JULY 14, 2ôô7
(This blog is SO COOL - the ESKIMOS have 43 words for it!)
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Check Out Rev. Art's Atheist Pin-Ups!
Doug Marlette (57) Pulitzer Prize-winning cartoonist, irreverent creator of the “Kudzu’’ comic strip, who recently turned his incisive wit toward a budding career as a novelist.
Marlette (See photo, below) won the Pulitzer in 1988 for his work at the Charlotte (NC) Observer and the Atlanta (Ga. Constitution.
He was killed in an auto accident in heavy rain about three miles east of Holly Springs, Mississippi on July 10, 2007. Authorities believed his truck hydroplaned, then struck a tree.
Linda Marie Ronstadt (61) is a multi-Grammy-winning, multi-platinum selling, Emmy Award-winning, and Tony Award nominated singer. Ronstadt became the leading female vocalist of the rock era…
"When I was in church I discovered that I was God. When I was praying, I realized I was talking to myself." [Peter O’Toole]
"It seems like every family values hand-job has sex problems. (Religious Reichian Congressman) Vitter should be commended for getting caught with a female. Most of them (like Limbaugh) are banging little boys." [BartCop]
“To surrender to ignorance and call it God has always been premature, and it remains premature today” [Isaac Asimov, Atheist Pin-Up]
"If the lord had meant us to have faith, he'd have given us lobotomies." - [Zlatko]
Marge: "Homer, The Lord only asks for an hour a week."
Homer: "In that case he should've made the week an hour longer, lousy God." [Gatt Groening, Atheist Pin-Up]
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WELL HOWDY, REV’LERS!
Welcome to our crib in Metro Fairborn and The Stand-Up !- the most fun you can have and pull through at the end. As you carefully pick your way through the salad bar of life, I promise to hide the carrot with the teeth marks in it.
The state of Louisiana finally banned cockfighting, it's now illegal everywhere in the United States. Now the animal rights people can turn their attention to Metro Fairborn, Ohio - where there’s rampant rabbit wrestling’ - in JELLO. The winner wrestles the midget!
Please join the millions of other generous folks across the nation this weekend who are writing checks, making bequests and volunteering to help in any way they can with the Association to Find a Cure for Queen‘s Swelling!
FRIDAY was THE 13TH. I'm never worry about Friday the 13th. I wear my lucky sock. For a while I had two lucky socks. But one of them was totally burned when my foot got struck by lightning.
Bloggers are very superstitious. For example, Friday, Prof. PZ Myers - when he typed his blog - he deliberately misspelled every 13th word. Well, it LOOKS like they’re misspelled. I mean, who can tell, with a blog named “Pharyngula”?
And he's an aficionado of Cephalopods...
Prof PZ is excited about the discovery of an “Octosquid”. You realize how difficult it must have been for a squid to mate with an octopus, if indeed that's what occurred? It’s a wonder that they ever made it through all the handshaking when they met…
A 50 person expedition is in the Upper Peninsula of Michigan this week searching for Bigfoot - the elusive giant man-ape of the woods. Several people in the area reported seeing Bigfoot or “something”!?! The leader of the expedition - a “Bigfoot expert” from Los Angeles - says he's sure the sighting means something strange is roaming the woods of upper Michigan. Sure. Bring plenty of beer. And write down these phone numbers. Have fun.
Pete's Barbershop (Marquette): 906-225-0337
Buck's Barbershop (Escanaba): 906-786-9381
Josie's Barbershop (Iron Mountain): 906-265-4298
Stan's Barbershop (Menominee): 906-863-2196
Stew's Liquor Store (Menominee): 906-863-8144
Jim's Liquoe Store (Marquette): 906-225-1458
Blue Ribbon Taxidermy (Escanaba): 906-233-1782
F & B Taxidermy (Iron River): 906-265-1088
Salman Rushdie has written more great novels in the past 25 years than Islamists have written books.
A langur monkey holds its newborn at the Monkey Park in Ben Shemen near Tel Aviv July 12, 2007. A newborn spectacled langur is usually born with golden-yellow fur to draw the female's attention. The newborn, still unnamed, will eventually turn grey like its parents.
[Photo by Gil Cohen Magen]
Did you ever wake up in the morning - feeling like a guy with a sprained ankle at the "Running of the Bulls"...? In Pamplona, Spain, it's the annual Running of the Bulls. Several people have already been injured. Critics say the Running of the Bulls is politically incorrect. They're right. There should be an alternative event - where vegetarians are chased by something dangerous that's not made of meat.
There's a rumor some of the bulls are on steroids. The people running with them are just drunk!
Jim is trying to give up meat. He’s on the patch.
Well - actually - it's a strip o’ bacon wrapped around his bicep…
A MEAL FIT FOR AN ATHEIST!
Trust me. When you went into your boss‘s office and began with "I have worked here (any number of) years and..." - he stopped listening.
When Bill Kirby was growing up in northeastern Ohio he and his buddies started a model railroading club and called it "The Cleveland Steamers". I swear this is probably true! Can’t you just see little Billy and all his buddies meeting in his basement on a Saturday afternoon, engineer’s caps on their heads, red bandanas tied ‘round their necks, and Browns jackets all around?
Dick says he’s found a great new product for folks like him who live in Florida. It’s “Lee Press-On Mosquitoes”. He swears you just stick a few Lee’s Press-On Mosquitoes on your face and the real mosquitoes think you've been sucked dry and leave you alone.
Harry Potter author JK Rowling says she hasn't told members of her family how the final Harry Potter book ends. Does this mean she’s forgotten?! Please don’t kill the punch lines if you see someone reading this blog, OK?
You cannot buy True Love. You know that. Drop me an e-mail. I can recommend some synthetic substitutes that aren't too bad…
Jack has a new i-Phone. It’s way too complicated for me. I asked him if it has Caller ID. “Of course,” he replied.
I said, “Obviously, Caller IQ is not required.”
People are taking apart their i-Phones to see what makes them work. What kind of a crazy person would do a thing like that?! Years ago, I took the back off my Etch-a-Sketch - only to find out it's full of a messy gray powder…
Hippies everywhere are celebrating the 40th anniversary of the "Summer of Love". Yeah, peace... love...understanding... Da Pagan Baby and I were hippies. We went to Woodstock - and I got into a fist fight with another hippie over who was more peaceful and loving AND FUCKING UNDERSTANDING!!
I read that North Korea has banned karaoke bars as a "threat to society". Tell me again why the North Koreans are the BAD guys.
You know you're getting old when a cop stops you for speeding and you realize you used to do his mom…
A study shows the threat of terrorism is causing many people to
have nightmares. Tim Z says he has a recurring scary dream where terrorists drill holes in his head and take him bowling! }}}RIM SHOT!!{{{
Charlie - we’ve seen your “Glows -In-The_Dark” ZIPPER before. We’re NOT gonna turn out the lights…
Hey, Linda! Nice outfit... It’s amazing what they’re doing with aluminum foil these days.
I MUST be OFF!! See you here again next weekend with a brand new STAND-UP! Same URL - same grease stains on my shirt… same shirt…
SLIDING... into POLITICS & SKIN!
FROM: THE “CINDY, O CINDY - DON’T LET THE DOOR HIT YA IN THE ASS!” DEPARTMENT:
I have been "warned"
by Cindy Sheehan
Thu Jul 12, 2007
I can't post here anymore because my potential run for Congress is not on the Democratic ticket.
I have been deeply grateful for all of your support over the years.
Your love and kindness helped me through lots of sleepless nights at Camp Casey '05.
If Speaker Pelosi does her constitutionally mandated duty and I don't run, then I can come back and post.
I know a lot of you are hostile towards my candidacy. Please
understand that I am doing it for your children and grandchildren
(and my surviving ones.)
Love always,
Cindy
Kos had to point out to this bat shit crazy attention-whore that his is a DEMOCRATIC blog - designed to elect DEMOCRATIC CANDIDATES! Cindy’s running as a Bozo Independent (a la Rowf Nadir) seeking to spoil the reelection campaign for Speaker Pelosi. FUCK OFF, CINDY - you pitiful narcissistic bitch!
Jake Novak's Humor Blog
Drug Flights
The DEA says the number of planes smuggling cocaine into the United States from the Caribbean have increased fourfold since 2003. Drug runners say they're enjoying record sales, but the jet fuel prices are killing them! (We fought the War On Drugs & the drugs WON!)
Vitter Embarrassed
U.S. Senator David Vitter is expressing severe embarrassment after telephone records linked him to a notorious D.C. madam. The only whores members of Congress are supposed to be linked to are lobbyists.
Senator David Vitter is a close ally of Rudy Giuliani and his connection to a D.C. madam may hurt Giuliani's presidential campaign... or help it; when it comes to big campaign donors, having access to top-notch hookers isn't exactly a bad thing.
"N-Word" Funeral
The NAACP symbolically buried the N-word last week. From now on, black and white people are being urged to just say "Mother Fucker!"
The NAACP symbolically buried the N-word in Detroit. And since it was held in Detroit, they were then forced to bury seven of the people at the funeral who were shot for callin‘ each other “Mother Fuckers”.
Prisoner Release
The Israeli Cabinet has approved the release of 250 Palestinian prisoners... at last giving these freedom-loving men their long-awaited chance to blow themselves up.
Comedian Argus Hamilton
Hillary and Bill Clinton campaigned together in Iowa last week. Eighty percent of women polled in America once said they thought Hillary would leave Bill after his presidency. The other twenty percent of women said he promised them that he would.
White House ex-aide Harriet Miers refused to testify before the House Judiciary Committee hearing Thursday under orders from the president. She could face a hundred thousand dollar fine plus a year in prison. Bill Clinton gets all the credit for being a ladies' man, but they throw themselves across the railroad tracks for George W. Bush.
Pope Benedict said Wednesday that Christian faiths other than Roman Catholicism have defects and are not real churches. Protestants aren't exactly sure how to avenge the religious slight. The al-Qaeda training camps have a six-year waiting list.
Senator David Vitter admitted Monday that he was a client of Washington D.C. madam Debbie Palfrey. He reportedly liked to wear diapers during his sexual encounters. Lots of senators are into diapers but not usually until their eighth term.
Homeland Security chief Michael Chertoff (See cadaver photo) said he has a gut feeling that al-Qaeda is about to attack the U.S. this summer. The administration no longer claims to have secret intelligence. They just stand there and dare Congress to subpoena their intestines.
Turkey massed troops on the border of Iraq to halt Iraqi Kurds from crossing into Turkey to incite Turkish Kurds into forming the separate state of Kurdistan. That's separate from the Sunni-Shiite civil war blazing everywhere else. With each passing day, Saddam Hussein looks less like a tyrant and more like The Miracle Worker.
MORE from Argus...
Harry Potter and the Order of the Phoenix topped the box office worldwide this weekend. He's taught in school that it's the duty of every wizard to use his powers to fight evil. You must do it wisely or five years later your troops will still be in Iraq.
Washington University scientists said Friday that the older people get, the less they comprehend jokes. Evidence is plentiful. Of the two dozen people evacuated from cruise ships last year, twenty-three of them were comedians right after the first show.
Tom Cruise was honored by the Museum of the Moving Image in New York Thursday, where he gave a gracious speech. He defended his religion and thanked his parents for all their sacrifices. Each evening they kill a chicken in front of his photograph.
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FOR THE LADIES:
Hunks, Paul Newman, Robert Redford, and sweet, lovely Katherine Ross.
A husband and wife are sitting quietly in bed reading when the wife
looks over at him and asks the question....
WIFE: "What would you do if I died? Would you get married again?"
HUSBAND: "Definitely not!"
WIFE: "Why not? Don't you like being married?"
HUSBAND: "Of course I do."
WIFE: "Then why wouldn't you remarry?"
HUSBAND: "Okay, okay, I'd get married again."
WIFE: "You would?" (with a hurt look)
HUSBAND: (makes audible groan)
WIFE: "Would you live in our house?"
HUSBAND: "Sure, it's a great house."
WIFE: "Would you sleep with her in our bed?"
HUSBAND: "Where else would we sleep?"
WIFE: "Would you let her drive my car?"
HUSBAND: "Probably, it is almost new."
WIFE: "Would you replace my pictures with hers?"
HUSBAND: "That would seem like the proper thing to do."
WIFE: "Would you give her my jewelry?"
HUSBAND: "No, I'm sure she'd want her own."
WIFE: "Would she use my golf clubs?"
HUSBAND: "No, she's left-handed."
WIFE: -- silence --
HUSBAND: "SHIT..."
Tawnee Stone
TESTIFY, SISTAHS!!
My sister and I were at the mall and passed by a store that sold a variety of candy and nuts. As we were looking at the display case, the boy behind the counter asked if we needed any help. I replied, "No, I'm just looking at your nuts."
TESTIFY, SISTAHS!!
While in line at the bank one afternoon, my toddler decided to release some pent-up energy and ran amok. I was finally able to grab hold of her after receiving looks of
and annoyance from other patrons. I told her that if she did not start behaving
"right now" she would be punished.
To my horror, she looked me in the eye and said in a voice just as threatening, "If you don't let me go right now, I will tell Grandma that I saw you kissing Daddy's pee-pee last night!"
ACTOR GAIL McKENNA
TESTIFY, SISTAHS!!
I was at the golf store comparing different kinds of golf balls. I was unhappy with the women's type I had been using. After browsing for several minutes, I was approached by one of the good-looking gentlemen who works at the store. He asked if he could help me.
Without thinking, I looked at him and said, "I think I like playing with men's balls."
TESTIFY, SISTAHS!!
This one had most of the state of Michigan laughing for 2 days and a very embarrassed female news anchor who will, in the future, likely think before she speaks. What happens when you predict snow but don't get any? We had a female news anchor who,
the day after it was supposed to have snowed and didn't, turned to the weatherman and asked: "So Bob, where's that 8 inches you promised me last night?"
Her Hottt-ness: ACTOR CARLA GUGINO
WARNING!!
I just wanted to warn all the men of this new insidious scam that's being perpetrated at the Kroger shopping strip on the east end of Fairborn... Two incredibly voluptuous girls ask their victim for a lift to Yellow Springs. On the way, one of them starts to perform oral sex on him while the other one steals his wallet. It's horrible. I was caught by this scam last Tuesday, Wednesday and Thursday. I looked everywhere for them on Friday, but they were nowhere to be seen!
WHITEHOUSE MEDIA HERDER - TONY HO!
Good fortune. COMMENT! Please spread the meme. Don’t smoke in bed…