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SEE THE CO$TS 
Beverly Sills (78) Brooklyn-born opera diva, a global icon of can-do American culture with her dazzling voice, bubbly personality (her childhood nickname was "Bubbles"), and management moxie in the arts world. A child radio star in the ’30s, Sills rose from the ranks of sopranos to become a great American diva in the ’60s and ’70s and expanded her career beyond performing to run two major opera companies—the Metropolitan Opera and the New York City Opera. The relaxed, red-haired diva gained friends and fans worldwide, appearing frequently on The Tonight Show and The Muppet Show, and in televised performances with her friend, comedienne Carol Burnett. Sills HAD NEVER BEEN A SMOKER, but weeks after being diagnosed with inoperable lung cancer, she died in New York City on July 2, 2007. Life in Legacy
Tenzin Gyatso is the fourteenth and current Dalai Lama is 72. As such, he is often referred to in Western media simply as the Dalai Lama, without any qualifiers. He has helped to spread Buddhism in the West and to promote the concepts of universal responsibility, secular ethics, and religious harmony. In 1989, he was awarded the Nobel Peace Prize. (He is on record as saying there is no evidence for God…)
"So there you have it. Bush shrugs and smirks and then commutes the easy soft-focus sit-on-your-ass-all-day-and-knit (rape-free) white-collar prison sentence of a hollow political lackey who, in turn, took a bullet for his sneering mafia thug of a boss, Dick Cheney, who in turn was complicit (along with lead flying monkey Karl Rove) in the appallingly illegal outing of a CIA operative, which itself was a tiny but particularly nasty link in the giant chain of lies and deceptions undertaken to lead our wary and tattered nation into an unwinnable impossible costly brutally violent war that will now last, if current estimates are correct, until the goddamn sun explodes..." [Mark Morford, SFGate] (Note: Pot Dealers get, on average, 3 years)
Excerpt:
"I have carefully studied the Iraq situation, and believe we cannot continue asking our troops to sacrifice indefinitely while the Iraqi government is not making measurable progress..."
Translation: "I'm up for re-election next year and I'll lose if I stick with Der Monkey.
[Senator Pete Domenici (R-NM)]
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"Man invented language to satisfy his deep need to complain. [Lily Tomlin]
It seems odd that two of the biggest lefty blogs, Kos and Arianna, are run by former Republicans who will say anything to discredit our Democratic front-runner (HILLARY!)." [BartCop]
"A great value of antiquity lies in the fact that its writings are the only ones that modern men still read with exactness." [Anon.]
"Religion... it is the rainbow sprinkles on an asshole sundae." [Dark Urthe @ The Daily Gut]
"In an Internet survey: 62% listed their car as their "Most Valuable Possession". Do you realize, Friends - if the Good Lord hadn't given us the automobile - we would have had to invent it?!"
[Pastor Farley Chortle, Fairborn Church of the Gooey Death & Discount House of Worship]
WELL HOWDY, REV’LERS! 
Welcome to Metro Fairborn, Ohio and THE STAND-UP! It's like "Spider-Man 3" - without all the crying…
Please join the millions of other generous folks across the nation this weekend who are writing checks, making bequests and volunteering to help in any way they can with the Association for Stranger's Sleeping Vomit Sufferers!
Drunken Guest yells out: “Hey, Rev. - how are YOU?”
Rev: “Ask yo’ mama…”
Here in Fairborn I’ve learned the Central Avenue hooker is surprisingly well-educated. Oh, yes - she can ask if you want “Round the World” in five different languages! 
During the heat wave, if you page her to your motel room and pay an extra 40 dollars - she’ll bring a bucket of shaved ice. 
Cheeses! It’s SO hot! I'm composing the blog naked. Made you look! 
Man - you know it's hot when your armpits start squirting!
A dog chained to a tree or a stake is 2.8 times more likely to bite than an unchained dog. No, that’s NOT funny… 
If I change my name to “Scooter”, I wonder if the Texass Dauphin will pardon me for this blog…
I got an e-mail with a sexual proposition from one of the Spice Girls! “Old Spice“… which one is she?
The last Harry Potter book is due to be released - as is the latest movie based on the Harry Potter book series. My granddaughter has read all the books chronicling the adventures of the young sorcerer. She says she finds the characters engaging and the stories stimulating, but she really hates the font.
The combination of a LOT of rain, HEAT, and HUMIDITY has given us a promising corn crop in Ohio. I still recall when the 4-H girl explained, “Corn - it’s ribbed to provide more intense pleasure…”
Photo: you see 2 birds!
A white peacock (in the backgound) displays its plumage, to attract a peahen (foreground) at the Nehru Zoological Park in Hyderabad, India, Saturday, June 30, 2007. The monsoon season also brings along with it the breeding season for the birds.
Photo by Mahesh Kumar A 
Have you been watching the tennis from Wimbledon? Venus Williams is a four-time winner, joining the ranks of Martina Navritilova and Billy Jean King.
Hey, Jen says she could have been a tennis pro. She had the footwork. She had the serve. She had the backhand. But she just didn't have the grunt.
I was watching Wimbledon on TV and a commentator said the men tennis players make more money than the women tennis players. That is SO NOT fair! I mean, c’mon - the women players have to show everybody their PANTIES! 
(Above: Serena's panties...)
Click!
SEVENS UP!
This is one o’ those dates that only comes along every 100 years: 7-7-7 or o7o7o7. Fortunate or ominous? I read that thousands of couples are planning to get married on July 7th because they believe 7-7-7 is a lucky date. Many couples believe the date 7/7/7 is lucky. I predict 7% of these marriages will last 7 years.
You can just imagine what a popular day that will be in Las Vegas - where 7-7-7 is a winning jackpot! What is it with the fascination with “7”? I mean, we have 7 wonders of the world, 7 oceans and 7 continents. Superstitions abound about the number 7.
Just about every religion attaches importance to the number 7. In the Bible, 7 is a perfect and important number. It's also significant in the Jewish Torah, and from the Hindu tradition, there are 7 energy centers in the body. In astronomy and astrology there are 7 planets that can be seen with the naked eye. In baseball, there was only one # 7 - Mickey Mantle. And in the game of craps, 7 wins in any combination. Don’t stand too close to Gerald - he’s a 7th son of a 7th son of a 7th son! Those 7th sons get all the women, don’t they?
There’s a new study that finds many young people can't afford to attend college nowadays. I worked my way through the the University of Dayton, a strict, Catholic Institution in the early ‘60s. The priests assigned me jobs like sweeping out the chapel - dusting the Bibles and Song Books - and wiping spit off the Infant Jesus. (Holy Crap! I just ASSUMED it was SPIT!?)
While I was at UD I took a speed reading course. I soon regretted that decision when I sprained my wrist from turning the pages so fast. I had to take notes with my left hand. I couldn’t read them. That’s why I don’t know anything…
Even with that speed reading course under my belt - I can't keep up with the closed captions on Chris Mathews' Sunday AM political roundtable show... (Syndicated, check local listings)
Some guy wrote a book a couple of years ago that explains how to get hired as a movie extra in Hollywood. I read the book and it worked out for me. If you saw Michael Moore's new film "Sicko" - you may have seen me in a hospital room - on a bedpan! 
VIDEO: Cool Cats Here. 
I MUST be OFF!! See you here again
next weekend with a brand new STAND-UP! Same URL - same sweat stains…
EEEK!! We're slidin' into POLITICS & SKIN!!
From Glasgow: “Och, aye. Ye Scots haf nae bothered nain since ye heather las bloomed on Ben Nevis. Och. Ye Islamist nae care to bom wee shavers in ye airport. Nae trews!”
I’ve been following the terrorism news on TV. Some Iraqi and Indian Muslim doctors living in England are terrorists. One doctor was plotting to start germ warfare with germs he collected from old magazines in his waiting room.
I hear Bill Clinton may endorse his own line of clothing. There's the "Bill Clinton Suit". What's so special about it? You can take it off or put it on in less than 10 seconds!
There's a report Ralph Nader may run for President again - yeah, Ol‘ Mr. “Spoiling Presidential Elections Since the Mid 1990s” still hasn't made up his mind about 2008. He can't decide whether to run for President in 2008 - or to buy a Bill Clinton Suit.
On this date in 1819: The first bank in the United States opened in New York City. One small step towards establishing financial stability in America. Somebody stole the writing quill during the first hour of bidness. That afternoon they put out a new one - on a chain…
Message in a Re-Usable Bottle: Earth to Rock Star Al Gore! I fully appreciate your concern for climate change - BUT, while you’ve been jetting around the planet telling everyone, “THE EARTH HAS A FEVER!” - your own house is going up in flames!
And, an aside to Li’l Al 3 - I hope you realize why everyone is expressing outrage concerning your behavior - at 100 m.p.h. a Prius gets - OMG! - only 22 m.p.g.!!
The news that a Pruis can go 100 m.p.h. is really impressive though!
Did I mention - Da Rev asked facetiously - that I’m bloggin’ for Hillary? BOOYAH! Oh, here’s another message for the Rock Star Fat Boy who may be considering another run ))pant! pant!(( at the presidency: Al, you're past your "Sell-By Date"...
I know it’s disconcerting to see DOCTORS trying to blow people up in the name of Allah or bin Laden - but check it out - just read the Hippocratic Oath… teach doctors, cure the sick, don't poison... nope, nothing in the Hippocratic Oath about not blowin' up infidels!
Jake Novak's Humor Blog
Chinese Product Problems
The Chinese government now admits that 20% of its products do not meet the country's own quality standards. And that's even after raising the minimum wage to 4 cents an hour.
Medical Insurance Form Questions at Dr. Mohammed Mohammed's Office
Blood Type, please circle one: A, B, O, Jewish.
Have you ever had: a. cancer b. bronchitis c. Infidel neighbor.
To what do you attribute your illness/pain: a. hereditary problems b. alcohol/drug abuse c. Israel.
Do you have a history of: a. blackouts b. seizures c. Zionism.
Comedian Argus Hamilton
President Bush commuted the sentence of Scooter Libby, who was President Bush's aide and Dick Cheney's chief of staff. He won't serve any jail time. Paris Hilton is officially twenty-three days more criminal than the guys who got us into the Iraq war!
(The acorn doesn't fall far, etc.)
Independence Day was celebrated in America all day July 4th with fireworks made in China. They're not so dangerous. Chinese fireworks may blow off your hand or put out your eye but they're still safer than their pet food, tires and toothpaste. 
President Bush stood by his decision Tuesday to commute Scooter Libby's prison sentence and he hinted at a pardon. It had the desired effect. That night Barry Bonds called the president and offered him the home-run ball that breaks Hank Aaron's record. 
Iraq's cabinet gave preliminary approval to a law to share their country's oil wealth with all the rival groups. The idea is to make them all too rich to fight. Republicans believe as an article of faith that money can turn swords into sand wedges. 
Teheran street protesters
began burning gasoline stations last week in anger over the Iranian government's decision to ration gasoline. The protest got very little notice or television time. U.S. news outlets chose to air interviews with a kidnapped baby's parents because showing burning gasoline would be too upsetting for Americans to bear.
Prime Minister Tony Blair bid farewell to Parliament, formally resigned from office and left Ten Downing Street. His departure has really upset President Bush, whose parents had to tell him that his poodle went to live on a farm. 
Bill Clinton told a conference in Yalta the proposed U.S. missile defense system in Europe is a colossal waste of money and is creating an unnecessary crisis with the Russians. The Mainstream Media (MSM) in the U.S. didn't report a word he said. For example, there is no such thing as an unnecessary crisis when NBC is owned by a defense contractor.
The Disney Company has taken steps to block low income housing from being built near Disney World in Orlando, Florida. Tinker Bell will just have to get used to the long commute in from Sanford - even though it makes her little wings really tired.
HEY! Guess what? There’s no Paris Hilton news this week! Well, I guess it’s time to introduce our new P.O.E.T.S. FEATURE: This Week In Paris Hilton History!
MORE from Argus!
CBS Radio was reported to be considering giving Don Imus back his radio show after firing him. It's only right. If everybody lost their livelihood over one unfunny joke, half the U.S. Senate would be voted out of office over immigration reform. 
Dublin police announced Tuesday they found bales and bales of cocaine washing up on the shores of County Cork. Inspectors say it must have spilled off a passing boat. The Irish Tourism Bureau isn't above using a little blarney to attract Los Angeles tourists to Ireland if they're afraid to fly to London or Glasgow this summer.
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RINA
THIS IS A SILLY JOKE ABOUT AN ATHEIST THAT IS FORWARDED AD NAUSEUM BY ANNOYING CHRISTIANIST PROSELYTIZERS VIA E-MAIL:
An Atheist was taking a walk through the woods, admiring all that evolution had created. "What majestic trees! What powerful rivers! What beautiful animals!", he said to himself.
As he was walking along the river, he heard a rustling in the bushes behind him. When he turned to see what the cause was, he saw a 7-foot grizzly charging right towards him. He ran as fast as he could. He looked over his shoulder and saw that the bear was closing, He ran even faster, crying in fear. He looked over his shoulder again, and the bear was even closer. His heart was pounding and he tried to run even faster. He tripped and fell on the ground. He rolled over to pick himself up, but saw the bear right on top of him, reaching for him with his left paw and raising his right paw to strike him.
At that moment, the Atheist cried out "Oh my God!...."
Time stopped. The bear froze. The forest was silent. Even the river stopped moving. As a bright light shone upon the man, a voice came out of the sky, "You deny my existence for all of these years; teach others I don'’t exist; and even credit creation to a cosmic accident. Do you expect me to help you out of this predicament? Am I to count you as a believer?"
The atheist looked directly into the light "It would be hypocritical of me to suddenly ask You to treat me as Christian now, but perhaps could you make the bear a Christian?"
"Very well," said the voice.
The light went out. The river ran again. And the sounds of the forest resumed.
And then the bear dropped his right paw ..... brought both paws together...bowed his head and spoke: "Lord, for this food which I am about to receive, I am truly thankful."
O.K., O.K., ENOUGH OF THIS TEDIOUS, WARMED-OVER SPAM - JEN HAS A REVISED VERSION OF THE TALE THAT DOESN’T RESORT TO FANTASY AND SEEMS ENTIRELY PLAUSIBLE:
An atheist was strolling through the woods, regretting the environmental damage wrought by Republican governments that have relaxed corporate pollution standards and sold out to old-growth logging interests. A giant grizzly, who was lucky enough to have escaped extinction thanks to the do-gooder liberals who passed laws to protect him, starting chasing the Atheist. Having evolved an excellent problem-solving forebrain and opposable thumbs, the Atheist quickly climbed a large tree.
Mentally thanking the people who ensured that the tree wasn’t sawed down to make cheap crap available at Wal-Mart, the Atheist patiently sat out the grizzly, who eventually wandered off in search of a less troublesome meal.
The atheist felt very pleased that he had the presence of the mind to remember what to do. He was grateful to countless millions of ancestors who were smart enough and fast enough to have eluded predators since Australopithecus, thus leaving him with a fine legacy of beautifully evolved thought processes and the presence of mind to cope with an emergency. He then drove his Toyota Prius to a restaurant for lunch, and resolved to stay in civilization, deciding that he is much too low on the food chain to fool around in the forest.
THERE, THAT’S BETTER. SEND THIS TO EVERY GOOEY CHRISTIAN IN YOUR ADDRESS BOOK, ESPECIALLY THE ONES WHO SEND YOU CRAP WITH CUTE FLUTTERING BABY ANGELS…
MARGUERITE
When Moses came down from the mountain with the clay tablets, he said, "Folks, I was able to talk Him down to 10. Unfortunately, we had to leave adultery in there, but you will notice that Solemnity was taken out."
And that night the Israelites killed the fatted calf and drank wine and told bible jokes in celebration.
A jogger takes a detour through a tennis court and spots two tennis balls on the ground. Scooping them up, he bounces them while continuing to jog. As he leaves the tennis court, he shoves them into the pockets of his shorts. A little way down the road, he spots a buddy and trots up to chat with him. They chat a couple minutes and his buddy keeps glancing down at the jogger's shorts. Finally, the buddy asks "Uh .. what on Earth are those?" as he points at the bulges in the jogger's shorts. "Tennis balls" replies the jogger. The buddy pauses and then blurts "Man, I KNOW that's gotta hurt. I had tennis elbow last Spring." 
A dirty, decrepit bum stops a man and asks for $2 to buy food. The man starts to give the bum the money and then asks, "Are you going to spend it on booze?"
"No," says the bum. Are you going to gamble with it?"
Again, "No," says the bum."
"Are you going to spend it on golf?"
"I haven't played golf for more than 20 years." the bum answers.
"Well says the man I am not going to give you this money, but I will take you home with me for a great home cooked meal."
The bum asks, "Won't your wife be angry. I smell and I am dirty."
The man answers, " She might be, but I want her to see what happens to someone who doesn't drink, gamble or play golf."
Lady In Her Prime...
Good fortune. COMMENT! Please spread the meme. Don’t smoke in bed…
