MINISTER OF RANTS

DA REV'S NEMESIS...

P.O.E.T.S. - 051907 || AS SUNG TO HILLARY... FALWELL'S LEGACY... RETHUGLICKIN' CANDIDATES... WOLFIE WON'T COME OUT... OHIO STRIPPER LAW... NUDISTS AND NEWTON'S LAW... HILLARY SEWS UP PORN CONSTITUTENCY... 400-LB GORILLA... CENSORSHIP-PROOF RADIO?!?... DDT

 

MAY 19, 2ôô7

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Check out Rev. Art's Atheist Pin-Ups!

BAD NEWS; GOOD NEWS…

This week Bo Diddley, the legendary blues shouter-rock guitar icon suffered a stroke following a performance - affecting his left side, speech and voice recognition; he’s improving and the docs think he’ll return to performing soon.
Bo knows Diddley. He’s 78.

Yolanda Denise King (51) eldest child of civil rights leader Rev. Martin Luther King Jr. As an actress, Yolanda King appeared in numerous films and played Rosa Parks in the TV miniseries King (1978). She also appeared as civil rights leader Medgar Evers’ widow in Ghosts of Mississippi (1996) and founded a production company called Higher Ground Productions. She was also an author and advocate for peace and nonviolence. She died in Santa Monica, California, possibly owing to a heart problem, on May 15, 2007. Life in Legacy

Jake Novak said: “Apparently she went into cardiac arrest every time someone in the news media would compare her father to Al Sharpton.”

FALWELL'S LEGACY

The Right Reverend Jerry Falwell (73) was a prominent horse’s ass and media ‘ho. The beloved entertainer proved that you can get away with anything under the rubric of Reverend. Witness Reverend Pat Robertson, Reverend Al Sharpton…


G’bye big fat dead racist bag o’ shit Jerry. So long, Fundie.


Argus Hamilton noted: The Republican Party hosted a presidential candidates debate in South Carolina on Fox News Tuesday. It began respectfully. "In honor of Jerry Falwell's passing, before the debate started all ten candidates stood and observed a moment of homophobia."  Foolwell Croaks




James McEachin (77) is an enormously likable character actor with an everyman quality about him. He played in one of Da Rev’s fave PI shows - TENAFLY, for Harry Tenafly, who was what most television PIs weren't - a happily married, middle-class family man with no interest in violence, beautiful women or baffling crimes. Needless to say, trouble couldn't stay away from him.

The character and the series stood in sharp contrast to the other series about an African-American private eye that debuted that same season -- SHAFT. In fact, the producers may not have conceived the character as black; McEachin just happened to be the actor who embodied the qualities they wanted. Only four 90-minute episodes were produced as part of NBC's Mystery Movie wheel. McEachin deserved better.


Country singer George Harvey Strait (55), is a native Texan, known for his honky tonk country western sound…the "King of Country"… a living legend. He is well known for his unique style of western swing music. A member of the Country Music Hall of Fame, Strait has been nominated for more CMA awards than any other artist. He holds the record for most Number 1 songs on Billboard Country Music charts, and has had more albums certified gold or platinum in the United States than any other country artist and only Elvis Presley and The Beatles have more overall. Wikipedia


Rosa Maria "Rosie" Perez (44) is an Academy Award-nominated Puerto-Rican-American actor, dancer, choreographer and director. She started her career as a dancer on Soul Train and has choreographed music videos by Bobby Brown, Diana Ross, LL Cool J and The Boys. She was the choreographer for the dancing group, the Fly Girls, who were featured on every performance of In Living Color, a 1990s television variety series. Perez was noticed in a dance club by Spike Lee, who hired her for her first acting role in Lee's Do the Right Thing. Wikipedia




"A growing culture of radical secularism declares that the nation cannot profess the truths on which it was founded. We are told that our public schools can no longer invoke the creator, nor proclaim the natural law nor profess the God-given quality of human rights.

In hostility to American history, the radical secularists insist that religious belief is inherently divisive and that public debate can only proceed on secular terms."
[Numbnuts Newt Gingrich, eulogizing Foolwell and running for president]

"The point is that we are frightened of mysteries. Neat solutions are comforting. They imply that human emotions and experiences are orderly and rational. But if we are honest with ourselves and take a non-defensive look at our lives, we can plainly see that humankind is capable of rationality, but it’s not our first instinct."
[Critic Barry Ronge, finding explanation for the VT shooting rampage in the play Equus]

Just one armed student in the first classroom Cho entered could have ended this tragedy before it became a tragedy. But because the (gun-fearing wussies) think that we’re not to be trusted with the responsibility of owning guns, We The Sheep, when confronted by a wolf, must wait for the shepherd to leave the donut shop and get to the pasture, rather than deal with the wolf ourselves. That’s not how a society of free people operates.
[Kim du Toit] Also see: Nation of Riflemen

"We have a Congress. We have an independent judiciary. We have checks and balances. We are a nation of laws. We have free speech. We have a free press. Why have they all failed us?"
[Al Gore, in his new book, "The Assault on Reason,"]

“He's in the dirt, right where his fat ass belongs.” [BARTCOP, commenting on “Falwell’s in a better place.”]

"They looked like the evil law firm in a John Grisham movie."
[Letterman on the GOP debate]

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WELL HOWDY, REV’LERS!

Welcome to our uncommonly common abode in Metro Fairborn, Ohio and THE STAND-UP.


PLEASE!! PLEASE contribute all you can during THE STAND-UP today. Medical researchers are just SO close to finding the cure for Pig's Glandular Heat!


Welcome, all you party animals - and Elaine (she’s a party vegetable).


Fairborn has no strippers. However, we have one toothless hooker who lives in her Datsun parked on Central Avenue. When in Fairborn, you are just 7 miles from a private all-nude strip club, sans alcohol, in Medway.

Ohio lawmakers passed the ridiculous “no-touching” law this week, though I’m countin’ on our Governor to veto it. Taking no chances, the Rethuglickin-Religious-Right-pandering state legislature gave the Cleveland Cavalier cheerleaders an exemption. They may perform for the big tippers, but only in the VIP room.


I see where nudist orgs are tryin’ to recruit some younger members. For some reason, just when we think sex is flashing our collective consciousness 24/7, when nudity is almost obligatory in motion pictures, and mainstream actresses and models pose in the buff in magazine centerfolds - for some reason, the members at this formerly Puritan nation’s nudist camps is declining and skewing OLD - a walking testament to Newton's law of gravity.

I hope someone is able to get to the bottom of this.
Da Rev promises to keep you abreast of breaking news.
You can’t pin anything on a nudist…


There used to be a nudist camp in Indiana where there was a $50. Fine for jittering. I was never interested. The members played a lot of sports. It wasn’t pretty.


Hillary’s website has a list of potential campaign songs that we can all check and vote for our favorites. The choices: Unfortunately - there are some obvious choices that are not on the list:

"Devil with a Blue Dress" - Mitch Ryder & The Detroit Wheels
"D-I-V-O-R-C-E" - Tammy Wynette
"Backdoor Man" - The Doors
"Lipstick on Your Collar" - Connie Francis
"She Swallowed It" - N.W.A.
"Baby got back" - Sir Mix-a-lot
"Cold as Ice" - Foreigner

Da Rev is disappointed. Where’s “Simply the Best” - by Tina Turner?


You’re familiar with the term “swing voters” - folks who may not be affiliated with a particular political party (independents) or who will vote across party lines. With the endorsement of Hillary Clinton for President from porn artiste Jenna Jameson this week, (the Hillary campaign has posted this endorsement on their site) we may need to be on the look-out for SWINGER voters!


This week a 400-lb. gorilla escaped from his compound at a zoo and terrorized patrons. And he bit a woman before attendants could tranquilize him. Take it from Da Rev - If you are about to be attacked by a wild gorilla and you do not know gorilla sign-language, the first thing you should do is give them a head butt. Then grab their tail and pull hard. Once the tail is pulled, they see you as the master. WORD: Practice this with a dog whose tail has been clipped to become proficient prior attempting to subjugate gorillas.


I’ve been thinking that I should get a receiver when Sirius & XM merge so I can listen to uncensored radio. What? They censor themselves? Opie & Anthony have been suspended from XM-radio for 30 days!?! I am definitely re-thinking the satellite radio thing.


Let’s see - Imus was fired. JV & Elvis (SHOWN) originally did their "shlimp flied lice" thing before Imus was fired - JV & Elvis were fired after the REBROADCAST! Nobody complained about it until a rerun aired, after Imus was fired. But that's probably just a coincidence, huh?


Now O & A (SHOWN) are suspended. And the FCC is nowhere and in no way involved. Who's next? Who's going to have something they said taken completely out of context and snapped up by one special-interest group or another, and lose their livelihoods over it? If you think this is only about Imus and them, you need to get REAL!

DO NOT PISS OFF AL SHARKTONGUE! 

Subscribers are canceling their subscriptions to XM by the hundreds or tens of thousands (based on which account you read). As I said, I don't subscribe to satellite radio, so I can't do much to help the protest. I could subscribe, then call back and cancel…


Final thought: in BIZARRO WORLD AMERIKA you can get on the internet and watch Japanese shitporn for FREE, but you can't PAY to listen to Opie & Anthony.


Illinois is bracing itself for the seventeen-year return of the Cicada bugs. They come in waves and chirp mating songs, then they reproduce and go underground. As long as they hide in the Catholic Church, no one can do a thing about them.

If you’re balding - look at it as getting’ more head…





THE LOVELY ROBIN QUIVERS

True story, a cable installer told me he knew who really killed JFK. The guy's uncle was a big shot in the C.I.A. and told him, but he would be killed if he told me the name. Said he didn't have a phone because it would be bugged and couldn't keep a job because "they" were always looking for him. After he left I locked all the doors and wrapped my head in tinfoil. Also, every time he bent over... Never mind. Thanks to Greg Gutfeld

What do you think of the DDT question? You don’t think? OK. Who is responsible for more deaths?

A. Hitler
B. Stalin
C. Mao
D. Rachel Carson

I can't think of any song by The Who without visualizing David Caruso posturing with his sunglasses.


In parting, I would remind you that you are only young once - but it may take a lifetime to outgrow immaturity.
































Ron Paul may be the Dennis Kucinich of the Republican presidential wanna-bes, but he was probably right on when he blamed the WTC attack on blowback dating back to when the meddling USA installed the Shah in Iran. Ol’ cross-dressin’, stern-faced Rudy retorted, "I don't think I've ever heard that before, and I've heard some pretty absurd explanations for Sept. 11." Then he called for Dr. Paul to withdraw the comment. Paul didn’t withdraw a word. Point to Paul! Rudy & the rest of the lot are a bunch of blow-dried fanatical blowhards.


Most of the presidential candidates are wealthy. For many of them most of their wealth comes from “Speaker’s Fees”. Bullshit. That’s MONEY-LAUNDERING!


Representative Duncan Hunter, Republican of California, reported assets worth hundreds of thousands of dollars but also said he owed more than $30,000 in car loans and more than $75,000 in credit card debt. His was the only disclosure form to be filled out in handwriting. DUNCAN HUNTER what's in your wallet?!


Al Gore: ‘I’m Carbon Neutral Because I Sh*t All the Carbon I Eat’
Story


Comedian Argus Hamilton
Pope Benedict flew to Brazil Wednesday where he angrily warned Roman Catholics there against joining evangelical churches. This pope loves flying down to Rio. It is sunny and it's warm and it gives him a chance to hook up with his old army buddies.


John Edwards released his financial disclosure statement Thursday, revealing he is worth thirty million dollars. All the presidential candidates are very wealthy. The first thing Iowans always notice when they shake their hands is how soft they are.


The immigration reform bill that was announced Thursday creates a separate guest-worker program for farm workers that makes it a crime to quit and take a better job. It's the same deal we offered blacks. If you want to stay here you have to be slaves first.


PAUL WOLFOWITZ ALWAYS LICKS HIS COMB BEFORE HE USES IT

GOP candidate Ron Paul ignited the Republican debate Tuesday by suggesting the World Trade Center attack was caused by U.S. policy in Iraq. Government lawyers went over the policy very carefully. Everything we've done to Iraq is perfectly legal in hockey.


Republican maverick Ron Paul stunned Fox News anchors Tuesday when he won the post-presidential debate viewer poll. He declared his opposition to the Iraq war by saying history proves Republicans are elected to end wars, not start them. The next morning, Dick Cheney couldn't explain to hotel management who shot his television set.


GOP presidential candidate Mitt Romney told CBS' 60 Minutes on Sunday that he didn't engage in premarital sex. It hardly qualifies him for sainthood. They get married so young in Utah that he wasn't even interested in girls until his fourth anniversary.


















Greg Gutfeld

Sarah Silverman, 36, gives a revealing and sensitive interview in the June issue of Maxim -- a magazine that usually only reveals women's private parts... She’s one of Maxim SEXY 100 for 2007... Comedy Central airs “The Sarah Silverman Show” which has given us the funniest line from a comedienne, period: she begged off helping a friend move 'cuz "she stubbed her vagina!"


Jake Novak's Humor Blog
Keith's Book
Keith Richards is trying to sell his autobiography for a reported $5 million... a shocking sum considering the fact that he doesn't remember anything.


More Argus
Paris Hilton's jail sentence was cut in half on Thursday. The same day, medical researchers discovered that herpes protects people from bubonic plague. The mayor of Los Angeles issued a statement warning that all days are not going to be this good.


Paris Hilton revealed that she is taking karate lessons in Beverly Hills so she can protect herself inside jail. Her incarceration day is two weeks away. She will be taken inside, strip searched and photographed, or as she calls it, dating.


Paris Hilton was reported to be taking karate lessons so she can defend herself when she enters Los Angeles County Jail. She's a natural at the sport. She broke three boards in two last night and those were just the slats under her mattress.


Jamie Langridge won the fifty thousand dollar first prize in the Rock Paper Scissors tournament in Las Vegas Sunday. The game's popularity is growing. It's how the war czar's going to decide disputes between the Pentagon, the State Department and Congress.


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A lovely young virgin named Lynn
Once said about fucking, "It's sin."
But a fellow named Tang,
With a twenty-inch wang,
Made her cry to the heavens, "It's in!"


ROSIE PEREZ

There was a young lady whose thighs,
When spread showed a slit of such size,
And so deep and so wide,
You could play cards inside---
Much to her bridegroom's surprise.


There was a young lady of fashion
Who had oodles and oodles of passion.
To her lover she said,
As they climbed into bed,
"Here's one thing the bastards can't ration!"


A whore grown too old to get laid
Turned parfumeuse, finding it paid
To concoct Fleur de Floozie
From the juice of her coosie
(Substantial discount to the trade).


ACTOR-SINGER GINA GERSHON

Good fortune. COMMENT!! Please spread the meme. Don’t smoke in bed…

P.O.E.T.S. - 051207 || AL SHARKTONGUE VS. ROMNEY, THE ANTICHRIST... RON PAUL'S STEALTH WEB CAMPAIGN... PARIS WHEN SHE FIZZLES... "JIHADI BARNEY"?... CLEARWATER'S SMOKIN'... TAMMY FAYE'S NOT DEAD YET... FIRST AMENDMENT?!... GLOBAL WARNING: GREEN GANG GREEN

MAY 12, 2ôô7


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Check out Rev. Art's Atheist Pin-Ups!


Tony Blair's OTHER Fucked-Up Legacy:
WHO IS CELEBRATING THIS PARTITION OF IRELAND - Certainly not Irish Republicans

AND
"WHY HAVE THE IRISH REPUBLICANS SOLD A HORSE
- and bought a saddle?!"

HAPPY MOTHER'S DAY!

Do You Hate Your Mother as Much as Jesus Hated His?
A Biblical Approach to Mother's Day.
AND a downloadable approved Christian Mother's Day Card
CLICK HERE:


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UNSUBSCRIBED

(Big) Joe Duskin (86) boogie-woogie piano man known for playing the blues with an upbeat spirit. Duskin's style mixed elements of the blues, jazz, ragtime, and stride piano. His playing time had fallen off in recent years as he battled diabetes. He was scheduled to have his legs amputated on May 14 but died of diabetes in Cincinnati, Ohio on May 6, 2007.

Carey Bell (70) distinctive Chicago blues harmonica player who performed with both Muddy Waters and Willie Dixon. Bell died of heart failure in Chicago, Illinois on May 6, 2007.



Morton Lyon Sahl (Mort Sahl) (80) (born in Montreal, Quebec, Canada) is an American comedian and actor. He is credited with pioneering a style of stand-up comedy that paved the way for Lenny Bruce, Nichols & May and Dick Gregory. He also wrote speeches for John F. Kennedy. (Sahl's father was an FBI Administrator.)

Harvey Keitel (68) is a prolific Academy Award-nominated leading and character actor, the son of Jewish immigrants. His major roles include: Charlie Cappa in Mean Streets, Jerry Bartowski in Blue Collar, Winston Wolf in Pulp Fiction, George Baines in The Piano, Judas Iscariot in The Last Temptation of Christ, Mr. White in Reservoir Dogs, Mickey Cohen in Bugsy, "Sport" Matthew in Taxi Driver.

Donovan (Donovan Philips Leitch) (61) is a Scottish singer, songwriter, and guitarist. Emerging from the British folk scene, he developed an eclectic and distinctive style that blended folk, jazz, pop, psychedelia and world music.





"...a broken soul stares from a pair of watering eyes,
uncertain emotions force an uncertain smile..."
[The The,'80s pop group]

"The Irish and the Jews have separate cultures, but they share a psychosis."
[Brendan Behan] (See "Jews of Ireland")

President Bush's approval rating has dropped to an all-time low of 28%. Here's my question: Is 28% still technically an approval rating?
[Jay Leno]

"Cheney is in the Middle East. Over there, he's known as 'Lawrence of Arrhythmia'." [David Letterman]

"Either you believe in it (Freedom Of Speech) or you don't. Now, whether you agree with what Imus said or not, or found it funny, he had the right to say it. ***It has never been about what somebody calls you, it's what you answer to.*** And let's face it, he called them hoez, nappy-headed hoez, and they weren't hoez. But it was some nappy-headed women on that team. [laughter and groans from audience] Shut up, I'm gonna say it, I don't give a damn y'all like it or not, you know it's true. Them's some of the ugliest women I ever seen in my whole life."
[D. L. Hughley, proving that he could say what Imus could not]

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WELL HOWDY, REV'LERS!

Welcome to Metro Fairborn, Ohio, and THE STAND-UP!

Hey, relax, you're among friends - Tired, touchy, irritable, grouchy, grumpy, cranky friends. But friends.

Cogito Eggo Sum! (Uh... I think, therefore I waffle?)
 
Every stinking dime we can pry from you tight-fisted bastards this weekend is going to the Cleveland Clinic's Unholy Cenotaph Fever Research Project.

Happy Mother's Day!
I'm 3rd generation Irish-American on me sainted Mum's side. Hardly anybody on her side of the family could be described as mellow, and we are all certainly stubborn.

I think stubbornness is both a coping and a defense mechanism and me Mum asserted it was one of the most valuable fruits of the Holy Spirit (perseverance)!

When I was growin' up parents didn't believe in givin' their kids harsh laxatives - they BEAT the HOLY CRAP out of 'em!

What's this fucking land of the free, home of the brave, namby-pamby nanny state COMING to, People?!?

Radio & TV COMEDIANS are under scrutiny! Mike Wallace (89) asked Mitt Romney on "60 Minutes" if he and his wife had pre-marital sex, like that's a bad thing?!

The movie ratings board is going to consider portrayals of smoking as a criteria for rating a movie. George Carlin would have NO career if he were starting out in this time of intolerance in our society.

The biggest difference between The Right and The Left these days is their Sacred Cows.

Once more with feeling - It is up to US to decide what is acceptable, NOT Al Sharktongue!

I'd feel much better if one of the people running for president, preferably Hillary, but I'd settle for libertarian candidate Ron Paul to announce that Sacred Cows make the best hamburgers!

(BTW - Did you know Dr. Paul is the most-searched-for thing on Technorati, a site about blogs? Also nerd link sites, "Digg" & "Delicious"...)


POLITICS! What the hell difference does it make, left or right? There are good men on both sides that have ended up in prison!

If I were I were in Congress, I'd vote for no more laws except those which make the roads safer, the beer stronger, the booze cheaper, the old men and old women warmer in the winter… and everybody cool in the summer.

My take on Freedom of Religion is if you join up you deserve what they do to you.

URINALS WITH A VIEW!

Nappy-handled hoes are sale-priced at The Home Depot this weekend!


Speakin' of female sex workers, as we often do, Dan reminds us, "Sex for money usually costs a lot less. You're not paying for sex; you're paying her to leave!"


Hey, remember those old Dingo Boots ads Orenthal J. Simpson did back in the '70s? Jim Treacher sure does:

Irony of ironies:
The singing group The OJays had a big hit called "Backstabbers!"

A Jaguar cub stands next to its mother 'Kiara' at an enclosure in Berlin zoo May 11, 2007. The cub, born on on Da Rev's B'Day, March 25, 2007, has yet to be named and sexed.
[Photo by Arnd Wiegmann]

PARIS WHEN SHE FIZZLES
Lush blonde Paris Hilton has turned into a blonde lush and she's blaming everyone but herself for her inattention to volume of alcohol imbibed, on more than one occasion, and driving while her license was under suspension, again, on more than one occasion.

She apparently has "people" who are paid to keep track of those things. She of the sylphlike figure that she has never kept to her sylph, she knows that men make passes at girls who drain their glasses.

Gallery of the Absurd

By reputation, she's the good time that was had by all.

Paris Hilton asked her fans to petition Governor Schwarzenegger to keep her out of jail. She's had lots of chances. The judge had to sentence her to jail because the time she has spent servicing the community has done nothing to reform her.

So off to jail she apparently will go soon, and she doesn't need to pick up $200. On the way. Poor little rich bitch Paris - she has been tried and found wanton! (You'd think she could have BOUGHT that judge!)

Fatah has a kids program on Al-Aqsa-TV that teaches that Jews are the enemy and must be killed and blown up, etc. It had a mouse character that looked like a tall Mickey with hairy legs. He's gone. Any child in any country could tell you - Donald Duck's the funny one.

If Hamas's leaders think they hate Jews now, wait until they get sued by Disney's copyright attorneys!

What's next?
Jihadi Barney?!

I hate you
You hate me
Me & my camel
Practice sodomy

With a button
And some Semtex
And a really big blast
I'll be scoring some
Heavenly ass

Can we get Angelina Jolie to adopt these Palestinian kids?

This is an oldie - brought to mind by the election in France:
It seems a good time to trot out that joke about why there are so many trees on the Champs-Elysees.
(Because ze German army loves to march in ze shade!)
}}}RIM-SHOT!!{{{

We had to put off visiting my brother and his wife in Clearwater, Florida. With all the wildfires in Florida and Georgia, both states are blanketed in thick, irritating smoke. It'd be like goin' t' Cadillac Jack's here in Fairborn BEFORE the smoking ban!

Consequently, they have to spend a lot of time inside. OH BOY! Johnny said my sister-in-law called Graceland to tell them their webcam was down.

He finally got his monster truck magazine collection on CD-ROM.
Their Windows sound files are all steel guitar riffs.
Their mouse has a Harley decal on it and there's a bumper sticker slapped on the CPU that says, "Git 'er done!"

Their neighborhood has quite a few Latinos. My brother hangs with some of them and borrows tools from them. When it's time to come back inside, he yells, "Idios, Amigos!" Yes, he says they're always grinnin' when he shows up.

Johnny told me what he thinks the Hispanic mailman was trying to tell him when he inquired about his IRS refund check. He swears the guy said, "Ex post fucto." Apparently, it's lost in the mail.
Herman Krieger

In Clearwater, they're currently telling "cannibal jokes". Really, like this - the cannibals were seated around the table eating.
"Dad, I really hate the white missionary! "OK, just finish your noodles."

AND

Two cannibals were eating a clown.
One cannibal said to the other, "Does this taste funny to you?"

FYI:
In most jurisdictions across the US, after an extensive purifying process, water ends up in your glass after traveling through pipes laid under city streets 50, 60 or 100 years ago.

Think RUSTY! And people ask me why I drink so much beer.


Check 'em out...
Women of the World Play CHESS!!


ST JOHN THE BATISTE

America's Angriest General
Retired two-star Army Gen. John Batiste is lashing out at the Bush war in Iraq in ads targeting key Republicans up for re-election in 2008. His offensive may change the rules regarding civilian-military relations. Also: Generals Jon Soltz & Paul Eaton

Wonkette
Portly, pompadoured "shock jock" Al Sharpton said something provocative during a debate with (atheist author) Christopher Hitchens causing much concern amongst those who pay attention to Al Sharpton.

All Sharpton was trying to suggest in his completely innocent comment was that, as a practicing Mormon, Romney is, if not the Antichrist, then one who as an infant suckled from the teats of the same she-wolf that birthed the Antichrist.

Senator Obama, speaking about the terrible tornado that wiped Greensburg, Kansas, referred to "10,000 DEAD!!" Huh? There aren't 10,000 residents in all of Kansas!

It was actually twelve people who died. It's an honest mistake. Being from Chicago he couldn't imagine Kansas being newsworthy for any less than ten thousand casualties. He also misspoke when he blamed the tornadoes on Don Imus.

Kansas Guv gets call from Nagin
Topeka, KS (LaughFish.com) - New Orleans Mayor Ray Nagin is apologizing for a phone call that he made to Kansas Governor Kathleen Sebelius. The mayor said,

"I'm sorry. My original intention was to offer my heartfelt sympathies to the governor. However, when she told me that the Bush administration had sent most of her National Guard troops and most of their vehicles to Iraq. Well, I just lost it. Sorry. I couldn't stop laughing. I know it's not funny but... Man! How ironic is that? Whoa."

We've watched Al Gore's An Inconvenient Truth and we have mixed emotions. If humans aren't really responsible for much of the warming of the earth, what are we supposed to do?

If humans ARE responsible for a large proportion of the warming, what are we supposed to do? Install new light bulbs?!

Anyway, someone came up with a name for the activist environmentalists - Gang Green Gang! Or how about KILO-Watchers, or Carbon Footprint Fetishers? Carbon offsets and twisty light bulbs can be summed up as the Al Gore Rhythm Method.

IS THIS THE END OF INCANDESCENCE?!
Manufacturers and environmentalists are hammering out a nationwide energy-saving lighting standard that, if enacted by Congress, would effectively phase out the common household light bulb in about 10 years. That in turn could produce major cuts in the nation's electricity costs and greenhouse-gas emissions.

The new standard is expected to compel a huge shift by American consumers and businesses away from incandescent bulbs to more efficient - but also more expensive - fluorescent models, by requiring more light per energy unit than is yielded by most incandescents in use.

Ahhh, more light, but less heat, right? This Congress, like the last one, will screw anything.

I'm trying to picture all our retro-style lighting fixtures and lamps with those strange twisty bulbs stuck in them. NO!! I'll sit in the dark before I'll relegate our art nouveau shades and Victorian ceiling fan lighting units to the status of landfill detritus!!

My fellow citizens, we can't resist this rush to twisty bulbs the SAME way we resisted the Metric System. Remember? We just refused to learn the difference. If we would hold onto our incandescent bulbs, however, we're going to have to dig in and build a mass movement. We can do this, thanks to Jim Treacher

Keep Light Legal.
If You Can't Trust Me with a Choice, How Can You Trust Me with a Lamp?
Against Incandescents? Don't Buy One!
Every Bulb a Wanted Bulb.
Keep Your Legislation Off My Illumination!

                                                                                                                                                Jake Novak's Humor Blog
Iraqi Parliament Fight
Members of Iraq's parliament exploded in an angry debate Thursday, accusing each other of treason and murder. Outside the parliament building, the Iraqi people just exploded.

Losing French Presidential Candidate, Segolene Royal

New French President
Conservative Nicolas Sarkozy was elected President of France Sunday. Sarkozy excited many Frenchmen by promising the U.S. that "America can rely on our friendship." Then President Bush excited Americans even more by promising that we will never need to rely on the French.

Oral Sex Study
Researchers say people who have engaged in oral sex with more than six partners over the course of their lifetime were nine times more likely to develop throat cancer, and 30 times more likely to spend more than $1,000 on Listerine.

Herod's Tomb Found
After 25 years of excavating, an Israeli professor says he's found the tomb of King Herod. Leave it to an Israeli to spend a quarter century digging in the Middle East and not find any oil.

Comedian Argus Hamilton
President Bush was in Kansas Wednesday to see tornado damage in Greensburg. He started up a chainsaw and posed with the National Guard. Remembering all he's done to rebuild Iraq, they put him back on the plane before he could appoint a Tornado Czar.

GOP Congressman Ron Paul drew raves from Republicans following his performance in last week's presidential debate. The libertarian has one major advantage over the Democrats. As a practicing gynecologist, he can beat Bill Clinton at his own game.
 
Rudy Giuliani told Iowans last week that Saddam Hussein is now burning in hell. It's true. Saddam once worked for the CIA and he helped to keep Iran from expanding and getting a nuclear weapon, and we all know that the road to hell is paved with good intentions.

Tel Aviv was the scene of a massive protest Wednesday by Israelis demanding the resignation of Prime Minister Ehud Olmert. He has a zero-percent approval rating and there's a woman waiting to take his place. Israel is not just an ally, it's a parallel universe.

Cornell researchers studied NBA foul calls over the last fifteen years and said white referees call more fouls on black players than they do on white players. The report certainly didn't have its intended effect in Los Angeles. Hispanics rioted.



O & A
Taken out of context, the headline "Opie and Anthony Joke About Raping Condoleezza Rice" looks bad. Really bad. But nobody's reporting the complete context in which it was said. The homeless man, named Charlie, was on a profanity-laced rant where he attacked Al Sharpton, Jewish people, white people, and other important females such as First Lady Laura Bush and Queen Elizabeth II. He was an equal-opportunity offender, ripping on everyone.

Now busy-bodies on the net, Bretbart, Drudge, Hot Air, et al, are wondering if they should be fired. And !!! THIS JUST ___ IN!!! ===>>> THE REVEREND AL SHARPTONGUE said he would meet with "his associates" today to discuss whether they'll call for Opie and Anthony's firing. Sharpton called the Opie and Anthony segment "ugly and outrageous," according to the New York Daily News.

Rev. Art didn't hear it. He can't say whether it was funny, tasteless, offensive, or just dumb. "I don't care," he said, over Radio WGAF, this morning. These guys are on PAY Radio via satellite - NOT the public airwaves, thank you..."
O & A FAN

Jim Treacher observed:

...the audio in question was broadcast on XM, which you pay a monthly fee to listen to and has over 200 other channels. And you can block O&A and the other adult-language channels if you don't want to listen to them. Problem solved. Not to mention that it's not illegal to be tasteless and mock a homeless guy's demented fantasies. It's not nice, but you're allowed to not be nice.

Rev. Art sez,

"I think the funniest thing O & A ever did was the bit with the couple bumpin' uglies in a pew at St. Pat's Cathedral in NYC. Anything that gets (Catholic League) Bill Donahue's Baby Jesus boxers in a twist is worth the effort in my book! Remember, if they can fire Imus and O & A, they'll come after YOUR favorite blab jockey next - Hoo Hoo Stern, Rash Limbo*, Neil Abortz, Michael "The Savage" Weiner.

It is finally 1984... Welcome to Oceania. I am saddened to learn, however, that The Right AND The Left have now embraced newspeak and doublethink. But right now, someone somewhere is on hold waiting to be the "your mom's box" caller at 8:55.

(***Yet Pigboy, on AM radio, plays 'Obama The Magic Negro' daily, with no notice from the MSM.***)

Greg Gutfeld
A Haiku to comment on Star Wars Producer George Lucas who dissed Spiderman 3 as "a silly movie".

(Isn't that like takin' a dump where you eat?)

Bearded sage of film
No silliness escapes him
Jar Jar Binks was great

Porn producer Kick Ass Pictures is getting into the charity game. The adult entertainment company, which bills itself as "the only porn company in the world to guarantee all natural breasts in all of its movies" says they are releasing a new adult DVD tiled Nappy Headed Ho's. They say $1 from the sale of each DVD will be donated to a retirement fund for fired Don Imus. TOO HOT FOR RADIO!!

Tammy Faye Now 3.5 Pound Purse 5/11/2007
CHARLOTTE, N.C. - Former televangelist Tammy Faye (Bakker) Messner announced that she has stopped treating her cancer and that her weight has dropped to 3.5 lbs.

"She is now a well-adjusted handbag," says friend.

Tammy Faye has lost several dozen pounds since revealing the devil had given her cancer. The 65-year-old Charlotte resident was first diagnosed with colon cancer in 1996, and she announced in 2004 that the disease had spread to her lungs.

"I know God will hold me" said Tammy Faye. "and carry me as he does his good deeds, or goes shopping." 

Messner's spirits have been high for someone reduced to a shrunken clump of leather. Friends say she is just happy to wake up in the closet everyday.
"I just hope I go with God's shoes!" added Tammy Faye added.

SEXUAL ABSTINENCE SOUVENIR PILLOW

MORE from Argus 
The Vatican accused an Italian comedian of terrorism Wednesday for telling jokes about (octogenarian alleged virgin) Pope Benedict at a live event. The organizers were aghast that a comedian would make fun of a man who's so close to Jesus. Next year they're booking Rich Little.

The America's Cup challenger round saw the U.S. yacht team completely drub Italy. It was no surprise. Ever since Christopher Columbus landed in Santo Domingo thinking he was in India, Italy's been a non-factor in the world of competitive sailing.


Revolution Square in Mexico City was the site of a memorable crowd photograph last week. Eighteen thousand Mexicans took off their clothes on cue and posed nude. People react so much better to Los Angeles directors than they do to Los Angeles police.

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RELIGIOUS JOKES!

AOL? LOL
A lady was crossing a road one day when a frog called out to her and said, "If you kiss me, I'll turn into your dream guy." She bent over, picked up the frog, and put it in her purse.

The frog spoke up again and said, "If you kiss me and turn me back into a stud, I will tell everyone how smart and brave you are and how you are my hero." The lady took the frog out of her purse, smiled at it, and returned it to her purse.

The frog spoke up again and said, "If you kiss me and turn me back into a hot guy, I will be your loving companion for an entire month." The lady took the frog out of her purse, smiled at it, and returned it to her purse once more.

The frog then cried out, "If you kiss me and turn me back into a man I'll stay with you for a year and do ANYTHING you want." Again the lady took the frog out of her purse, smiled at it, and returned it to her purse.
Finally, the frog asked, "What is the matter? I've told you I'm a stud and flexible, that I'll stay with you for a year and do anything you want. Why won't you kiss me?"

The lady smiled and said, "Look, I have AOL. I don't really have time for a man, but a talking frog is SO cool."


A cab driver reaches the Pearly Gates and announces his presence to St. Peter, who looks him up in his Big Book. Upon reading the entry for the cabby, St. Peter invites him to grab a silk robe and a golden staff and to proceed into Heaven.

A preacher is next in line behind the cabby and has been watching these proceedings with interest. He announces himself to St. Peter. Upon scanning the preacher's entry in the Big Book, St. Peter furrows his brow and says, "Okay, we'll let you in, but take that cloth robe and wooden staff."

The preacher is astonished and replies, "But I am a man of the cloth. You gave that cab driver a gold staff and a silk robe. Surely I rate higher than a cabby."

St. Peter responded matter-of-factly: "Here we are interested in results. When you preached, people slept. When the cabby drove his taxi, people prayed."

MANDY SEZ:
"AH LIKE THE WI-I-IDE OPEN PLACES..."


It was the LAST DAYS and the dead of the Earth were waiting to enter Paradise. God appeared and said, "I want the men to make two lines. One line for the men who were true heads of their household and the other line for the men who were dominated by their women. I want all the women to report to St Peter."

Soon, the women were gone and there were two lines of men. The line of the men who were dominated by their wives was 100 miles long, and in the line of men who truly were heads of their household, there was only one man.

God said, "You men should be ashamed of yourselves. I created you to be the head of your household. You have been disobedient and not fulfilled your purpose. I told you to be the spiritual leader in your family. Of all of you, only one obeyed. Learn from him. Tell them, my son, how did you manage to be the only one in this line?"

The man replied, "I don't know, my wife told me to stand here.

ACTOR CARLA GUGINO

A woman was worried whether or not her dead husband made it to heaven, so she decided to try to contact his spirit by having a seance. Sure enough, after the usual mumbo-jumbo of calling to the spirits, her husband's voice was heard answering, "Hello Margaret, this is meeee..."

"Fred," she answered. I just have to know if you're happy there in the after-life. What's it like there?"

"Ooooooh, it's much more beautiful here than I ever imagined," Fred answered. "The sky is bluer, the air is cleaner, and the pastures are much more lush and green than I ever expected. And the only thing we do, all day long, are eat and sleep, eat and sleep, over and over."

"Thank God, you made it to heaven," his wife cried.

"Heaven?" he answered. "What heaven? I'm a buffalo in Montana."


Three Italian nuns die and go to heaven, where they are met at the Pearly Gates by St. Peter. He says, "Ladies, you all led such wonderful lives, that I'm granting you six months to go back to Earth and be anyone you want."
The first nun says, "I want-a to be uh-Sophia Loren" and <poof!> she's gone.

The second says, "I want-a to be uh-Gina Lollobrigida" and <poof!> she's gone.

The third says, "I want-a to be Sara Pipalini."

St. Peter looks perplexed. "Who?" he says.

"Sara Pipalini" replies the nun.

St. Peter shakes his head and says "I'm sorry but that name just doesn't ring a bell."

The nun then takes an American newspaper out of her habit and hands it to St. Peter. He reads the paper and starts laughing. "Oh, Sister, this says 'Sahara Pipeline laid by 500 men in 7 days'! "

JEEBUS POSES
WITH CO-STARS

Good fortune. COMMENT!! Please spread the meme. Don't smoke in bed...

P.O.E.T.S. || CINCO DE MAYO... THOMAS SOWELL - MILITARY TAKEOVER OF USA?... THE PARAPHRASE IN POP CULTURE... MY NAKED LUNCH IN YELLOW SPRINGS... POLL: WHO DA 'HO'S... RECAPPIN' THE RETHUGLICKIN' DEBATE... TENET'S SLAM DUNK... DC MADAM... IMUS WILL BE PAID

 
CINCO DE MAYO 2ôô7
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Check out Rev. Art's Atheist Pin-Ups! 

 


Dabbs Greer (90) veteran character actor who played Rev. Robert Alden in the TV show Little House on the Prairie. Greer played “everyman’’ roles, from bus drivers to preachers and shopkeepers, in nearly 100 movies and hundreds of TV show episodes. He died of kidney and heart disease in Pasadena, California on April 28, 2007.


Zola Taylor (69) singer who broke gender barriers in the ’50s as the fine-lookin’ red-headed (then) member of The Platters, harmonizing with her male colleagues on hits like “The Great Pretender.’’ Taylor later gained attention of a different sort as one of three women who claimed to be pop idol Frankie Lymon’s widow. She had been bedridden after several strokes and died of pneumonia in Riverside County, California on April 30, 2007.



Actor Darren McGavin (shown as "Kolchak") (RN: William Lyle Richardson) would be 85. He was best known for playing the title role in the television horror series Kolchak: The Night Stalker, and also his portrayal in the movie A Christmas Story of the grumpy father given to bursts of profanity that he never realizes his sons overhear. He also appeared as the tough-talking, funny detective in the TV series Mickey Spillane's Mike Hammer. McGavin also played some great character parts, particularly, the Satan-like drug dealer who moved in and out of the shadows to re-hook the protagonist, a recovering heroin addict-drummer, played by Frank Sinatra. He tripped over a rainbow in 2006.
McGavin named one of his sons “Bogart”; Da Rev named one of his sons “Darren”.


Theodor Meir Bikel (83) (b. Vienna, Austria) is a Jewish character actor, folk singer and musician. He made his film debut in The African Queen (1951) and was nominated for an Academy award for his role as the Southern Sheriff in The Defiant Ones (1958).


Pete Seeger (86) is almost universally known as a folk singer, political activist, and author. As a member of the Weavers, he had a string of hits, including a 1949 recording of Leadbelly's "Goodnight Irene" that topped the charts for 13 weeks in 1950. He was formerly a member of the Communist Party of the United States of America and a major contributor to folk and a pioneer of protest music in the 1950s and the 1960s. He is perhaps best known today as the author or co-author of the songs "Where Have All the Flowers Gone", "If I Had a Hammer", and "Turn, Turn, Turn", which have been recorded by many artists both in and outside the folk revival movement and are still sung throughout the world.

"I still call myself a communist, because communism is no more what Russia made of it than Christianity is what the churches make of it. But if by some freak of history communism had caught up with this country, I would have been one of the first people thrown in jail." [Pete]

"My father, Charles Seeger, got me into the Communist movement. He backed out around '38. I drifted out in the '50s. I apologize [in his recent book] for following the party line so slavishly, for not seeing that Stalin was a supremely cruel misleader." [Pete]

Teresa Brewer (76) (born Theresa Breuer, in Toledo, Ohio) was a child star who blossomed into a jazz-influenced pop singer. Her third release for Coral was her first hit for the label, Gonna Get Along Without Ya Now (1952). Then, in 1952, Teresa Brewer's biggest selling record of all time, Till I Waltz Again With You, was produced by Bob Thiele and released on Coral. The record hits kept coming in 1953 too, including Dancin' with Someone, Into Each Life Some Rain Must Fall, and another gold record, Ricochet. Teresa was rated as the favorite female vocalist for two consecutive years in 1955 and 1956. During these years, Teresa was also headlining in prestigious supper clubs throughout the country. Teresa's performances broke house records at the Latin Quarter in New York and at the Sahara Hotel in Las Vegas. 
(Shown with The Duke)

Her marriage to record producer Bob Thiele in 1972 led to her re-emergence via a long string of albums for Thiele's labels (Doctor Jazz, Signature, Red Baron), often in tandem with such luminaries as Count Basie, Benny Carter, Duke and Mercer Ellington, Stephane Grappelli, Earl Hines and Clark Terry.


It is clear that Eric Hilliard “Ricky” Nelson knew and loved music, and was a credible performer before he became a teen idol, largely due to his parents' musical background. Unlike many teen idols of the time, Nelson showed his personal taste in working with strong musicians, including James Burton, Joe Maphis, The Jordanaires, and Johnny and Dorsey Burnette. He would be (67) From 1957 to 1962, Nelson had 30 top 40 hits. Many of Nelson's early records were double hits with both the A side and the B side hitting the Billboard charts. When Billboard introduced the Hot 100 chart on August 4, 1958, Nelson's single "Poor Little Fool" became the first song ever in the #1 position on that chart. While Nelson preferred rockabilly and uptempo rock songs like "Hello Mary Lou", "It's Late", "Stood Up", and "Be-Bop Baby", his smooth, calm voice made him a natural to sing ballads. He had major success with "Travelin' Man", "Poor Little Fool", "Young World", "Lonesome Town", and "Teenage Idol", which clearly could have been about Nelson himself at the time. In addition to his recording career, Nelson also appeared in movies, including Rio Bravo with John Wayne and Dean Martin (1959) The Wackiest Ship In the Army (1960) and Love and Kisses (1965).


Robert Clark “Bob” Seger (62) is a Rock and Roll singer-songwriter-musician from Michigan, who after years of local Detroit-area success starting in the mid-1960s, achieved his greatest national success starting in the mid-1970s, which extended into the 1980s, finally reaching its zenith in the 1990s. Best known for his work with the Silver Bullet Band, a group he formed in 1974, Seger is a Midwestern roots rocker whose songs deal with blue-collar themes and who toured constantly in support of his frequent album releases. Seger has recorded many rock and roll hits, including "Turn the Page", "Night Moves", "We've Got Tonight", "Like a Rock", and his iconic signature song "Old Time Rock and Roll", named one of the Songs of the Century in 2001. He was inducted into the Rock and Roll Hall of Fame in 2004.

Randy Travis (48) (RN: Randy Bruce Traywick) (b. Marshville, North Carolina), better known by his stage name, is a Polish-American country singer and one of the most influential figures of Neotraditional Country, with huge product sales in the ‘80s-’90‘s and continuing today.. Randy’s one of the last of those great country singers whose voice and style were immediately recognizable. He’s also an avid horseman and an impressive body-builder.






"You're safe if your utterances fall within range of those expressed by the New York Times."
[McCaffrey, commenting on the limits of “free speech” these days]

“There is no female Mozart because there is no female Jack the Ripper.” [Camille Paglia]

Humanity I love you because when you're hard up you pawn your intelligence to buy a drink. [e. e. cummings]


The housecats, amazed
at something new,
Looking in the same direction [A Haiku by Jack Kerouac]

“When I see the worsening degeneracy in our politicians, our media, our educators, and our intelligentsia, I can’t help wondering if the day may yet come when the only thing that can save this country is a military coup.” ["Uncle Tom" Sowell, professional black conservative]

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WELL HOWDY, REV’LERS!

Welcome to Metro Fairborn, Ohio, where Da Rev is SO large our crib has its own CLIMATE!


Fairborn’s a small town where the population never changes. Each time a woman gets pregnant, someone leaves town.


I’m Rev. Art, and I have CDO. It's like OCD, but the letters are in alphabetical order as they should be.


(click)

The proceeds from this week’s STAND-UP are going to the Institute for Research into the Eradication of Hysterical Memory Pimples!


Andante! It is the Fifth of May, or Cinco de Mayo, when we celebrate yet another French military defeat … at the hands of the Mexicans…


What is the difference between Mechanical Engineers and Civil Engineers? Mechanical Engineers build weapons and Civil Engineers build targets.

I’m no engineer, but the women find me handy. I rigged the gun rack in my pick-em-up to accommodate my shotgun AND my laptop. Cool.


I painted the URL of this blog on an overpass yesterday. I could use some help with this. Please spread the meme…


I walked into the room just in time to overhear my grandson’s girlfriend exclaim, “Keisha said she loved my Fendi glasses. She said, ‘oh my god, I love your Fendi glasses.’”
Hmmm… the paraphrase in popular culture. Usage: “Jesse Jackson said Imus should be fired for sayin’ nappy-headed ‘ho’s. He said, ‘I believe Imus should be fired for sayin’ nappy-headed ‘ho’s.’” The paraphrase…


I always wanted to have a bar and restaurant in mellow Yellow Springs, that Bohemian village populated by hippies old and young, anarchists and libertarians, students and teachers, arts and farts. Call it “The Naked Lunch”?

Oh, the restaurant - Gotta have a separate room for poetry rants and atheist meet-ups - and constant music from Da Rev’s eclectic collection. The MENU?

Hmmm, The Ginsburger, o’ course. Kerouac Baby Back Ribs. Ferlinghetti Spaghetti with Diane de Prima Primavera Sauce or One Meat Ball a la Josh White. Can I interest you in our Burroughs Burrito? No, we don’t have chicken nuggets. How about some “Mountain Oysters”?!
Our $.99 Daily Special Daily is BEANS BUKOWSKI!

I hate to say it, but Kerouac is a dead beat.


Knock, knock. (you say, Who's there?)
Dishes.
Dishes, who?
Dishes the cops. Open up!


All Air Force retirees and their ladies are invited the Fairborn American Legion Wednesdays for the “Weekly Steak Fry and Wrangler Wedgie Shuffle".


UNIVERSAL SEXUAL ABSTINENCE SYMBOL

Congratulations to Tim, whose son‘s band ZZZ Top has just recorded an original: "I'm So Lonesome, I Could Die of Autoerotic Asphyxiation"…


We’ll be introducing Anita - a self-described "regular-hair ‘ho’" who "washes, rinses, and repeats regularly" - who will be expressing her dismay that the "only ‘ho’s on everybody's mind lately" are of the "nappy-headed variety." WASPy Anglo-Saxon ‘ho’s make up 93% of all the ‘ho’s in the USA, according to Anita, who has agreed to remain standing at all times today. The Nappy-headed hos, meanwhile, comprise only 3% of U.S. hos. The remaining 4% of ‘ho’s in America include Pacific-Islander ‘Ho’s, Wheelchair ‘Ho’s, Lazy-Eyed ‘Ho’s, Native American 'Ho's, Purple-Haired 'Ho's, Goth 'Ho's, Al-Qaeda Non-Infidel 'Ho's, Lesbian 'Ho's, and One-Armed 'Ho's."

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This actually happened at University of Dayton, circa 1961. I THINK I witnessed it.

Two engineering students were crossing the campus when one said, "Where did you get such a great bike?"
The second engineer replied, "Well, I was walking along yesterday minding my own business when a beautiful woman rode up on this bike. She threw the bike to the ground, took off all her clothes and said, "Take what you want."
The first engineer nodded approvingly, "Good choice; the clothes probably wouldn't have fit."


Has anybody here ever bought beer on-line? How’s that work?





They didn’t ask my fucking question at the FIRST 2008 Rethuglickin Presidential Debate:

When does a fetus become a human? When does pregnancy strip all rights from a female? And who are you to decide?
I guess they don’t like follow-ups…

Itty Bitty Dentist-Dude Ron Paul postures as the “libertarian” - but he opposes a woman’s right to choose. PHONY!

Mitt Romney stood there in his itchy Mormon underwear and kept insisting that he will veto budget items despite what we all learned in high school social studies - the president can’t do that… GLIB PHONY!

Somebody submitted, “Do you believe in evolution?”
Three or Four of the ten do not. Tancredo, nativist theofascist. Sam Brownstain, idiot fundie, gurgled, "I BELIEVE IN GOD!". Hucklebuck, idiot-fundie who wrote a diet book. And Gillmor? CHEESES, I thought he had a brain…


“Walnuts” McLame is batshit crazy. If elected, he’d start 3 wars in his first 100 days…

The Rethug candidates reached consensus on one thing. They all hate Hillary.


Republican Presidential candidates spent 60% of their brief debate time going down on Ronald Reagan.
 
Who wasn’t there? Ohhh, forget Fred Thompson. Where are Hagel and Bloomburg?


The military took away the porn and now goes for the blogs. Way to fight for fascism, you fuckers.


This week’s immigration protests were a lot smaller than last year’s, proof that the the rubber bullets are working.



Jake Novak's Humor Blog
BP CEO Steps Down
British Petroleum CEO John Browne has resigned after several newspapers said they plan to publish details about an alleged affair he had with a man. I'm not sure why this is a scandal; everyone knows big oil executives like screwing people in the ass.

War Report
A report from an Israeli commission of inquiry on last summer's Lebanon war said Ehud Olmert entered the conflict uninformed and unprepared… but not as uninformed and unprepared as the New York Times.


Comedian Argus Hamilton
The Ronald Reagan Library hosted a debate by ten of the Republican presidential candidates Thursday. Fred Thompson said he couldn't attend but would be there in spirit. It was the best Reagan impression of the night and he was declared the winner.

There's no place like it. Of all the presidential libraries across the country, this is the only one with a popcorn machine in the lobby.


Republicans held a presidential candidates debate at the Ronald Reagan Library in Simi Valley. It's full of Cold War memorabilia. There was a big disruption during the debate when thousands of Hispanic protesters climbed over the Berlin Wall exhibit.

Queen Elizabeth arrived in Virginia on the four hundredth anniversary of the founding of Jamestown. It makes many people wistful. Most of the problems in the world today can be traced to an unenlightened immigration policy by American Indians.

The colony became successful by selling tobacco to England, introducing liquor to Indians and importing slaves. No wonder history teachers only talk about the Pilgrims.


Washington D.C. madam Debbie Palfrey outed all the men who hired her call girls. She is strict. No date can last longer than two hours, making Debbie the only one in Washington with a timetable for withdrawal that Democrats and Republicans can agree on.


Washington D.C. madam Debbie Palfrey began releasing her client list. One of her customers was the U.S. State Department official in charge of combating the world sex trade. If you're scoring at home, that's three wars we've lost in five years.


Former Senator Carol Moseley Braun was mugged Friday as she walked back to her residence after attending a play in Chicago. It certainly put the war on terror in perspective. If the terrorists really do follow us home from Iraq, the muggers will be waiting for them.


The America's Cup preliminary featured a major upset by Team China over Oracle Racing. Red China is winning yacht races. If you think former President Bush is disappointed in the way things turned out, imagine how Mao Tse-tung would feel.



Sen. Barack Obama, it was reported Thursday, has begun receiving full Secret Service protection. Officials said there is no specific threat, just large crowds and comments on the Internet. People keep calling him another Bobby Kennedy.

Los Angeles observed the fifteenth anniversary Sunday of the rioting that followed L.A. cops beating Rodney King. The city is still feeling the effects of that night. As black people took to the streets in protest, illegal aliens moved into their houses.


John Edwards' wife Elizabeth told New Hampshire Democrats Monday her husband will do more for women than any other candidate in the field. That's ridiculous and untrue. If Hillary Clinton becomes president, everyone knows that First Gentleman Bill Clinton will do more for women, but we'll never hear about it if he can help it.

Laura Bush gave the commencement address last week at Pepperdine University. It's a conservative evangelical Christian college located on the cliffs above Malibu. It looks like it's on a mountain but actually it's just sticking out like a sore thumb.





Greg Gutfeld
For Imus, who has made a career out of operating in the murky space between sophomoric humor and high-brow political talk, there is the little matter of about $40 million left on his contract with CBS Radio - whose boss Les Moonves fired the shock jock on April 12. CBS' lawyers contend Imus was fired for cause and not owed the rest of the money.

But Imus has hired one of the nation's premiere First Amendment attorneys, and the two sides are gearing up for a legal showdown that could turn on ***how language in his contract that encouraged the radio host to be irreverent and engage in character attacks is interpreted*** … Prediction: The I-Man will have Les’s little tiny balls on a platter… Call it “just desserts…"
In this episode, IMUS confronts the evil oppressors and in one fell swoop gets P A I D!


Meanwhile, let us never forget - Rev. Sharpdressedman PAID $345,000 and agreed to STFU. It seems like a paltry sum, but it WAS LARGE back then - and he wasn’t rollin’ in it back then.


Lindsey Lohan did the rehab. And now (according to Rachel on Red Eye) she’s “drinking from the ‘hairy goblet‘.” I heard that, too. I’m turned on…


Danielynn Lands in Kentucky
Louisville, Ky (LaughFish.com) - Photographer Larry Birkhead and his daughter with Anna Nicole Smith, Danielynn, landed in Kentucky this week where she immediately became engaged to her half-brother Larry Jr.

MORE Argus
Don Imus hired First Amendment lawyer Martin Garbus to sue CBS Radio for forty million dollars. The case is as good as won. Martin Garbus used to defend Lenny Bruce on indecent language charges, and nappy-headed ho's was Lenny's church-crowd material.

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PLAYMATE AVIS KIMBLE - SEPTEMBER, 1962

A guy walked Into a bar with a pet alligator by his side. He put the alligator up on the bar and turned to the astonished patrons. "I'll make you a deal. I'll open this alligators mouth and place my genitals inside. Then this gator will close his mouth for one minute, He'll then open his mouth and I'll remove my dink unscathed, In return for witnessing this spectacle, each of you will buy me a drink."
The crowd murmured their approval. The man stood up on the bar, dropped his trousers, and placed his privates in the alligators open mouth. The gator closed his mouth as the crowd gasped, After a minute, the man grabbed a beer bottle and rapped the alligator hard on the top of its head, The gator opened his mouth and the man removed his genitals, unscathed as promised. The crowd cheered and the first of his free drinks was delivered. The man stood up again and made another offer. "I'll pay anyone $100 who's willing to give it a try."
A hush fell over the crowd. After a while, a hand went up in the back of the bar. A young fellow timidly spoke up, "I'll try, but you have to promise not to hit me on the head with the beer bottle."


A small white guy went Into an elevator, when he got in he noticed a huge black dude standing next to him. The big black guy looked down upon the small white guy and said, "7 foot tall, 360 pounds, 20 inch dick, 3 pound left ball, 3 pound right ball, Turner Brown."
The small guy fainted!! The huge black dude picked up the little white guy and brought him to, slapping his face and shaking him. He asked the small white guy, "What's wrong?"
Our petite friend said, "Excuse me, but what did you say?"
The black giant looked down and repeated, '7 foot tall, 360 pounds, 20 inch dick, 3 pound left ball, 3 pound right ball, my name is Turner Brown' The white guy sighed, 'Oh, thank goodness! I thought you said 'Turn around”...

 
One day little Susie went into her back yard and found her dog Muffie lying dead with its legs up in the air. She asked, "Daddy Daddy why is Muffies’ legs in the air?"
Thinking quickly, her dad replied, "This way Jesus can come down and take Muffie to heaven easier."
The next day when Susie's dad came home she ran up to him and said, "Daddy, Daddy, Mommy almost died today."
Flustered, her father said, "Honey what happened?"
And Susie said, well Mommy's legs were up in the air and she was screaming "Oh Jesus. Oh Jesus. I'm coming, I'm coming" - and if it wasn't for the milkman holding her down she would have been a goner.


BRANDIE LYNN

I KNOW I didn’t witness THIS - I’ve never played golf.
A pastor, a doctor and a CEO were waiting one Saturday morning for a particularly slow group of golfers. The CEO fumed, "What's with these guys? We must have been waiting for 15 minutes!"

The doctor chimed in, "I don't know, but I've never seen such ineptitude!"

The pastor said, "Hey, here comes the greens keeper. Let's have a word with him."

"Hi George! Say, what's with that group ahead of us? They're rather slow, aren't they?"

The greens keeper replied, "Oh, yes, that's a group of blind firefighters. They lost their sight on 9-11 in the World Trade Center disaster - so we always let them play for free anytime."
The group was silent for a moment. The pastor said, "That's so sad. I think I will say a special prayer for them tonight."

The doctor said, "Good idea. And I'm going to contact my ophthalmologist buddy and see if there's anything he can do for them."

The CEO said, "Why can't these fuckers play at night?"

 
ACTOR VIRGINIA MADSEN

Good fortune. COMMENT!! Please spread the meme. Don't smoke in bed...

A SOLDIER DIES, THE ARMY LIES...

PAT TILLMAN - ATHEIST

UNO de MAYO! MAY DAY! MAY DAY!

HOORAY! THE FIRST OF MAY!

OUTDOOR FUCKING STARTS T’DAY!

- Oh, boy ! !