate it, Greg's comments are spot on. Y' can't have free speech both ways, Baby. Why haven't we heard anything like this from ANYONE?!)


Sarah Silverman and Bill Maher have said worse - and funnier…


I HEARD THIS ON SOUTH PARK:
“Jesse Jackson (or Al Sharpton) is not the Emperor of Black People!”


I know, nobody wants to be called a “nappy-headed ‘ho’ - which is why Rev. Al Sharpton spends a hundred thousand dollars a year to keep up his big soft perm…


Imus should have called ‘em “nappy-headed ladies”…

Word to the Hip-Hop Industry: either everyone gets to say it - or no one...
and it's unconstitutional to say no one.


Those poor wee flowers - the women's Rutgers Basketball team. Such fragility. The epitome of young womanhood from - say, 1807?!


Is it OK to call the rape-accuser of the Duke Lacrosse Team a “nappy-headed ‘ho’”? Maybe. “Sex-Worker’s” probably more precise… Let’s check in with our cultural hall monitors, Al & Jesse…

CLICK FOR COLBERT VIDEO
Stephen Colbert discusses his own racial slur...

FORMER CONGRESS WOMAN CRAZY CINDY

KCAA
A small radio station intends to run the "Best of Imus" next week in defiance of Don Imus' firing.


Da Rev predicts Imus will be back with a lucrative radio contract by June 1, sponsored by Titleist, the Grand Ole Opry and the Royal Bank of Scotland - and a ten million dollar endorsement deal for Hostess Ho Ho's.


Just FYI - the plural of 'ho' is “sorority.”




Wonkette
The World Bank’s trying to fire Paul Wolfowitz all of the sudden. Why? Check your calendar, (Friday 13th) that’s why. On days like this, it’s best just to call in sick and spend all day in bed with your mistress you pay $200,000 a year to fuck you.

Jake Novak's Humor Blog

American Al Qaeda
A federal indictment says 43-year-old Christopher Paul of Columbus provided material support to al Qaeda and plotted to set off bombs in Europe and the United States. But even if the allegations are true, Al Sharpton says Paul is not as big a threat as Imus.


Comedian Argus Hamilton
Israel's air force nearly shot down a Continental Airlines flight arriving in Tel Aviv from New York on Wednesday. Passover had just ended. It's no surprise to anyone who's ever been on the Atkins Diet that seven days without bread makes you very cranky.


Pope Benedict released a book in German titled Creation and Evolution in which he insists Darwin's theory is unproven. He works at his own pace. He likes to stay one step ahead of the Nazi hunters and two years behind the Kansas Board of Education.

Senator Robert Byrd attended a Senate hearing on tainted pet food Thursday. He used the opportunity to compare himself to Popeye the Sailor and announced he will run for re-election in 2012. Bob Byrd is so old his ears still ring from the Big Bang.





MORE ARGUS...
JACKIE ROBINSON is honored today for ending racial segregation in Major League Baseball. It happened sixty years ago today. Commissioner Bud Selig will be on hand to apologize to Al Sharpton for Ty Cobb's remarks about it on the Arthur Godfrey Show.

Jackie Robinson will be honored by baseball Monday, sixty years after his first major league game. It's a different era today. The New York Mets want to name their new stadium after Jackie Robinson, but his widow can only come up with two million dollars a year.


Fred Thompson leaped to third place among GOP candidates Friday. In the movies he's played an admiral, White House chief of staff, CIA Director, a general and a president. Fred Thompson has got more than an impressive resume, he's got a demo reel.

Arnold Schwarzenegger accepted the British Conservative Party's invitation Sunday to address the party's annual conference in England. The governor is raising his profile. He's had just about enough of Fred Thompson being referred to as a movie star.

More from Jake...

Disney Dresses
Disney has unveiled a line of bridal gowns inspired by their princess characters... and a new line of black leather lingerie inspired by the wicked queen, Urusula, and Malificent.

Dickens World
A new theme park in England has opened called Dickens World, which dedicated to the author Charles Dickens. It's the first theme park that encourages parents to leave their children behind.

Pet Food CEO Claim
Mark Wiens, the CFO of Menu Foods, which is at the center of the tainted pet food scandal, says that it was a "horrible coincidence" that he sold nearly half his shares in the firm three weeks before a recall of its product. He also says it was a "horrible coincidence" that his dog started eating exclusively at the Olive Garden on the exact same day.


Dirty Lawyer
A 3rd-year law student at Brooklyn Law School is facing questions about her character after baring her breasts for a Playboy video. Legal experts agree that for her to prove that she still has the moral fitness to be a lawyer, she'll have to take off her panties too.


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Tonight’s jokes are provided by A Prairie Ho Companion


A man walked into the produce section of his local supermarket and asked to buy half a head of lettuce. The boy working in that department told him that they only sold whole heads of lettuce. The man was insistent that the boy ask his manager about the matter.
Walking into the back room, the boy said to his manager, “Some asshole wants to buy a half a head of lettuce.”

As he finished his sentence, he turned to find the man standing right behind him, so he added, “and this gentleman kindly offered to buy the other half.”

The manager approved the deal and the man went on his way. Later the
manager found the boy and said, “I was impressed with the way you got
yourself out of that situation earlier. We like people who think on their
feet here. Where are you from , son?”
“Canada, sir,” the boy replied.
“Well, why did you leave Canada,” the manager asked. The boy said, “Sir,
there’s nothing but whores and hockey players up there.”

“Really!” said the manager. “My wife is from Canada!”
The boy replied, “No kidding??? Who did she play for?”


A little boy was standing on the sidewalk with one hand in his pocket and a loaf of bread in his other hand. The preacher walked by and said, "Hi son, I see you have the "staff of life" in your hand." "What's in the other hand?" The little boy replied, "A loaf of bread."


A Marine Corps fighter pilot who had flown in Vietnam and Iraq, and had many combat missions was flying a commercial flight and was seated beside a young woman who had a newborn in her arms.
At one point she discretely covered herself and started breastfeeding her child.
She asked the Marine if he minded, and he said that it didn’t bother him. She added that her pediatrition recommended breastfeeding to help equalize the pressure in the baby’s ears while flying.
The Marine replied, “Damn! All these years, I’ve been chewing gum.”

Rachel Marsden of "Red Eye"

Gracie received a notice while she was at work to call her husband's doctor. The doctor advised her to hurry over to the hospital to see her husband. Greeting him in an examination room, Tom informed her that the doctor had told him that an incredible tumor suddenly appeared in his head, and that the doctor told him that he would die sometime tonight. Gracie was very quiet for a few minutes. Then Tom said "Since I'm going to die, I want to spend my last hours making love to you. Would you get up on the table?'
She sat still for a minute, then, "Sure...you don't have to get up and go to work in the morning."


H-H-H-HALLE BERRY!
A man came into the barber shop and sat down in the chair. The barber noticed he had two black eyes. "How’d you get those two black eyes?" said the barber.

"Well, I was at church yesterday and when we got up to sing, I noticed the lady in front of me. Her dress was kinda tucked away in an awkward spot. It bothered me till I couldn’t stand it any longer....so I reached up and pulled it loose."

"Well", the barber laughed, "that explains one black eye. How’d you get the other?"

"I tucked it back in."

Good fortune. COMMENT! Please spread the meme. Don't smoke in bed...

IMUS BLOWBACK!! DON'T GET PISSED - GET ORGANIZED! ... THEY AIN'T SEEN NOTHIN' (in the way of a widespread PC crackdown)!

CBS HAS FIRED DON IMUS!

(Click on image if it is not sufficiently offensive to you.)

Unfortunately, the I-Fans who were regular viewers get no say in the decision to dump his show. While there are a lot of folks who have been calling for his ouster, most of them never watch the show. They received all their input second hand.

It's always troubling when large corporations cave at the first sign of conflict. An important and, yes, diverse platform has been ripped from our screens, viewers be damned.

Of course many of the voices and sentiments expressed here and thereabouts concerning the firing would only seem to reinforce the opinion among those unfamiliar with the program. Those who would try to be heard along with or over the cacophonous din of the preacher-organized protestors, must first realize that a chorus of angry redneck bigots would most likely serve to convince the powers-that-be that their instincts for dumping Imus were correct.

So here we are again, staking out territory, black and white, all in the name of redressing a stupid, joking slur... THAT's STUPID!

You can take this to the bank, people -  this is precedent-setting stuff. Don't think there won't be a widespread PC crackdown - if not  gummint censorship - on the heels of all the pressure that has been exerted. When the enforcement begins the focus may be on the wingnuts, Limbo, Glen Beck, Savage-Wiener, et al. If I had to bet, I would look for black artists, hip-hop and rap artists, comedians and script writers to be targeted, and not in a smiling, motherly Tipper Gore way...

It's no great leap - if " 'ho's" is racist and sexist and unacceptable, than that's what it is. If there are to be consequences for free speech - loose, intemperate speech - then BRING 'EM ON!


QUOTE/UNQUOTE

"Don Imus - the man who says whatever hideous things that pop into his head. Morning radio just doesn't get any better than this!"

(Don Imus was inducted into the Radio Hall of Fame in 1989.)

A MESSAGE FROM DON IMUS

IMUS IS SO OUTTA THERE! NOW WHAT!!

NBC News, which runs MSNBC, has tied the can to the I-man, effective immediately. My guess is CBS radio will follow suit.

Imus may, in fact, have been undone by the "little people" who worked in the newsoffices, the folks he verbally abused and ridiculed - or ignored. This week it was their turn to say they no longer wished to be associated with the "bigot". Nothing exceeds like arrogance and Imus had grown increasingly full of himself, irritable and nasty.

When the sponsors started droppin' out, it was time to cut bait. The corpies at NBC are saying the NBC news "family" expressed outrage in sufficient numbers to drive their decision to fire one of the most powerful broadcasting figures ever. IMHO, he would have done well to have fired Bernard McGuirk years ago - particularly, in response to the Gwen Ifill -"cleaning lady" dust-up.


Just a couple of weeks ago, CNN revamped their American Morning format, scrapping Soledad O'Brien and the other O'Brien (male), and adding former CBS back-up anchor John Roberts, all due to the regular trouncing of their morning programming by Imus in the Morning. MSNBC has just kissed off their highest-rated and most lucrative program. That bare-bones radio simulcast was the flagship among all their slick, fine-tuned formats.

So - what are MY options for AM news on the telly? I'll be surveying the vast blandland for a new breakfast hour companion. Today? No way. Goodbye, Good Morning, America. C-Span offers headlines and discussion. I can record "Red Eye" on Fox and play it when we get up. Is that all there is?


Reverend Al's victory won't be complete, though, 'til Imus is off the radio. He plans to picket CBS radio studios. Maybe Imus will write the final chapter in a return to his old "shock-jock" form on satellite radio.

And, for the record - Rash Limbo used the word " 'ho's" to refer to the women involved in the Duke rape case. And - is there anyone on the airwaves who is more obscenely bigoted and offensive than Michael Wiener AKA "Savage"?!

THE DON IMUS DEBACLE: WHY WHITE COMEDIANS CAN'T BE PERCEIVED EQUALLY WITH BLACK COMEDIANS

 
"THE I-MAN"


THE CONTEXT

Imus in the Morning on MSNBC weekday mornings, a potpourri of news and sports updates, serious discussions with newsmakers and politicians, live and recorded music, and comedy. It's a tough mix to manage. Tim Russert and Chris Mathews have never tried it. Certainly the Imus program is a far cry from its AM TV rivals, Today or Good Morning America. The comedy consists primarily of comments made from the "seat of the pants" or "off the top of the head", spontaneous jabs at people, mostly prominent, whose names cross the news wires on a particular day or cross the minds of any of the 5 studio regulars. The usual comment is pointed, cynical, sophomoric and offhandedly funny. Surely many of these jibes are hurtful. If punches are pulled in the day-to-day caustic quips and put-downs, it's not readily apparent to this regular viewer.

Of course, the freewheeling, "anything-can-happen" atmosphere makes Imus in the Morning "must-see" TV from 5:30 to 9 AM. Yet it's only a CBS radio show that's syndicated around the country and simulcast on MSNBC. Don Imus is a "shock-jock" of some 30 years running who has morphed his format over the last 15 years to include freeform interviews of some depth for an entertainment program. Imus is an infomaniac who has an understanding of the issues that belies high school dropout status. Consequently, he attracts important authors, CEOs, charitable foundation chairs, media critics, military and political pundits and politicians, particularly presidential aspirants, along with a "Who's Who" of entertainers, all of whom run the gamut among racial and ethnic origins, and religious and political orientation.

He and his wife run a working cattle ranch for kids with cancer and other serious illnesses. The millions of dollars in donations are utilized completely to run the ranch and provide a once-in-a-lifetime experience for the children. No one in the Imus family receives a nickel for their administration of the foundation and the ranch.

Don Imus has demonstrated that he is a good person and is no racist over the 30+ years he has ranted over the airwaves. He has received hate mail targeting him as a n----- lover for playing and showcasing R & B artists, for playing the sermons of famed black evangelist Eugene Patterson, for championing the candidacy of Harold Ford, Jr. to become the first black senator from the South since Reconstruction, and for speaking out on important issues. Imus hammered home the conclusion that the Bush administration ignored the people left behind in the aftermath of Hurricane Katrina "because they were black" - BEFORE any hip-hop celeb raised the point.

THE CONTROVERSY

The 2007 NCAA final women's basketball champoinship pitted University of Tennessee against Rutgers University. The Rutgers girls were sentimental favorites in many quarters for their underdog status against the Lady Vols who have been there, done that several times in recent memory. The remarks that ignited the firestorm referred to the appearance of the Rutgers team which includes eight black women. Imus was discussing the game with producer Bernard McGuirk.

"That's some rough girls from Rutgers," Imus said. "Man, they got tattoos ..."

"Some hardcore hos," said McGuirk.

"That's some nappy headed hos there, I'm going to tell you that," Imus said.

THE FALLOUT

A growing chorus of protests, complaints and calls for Imus to be fired has erupted primarily among black civil rights spokespeople and organizations, including the Black Journalists Organization. Imus has been trying to stay out front of the firestorm delivering several excruciatingly frank expressions of apology. He spent the weekend working the phones, reaching out to all the people whose books Imus hyped to best-seller status, the politicians and journalists who jockey for position to engage with Imus on the current issues, the community leaders for whom Imus has spearheaded fundraising activities that have brought in hundreds of millions of dollars for sick kids, mistreated vets and a prominent military memorial. Imus is fighting for his professional life, appearing on Rev. Al Sharptons radio show Monday, knowing full well that Sharpton and his counterpart (rival) Rev. Jesse Jackson are not likely to back off their demand that he be fired from MSNBC and CBS radio. I find it hard to believe that anyone with the demonstrated power to make or break people and products and initiate trends, whose ratings have recently shot up 39%, is going to be banished from the airwaves before his time - but events could overtake him this time.

It's not difficult to see where Sharpton and Jackson are coming from. They draw heavily upon a segment of the black community for support for their various crusades and, let's face it, a sizeable portion of their sizeable incomes. So they play to "the base" and as we have seen so often they can stir up a groundswell of indignation and protest. Neither of these men can step far outside the parameters of their usual behavior or they risk losing large numbers of the base. I've noticed that Sharpton and Jackson have exhibited more outrage over Imus's remarks than any of the ladies on the Rutgers team - and neither of these concerned civil rights champions has personally contacted anyone connected to the team. It's almost as if the angry protest machine takes on a life of its own - whether the Rutgers women are aboard or not.

Don Imus has been suspended from CBS radio and MSNBC for two weeks beginning April 16. It is not a "slap on the wrist", it is a wake-up "kick in the ass" for Imus who is too invested personally and in the lives of his staff, both on and off the air, to leave broadcasting in this way at this time. The Rutgers women's team was apparently unfamiliar with Don Imus before this incident pushed them together in the national spotlight. In the segregated cultures of America, it is possible for most black folks to be unaware of an Imus and for most white folks to be unaware of Tom Joyner. The Rutgers women's team has selected two of their members to have a private dialogue with Imus, to listen to his apology, and to discuss his promise to make amends by trying to lead by example, more than he has to date. And they will decide whether to accept or reject the Imus apology.


THE RACIAL LANDSCAPE

The comments in question are indefensible in any context and from anyone's wagging tongue. Imus acknowledges that he regrets the remarks because they were not only hurtful, but because they were stupid. He doesn't beg, but he petitions for a chance to be heard, to tell everyone that he knew better but let slip a cheap, stupid shot at a team of remarkable young women athletes. The only comparison that leaps readily to mind for me is Rush Limbaugh, another radio personality who is essentially a shock-jock and a comedian, although he postures as a "journalist". The difference between Imus and Limbaugh is the right-wing pundit always rises up in a defensive posture as wounded by criticisms and expressing outrage that "liberals" are mischaracterizing his hateful, racist rhetoric. Limbaugh does not apologize to anyone.

In light of the chasm that separates the black experience from what is often referred to as white, this incident once again raises the question of how does "Political Correctness" affect all of us and is the PC standard a level landscape or does it tilt more for some than for others? I believe that any understanding of the difference between what a black comedian can get away with what a white comedian might say and get nailed for must examine the chasm that separates the worlds in which most black folks grow and live from where most white folks live. As long as that real, palpable cultural divide exists, what's funny coming out of a black humorists mouth will often be verboten for a white comic. Sociologists can explain that it has to do with "in-groups" and "out-groups". The minority whose common touchstones are all from places and experiences that the white majority can only experience second-hand, in books, films, and entertainment is not about to give permission to draw from the same reservoir of humor to someone who hasn't lived what he or she has lived. (It's likely that most of the loudest protesters calling for Imus to be fired have rarely or never watched his program).

Look at the few white Americans who have attained icon status among black Americans -Abraham Lincoln, Eleanor Roosevelt, JFK and Bobby Kennedy and Bill Clinton. Acceptance among black Americans is not usually extended to just any white person. One must earn their trust by demonstrating an awareness of the history between whites and blacks in America and a consistent passion to finally resolve that history. If Imus's apology is not generally accepted in the black community, perhaps it's because they find apologies suspect, even though apologies are not all that forthcoming from whites in the establishment or from those living and working alongside black folks. HELLO!! The white majority establishment cannot even come to terms with apologizing for slavery! Is it any wonder that there is a separate black experience where children grow into adults who shun so many of the things we take for granted in the "mainstream"?

Race is the greatest single problem in America. Unless and until we're all consciously sharing the same experience, white comedians will be expected to leave the race-specific "street" language and trash talk to the black stand-ups and hip-hop artists. I just hope Imus and his homies "get it". He's a good man who said a terrible thing, not out of malice or hate, but from stupidity.

P.O.E.T.S. - 040707 || WE SPELL IT "OESTRE"... "MY SWEET LORD"... DAMN BUNNIES... STRONG WOMEN... "OMEN: MARY'S BABY"... NANCY'S MIDDLE EAST TOUR... BENITO GIULIANI IN DRAG... "WALNUTS" McCAIN'S WALK ON THE WILD SIDE... PURPLE HEARTS... JOHNNY HART...

APRIL 7, 2ôô7

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Check out the new blog - Rev. Art's Atheist Pin-Ups!

PURPLE HEARTS BOOK - DEVASTATING!





JOHNNY HART - "B.C.", "WIZARD OF ID" CARTOONIST UPDATE: ALBANY, N.Y. (AP) - Cartoonist Johnny Hart, whose award-winning "B.C." comic strip appeared in more than 1,300 newspapers worldwide, died saturday, April 7. He was 76. "He had a stroke," his wife, Bobby, said Sunday. "He died at his storyboard." Hart met Brant Parker, a young cartoonist who became a prime influence and co-creator with Hart of the "Wizard of Id" comic strip. He won numerous awards for his work, including the National Cartoonist Society's prestigious Reuben Award twice for Cartoonist of the Year. Later in his career, some of Hart's cartoons had religious themes, a reflection of his own Christian faith. That sometimes led to controversy. A strip published on Easter in 2001 drew protests from Jewish groups and led several newspapers to drop the strip. The cartoon depicted a menorah transforming into a cross, with accompanying text quoting some of Jesus Christ's dying words. Critics said it implied that Christianity supersedes Judaism. Hart said he intended the strip as a tribute to both faiths. A spokesperson for the syndicate said "B.C." and "Wizard of Id" would continue.

Tony Scott (85) distinguished jazz clarinetist who in the '50s helped to
steer his instrument out of the swing era and into the sax-infested waters
of bebop. Over the years, Scott ranged through bebop and what today would be
called New Age and world music. He died of prostate cancer in Rome, Italy on
March 28, 2007.

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John Cameron Swayze would be 101. He was picked in 1949 to host NBC's first television newscast, the fifteen-minute Camel News Caravan. He read items from the news wires and periodically interviewed newsmakers, but he's remembered best for his two breezy catch-phrases: "Let's go hopscotching around the world for headlines," and his somewhat cartoonish sign-off: "That's the story, folks---glad we could get together." He was also a popular game show panelist and a long-time TIMEX pitchman ("Takes a lickin', keeps on tickin').


Muddy Waters (RN: McKinley Morganfield) (April 4, 1915 - April 30, 1983),
would be 92. He was an American blues musician and is generally considered
"the father of Chicago blues". He is also the actual father of blues musician Big Bill Morganfield. Muddy Waters is generally considered one of the greatest bluesmen of all time, and in 2004 he was ranked #17 in Rolling Stone Magazine's list of the 100 Greatest Artists of All Time.


Billie Holiday (RN: Eleanora Fagan )(April 7, 1915 - July 17, 1959) would be 92. "Lady Day" was an American singer known equally for her difficult life and her emotive, poignant singing voice. Holiday has long been considered one of the greatest jazz voices of all time, the touchstone for Dinah Washington, Dakota Staton, Little Esther and Etta James.

Gale Storm (RN:Josephine Owaissa Cottle) (85) is an American actress/singer. From 1952 to 1955, My Little Margie, co-starring former silent film actor Charles Farrell and originally a summer replacement for I Love Lucy, ran for 126 episodes and was immediately followed by The Gale Storm Show (aka Oh! Susanna), featuring another silent movie staple, ZaSu Pitts, that ran for 143 episodes between 1956 and 1960. Both programs later became local television station staples, shown countless times in reruns. Her first record, "I Hear You Knockin'" (a cover version of a rhythm and blues hit by Smiley Lewis, sold over a million copies. It was followed in 1957 by the haunting ballad of lost love, "Dark Moon" that went to No. 4 on the Billboard Hot 100. She also charted with Memories Are Made of This, a cover of Dean Martin's signature hit, and "Why do Fools Fall In Love", a cover of the Frankie Lymon hit.


Shecky Greene (RN: Sheldon Greenfield) (81) is a comedian known for his performances on The Ed Sullivan TV Show and as a nightclub headliner in Las Vegas for more than 30 years. He has appeared in several films, including History of the World, Part I and Splash, and has guest starred on such television shows as Mad About You, Laverne & Shirley, and Love, American
Style.


Country-folk singer-songwriter (Robert Joseph) Bobby Bare (72) was born in Ironton, Ohio). His first hit in 1960 was the novelty tune "All-American Boy" recorded in a Dayton deejay's basement while he was fronting a band at The 6305, (a biker bar where Da Rev played with The Underdogs in the late '60s). Bobby had a slew of hits - Detroit City, Come sundown, Please Don't Tell Me How The Story Ends, That's How I Got to Memphis, Marie LeVeau, more. He later took chances, recording strange, controversial material as "Dropkick Me Jesus (Through The Goalposts Of Life)" (a 1976 Grammy nominee) and the expletive-driven "Redneck Hippie Romance" with much success.


Merle Ronald Haggard (70) is an American country music singer, guitarist and songwriter. Emerging from prison in the 1960s, The Okie from Muscogee (Okla) was one of the early innovators of the Bakersfield Sound. By the 1970s, he was aligned with the growing outlaw country movement, and has continued to release successful albums through the 1990s and into the 2000s. His work in familiar country themes - jail, betrayal, drinking and wandering - include a directness that reflects his own life experience. His deep, grumbling voice and his guitar work gives his country a blues-like quality in many cuts.




Keep in mind what Jesus promised:
If you believe, you will receive whatever you ask for in prayer. [Matthew
21:21]
If you ask anything in my name, I will do it. [John 14:14]
Ask, and it will be given you. [Matthew 7:7]
Nothing will be impossible to you. [Matthew 17:20]
Believe that you have received it, and it will be yours. [Mark 11:24]

There is no indication from Jesus that amputees will be ignored when they pray for medical help. The fact is, all five of these statements are completely false in the case of amputees. No matter how many people pray, no matter how often they pray, no matter how sincere they are, no matter how much they believe, no matter how deserving the amputee, what we know is that prayers do not inspire God to regenerate amputated legs. This happens despite what Jesus promises us in Matthew 21:21, John 14:14, Mark 11:24,
etc. ["Why God Won't Heal Amputees"]

"People go to church for the same reasons they go to a tavern: to stupefy themselves, to forget their misery, to imagine themselves, for a few minutes anyway, free and happy."
[Mikhail Bakunin]

"Just as the right to speak and the right to refrain from speaking are complementary components of a broader concept of individual freedom of mind, so also the individual's freedom to choose his own creed is the counterpart of his right to refrain from accepting the creed established by the majority."  [SCOTUS Justice John Paul Stevens]

"One man's religion is another man's belly laugh."  [Robert A. Heinlein]

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Welcome to our humble abode in Metro Fairborn, where old hunters never die. Technically, we just stay loaded.


All proceeds from this week's STAND-UP are going to fund important research into a rare but devastating malady, "Sneezing Veins"!

(Are we live or on tape?)

Thanks t' Wonkette: Happy Easter, everybody! This is the time of year when Our Christian Nation celebrates the execution of the Middle Eastern insurgent Jesus Al Christ with an ancient pagan fertility festival named for the goddess Eostre.


The two most precious Christian symbols of this holiest of weekends are the
bunny rabbit - because all it does is fuck and eat - and the painted egg,
which reminds us of where all that sperm is headed. President Bush honors
our national paganism each spring with a symbolic "egg hunt" in which
children (the eventual product all that human sperm) run about the lawn
looking for eggs or Barney's poops.


"Everyone who wants in the picture gather on this side of the table!"


"MY SWEET LORD!" The Roger Smith Hotel in New York exhibited a life-size Chocolate Jesus in
its art gallery on Sunday. The story made headlines. When Mel Gibson heard
about the exhibit he drove immediately to the nearest Starbucks and ordered
a whipped chocolate.


Click here for a yummy bunny stew, a Blessed Easter Card, more!


HEY! What do you call the savior of social outcasts?
The pariah messiah!!


Our entertainment today is the ALL-MIDGET FIDDLE ORCHESTRA OF ASHTABULA - WE
GOT 'EM FOR HALF-PRICE!


T'day over at the buffet we're servin' your favorite antebellum foods - Mrs.
Butterworth`s Syrup, Uncle Ben`s Converted Rice, Aunt Jemima`s Pancakes, and, Shut My Mouf, black-eyed peas. So sorry, the sorghum's rancid.


Tigress Xinta is seen with one of her cubs at the Hongshan Forest Zoo in Nanjing, Jiangsu province April 5, 2007. The eight-year-old tigress has given birth to 27 cubs since 2001, Xinhua News Agency reported. (Photo by Sean Yong)

I know some o' the assembled here are Rethuglickins. That's OK, I think you should remain anonymous. I'd just like to say that if you think picking on a mother with terminal cancer is funny - you are the BIG PUSSY!


Are we THERE yet?


Half a mind is a terrible thing to waste.

Monkeys, midgets and bathroom humor are the undisputed triumvirate of man humor, but why isn't there a cable channel for it yet?


CHEESES! So far our 16-year-old kitty Sylvia has dodged the
melamine-contaminated gluten bullet! Y' know it's tricky goin' through a
list of 468 cat food brands to try to find something' that's safe to feed
her. I keep telling' 'er - Sylvie, you're lucky you have us to do this for you - so far.


I'll be glad when they get this pet food thing cleared up - I haven't had any Tender Vittles for lunch for almost a month!

I'm very observant when I open any processed foods lately - I found a digital watch in a box of Velveeta. No, I didn't report it.

NEW EVERY DAY - 'TOONS FROM gaping void - 1/2 way down the left sidebar...

Even chubbed-up and bald I would still SO do Britney.



A study shows more workplace stress than ever before. Hey, tell me about it.
When I worked at a radio station the boss lady had a nervous breakdown -
which wasn't so bad with the background music and all.


All right, you degenerates! Da Pagan Baby want this place evacuated in 20 seconds!

DOUG FEITH - THE DUMBEST FUCKING GUY ON THE PLANET!

OMEN: DAMIEN. uh-uh. DICK II

We have it on good authority that the Veep's future grandson will be named
Richard, as he is actually the successful result of a terrifying Boys From
Brazil-esque cloning project.

He will be Dick Cheney in every way but one: he shall be even more powerful. Mary Cheney was merely a convenient host for the Vice President's terrifying embryonic double.


There's growing evidence that American Idol sensation Sanjaya Malakar and
Decision 2008 sensation Barry Hussein Obama are the same person. If it's not
obvious that "Sanjaya" (right) is the same dude as Obama (left), here are
some other striking similarities:
Both are accused of being all style and no substance.
Both are far better looking than normal Americans and the normal fugly
contestants in their respective fields.
Both are "really cute kid[s] with a unique look and an incredibly dreamy
smile that can get thirty 12-year old girls to vote a million times apiece
on speed dial."
Both are competing in a "silly, fun, really well-produced talent competition
and you never quite know what's going to happen."
Both will end up outrageously rich, whether they win the talent show or not.


Mitt Romney's cult is just naturally good at raising money, knocking on
doors in short sleeved dress shirts.

Comedian Argus Hamilton
Hillary Clinton led all Democrats in first-quarter fundraising Monday.
However, John Edwards leads the polls in Iowa and is surging in New Hampshire. Meanwhile, Barack Obama found another slave owner in his family tree and surged five points in South Carolina.


The U.S. Senate passed a war funding bill last week that includes a timeline
to exit Iraq exactly one year from now. The president says what the Democrats are doing would cause chaos in Iraq. Under the doctrine of separation of powers, that's his job.


Tony Blair announced the release Wednesday of the fifteen British sailors
seized by Iran. The crisis with Iran was settled without a shot being fired or a war declared. President Bush is beginning to wonder if anything is ever going to go right.

Heathrow Airport in London erupted in cheers Thursday when the fifteen British sailors landed in a British Airways flight from Iran. They were flown home business class. It's a courtesy given by the airline to everyone who works for the oil industry.



Prime Minister Tony Blair welcomed home fifteen British sailors Thursday
after two weeks of captivity in Iran. It's a miracle. They were released after Britain and Iran engaged in diplomacy, or as it is known in the Bush
Administration, women's work.


Jake Novak's Blogspot
House Speaker Nancy Pelosi says she raised the issue of Saudi Arabia's lack
of women at the highest levels of the Saudi government. King Abdullah responded by offering Pelosi the option of becoming one of his wives.


House Speaker Nancy Pelosi says she raised the issue of Saudi Arabia's lack
of female politicians with Saudi government officials on the last stop of
her Mideast tour. The Saudis responded that they'll get right on that, as soon as they're finished killing everyone who isn't a Muslim.

President Bush flew Wednesday to Fort Irwin, located halfway between Los
Angeles and Las Vegas. It's geographically the ideal place for any president to recruit White House aides. One town is where nobody tells the truth, and the other town is where nobody talks at all.


The White House gave John Kerry's campaign nemesis Sam Fox, who funded the
Swift Boat Veterans, a recess appointment to Belgium on Wednesday. Nothing
ever changes. John Kerry insisted he was for the appointment before he was against the appointment.



House Speaker Nancy Pelosi visited a mosque in Syria in Saudi Arabia and wore a headscarf to show her respect. She was shown a lot of respect herself. In the Arab world, whoever is third in line to the throne is usually the chief
suspect in the assassination.


Rudy Giuliani said last week his wife Judi would be welcome to attend his
cabinet meetings. She won't let him out of her sight. By now everyone in
America knows that Rudy Giuliani met his third wife while cheating on his first wife with his second wife.

Jake Novak's Blogspot
Florida 3-Peat?
Florida has repeated as the NCAA men's basketball champ, and it could win
three in a row next season since none of its stars are graduating this year.
Actually, no Florida basketball stars have graduated since 1964.

MORE from Argus:
Florida beat Ohio State to capture the NCAA men's basketball championship
Monday in Atlanta. Three months ago, Florida beat Ohio State to win the
college football title. These two states have a long rivalry in football,
basketball and election fraud.


The Masters began Thursday at Augusta National Golf Club. This week the
rough was allowed to grow to a new record height and the greens are mowed so low you can't stop a putt. The Mexicans have joined the Iranians in taking the Anglo-Saxons hostage.


Purina recalled Alpo and Del Monte recalled Gravy Train last week as the tainted pet food crisis spread. Some of the safety warnings aren't credible. John McCain said that whatever you feed your dog, you'd be perfectly safe
walking him in Baghdad.

The Radio and Television Correspondents dinner was held last week in Washington D.C. It's a chance for the bigwigs to mingle. After the first round of drinks the president of CBS News went up to Alberto Gonzales and
asked him to fire Katie Couric.

ONE OF THE BABES OF "GRINDHOUSE" - CARLA GUGINO IN QUENTIN TARENTINO-ROBERT RODRIGEZ HOMAGE TO EXPLOITATION THRILLERS - Opened this weekend!

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Let's start with a joke that is older than I am -
Just inside the gates of heaven, St. Peter sits at a desk checking people
in.
Peter: "Welcome to heaven. What religion?"
The man at the front of the line says, "Lutheran."
Glancing at his clipboard, Peter says, "Room 33. Be very quiet as you pass
room 6."
The process repeats itself with the next person in line:
Peter: "Welcome to heaven. What religion?"
Person #2: "Catholic."
Peter: "Room 17. Be very quiet as you pass room 6."
The next person moves to the front of the line with a look of curiosity on
her face.
Peter: "Welcome to heaven. What religion?"
Person #3: "Methodist."
Peter: "Room 54. Be very quiet as you pass room 6."
Person #3: "Why do you keep telling us to be quiet as we pass room 6?"
Peter: "Because the Baptists are in room 6, and they think they're the only ones here."


STRONG WOMAN COPERTINA

Al Gore and Bill and Hillary Clinton go to heaven, and God addresses Al
first. ''Al, what do you believe in?''
Al replies: "Well, I believe that I won that election, but that it was your
will that I did not serve. And I've come to understand that now.''
God thinks for a second and says: "Very good. Come and sit at my left.''
God then addresses Bill. "Bill, what do you believe in?''
Bill Replies: "I believe in forgiveness. I've sinned, but I've never held a
grudge against my fellow man, and I hope no grudges are held against me.''
God thinks for a second and says: "You are forgiven, my son. Come and sit at
my right.''
Then God addresses Hillary. "Hillary, what do you believe in?''
She replies: "I believe you're in my fucking chair.''


RIPPING - KATHY JOHANNSON

A man is stumbling through the woods totally drunk when he comes upon a preacher baptizing people in the river. The drunk walks into the water and subsequently bumps into the preacher. The preacher turns around and is
almost overcome by the smell of booze. Whereupon he asks the drunk, "Are you
ready to find Jesus?"

"Yes I am" replies the drunk, so the preacher grabs him and dunks him in the
river.

He pulls him up and asks the drunk, "Brother have you found Jesus?"

The drunk replies, "No, I haven't."

The preacher, shocked at the answer,
dunks him into the water again, but for a bit longer this time. He pulls him
out of the water and asks again, "Have you found Jesus, my brother?"

The drunk again answers, "No, I have not found Jesus."

By this time the preacher is at his wits end so he dunks the drunk in the
water again, but this time he holds him down for about 30 seconds. When the drunk begins kicking his arms and legs, the preacher pulls him up.
The preacher asks the drunk again, "For the love of God, have you found
Jesus?"

The drunk wipes his eyes and catches his breath and says to the preacher,
"Are you sure this is where he fell in?"


ROSELYN SANCHEZ - "Without A Trace"

The priest was preparing a man for his long day's journey into night. Whispering firmly, the priest said, "Denounce the devil! Let him know how
little you think of his evil!"
The dying man said nothing.
The priest repeated his advice. Still the dying man said nothing.
The priest asked, "Why do you refuse to denounce the devil and his evil?"
The dying man said, "Until I know where I'm heading, I don't think I ought to piss anybody off!!"


How are some women like tornado's ?
They first come at you wet and wild and then in the end take your house and ever'thin' y'got!


Dennis once dated a girl who was a magician. Every time she put her hand on
his leg he turned into a motel.
Da Pagan baby bought satin sheets for our anniversary, and I didn't get a
wink of sleep... I kept slidin' outta bed all night!


MOVIE STAR VIRGINIA PATTON

Good fortune. COMMENT!! Please spread the meme. Don't smoke in bed...