MINISTER OF RANTS

Trucker Greetings

P.O.E.T.S. - 082507 || MOTHER TERESA - ATHEIST! ... CERTIFIED SAFE CHINESE IMPORTS... DA REV & MISS DOLLY... DUBYA'S AN AUTHORITY ON 'NAM?... MICHAEL VICK=DOG MEAT... PUTIN'S TOO SEXY FOR HIS SHIRT... POLITICS & SKIN...

 


      August 25, 2ôô7

BUSH's Plan for Iraq

THE GROWN-UP CHOICE!
 

She's ready!

Are we?

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LUNAR ECLIPSE

The Earth's shadow will creep across the moon's surface early Tuesday, slowly eclipsing it and turning it to shades of orange and red. There’s no word on how this may affect the growing mortgage crisis.




Helmsley Dies


Leona Helmsmen has died at age 87. She's finally going somewhere where the IRS can't find her. Jake Novak's Humor Blog

“Only the little people pay taxes…” [Leona, The Queen of Mean]




Our Baby Boy Number One, Darren Eliot Hites, is half-way to 50 this week - counting from 40!

Marlee Beth Matlin (42) is an Academy Award-winning American actress who is almost completely deaf. She’s married to cop Kevin Grandalski and they have 4 kids. Wikipedia

(She should never be confused with the unattractive shrew Republican flack who made a living spinning the monstrous unconstitutional antics of the Dick Cheney. No matter what some may say, her husband James Carville is the more attractive of the pair.)

ON THIS DATE (AUG 21) in 1888: The first adding machine was patented. Back then I’d guess it wasn't so hard to invent the adding machine. There weren't as many numbers as there are now, right? Tom's Lake

Diet Coke is celebrating its 25th anniversary. We LOVE Diet Coke. We do not accept bland substitutes (Anything Pepsi). If it weren’t for Diet Coke I’d probably be obese today!




Caricature by Glen Ferguson

“… I have no Faith - I dare not utter the words & thoughts that crowd in my heart - & make me suffer untold agony. So many unanswered questions live within me afraid to uncover them - because of the blasphemy - If there be God - please forgive me - When I try to raise my thoughts to Heaven - there is such convicting emptiness that those very thoughts return like sharp knives & hurt my very soul. - I am told God loves me - and yet the reality of darkness & coldness & emptiness is so great that nothing touches my soul. Did I make a mistake in surrendering blindly to the Call of the Sacred Heart?”
[The Late Mother Teresa, addressing “Jesus”]

David van Biema, writing @ Time.com says that the late Mother Teresa, from her personal writings over 50 years, appeared this week more like “the woman in the archetypal country-and-western song who holds a torch for her husband 30 years after he left to buy a pack of cigarettes and never returned.”

"She was no more exempt from the realization that religion is a human fabrication than any other person, and that her attempted cure was more and more professions of faith could only have deepened the pit that she had dug for herself."
[Christopher Hitchens, author of The Missionary Position, a scathing polemic on Teresa, and more recently of the atheist manifesto God Is Not Great]

Caricature by Jan OpDeBeeck

"I remain convinced that most popular public proselytizers know in their hearts that what they preach is a wholesale tapestry of lies and primitive folk tales. If Jerry Falwell died thinking he was headed for an eternal buffet at Jesus’s own banquet hall, than he was a damn fool, and not the shrewd, power and money-grubbing hustler I always thought he was. The late Pope John Paul I was a classical scholar and a consummate salesman. Forgive me, but I just can’t believe he had not made peace with his doubts early in his priesthood. The late Ayatollah Khomeini inspired the unwashed mobs AND the university students to sue for overthrow of the tyrannical Shah, carefully orchestrating anti-Western resentments with a harshly simple theocratic fundamentalist government dressed up as a parliamentary system. Mother Teresa only smiled in the presence of the rich and famous and the promise of increasing wealth pouring into the coffers of her worldwide organization.

The simplistic faith that a Teresa or a Falwell or a Pope Benny or an Ayatollah prescribes for the masses is incongruous with the power and wealth for which their every waking thought and purpose is focused as they grasp and grovel to acquire the trappings of success as they measure their lives by the most extravagant secular standards. In the end, Teresa was a charlatan like all the others, building a career, then an empire, upon the patchwork of fraudulent claims and foolishness that she could not accept as her own.”
[Rev. Art - Freethought Evangelist]

"For you little kids out there: if you have a Barbie, don't lick Barbie because she could have lead in there."
[Rash Limbo, who licks Kens, not Barbies]
Thanx t’ BartCop

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WELL HOWDY, REV’LERS! 


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I’m Rev. Art. Welcome to our crib in Metro Fairborn and THE STAND-UP! - Its like Wal-Mart without all the flags and jingoistic bunting and other dangerous Chinese imports…


PLEASE - join Da Rev & Da Pagan Baby in contributing to an all out effort to eradicate a horrific malady brought to our attention by Phil and Sue - I hope we can count on a check from everyone here this weekend for $500. or more for continuing research into “Stinking Ancestral Cankered Pustules”!



Certified Safe Chinese Import

I love blogging. Blogging is my life.
Blogging is the butter on my bread.
Blogging is the gravy on my potatoes.
Blogging is the horseradish sauce on my Graeter’s raspberry chocolate chip ice cream.
And so on and so forth… Tom's Lake



Certified Safe Chinese Import

My skills with do-it-yourself home repairs are at best mediocre. After trying several times to fix a leak in the bathroom, I finally admitted defeat and called a plumber Wednesday, who finished the job in ten minutes. Watching him put away his equipment, my wife asked what had been the problem.
"Well," the plumber replied, "your husband got hold of some tools..."



My brother who lives in Clearwater, FL was havin’ a few brewskis with a cement contractor who does a lot of business with mobile home-park residents in the area. Many of them, leisure-loving retirees, order green cement "lawns" so that they no longer have to mow grass and pull weeds. Although most customers are happy with their no-care yards, one man called to express dissatisfaction. The contractor told my brother that when he drove out to the mobile-home park, he found no apparent cause for complaint.
"I hate to brag," the contractor said to the man, "but this cement looks as good as it did the day I poured it."
"That's the trouble," groaned the man. "It's too perfect, and it's getting on my nerves. I want you to paint a couple of patches of dandelions here in the front."


I see Hans is here even though he has a ZITGEIST on his nose. Zitgeist? The Clearasil doesn't quite cover it up.

When Rick arrived, he announced, “MONAGE A TROIS!” (I am three years old?!) Thanx to Gina Smith


I asked Eldred - "Eldred, why don't you play golf with Ted anymore?"
"Would you play golf with a fellow who moved the ball with his foot when you weren't watching?" Eldred asked in reply.
"Well, no," I admitted.
Eldred huffed, "Neither will Ted."

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Rod is a locksmith. Last Saturday evening he saw a group of young partiers park near his shop and dump trash from their car on his property. As soon as they were out of sight, the Rod picked the lock on their car door, put the garbage back inside and relocked the car. Rod, we SALUTE!


MISS DOLLY

Years ago when I was a performing outlaw country singer, a well-known local Country DJ friend Jim Howell presented me with a backstage pass to see Dolly Parton. “Just tell Marsha at the ticket window that you’re a friend of mine and she’ll let you in without buying a ticket,” Jim advised.
I took advantage of his offer and told the woman in the box office that I was a friend of Jim Howell. "Just go on in," she told me.
As I was walking away, I heard the lady behind me say, "We're friends of Omar Williams.”
Omar’s a (now-retired in FL) beloved veteran TV sportscaster from our area…


Certified Safe Chinese Import (It's MEAT!)

A good buddy, Jack, just returned from hiking the Appalachian Trail - from the Highlands of Roan in Tennessee to the strenuous trek up Katahdin in Maine! Upon reaching the end of his journey, he proudly boasted of his success to an attendant in a motel near the Portland International Airport. "I guess that makes me almost a native," he crowed.
"Not hardly," replied the attendant. "A native would've had more sense."


I have the popularly-recognized first rock ‘n’ roll song - “Rock Around the Clock” - on a 78 RPM record and on a 45 RPM single, as well as on a vinyl long-play 33-1/3 RPM album and a “Bill Haley’s Greatest Hits” CD. And now my grandson says he can download it online for me for nothing’!? I wanna be a TEENAGER again!

When was the last time you recorded on an audio cassette? Ahhh… I wonder where all those “romantic and/or personal mix” tapes are today?

Here’s a free sound recorder you probably need:



ALERT! There’s a report that boxes of kitty litter imported from China may contain QUICKSAND! Tom's Lake


Certified Safe Chinese Import

Keith and I were talkin’ about “out of body” experiences. I told him I’m a skeptic. He said, “You’re better off! One time in 1987 my soul left my body, flipped me off, and now I still have no idea where it went!”



M R Ducks.
M R Not.
O S A R.
C M Wings.
O L B.

Take a look - Gypsy Caravan Wagons: they’re beautiful!

I-I-I-I MUST BE OFF!!

AND NOW - HERE'S THE POLITICS & SKIN!


Greg Gutfeld
Argentina's first lady and front-runner in the October presidential election rejected comparisons this week with U.S. presidential hopeful Hillary Clinton despite both women's hopes to follow their husbands into office.
Sen. Cristina Fernandez de Kirchner and Clinton, a Democratic senator from New York, also are lawyers who met their husbands at universities but Fernandez said the comparisons ended there.


(Photo - Senator Fernandez enhancing her husband's image while demonstrating what Hillary should learn to do with her mouth...)


Argus Hamilton's Comments on Current Events
President Bush blasted Iraq war opponents in a VFW speech Wednesday and blamed Vietnam War opponents for the post-war genocide in Indochina. He should lighten up. The difference between Jane Fonda and George Bush is that Jane Fonda went to Vietnam.


The Chimperor defended his Iraq policy in a speech to the Veterans of Foreign Wars. First we backed the Shiites to oust the Sunnis, now we're backing the Sunnis to oust the Shiites. At least in Vietnam we stayed on the same side for twenty years.


Senator John Warner called on President Bush Thursday to begin withdrawing the U.S. troops from Iraq. He's the most respected Republican in the Senate. John Warner was once married to Elizabeth Taylor, so he knows an expensive mistake when he sees one.


U.S. Senator Carl Levin left Baghdad last week and demanded the overthrow of Iraq's government. He spoke to reporters in a conference call from Tel Aviv. It's the only city in the Middle East where it's safe to stand still long enough to make a phone call.

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Jake Novak's Humor Blog
Rapper DMX's Home Raided
Police in Arizona have removed several pit bulls from rapper DMX's home. The dogs are being sent to Virginia where they've been subpoenaed to testify against Michael Vick.

MORE Argus
Mexico dropped all charges against Dog, the Bounty Hunter last week. The reality show star abducted a rape suspect hiding in Mexico and brought him home to the U.S. Michael Vick isn't likely to flee the country as long as America has a bounty hunter named Dog.

Michael Vick agreed to a plea deal for arranging dog fights, prompting concerns for his safety in prison. He will be confined in a prison full of felons, most of whom, loved their dogs. Usually the dog was the only member of the family who was always glad to see them.

Arkansas lawmakers said they made a mistake when they passed a marriage law that lets children get married with parental consent. It's a huge mess. The previous law banned marriage between gay people unless they can prove they're related.

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A HUNK FOR THE LADIES!


The Daily Gut
He's too sexy for his shirt. He is not just a dictator, he is a manwich!

(With guns like that who would want an arms embargo?)

And wearing the cross - his mama gave to him. Wow! Now I understand why W. had Pootie-Poot to both the ranch in Texas and to the family home up in Maine! This guy is hot!

"WHAT'S RUSSIAN FOR 'BOLOGNA BOOBS'"
My tsar has a first name,
It's V-L-A-D-Y.
My tsar has a second name,
It's P-U-T-I-N.
Oh, I love him, love him, every day
'Cause if I don't he's sure to say:
"Radiate his/her ass all day with plu-to-ni-um-2-3-8".

A MAN and his dog are shipwrecked on a deserted island. After a few days he decides to take the dog and reconnoiter the island. He discovers that the only other inhabitants are sheep. He recalls how his farm buddies would brag how they would screw sheep for kicks and he says to himself: "I'll never be that desperate."

Sooooo, a few weeks later he can't get those sheep out of his mind, and soon he's sneaking up on the flock. Just as he is about to pounce on a really cute one, the dog grabs his leg and won't let go. He snaps out of it, and thanks the dog for keeping him from making a fool of himself. This same scene happens every night for a month and the guy starts to get really pissed at the dog.

Then one day, the man spies a life-raft bobbing in the surf. In the raft is a beautiful young girl, barely alive. He takes her back to his hut, revives her and nurses her to health. After a few days the girl is feeling fine, and that evening a rush of gratitude sweeps over her... She confronts the man: "I owe you my life. I'm yours forever. I'll do anything you want"
"Anything?"
"Anything!!"
"OK, hold that dog for ten minutes!"


A couple of women were playing golf one sunny Saturday morning. The first of the twosome teed off and watched in horror as her ball headed directly toward a foursome of men playing the next hole. Indeed, the ball hit one of the men, and he immediately clasped his hands together at his crotch, fell to the ground and proceeded to roll around in evident agony. The woman rushed down to the man and immediately began to apologize. She said, "Please allow me to help. I'm a physical therapist and I know I could relieve your pain if you'd allow."
"Ummph, oooh, nnooo, I'll be all right . . . I'll be fine in a few minutes," he replied breathlessly as he remained in the fetal position still clasping his hands together at his crotch. But she persisted, and he finally allowed her to help him. She gently took his hands away and laid them to the side, she loosened his pants, and she put her hands inside. She began to massage him. She then asked him, "How does that feel?"
To which he replied, "It feels great, but my thumb still hurts like hell."


MITSUYA

A retiree was given a set of golf clubs by his co-workers. Thinking he'd try the game, he asked the local pro for lessons, explaining that he knew nothing whatever of the game. The pro showed him the stance and swing, then said, "Just hit the ball toward the flag on the first green."

The novice teed up and smacked the ball straight down the fairway and onto the green, where it stopped inches from the hole. "Now what?" the fellow asked the speechless pro.

"Uh. . . you're supposed to hit the ball into the cup," the pro finally said, after he was able to speak again.

"Oh great! NOW you tell me!" said the beginner in a disgusted tone.


DURING a riverboat excursion, the weather turned cold and rainy, and the passengers huddled together for warmth. The captain shouted down to the crew's quarters, "Is there a mackintosh down there large enough to keep three young ladies warm?"
"Nay," came the booming reply, "but ther-r-re's a MacPher-r-rson who'd like to try."


Good fortune. COMMENT! Please spread the meme. Don’t smoke in bed…

P.O.E.T.S. - 081807 || BUKOWSKI'S BIRTHDAY... LONGEST WORD... FRIGHTENING CONSPIRACY... BUSH'S BRAIN HAS LEFT THE BUILDING... REPUBLICANS LEAVING IN DROVES... BOYCOTT BARBIES MADE IN CHINA... STILL ARGUING RELIGION... CHRISTIAN-ONLY FRAT BANNED... IMUS!!

  August 18, 2ôô7












Michael K. Deaver (69) close adviser to Ronald Reagan who directed the President's pictorial and symbolic public appearances. Deaver was praised and scorned as an expert on media manipulation for focusing as much on how the President looked as on what he said. Deaver's own image suffered in 1987 when he was convicted on three of five counts of perjury stemming from statements he made to a congressional subcommittee and a federal grand jury investigating his lobbying activities. He was sentenced to three years' probation, fined $100,000, and ordered to perform 1,500 hours of public service. He died of pancreatic cancer in Bethesda, Maryland on August 18, 2007. Life In Legacy




Poet-novelist-screenwriter Charles Bukowski would be 87. One critic has described Charles Bukowski's fiction as a "detailed depiction of a certain taboo male fantasy: the uninhibited bachelor, slobby, anti-social, and utterly free." Since his death, in 1994, Bukowski has been the subject of a number of critical articles and books about both his life and writings… He has become an icon and heroic role-model for many of the disaffected. Bukowski died of leukemia in 1994 at the age of 73. Wikipedia


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Peanuts - as interpreted by Bukowski




"Do what's right for you, as long as it don't hurt no one."
[Elvis Presley, Died August 16, 1977]

Order Elvis HERE

I find nothing noble about church leaders pandering to homophobia. It is quite distracting and morally reprehensible.
[John Shelby Spong, Episcopal Scholar; Bishop, Retired]

"The ink of a scholar is more sacred than the blood of the martyr."
[Attributed to Muhammed]

All we can do is to keep assuring the Christianist mouth-breathers that in America they are welcome to believe and proselytize any damn nonsense that gets 'em all warm & runny to their OWN primitive, tainted spawn - but they CAN not, SHALL not, MUST not be permitted to inflict their anti-intellectual, counter-rational, hysterical mass of warbling inanity upon the REST of us and the children we nurture with loving care and respect for FACTS and EVIDENCE. [Rev. Art - Freethought Evangelist]

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WELL HOWDY, REV’LERS!

I’m Rev. Art. Welcome to our crib in Metro Fairborn and THE STAND-UP! - Its like “The Apprentice” without the bad comb-over.

We had a great time Saturday @ the Fairborn Sweet Corn Festival. Da Rev was one of several volunteer on-air personalities staffing the WSWO-FM, ULTIMATE OLDIES Radio booth. ULTIMATE OLDIES is publicly-supported and broadcasts 24/7 @ 101.5 on the FM dial with a listening range accessible to Huber Heights, Fairborn, most of Beavercreek, the northern half of Dayton, and Tipp City.

I got to indulge myself in a delectable "Bahama Mama" sausage on a bun with brown mustard and horseradish. The "Bahama Mama" is one of the gourmet sausage products from Schmidt's Sausage in Columbus' German Village. Then Da Pagan baby & I took home a couple of outstanding pork rib dinners from the Rigby's (of Springfield) barbecue stand.

As for the corn - we couldn't get near the grilled corn. We were surprised there was corn for eating. Somehow I don't think the "Fairborn Sweet Ethanol Festival" next year will be as popular...

PLEASE - join Da Rev & Da Pagan Baby in contributing to an all out effort to eradicate a horrific malady brought to our attention by Tom and Sandy - I hope we can count on a check from everyone here this weekend for $500. or more for continuing research into “Red Atrophy of the Epiglotus”!


(DA REV'S PERSONAL HERO - UNDERDOG)

Light travels faster than sound. This is why some people appear bright until you hear them speak.

Dyslexics are teople poo...

Onomatopoeia, I don’ wanna see ya… Thanks to Gina for this:
The longest word in ANY language is "honorificabilitudinitatibus". You can find it in Shakespeare…

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First there was a problem with Chinese pet food. Then there was a problem with Chinese toothpaste. Next, it was Chinese toys. Now - in a shocking development - an investigation has revealed many Chinese fortune cookies are totally inaccurate! Tom's Lake

THERE ISN'T ENOUGH ALUMINUM FOIL IN THE WORLD TO PROTECT YOU FROM EXTRATERRESTRIALS OR DETECTION BY BLACK OPS (IN BLACK HELICOPTERS) AND EXTERMINATION!

HEARD ANY GOOD CONSPIRACY THEORIES LATELY?
You’re invited to spread the following to your list. The nation’s inboxes have been a little bland of late…

What THEY Don't Want You to Know:

In order to understand how THEIR their goal of COMPLETE CONTROL OF ALL GLOBAL MEDIA, INCLUDING THE INTERNET, may be accomplished - you need to realize that everything is controlled by the Buckeye Institute, a conservative think tank made up of Brahmin Hindus in London and Beavercreek (Ohio) with help from the Children of the Corn.

The conspiracy first started with disaffection with Napoleon after his defeat at Waterloo and is currently believed to have heavily infiltrated Martha's Vineyard. THEY have been responsible for many events throughout history, including, of course, 911.

Today, members of the conspiracy are everywhere. In Ohio they plan to gain power in the State Capitol by commandeering tour buses from places as unlikely as Fairborn.

In order to prepare for this, when we confront one of THEM we must be prepared to initiate a challenge with a glove-slap. And choose your weapons carefully. Your 3rd Degree Black Belt won't stand up so well to a bazooka...

DETECTING BOLOGNA SINCE 1996

In this photo provided by the Denver Zoo, a golden lion tamarin monkey carries one of the twins born to the first-time parents, Rosie and Simao, in this photograph taken on Thursday, Aug. 16, 2007, at the Denver Zoo. Both newborns weigh less than 100 grams, the equivalent of an average-sized kiwi fruit. Golden lion tamarins are native to the coastal forests of Brazil and are classifed as endangered since there are only an estimated 1,000 individuals remaining in the wild.
[Photo by David Parsons] BartCop Entertainment

How’s this for a bumper sticker? “OUR CAT/DOG IS SMARTER THAN YOUR CHIMPEROR.”
 
It seems Republican office holders are quitting in droves (and Roves) in order to spend more time with their families - and to spend more time fucking little boys. (There are still a lot more of them than we’re comfortable with at this time…) Wonkette
 
In that ongoing e-mail GAWD Debate I mentioned last week - Tony posted something inflammatory about me Thursday. He waited for me to respond, then he went back deleted my post so that it appears that the I, the atheist, am attacking him, the Christian, for no reason. Then he tried get me to admit that I KNOW God exists, but Satan has seduced me!

I got an e-mail comment from someone who identifies as “burned”. It says, “Reading your blog is kinda like learning that Oprah’s got a pole rash…” www.tomslake.com

I-I-I-  

 
Jake Novak's Humor Blog
Stocks Melt
The stock market selloff continues as traders realize that there are more bad loans out there, hedge funds are failing, and perhaps a 2-bedroom shack in Alabama isn't worth $500,000 after all.



Giuliani Family
Rudy Giuliani was asked by a reporter why he should expect loyalty from voters when he doesn't get it from his own kids. Giuliani responded by saying the media needs to leave his family completely alone... something he's done successfully for more than 10 years now.


Rove Resigns
In his farewell comments, an emotional Karl Rove characterized his tenure in the White House as a "witness to history"... a witness who takes the fifth.
 
Argus Hamilton's Current Affairs Liners
President Bush announced at the White House Monday that his top aide Karl Rove was stepping down. The departing aide is known by everyone as Bush's Brain. Now everyone is checking the Terri Schiavo precedent to see if we can do the decent thing.

Canada conducted naval exercises Thursday to guard its claim to the North Pole from the Russians. There's oil down there. If only Dick Cheney had overthrown Santa Claus instead of Saddam Hussein, gas would be down to one dollar a gallon by now.


Wall Street took investors on a scary roller coaster ride on Thursday. There's good reason for the jitters. Wall Street was not happy to find out that the reason consumer spending is holding up so well is that nobody's making their mortgage payment.

Graceland hosted a candlelight procession Wednesday to mark the thirtieth anniversary of Elvis Presley's death in Memphis. What a singer and lover and superstar. It's just a reminder that we need to appreciate Bill Clinton while we've still got him.

Russia declared Wednesday a National Day of Conception to stimulate the birth rate. Any couple who gives birth nine months from now will win money and prizes. This is what countries without a Mexican border have to do to increase their population.

Gentleman's Quarterly rated Secretary of State Kindasleazzy Rice as the most powerful person in Washington D.C. in its poll Tuesday. (WTF?!?) She has had no peace treaties or cease-fires on her watch. Condi Rice is the only diplomat ever to be the centerfold in Defense Contractor magazine.
 
Democratic candidates said this week that infrastructure decay in America is an emergency. Recently we have seen bridges and overpasses collapse and levees break and steam pipes explode. If this were a terrorist attack we would have surrendered by now.

President Bush said Thursday he empathizes with Americans who are losing their homes due to the credit crisis. He added there will be no federal bailout for them. The New Orleans mayor just issued a proclamation welcoming everybody else to the club.

WHAT?! You don’t think there’s something disturbingly WRONG with Giuliani? Watch THIS:

 
BUSH FEELING MELANCHOLY

August 16th, 2007
Crawford, TX (LaughFish.com) – A somber President Bush said that he will never forget where he was when he found out that Elvis had been dead for 30 years. “I was in the den at my Crawford ranch when I heard Deborah Norville say it on Inside Edition,” lamented Mr. Bush.

JENNA ENGAGED
Jenna Bush, daughter of the Chimperor, is engaged to marry a suitable white bread guy named Henry Haver (not shown) SOON!

How will the First Twin manage the pregnancy that is the impetus for the quicky nuptials announcement - and her fondness for Tequila?
 
MORE From Jake
Young Marrieds
EEK!! A new Arkansas law technically allows toddlers to marry with parental consent... which means that if y’all can't potty train your daughter by next month, it's gonna be her husband's problem.

A new Arkansas law technically allows toddlers to marry with parental consent. I'm not sure if this is in some way connected to the fact that Michael Jackson just moved to Little Rock.
(Whut?!? Oh, no - the taboo against same sex civil unions remains solidly in place.)



Imus Settles
Don Imus has settled his lawsuit against CBS. The network couldn't honestly claim he was an embarrassment to the company when it still puts Katie Couric on the air every night.

China Manufacturer Suicide
The head of a Chinese manufacturing company accused of shipping hundreds of thousands of lead-tainted toys later recalled in the United States has committed suicide... but it's also possible he simply didn't read the directions before playing with a new "Kill Me Elmo" toy on the factory floor.

Merv's Legacy
Merv Griffin is being remembered as the man behind several American innovations, including "Jeopardy!", "Wheel of Fortune," and gay sexual harassment.

Christian Frat
The University of Florida is banning an all-male Christian-only fraternity. And that's a good thing, since so many college guys are just dying to join a frat where no one ever drinks or gets lucky on a date.

The University of Florida is banning an all-male Christian-only fraternity. Of course, there already are plenty of all-male Christian-only fraternities in America... they're called "monasteries."

 
MORE from Argus
Mattel was hit by complaints Tuesday from toy store owners who were not warned about all the recalled toys made in China. The company is trying to appease them. Mattel will ship them two grades of Barbie dolls this Christmas, regular and unleaded.

Mattel recalled nine million more toys made in China Monday due to the lead found in them. They don't know how long there's been lead in the plastic. They're asking parents if they ever used a Barbie doll to explain the Clinton scandals to their kids.


The United States Mint rolled out the new Thomas Jefferson dollar coin Tuesday in Washington. Each president will get one. Already there is heated debate among engravers at the mint over which girls will be tails on the Clinton and Kennedy coins.

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HUNKS FOR THE LADIES: Frankie Godoy
 

 
Felicia
From:Abby Winters

At one point during a game, the coach called one of his
7-year-old baseball players aside and asked, "Do you understand what cooperation is? What a team is?"

The little boy nodded in the affirmative.

"Do you understand that what matters is whether we win or lose together as a team?"

The little boy nodded yes.

"So," the coach continued, "I'm sure you know, when an out is called, you shouldn't argue, curse, attack the umpire, or call him a pecker-head. Do you understand all that?"

Again the little boy nodded.

He continued, "And when I take you out of the game so another
boy gets a chance to play, it's not good sportsmanship to call
your coach 'a dumb asshole' is it?"

Again the little boy nodded.

"Good," said the coach. "Now go over there and explain all that
to your mother."

Petria
From:Abby Winters

Bill, Jim, and Scott were at a convention together and were sharing a large suite on the top of a 75 story sky scraper. After a long day of meetings they were shocked to hear that the elevators in their hotel were broken and they would have to climb 75 flights of stairs to get to their room.

Bill said to Jim and Scott, let's break the monotony of this unpleasant task by concentrating on something interesting. I'll tell jokes for 25 flights, and Jim can sing songs for 25 flights, and Scott can tell sad stories the rest of the way.

At the 26th floor Bill stopped telling jokes and Jim began to sing. At the 51st floor Jim stopped singing and Scott began to tell sad stories. "I will tell my saddest story first," he said. "I left the room key in the car!"
 
Annabella
From:Abby Winters

While driving along the back roads of a small town, two Alabama truckers came to an overpass with a sign that read CLEARANCE 11'3". They got out and measured their rig, which was 12'4".

"What do you think?" one asked the other.

The driver looked around carefully, then shifted into first. "Not a cop in sight. Let's take a chance!"
 
Carmen
From:Abby Winters

I met an older woman at a bar. She was okay for 61. We drank a bit, had a bit of song.

After a while she asked if I'd ever had the "Sportsman's Double."

I said, "What's the Sportsman's Double?"

She said, "A mother and daughter threesome."

I said, "No, but it sounds good!"

We drank a bit more then she said that tonight was my lucky night.

We went back to her place. She turned on the hall light and shouted upstairs: "Mom, you still awake?"

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Yvette Bova

Two good ole boys in a trailer park in Tennessee, were sitting around talking one afternoon over a cold beer.
After a while, the 1st guy says to the 2nd, "If'n I was to sneak over to your trailer Saturday & make love to your wife while you was off huntin' and she got pregnant and had a baby, would that make us kin ?"

The 2nd guy crooked his head sideways for a minute, scratched his head,
And squinted his eyes thinking real hard about the question. Finally, he
Says, "Well, I don't know about kin, but it sure would make us even."

'tis the season...

Good fortune. COMMENT! Please spread the meme. Don’t smoke in bed…

P.O.E.T.S. - 081107 || MURRAY - OUTLAW MINING CO... WE CHECK IN WITH MISS WELBY'S BLOG... "IT'S TOO DAMN HOT!!"... DEMS GAY Q & A... DEBATING FUNDIES... PETA's LYIN' ABOUT THE BABY SEALS... NEW RICHEST MAN DISPLACES BILL GATES!... POLITICS & SKIN...

August 11, 2ôô7

THIS BLOG PROLONGS ACTIVE RANTS!




Lee Hazlewood (78) one of the most influential figures in 20th-century pop music. Most famous as mentor to Nancy Sinatra, for whom he wrote "These Boots Are Made for Walkin'" (the title was suggested by a line from Robert Aldrich's western, Four for Texas [1963], starring Nancy's father and Dean Martin). Hazlewood was also an important influence on Phil Spector's "Wall of Sound" recording techniques, and his songs have been covered by stars from Elvis Presley and Dusty Springfield to Nick Cave and Courtney Love. (Lee produced a lot of hits on Duane Eddy. He wrote “The Fool”, a Rockabilly classic for Sanford Clark in 1956. Hazlewood produced most of Clark’s recordings through the ‘80s). He died of cancer near Las Vegas, Nevada on August 5, 2007.

Merv Griffin died Sunday at age 82... but he's still looks better than Larry King.

Jimmy Wales (41) is the founder of Wikipedia, the on-line encyclopedia. Actually -different Wikipedia entries show Jimmy's date of birth as August 7th 1966 - August 23rd 1938 - and March 18, 1965.


Rhonda Fleming (84) nicknamed the "Queen of Technicolor", is an American actress. Born in Hollywood, California as Marilyn Louis, Fleming made over forty films, mostly in the forties and fifties - with top featured roles in David O. Selznick's Spellbound (1945), directed by Alfred Hitchcock, and another classic thriller The Spiral Staircase (1946). She then co-starred with Bing Crosby in A Connecticut Yankee in King Arthur's Court (1949) based on a book by Mark Twain. Among her most famous movies are: Gunfight at the O.K. Corral (1957), While the City Sleeps (1956) and The Big Circus (1959). In 1953, she starred in Serpent of the Nile and became one of a number of leading Hollywood actresses to play the legendary Egyptian Queen, Cleopatra.
Her most recent film was Waiting for the Wind (1990). (Rhonda was a fine singer, though she recorded only two albums.)



“Maybe Giuliani inhaled a little too much World Trade Center dust as he held up the towers himself, waiting for help to arrive.” [Wonkette]

“Freedom is not a concept in which people can do anything they want, be anything they can be. Freedom is about authority. Freedom is about the willingness of every single human being to cede to lawful authority a great deal of discretion about what you do.” [Benito Giuliani]


"My religious affiliation, my religious practices and the degree to which
I am a good or not so good Catholic, I prefer to leave to the priests..."
[Rudy, who brought his whore to church]

"The United States should not be in the business of 'disappearing' people."
[Rep. Jan Schakowsky (D-Ill.)]

"Hillary is a disaster waiting to happen, and there's an 80% chance that she's the next president of the United States."
[Rush the “hillbilly heroin” junkie, so afraid of strong women]


“I can’t give you the precise moment, but obviously the minute I heard that the facts that most people believed were true were not true, that I expect there to be a full investigation and get to the bottom of it.”
[Monkey-boy Bush's actual quote when asked when he learned about the Pat Tillman cover-up.]

Translation of the above into Texass: "I don't recall whether the Predator drone camera footage of our successful assassination of Tillman was live or on some sort of tape-delay, so I'm not 100% sure of when I knew we'd pulled it off." [David Flores, commenting @ Wonkette]

"God bless the people of this part of the world."
[W, this week in Minneapolis]

"Holding on to anger is like grasping a hot coal with the intent of throwing it at someone else; you are the one who gets burned." [attributed to The Buddha]

“I didn't believe in reincarnation in my last life, either!” [Rev. Art]

MOMENT OF ZEN…
The emperor, who was a devout Buddhist, invited a great Zen master to the Palace in order to ask him questions about Buddhism. "What is the highest truth of the holy Buddhist doctrine?" the emperor inquired.
"Vast emptiness... and not a trace of holiness," the master replied.
"If there is no holiness," the emperor said, "then who or what are you?"
"I do not know," the master replied.


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WELL HOWDY, REV’LERS!

I’m Rev. Art. Welcome to our crib in Metro Fairborn, Ohio and THE STAND-UP! - which is like Jesus - but without raising anyone from the dead.


I see no reason to try to dance around it. Blogging is a choice!


A shout out to MISS WELBY - a decidedly dangerous but lovely journalist blogging from an undisclosed location in Europe! Check out her very classy blog!

MISS WELBY proposes, “You've rented a sky-writer to propose to your significant other, but it's completely overcast. What will you do?”
Well, I COULD get down on one knee in a nice restaurant (here in Metro Fairborn, Villa di Giovanni) and present a ring… or I could rent time on the BBC program, “Changing Spaces” - she never misses that one!


NOW they tell me - the "CONTROL" key on the keyboard does not work. I’m pretty sure the first point and click interface I ever operated was a Smith & Wesson.


I’m confident there's no need to recall this blog. I’ve used only 100% lead-free paint, and no part of it came from China.

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PLEASE - join Da Rev & Da Pagan Baby in contributing to an all out effort to eradicate a horrific malady brought to our attention by J0hn & Nancy - I hope we can count on a check from everyone here this weekend for $500. or more for continuing research into Coughing Yellow Bule Liver!

Here’s some heartening news - Sickle-selling Armenians are living longer, healthier lives, thanks to advanced research.


Some days it's just not worth gnawing through the leather straps.

Well, at least the war on the environment is going well.


Man, it’s SO damn hot here in Metro Fairborn, Ohio! It’s SO hot I canceled my Hotmail Account ‘til October.

Bill’s electric bill is higher than the payments on his sub-prime mortgage!


Check it out! Jim’s wearin’ freon tubes in his pants! Jim’s really cool. Really…


Dave's Real Dayton

FLASH!! Two East Dayton men were detained after police found a suspicious item in their car Saturday night: a shirt.


I’m going to an acupuncturist for depression. I’ll admit I’m skeptical. But I must say - when the doc quits sticking pins in me - I really feel much better!


I was watchin’ a documentary that looks at the early careers of Hollywood celebrities. For example, Harrison Ford used to be a carpenter. Sly Stallone used to be a hairdresser. And Ben Affleck used to be a movie star.

Hey, Chet! Chet’s a plastic surgeon. When he gets to know you better, ask him to show you his blooper reel…


Democratic presidential candidates debated at a gay issues forum in Los Angeles Thursday. Argus Hamilton noted that the battle for gay votes was fierce. John Edwards, Bill Richardson and Dennis Kucinich came dressed as an Indian chief, a fireman and a construction worker.


The DEM candidates sat for questions from a panel of gentle questioners, including rock star Melissa Etheridge, representing the GLBT community. Joe Biden and Chris Dodd didn’t participate because they said it just sounded too icky.

If this had been the OTHER Party candidates, surely someone would have supported $20 blowjobs in public restrooms for closeted Republican elected officials!


I keep waiting for Hillary or Barry O. or Johnny Hairspray to co-opt the pro- drug legalization messages of two of their debate colleagues Dennis Kucinich and Mike Gravel… Quick - look up Ron Paul’s position on pot and get back to me!

I’m not sure, but Bill Richardson couldn’t have come across as any more dazed and confused if he WERE stoned!


Which brings us to Generalissimo W. Bunnypants’s Press Conference this week… "I can understand why Pat Tillman's family, you know, has got significant emotions. A man they loved and respected was killed while he was serving his country…" (I keep watchin’ to see his fucking brain explode!)

Keep in mind - the winner of the rat race is still a rat.


(HAPPY B'DAY TO THE LOVELY ROBIN QUIVERS - She's 55!)

Hey - I’m sure you saw the story about the Coast Guard arresting three men off the coast of Brooklyn who were floating in a replica of a Revolutionary War submarine. Argus Hamilton said the sub was lurking alongside the Queen Mary. And we laugh at those old Japanese vets in Philippine caves who don't know the war is over!


My son, you know, the one who does marketing - he is so fashionable, so stylish. Even his vasectomy scar has a Windsor knot.

Why does the escalator handrail move faster than the escalator step you're standing on?

Alcohol and calculus don't mix. Never drink and derive.


I’ve been arguing atheism vs. Christianity with Tony via e-mails again. At first it gets the juices flowin’ - arguing’ religion - but after a while it wears ya down. Like when he insists that the translation "errors" in the King Jimmy were actually “God-inspired” improvements, and therefore the KJV is the most accurate of ALL translations - even though I keep sayin‘ there are errancies running through ALL the damn translations!


Or - when he argues that Thomas Jefferson or Einstein were Christians. Or that Darwin recanted evolution on his death bed. Ooooohhh, burrnning.


OR when he falls back on stuff like naming a bunch of smart Christians. I say, so? Then I name a bunch of smart atheists and he says, “You are SO stupid!”


Yesterday he had his 12 year old daughter e-mail me. She wrote: “Everyone knows in his heart that God exists, but atheists just want to worship themselves.” (Ouch! She wrote “athiest”! Do they teach 'em that in those fundie schools?!)

Then she wrote, “Without God there are no ultimate answers to anything, but WITH God there is an ultimate answer to everything - and that answer is God.”


I have to terminate the debate before I slip and say, yes Christianity has done a lot of good - along with all the mass murder…


I’m glad to see George is with us today. I hope you don’t mind, George, if I mention that you’ve been through a tough break-up. You're OK with that? The revelation that his marriage of 30 years had disintegrated because of his wife's infidelity came as a rude shock to him. George said it was like the time he received a surcharge at a formerly surcharge-free ATM machine. Hey, Remember, Buddy - stable relationships are for horses!



I-I-I-I MUST BE OFF!!





High Noon, August 9, 1974 - President Nixon's resignation became official.


“The presidential vacation-time record holder is the late Ronald Reagan, who tallied 436 days in his two terms. At 418 days, and with 17 months to go in his presidency, Bush is going to beat that easily.” [Houston Chronicle]


PETA CLAIMS: “Every year, more than 330,000 baby harp seals—most less than 1 month old—are killed in the most barbaric manner for their fur. This carnage takes place with the blessing of the Canadian government. The Canadian government sanctions the vicious destruction of hundreds of thousands of infant harp seals just to satisfy the vanity of a few callous people who still want to wear seal fur…”

CHEESES!! This sounds - well - OUTRAGEOUS, right? Here’s the REST of the story - and, SORRY - Paul Harvey overlooked this one, too: [From Michael Barbour]

First, baby seals (i.e., whitecoats and bluebacks) aren't hunted - haven't been since 1987 (but why let facts ruin a good photo op and what can be a lucrative fundraising campaign).
Second, the vast majority of seals that are harvested aren't clubbed (approximately only 10% are in fact).
Third, clubbing is just as humane a way of killing an animal as the steel bolt through the head that they use to kill cattle…
Fourth, the vast majority of the seal is actually used - the coat for fur, the blubber for oil, the meat is eaten, the bones are used by a growing number of native artists, etc. Finally, the seal hunt brings in approximately $55 million dollars into the rural Newfoundland economy, a region which can see seasonal unemployment reach levels of greater than 25%.
But why let the facts get in the way of a great crusade!

As with the annual deer hunting season in Ohio, most protected species with few natural predators require harvesting. Whether they are taken with a bow or a gun, it’s the right thing to do for the general health of the herds. And, furthermore - I didn't climb to the top of the food chain to become a vegetarian! PETA - should stand for People Eating Tasty Animals! Boy, they hate that…


Jake Novak's Humor blog
Karzai Meetings
Afghan President Hamid Karzai met with President Bush last week and then rushed to meet Pakistani President Pervez Musharraf later in the week. After that, Karzai will have a second date with either Bush or Musharraf, based on votes submitted by fans over the phone and via the Internet.


China Denial
In denying that it's trying to devalue U.S. currency, China's government leaders insisted today that the American dollar is important to them. Well of course it is, shredded up dollars are the main ingredient in all their exported dog food products.


New Richest Man
Mexican telecom billionaire Carlos Slim has overtaken Microsoft founder Bill Gates as the world's wealthiest man. Slim plans on celebrating by hiring several Microsoft programmers to clean his pool for less than minimum wage.


Comedian Argus Hamilton - King o' The Liners:
The White House announced a new crackdown on illegal immigration on Friday, revealing plans to put more officers on the Mexican border and get tough on employers who hire illegal aliens. It's obvious what happened. Now that the mortgage market is collapsing, the only thing we need construction workers for is the border wall.


Hillary Clinton will work as a nurse at a Las Vegas hospital Monday. It's just one of many health care events she's going to do in Las Vegas. She's also going to lay a wreath at a statue of the inventor of penicillin to show her personal gratitude.

Hillary's going to wear a white nurse's uniform - but that’s just to hold her husband’s attention…

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Barack Obama canceled a fundraiser at New York's Harmony Club planned for next week. It's because the club is all-white. When he walked into the club to scout the location, two members asked him about his Iraq policy and three members asked him for a martini.

Elizabeth Edwards claimed Tuesday her husband is running third among Democrats because he's not a woman and he's not black. She can't lose hope. There are surgeons in San Francisco who can turn him into Queen Latifah if he wants the nomination that badly.


Iraq's prime minister was photographed holding hands with Iran's president in Teheran Thursday. It drew immediate comment. Democratic candidates at the gay forum that night showed the picture as evidence that the U.S. is falling behind other countries.


Southern Hills in Tulsa hosted the PGA Championship in stifling heat this past weekend. It's a very wealthy country club. The members were dropping like flies on Thursday when news broke that Dow Jones finished three hundred eighty-seven under par.



President Bush said Thursday he empathizes with Americans who are losing their homes due to the credit crisis. He added there will be no federal bailout for them. The New Orleans mayor just issued a proclamation welcoming everybody else to the club.


The Department of Transportation admitted Friday that thousands of bridges are in need of repair. The infrastructure is falling apart. If the terrorists really want to destroy America, all they have to do is register to vote and oppose all taxes.




















A million illegal pirated CDs are made in China every week. You could buy these illegal CDs without knowing - but really, it's not hard to tell the difference between a legal CD and an illegal CD. If it’s easy to open, it’s illegal!


Stevie Wonder announced his first concert tour in more than a decade. He'll visit 13 cities. Well - that’s what his manager told him…


More from Jake
New Chrysler CEO
Former Home Depot chief Robert Nardelli has been named the new CEO of Chrysler. His first order of business will be remodeling every Chrysler dealership so that the cars you want are stacked atop impossibly high shelves where no one can reach them.


Dolphin Extinct
An international team of researchers says the long-threatened Yangtze River dolphin in China is probably extinct. The mammal was likely killed off by pollution, natural selection, and writing controversial stuff on the Internet.


Teacher in Space
Former schoolteacher Barbara Morgan is finally scheduled to fly in a space shuttle mission this week, after 22-years of training and waiting. Morgan was actually expected to fly much sooner, but until now, she just hasn't been able to hold her liquor. Luckily, she's kept busy most of that time by stalking her fellow astronauts all across America.


More from Argus
Laura Bush and daughter Jenna will write a children's book this fall. The book is about a little boy who doesn't like to read. Everyone's waiting to see if the story has an ending or if the little boy stays stuck in Iraq for the rest of his term.




CHECK THOSE GUSSET PLATES!!

Cincinnati Bengals coach Marvin Lewis vowed to clean up the team's outlaw image last week. It's bad. This fall the Cincinnati Bengals must play their home games on a dirt field, because they've sniffed all the white lines and smoked all the grass.



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A HUNKSTER FOR THE LADIES!

HOT WEATHER POEM:

I made myself a snowball
As perfect as could be.
I thought I'd keep it as a pet
And let it sleep with me.
I made it some pajamas
And a pillow for its head.
Then last night it ran away,
But first - it wet the bed.


Republican libertarian candidate Ron Paul got his uproarious applause for saying,
"Bring the troops home now. There was never a reason for us to go to war in Iraq..."

Romney, with his smug, entitled smile blurted out, "Did he FORGET about 9-11?"

Like he was delivering some huge applause line. That "9-11" line seems to paralyze all Republicans. It's like, "Dude, I need to have sex with with your wife!"
And the husband says, "What?"
And the right-winger says, "Did you FORGET about 9-11?" and the husband says,
"Oh OK, but please send her back when you're done fuckin' her."
From BartCop - natch!


RUKA

Learnin' the POSTMODERN BLUES

I got a good woman—with the meanest face in town.
I got a good woman—with the meanest face in town.
She got teeth like Margaret Thatcher and she weighs 500 pounds…


ACTOR JESSICA ALBA

The Build Your Own Blues Singer Name Starter Kit:
a. Name of physical infirmity (Blind, Cripple, Lame, Asthmatic)
b. First name (from above lists) or name of fruit (Lemon, Lime, Kiwi)
c. Last name of a U. S. president (Jefferson, Johnson, Fillmore, etc. NOT Nixon or Reagan. NOT Bush.)
Examples: Blind Lime Jefferson, Cripple Kiwi Fillmore, etc. (Okay, maybe not "Kiwi"…)
Other excellent names for male Blues singers: Willie, Joe, Little Willie, Lightning, or Big Willie.

Excellent names for female Blues singers:
Sadie, Big Momma, Bessie, or Fat River Dumpling. Singers with names like Muffy, Sierra, Auburn, Alexis, Gwynneth, Sequoia, Lindsay, or Rainbow, or anything hyphenated, like A’aliyah are not permitted to sing the Blues, no matter how many men they shoot in Memphis.


No one will believe it’s the Blues if you wear a suit, unless you happen to be an old black man—and it’s an old black suit.

Epitaph on a blues musician's tombstone: "I didn't wake up this morning.”

If it occurs in a cheap motel or a shotgun shack, it’s a Blues death. Stabbed in the back by a jealous lover is a Blues death. So is substance abuse, the electric chair, or being denied treatment in an emergency room. It is not a Blues death to die during liposuction or from tennis elbow.

Blues is not about color, it's about bad luck. Tiger Woods cannot sing the blues; Gary Coleman could. Ugly old white people got a leg up on the blues. But Julio Iglesias and Barbra Streisand will never sing the Blues.


Hey there, you can READ! This too be a big ol' problem. Most folks singin' the
Blues ain't never had much a chance for education. In the Blues… the three R's stand for Railroads, Runnin' and Rehab.

If nothin’ workin‘ out for you, try one last, pathetic stab at authenticity: name your guitar. Remember, Lucille is taken. You name it Britney, you get a BIG ol'ass-whuppin’.

“Gimme that ol’ fashioned morphine,
Gimme that ol’ fashioned morphine,
Gimme that ol’ fashioned morphine,
It’s good enough for me…”

“It was good enough for my Grandpa,
It’s good enough for me… etc.” [Itinerant Blues Singer Jolie Holland]



Good fortune. COMMENT! Please spread the meme. Don’t smoke in bed…

P.O.E.T.S. - 080407 || BRIDGES OR EMPIRE - DO WE GET TO CHOOSE?... DRUNKEN ASTRONAUTS... DOG ABUSE... OLD RADIO DAZE... PISSIN' IN THE SINK... NEW! ATHEIST BOOK SECTION... OBESITY'S CONTAGIOUS... ELTON STFU!!... HILLARY'S OLD FLAME... TED STEVENS, CROOK..

       August 4, 2ôô7

Must see/read: Infrastructure is patriotic



Continual Minneapolis Bridge Collapse Updates HERE

(Photo) Tommy Makem (L), with Liam Clancy

Tommy Makem (75) was an internationally celebrated folk musician, artist, poet and storyteller from Ireland, best known as a member of The Clancy Brothers and Tommy Makem. He played the long necked 5 string banjo, guitar, tin whistle, and border pipes, and sang in a distinctive baritone. He was sometimes known as "The Bard of Armagh" (taken from a traditional song of the same name) and "The Godfather of Irish Music". Makem died following a lengthy battle with lung cancer at his home in Dover, New Hampshire. He continued to record and perform until very close to the end. Paying tribute to him after his death, Liam Clancy said, "he was my brother in every way". His sons Shane, Conor, and Rory ("The Makem Brothers") and nephew Tom Sweeney continue the family folk music tradition. Wikipedia

(When Tommy appeared in recent years at the Dublin (Ohio) Celtic Festival he was usually accompanied by Rory.)


Ingmar Bergman, 89, Swedish stage and film director (The Seventh Seal, Wild Strawberries, Fanny and Alexander).

Martin Sheen (67) is an Emmy and Golden Globe Award-winning American actor. He is perhaps best known for his role as Captain Willard in the film Apocalypse Now and, most recently, as President Josiah Bartlet on the acclaimed and long-running television drama series The West Wing. His four kids are all actors, Emilio Estévez, Ramón Luis Estévez, Charlie Sheen and Renée Estévez.

Sheen was born Ramón Gerardo Antonio Estévez in Dayton, Ohio to Francisco Estévez, a Galician factory worker/machinery inspector from Parderrubias, Galicia, Spain, and Mary Anne (Phelan), an immigrant from County Tipperary, Ireland. Sheen's mother fled from Ireland during the Irish War of Independence due to her family's IRA connections. Sheen adopted his stage name in honor of Catholic archbishop and theologian Fulton J. Sheen. Sheen lived on Brown Street in the South Park neighborhood, and was one of 10 siblings (9 boys and one girl). He attended Chaminade High School (now Chaminade-Julienne High School). He was raised as a Roman Catholic.
Wikipedia

(Da Rev remembers seeing Ramon, who was two years ahead, bouncing through the halls of Chaminade. He immediately reminded people of James Dean, partly due to his appearance and haircut, but more due to his posture and attitude.)




"My goal is to cut government in half… to get it down to the size where we can drown it in the bathtub…" [Grover Norquist’s Future Epitaph]

"Jesus himself could come back as a Republican candidate these days,
and there would still be some people saying, 'I don't know about that guy'."
[SC Gov. Mark Sanford (R), comparing today's Fascist dogs with the biblical protagonist]


"I was changing a light bulb over Groucho Marx's bed, so I took my shoes off, got on his bed and changed the bulb. When I got off the bed he said: 'That's the best acting you've ever done.'" [Actor Elliot Gould]

"Ethanol Hurts the Environment And Is One of America's Biggest Political Boondoggles!"
Ethanol Scam [Rolling Stone mag]

“It is the considered opinion of many that the JFK Cabinet was an assemblage of the "Best & the Brightest" of that day and time. It is my considered opinon that the Bush Administration has demonstrated over and over that they are the WORST & the DUMBEST!” [Rev. Art - A Blogger for Hillary]

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WELL HOWDY, REV’LERS!

I’m Rev. Art. Welcome to our crib in Metro Fairborn and THE STAND-UP! - It’s like Rachel Carson without the diseased African babies…


(Peanuts, as envisioned by Charles Bukowski)

As a retired eccentric, of course, I don’t DO Mondays. Come to think of it - when I was working, I didn’t do MUCH on Mondays…


Y’ hear they’re predictin’ a recession for 2008? As usual Da Pagan baby & I are way ahead o’ the curve…


PLEASE - join Da Rev & Da Pagan Baby in contributing to an all out effort to eradicate a horrific malady brought to our attention by Charlie and Karen - I hope we can count on a check from everyone here this weekend for $500. or more for continuing research into (eek!) Ancient Sweating, Vomiting Cat Gout!


Discrimination in the workplace… no longer a problem, you may say? HAH! I’m here to tell ya - those “hiring professionals” don’t judge a person by the color of their skin - they judge them by how fat they are!


There’s a study that says obesity is contagious. So THAT’s it! All my friends are carriers! Well, it takes a big man to admit he’s obese…


(At Barnes-Nobles Stores we don't have to slog through the Comparative Religion section these days... Atheism SELLS; Atheists are being developed as a marketing demographic. Thank you Doc Dawkins and Sam Harris!)

A study shows California has the most traffic jams. In the same study: Florida has the most old people. Texas has the most cowboys. Ohio has the most retired eccentrics blogging naked.


Dick says he’s found a great new product for folks like him who live in Florida. It’s “Lee Press-On Mosquitoes”. He swears you just stick a few Lee’s Press-On Mosquitoes on your face and the real mosquitoes think you've been sucked dry and leave you alone.


Dick went back to school - in Italy - yeah, at a famous school for mimes. YUP! People from all over the world learn how to be street mimes. Dick said the graduation ceremony was pretty traditional. The school president pretended to give him a diploma.


How’s this for a subject for the poets - God's boredom after the seventh day of creation?!

Jenny’s vocabulary is still as bad as, like, whatever.


Given the choice - without a urinal or the chance of getting caught, a guy would much rather pee in the sink. I guarantee you that somebody has peed in your sink at one time or another. There is a good chance it was me.


Patrick’s here today. He’s an illusionist. He’s come a long way since he started out doin’ card tricks on the old D. L. Stewart Talk Show on WHIO-AM.

And D. L. - he was clueless about radio, being a newspaper columnist - D. L. tried to introduce a “Scratch & Sniff” segment on the radio!


Speaking of radio - young listeners today wouldn’t know what to make of some of the things that were said on the radio 40-50 years ago when Da Rev was a young rocker - like “record”. And what’s on the “flip side”? (“Take it from Charlie Nighthawk, this side outsold the other side - 2 to 1!!”)

These days there IS no “flip side” - and the records are called “product”… ~~~ snooze ~~~


I have a question for those drunken astronauts - does Alka Seltzer fizz in zero-gravity?

Cheeses! I get this image of the captain half in his cups, red-faced, belching fumes, eyes wide shut and blabbin’ away into his cellphone!


(Elton-Cat)

Did you see where Elton John thinks the internet should be banned? I have a better idea - why not ban has-been queen rock stars in clown glasses and fright wigs? Elton needs a cup o’ STFU - seriously!


I guess the most trusting person in the world must be…
A cannibal getting’ a blow job.


Our speaker this week is Joe Bagadonitz who also helped Ezio Pizza cater the buffet. I’ll present Joe by briefly assuring you that he speaks with the wisdom that can only come from experience, like a guy who went blind because he looked at a solar eclipse without one of those boxes with a pinhole in it and now goes around the country speaking at college commencements and blog parties about the dangers of looking at a solar eclipse without one of those boxes with a pinhole in it...


Here’s your video - The GREAT composer-singer-pianist Fats Waller “Ain’t Misbehavin’ ”… Wild band and a terrific dancer, too.

I-I-I-

Hold on! We're slidin' into Politics & Sex!!

Disclaimer: A couple of weeks ago I did a satiric bit about Bush doin’ his own colonoscopy. Well - I got a slap-down in the form of a threatening letter from Cheney’s office. I was JUST KIDDING!

Actually - The colonoscopy was performed by a U.S. Navy doctor. Uhhhmm… I’m just guessin’ here - the doc was a REAR Admiral?!


Holy Dog Crap! First the horrific Michael Vick dog abuse allegations - and now Vin Rhames's dog has killed his yard man! They ran it as “breaking” during the 24/7 “bridge mix” on MSNBC Friday. (Two mastiffs at the home of Ving Rhames apparently mauled a 40-year-old man to death Friday, authorities said. The guy had worked at the actor’s home for a couple of years…)

I think I'm too old for a large and/or aggressive dog. And I'm still too male to want one of those little yappy Yorkie things - or - as Michael Vick calls them - BAIT!

(Billow)
Lowe's pulls advertising from Orally show
by kos Fri Jul 27, 2007

A reader emailed Lowe's about their ads on Bill Orally's show. They got this response:
Dear Lowe's Customer,
Thank you for your comments regarding the program, The O'Reilly Factor.
Lowe's has strict guidelines that govern the placement of our advertising. Our company advertises primarily in national, network prime-time television programs and on a variety of cable outlets.
Lowe's constantly reviews advertising buys to make certain they are consistent with its policy guidelines. The O'Reilly Factor does not meet Lowe's advertising guidelines, and the company's advertising will no longer appear during the program.

We are dedicated to providing the best service, products, and shopping environment in the home improvement industry. All three of these are very important to our business, and our customers will always be our number one priority.
We appreciate your contacting us, and hope this information addresses your concerns.
Thank you,
Lowe's Customer Care

(Home Depot’s response on the other hand was condescending and dismissive. Lowe’s consistently provides a better price/quality ratio than Home Depot, both of whom have stores in Fairborn/Beavercreek. Now we have one more reason to purchase home improvement supplies at Lowe’s.)


Jake Novak's Humor Blog
Rice in West Bank
During her meeting with Mahmoud Abbas this week, Secretary of State Kindasleezza Rice pledged $80 million in aid to the Palestinian government. In return for her pledge, Rice will get the "Palestinian Terror Attack Greatest Hits" DVD collection and an exploding tote bag.

Comedian Argus Hamilton
Hillary Clinton and Barack Obama feuded over whether they would meet with sworn enemies like Cuba and North Korea. Many advanced nations refuse to meet with dangerous world leaders. Dick Cheney doesn't even get invited to funerals anymore.


Sunni Arabs pulled out of the Iraqi coalition government of Shiites, Kurds and Sunnis on. The Sunnis have no oil fields in their region but they're the only tribe who will fight al-Qaeda. Dick Cheney told the president we don't need them.


President Bush gave a speech in Charleston last week to try to rally Iraq war support. During the speech he mentioned al-Qaeda ninety-seven times. It's pretty much accepted by now that America's number-one weapon against terrorism is repetition.


Mitt Romney told Iowa voters Thursday he may give a speech explaining the Mormon faith. Their timeline is a little off. Mormons believe that Jesus walked the earth in the United States, one hundred eighty years before President Bush was even elected.


Cuban leader Raul Castro gave a speech Thursday offering to normalize relations with America after President Bush leaves office. There's no reason why the two countries shouldn't get along. They have a sugar crop and we have an obesity epidemic.


Vanity Fair ran a nasty article on Rudy Giuliani's wife Judi. His first wife was his cousin, his second wife was a TV news anchor and his third wife is a princess bride. He refuses to concede the comedians' vote to Hillary without a fight.


Hillary Clinton's college friend John Peavoy released personal letters she wrote him forty years ago revealing her insecurities and ambition. He's now an English teacher. He's the first English teacher ever to teach someone never to put anything in writing.


The White House announced a twenty-billion-dollar arms deal with Saudi Arabia on Monday. The deal includes fighters and bombers and missiles and drones. That's nothing compared to the anti-aircraft missiles we're selling Israel to shoot them down.


Senator Ted Stevens's home in Anchorage was raided by FBI agents Monday. It was over a cash-for-favors scam he ran with an oil company in Alaska. There are so few women up there that after a while, men simply give up and start screwing the taxpayers.


Hillary Clinton said she's going to ask a new generation of Americans to serve our country. It's a repeat of JFK's clarion call to the baby boomers. Her husband was also greatly influenced by Jack Kennedy, and she nearly left him over it.






More from Jake...
R. Kelly Trial Date Set
Grammy Award-winning singer R. Kelly will go on trial September 17 on child pornography charges. Kelly is demanding to be tried by a jury of his peers, but the only true peer they can find is Michael Jackson.


More from Argus...
Cal Ripken Jr. was inducted into the Baseball Hall of Fame in Cooperstown this past weekend. He was inducted for his streak that may never be broken. He's ducked the Barry Bonds steroid question two thousand six hundred and forty consecutive times.

The Space Shuttle Endeavour will lift off at Cape Canaveral Tuesday if the crew is given the go-ahead. Flight engineers are concerned about a leaky valve. During the last flight, the astronauts had to jettison fuel in order to take on more bourbon.

(Click on any image to ENLARGE it)





GODIVA... mmm CHOCOLATE...

FOR THE LADIES:


WOODY'S KID - ARLO -  RECENTLY TURNED 60

Darrell goes to the doctor. The physician tells him, “I have good news and bad news.”
“Gimme the good news first.”
“OK. You're gonna be famous. They’re gonna name a terrible disease after you!”

Why Do Gorillas Have Big Nostrils?
Because They Have Big Fingers.


YOU MIGHT BE A HIGH-TECH REDNECK… IF:

You post squirrel recipes on a website.
You write to Hewlett-Packard to sponsor a NASCAR team.
You have a cellphone headset for your fishing boat.
You paid more for your computer than you did for your house.
Your windows wallpaper is the confederate flag.
Your ringtone is a Toby Keith song.
You modified your gunrack to hold a rifle AND your laptop.
You've ever called Graceland to tell them their webcam was down.
You have your monster truck magazine collection on CD-ROM.
Your ISP's office is on a gravel road.
You've ever painted a URL on an overpass.


Bear walks into a bar… }}}GRROWWFF!{{{
He asks the bartender, “Please bring me a double shot of Dewar’s and… water by.”
The bartender says, “Sure, Buddy - but why the long pause?”
“I’ve had ‘em all my life.”


Lem: “I heard on TV that way back the US & A had a Civil War?!”
Em: “No kiddin’? Who’d they fight?”


A few moments of Zen: (this is cool...)
There was once a stone cutter who was dissatisfied with himself and with his position in life. One day he passed a wealthy merchant's house. Through the open gateway, he saw many fine possessions and important visitors. "How powerful that merchant must be!" thought the stone cutter.

He became very envious and wished that he could be like the merchant.
To his great surprise, he suddenly became the merchant, enjoying more luxuries and power than he had ever imagined, but envied and detested by those less wealthy than himself. Soon a high official passed by, carried in a sedan chair, accompanied by attendants and escorted by soldiers beating gongs. Everyone, no matter how wealthy, had to bow low before the procession. "How powerful that official is!" he thought. "I wish that I could be a high official!"

Then he became the high official, carried everywhere in his embroidered sedan chair, feared and hated by the people all around. It was a hot summer day, so the official felt very uncomfortable in the sticky sedan chair. He looked up at the sun. It shone proudly in the sky, unaffected by his presence. "How powerful the sun is!" he thought. "I wish that I could be the sun!"

Then he became the sun, shining fiercely down on everyone, scorching the fields, cursed by the farmers and laborers. But a huge black cloud moved between him and the earth, so that his light could no longer shine on everything below. "How powerful that storm cloud is!" he thought. "I wish that I could be a cloud!"

Then he became the cloud, flooding the fields and villages, shouted at by everyone. But soon he found that he was being pushed away by some great force, and realized that it was the wind. "How powerful it is!" he thought. "I wish that I could be the wind!"

Then he became the wind, blowing tiles off the roofs of houses, uprooting trees, feared and hated by all below him. But after a while, he ran up against something that would not move, no matter how forcefully he blew against it - a huge, towering rock. "How powerful that rock is!" he thought. "I wish that I could be a rock!"

Then he became the rock, more powerful than anything else on earth. But as he stood there, he heard the sound of a hammer pounding a chisel into the hard surface, and felt himself being changed. "What could be more powerful than I, the rock?" he thought.

He looked down and saw far below him the figure of a stone cutter.

Ommmmm...


DON'T LET PAT TILLMAN'S KILLING BE COVERED UP!

Good fortune. COMMENT! Please spread the meme.
(Winding down from Delbert Mcclinton to Sweet Etta James... "At Last...")

Don’t smoke in bed…

ATHEIST LIBERAL HERO PAT TILLMAN AMBUSHED! Ssshhhh...

QUESTIONS FOR RUMMY, GENERAL MYERS, BUSH CHENEY, ET AL.:

Pat Tillman kept a journal which was NOT among his personal effects. Where?



Within hours of Pat Tillman's death, the Army went into information-lockdown mode, cutting off phone and Internet connections at a base in Afghanistan, posting guards on a wounded platoon mate.

Why were his uniform and equipment set on fire after the incident? Is this something that is normally done after a soldier is ambushed?

RE: "3 BULLETS TO THE FOREHEAD":

WTF is up wit “default setting for a three round burst”?! There’s no such setting on an M-16. There’s single shots and the automatic rate of fire for an M-16 which is so fast that it would have been nearly impossible to pinch off a burst of less than a half dozen or so rounds in a single burst at full auto.

WAS THIS AN ORDERED FRAG?

Don't let this one fade away! Don't let the twisted, evil bastards who have seized power in our country cover-up THIS ONE!

Thanx to BartCop again!