JUNE 30, 2ôô7
CELEBRATE YOUR INDEPENDENCE JULY 4!
The next P.O.E.T.S. assault will arrive on 7-7-7 or o7o7o7.
Fortunate or ominous? Be sure to click in NEXT WEEK and see!
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Check out Rev. Art's Atheist Pin-Ups! 
I'm already against the NEXT war.
Former UN General Secretary and Austria's one-time president Kurt Waldheim died in Vienna last week. He resigned from office twenty years ago when his Nazi past surfaced. He died of Waldheimer's Disease, which causes people to forget everything that happened between 1939 and 1945.
[Argus Hamilton]
Smoldering Bronze Beauty, Singer-Actress-Activist Lena Horne is 90.
"It's very expensive to be me. It's terrible the things I have to do to be me.” [Anna Nicole Smith, to a tabloid reporter]
"Amb. Ryan Crocker and Gen. David Petraeus are in the midst of a multi-faceted program that will not proceed in a linear way and will not generate clear and consistent metrics in all of its phases."
[Fred Kagan (R-Monkey) offering a 'clear-as-mud' assessment of where we stand in Iraq]
"I spent 33 years and four months in active military service and during that period I spent most of my time as a high class muscle man for Big Business, for Wall Street and the bankers. In short, I was a racketeer, a gangster for capitalism." [simultaneously highest ranking and most decorated Marine (including two Medals of Honor) Major General [Smedley Butler (also a GOP primary candidate for Senate) 1935]
"Of the delights of this world, man cares most for sexual intercouse, yet he has left it out of his heaven." [Mark Twain]
My advice to you is to get married. If you find a good wife, you'll be happy; if not, you'll become a philosopher. [Socrates]
"Dogs look up to us. Cats look down on us. Pigs treat us as equals." [Winston Churchill]
"If the Good Lord had meant for us to use the metric system - wouldn’t he have created Heaven and Earth in ten days, not seven?!" [Pastor Farley Chortle]
Momento de Zen
The emperor, who was a devout Buddhist, invited a great Zen smartass to the Palace in order to ask him questions about Buddhism.
"What is the highest truth of the holy Buddhist doctrine?" the emperor inquired.
"Vast emptiness... and not a trace of holiness," the smartass replied.
"If there is no holiness," the emperor said, "then who or what are you?"
"I do not know," the smartass replied.
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WELL HOWDY, REV’LERS! 
Welcome to Metro Fairborn, Ohio and THE STAND-UP. Its like Jenna Jameson without the vaginoplasty…
I’m Rev. Art - and I have done for blogging what Starbucks has done for those cardboard sleeves you use to hold a hot cup of coffee.
Oh, please take a few moments to peruse the photos of people in the various stages of "Grand Miasma" we have posted about the place - and contribute what you can to eradicate this calamitous affliction!!
I wonder if the Fairborn cops could use the GOOGLE Street Views to find out who keeps pissing in my bushes. I find they are urine soaked which may coincide with nights that I’ve been doin’ shots of Jameson’s at the IRA Pub but I can't remember the evening before… I'd still like to catch the sorry son of a bitch who keeps pissing in my bushes!
Rev’lers keep asking if I have any tattoos. The answer is yes, one, on my chest. I don’t show it anymore ‘cuz it's partially obscured by my man boobs…
I got to thinkin’ - did Evander Holyfield’s ear ever turn up on e-Bay?
Two roads diverged in a wood, and I took the one less traveled by,
And now where the hell am I?
CANNIBAL JOKE!
What does a cannibal who is late for dinner get to eat?
He gets the cold shoulder…
I Am Non-Involved. But don't quote me on that.
FLASHBACK: “Evening In Paris” - a popular ladies’ perfume in the ‘50s-’60s;
TODAY: “An Evening In Paris” - makes a hard man herpetetic…
Socrates is said to have said "Sure, everyone always said 'Socrates what is the meaning of life?' or 'Socrates how can I find happiness?', did anyone ever say 'Socrates, hemlock is poison.'???????"
I've developed a tolerance for pepper spray.
NEVER stand in front during a bris...
Years ago Da Pagan Baby & I were invited by her Jewish boss to his son’s bris. I was presented with an aspect of the bris that I found questionable - after the ceremony they served cold-cuts? They had a relative who was a professional comedian. He was quite funny - but I couldn’t bring myself to approach the “Tip Jar”…
I like porn as much as the next guy, but I don’t go to “Adult Book Stores”. First of all, that term is misleading. I went into an adult bookstore once years ago and I’m still wond’rin’what’s so adult about sittin’in a booth with your pants down around your ankles?
See you here again next weekend with a brand new STAND-UP! Same URL - same sweat stains…
PLEASE PROCEED TO DA POLITICS & SKIN...
This… uh, gentleman holding up the phone and screaming is the spitting image of Ankh el Bon, the manager of the Subway store in nearby Beaver Ditch, Ohio. I’d guess these excitable boys have figured out how to trigger a car bomb while downloading the latest pod cast from their holy imam.
Is the imam’s wife the imama?
When do we get to nuke Mecca? I’d be up for that…
The Rev. Fred Phelps, founder of Westboro Baptist in Kansas (ALSO SHOWN: his daddy Rev. Meshach Phelps) Pastor Fred contends that American soldiers are being killed in Iraq as vengeance from God for protecting a country that harbors gays. Members of his congregation have demonstrated at other soldier funerals across the nation. 
The Supreme Court ruled against a high school kid’s banner with the message, “BONG HITS FOR JESUS”. They said it’s not protected speech in that particular construction. Right. Isn’t this just another attack on Christians by the secularist court? }}} guffaw!! {{{
Jake Novak's Humor Blog
Death Row Decision
The Supreme Court has ruled to spare a Texas man who the court said was too mentally incompetent to be executed. But the court ruled that the man was mentally competent enough to be President of the United States. 
Segregation Decision
The Supreme Court has ruled that race cannot be a factor in the assignment of children to public schools. Immediately after the decision, Clarence Thomas was bused to a lower court.
Bald Eagle Soars
The U.S. government has taken the bald eagle off the Endangered Species Act's "threatened" list. Conservationists say this is the result of crackdowns on hunters, better awareness, and Rogaine.
(Bad News: Officials added to the endangered list - The Bald-Headed Beagle.) 
Comedian Argus Hamilton
Iranians rioted in Teheran over gas rationing last week. Angry citizens burned gas stations in protest. The Iranian government wouldn't have to deal with an informed citizenry if they would allow their starlets to drink and run around without underwear. 
President Bush hosts Vladimir Putin today in Kennebunkport at the Bush family retreat. The president is really at home there. In the living room is a painting of his father that shows him putting on his golf shoes, preparing for the long day ahead. 
President Bush meets with Russian President Vladimir Putin at his dad's home in Kennebunkport Sunday. They are going to discuss the need to restore democratic safeguards. The problem is that neither one of them is willing to make the first move. 
President Bush marked the fiftieth anniversary of the Islamic Center in Washington Wednesday. He said he'll appoint a special envoy to improve relations with Muslim nations. The leading candidate is an old friend from Texas named Bunker Buster. 
Fred Thompson drew wild applause in South Carolina Wednesday saying he opposed illegal immigration and terrorism. What a healer. It's possible to win both the white vote and black vote in South Carolina if you campaign against Arabs and Mexicans. 
President Bush met with Vietnam's president at the White House last week. He said the Vietnamese government must improve on human rights and democracy. The Vietnamese government asked if he wants to fight about it and that was pretty much the end of it!!
Rosie Perez pets Bullseye, the Target dog, as she arrives at the Los Angeles Film Festival Spirit of Independence Award ceremony honoring Clint Eastwood in Los Angeles on Thursday, June 28, 2007.
[Photo by Matt Sayles] 
MORE from Argus...
Variety said Hugh Hefner's life will be made into a movie. It covers his career, his sex exploits and his social activism. The script's not finished, but in the final credits the producers will thank Sir Alexander Fleming for inventing penicillin. 
The London Times said all the actresses and singers who once dated Fred Thompson want to campaign for him. Even his ex-wife praises him. Fred Thompson has no skeletons in his closet, that's just Calista Flockhart looking for her umbrella. 
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FOR THE LADIES: “Red Eye’s” Greg Gutfeld, maybe 10 years ago, or more. Back then he was known as Greg Nogutfeld, He keeps covered-up these days, whining that he has no time to hit the gym and now has tits. I empathize Greg. I know what's it's like to have the body of a god, and why one has to let go of perfection. You know the trials people like us face being gorgeous. I’m sure you’re happier now, as am I.
RINA
A 90-year-old man is having his annual check-up.
The doctor asks him how he is doing.
"I've never been better!" he replies. "I have an 18 year old bride who is pregnant with my child! What do you think about that?"
The doctor considers this for a moment and then says: "Well, let me tell you a story: I know a guy who is an avid hunter. He never misses a season. But one day, he is in a bit of a hurry and he accidentally grabs his umbrellainstead of his gun. So, he walks in the woods near a creek and he spots a beaver in some brush in front of him. He raises up his umbrella, points it at the beaver and squeezes the handle. *BAM*, the beaver drops dead in front of him."
"That's impossible!", says the old man in disbelief. "Someone else must have shot that beaver!"
"Exactly!"
JANET is a college graduate in Ghana
Haiki You!
nipples red
like flowing wine
sip sip lick lick
MIKA
What is the main difference between the 2007 Cincinnati Reds Baseball Team...and a 40-year-old virgin on his first date? The virgin has a better chance of scoring.
Two men are driving through Saskatchewan when they get pulled over by a Mountie. The Mountie walks up to the car and taps on the window with his nightstick. The driver rolls down the window and "WHACK", the Mountie smacks him in the head with the stick.
The driver yells, "What the hell was that for?"
The Mountie says, "You're in Saskatchewan son. When we pull you over, you better have your license ready when we get to your car."
The quivering driver says, "I'm sorry, Officer, I'm not from around here."
The Mountie runs a check on the guys license, and he's clean. He gives the guy his license back and walks around to the passenger side and taps on the window.
The puzzled passenger rolls down the window and "WHACK", the Mountie smacks him with the nightstick too.
The passenger yells, "What'd you do that for?!"
The Mountie says, "Just making your wish come true."
The passenger says, "Huh?"
The Mountie says, "I know that two miles down the road you're gonna say, "I wish that asshole would've tried that shit with me."
ARY
Two guys from south Alabama would go moose hunting in Canada every year without success. Year after year, they hunted and hunted, but always came home without a moose. Finally they came up with a foolproof plan. They rented a very authentic cow moose costume and learned the mating call of a cow moose. The plan was to hide inside the costume, lure in a bull moose, then come out of the costume, surprising the moose before shooting it.
So, upon arriving in Canada, they set themselves up on the edge of a clearing, in costume, and gave the moose love call. Before long their call was answered by a large bull moose roaming around the edge of the forest. They called again, and the moose answered closer to them. They called again, and the moose answered, then came crashing out of the forest and into the clearing. As the moose's pounding hoof beats got closer the Alabamian in front said, "OK, let's git out and git him".
After a moment the guy in the back shouts: "THE GOLDURN ZIPPER HIS STUCK, WHUT’RE WE GON’ DO!?"
The guy in the front says, "Well, I'm goner start t’ nibbling’ grass, but y’all better brace ye’se’f!"
Mrs. Donovan was walking down O'Connell Street in Dublin when she met up with Father Rafferty. The pastor said, "Top o' the mornin' to ye! Aren't ye Mrs. Donovan and didn't I marry ye's and yer husband 2 years ago?"
She replied, "Aye, that ye did, Fa'her."
The Father asked, "And be there any wee 'uns yet?"
She replied, "No, not yet, Fa'her."
The Father said, "Well now, I'm going to Rome next week and I'll light a candle for ye and yer husband."
She replied, "Oh, thank ye, Fa'her."
They parted ways. Some years later they met again.
The priest asked, "Well now, Mrs. Donovan, how are ye these days?"
She replied, "Oh, very well, Fa'her!"
He asked, "And tell me, have ye any wee 'uns yet?"
She replied, "Oh yes, Fa'her! Three sets of twins and 4 singles, 10 in all!"
The priest said, "That's wonderful! How is yer loving husband doing?"
She replied, "E's gone t' Rome, he has - t' blow out yer fookin' candle!"
ACTOR JESSICA ALBA
Good fortune. COMMENT! Please spread the meme. Don’t smoke in bed…
