August 25, 2ôô7
BUSH's Plan for Iraq
THE GROWN-UP CHOICE!
She's ready!
Are we?
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LUNAR ECLIPSE
The Earth's shadow will creep across the moon's surface early Tuesday, slowly eclipsing it and turning it to shades of orange and red. There’s no word on how this may affect the growing mortgage crisis.
Helmsley Dies
Leona Helmsmen has died at age 87. She's finally going somewhere where the IRS can't find her. Jake Novak's Humor Blog
“Only the little people pay taxes…” [Leona, The Queen of Mean]
Our Baby Boy Number One, Darren Eliot Hites, is half-way to 50 this week - counting from 40!
Marlee Beth Matlin (42) is an Academy Award-winning American actress who is almost completely deaf. She’s married to cop Kevin Grandalski and they have 4 kids. Wikipedia
(She should never be confused with the unattractive shrew Republican flack who made a living spinning the monstrous unconstitutional antics of the Dick Cheney. No matter what some may say, her husband James Carville is the more attractive of the pair.)
ON THIS DATE (AUG 21) in 1888: The first adding machine was patented. Back then I’d guess it wasn't so hard to invent the adding machine. There weren't as many numbers as there are now, right? Tom's Lake
Diet Coke is celebrating its 25th anniversary. We LOVE Diet Coke. We do not accept bland substitutes (Anything Pepsi). If it weren’t for Diet Coke I’d probably be obese today!
Caricature by Glen Ferguson
“… I have no Faith - I dare not utter the words & thoughts that crowd in my heart - & make me suffer untold agony. So many unanswered questions live within me afraid to uncover them - because of the blasphemy - If there be God - please forgive me - When I try to raise my thoughts to Heaven - there is such convicting emptiness that those very thoughts return like sharp knives & hurt my very soul. - I am told God loves me - and yet the reality of darkness & coldness & emptiness is so great that nothing touches my soul. Did I make a mistake in surrendering blindly to the Call of the Sacred Heart?”
[The Late Mother Teresa, addressing “Jesus”]
David van Biema, writing @ Time.com says that the late Mother Teresa, from her personal writings over 50 years, appeared this week more like “the woman in the archetypal country-and-western song who holds a torch for her husband 30 years after he left to buy a pack of cigarettes and never returned.”
"She was no more exempt from the realization that religion is a human fabrication than any other person, and that her attempted cure was more and more professions of faith could only have deepened the pit that she had dug for herself."
[Christopher Hitchens, author of The Missionary Position, a scathing polemic on Teresa, and more recently of the atheist manifesto God Is Not Great]
Caricature by Jan OpDeBeeck
"I remain convinced that most popular public proselytizers know in their hearts that what they preach is a wholesale tapestry of lies and primitive folk tales. If Jerry Falwell died thinking he was headed for an eternal buffet at Jesus’s own banquet hall, than he was a damn fool, and not the shrewd, power and money-grubbing hustler I always thought he was. The late Pope John Paul I was a classical scholar and a consummate salesman. Forgive me, but I just can’t believe he had not made peace with his doubts early in his priesthood. The late Ayatollah Khomeini inspired the unwashed mobs AND the university students to sue for overthrow of the tyrannical Shah, carefully orchestrating anti-Western resentments with a harshly simple theocratic fundamentalist government dressed up as a parliamentary system. Mother Teresa only smiled in the presence of the rich and famous and the promise of increasing wealth pouring into the coffers of her worldwide organization.
The simplistic faith that a Teresa or a Falwell or a Pope Benny or an Ayatollah prescribes for the masses is incongruous with the power and wealth for which their every waking thought and purpose is focused as they grasp and grovel to acquire the trappings of success as they measure their lives by the most extravagant secular standards. In the end, Teresa was a charlatan like all the others, building a career, then an empire, upon the patchwork of fraudulent claims and foolishness that she could not accept as her own.”
[Rev. Art - Freethought Evangelist]
"For you little kids out there: if you have a Barbie, don't lick Barbie because she could have lead in there."
[Rash Limbo, who licks Kens, not Barbies]
Thanx t’ BartCop
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WELL HOWDY, REV’LERS! 
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I’m Rev. Art. Welcome to our crib in Metro Fairborn and THE STAND-UP! - Its like Wal-Mart without all the flags and jingoistic bunting and other dangerous Chinese imports…
PLEASE - join Da Rev & Da Pagan Baby in contributing to an all out effort to eradicate a horrific malady brought to our attention by Phil and Sue - I hope we can count on a check from everyone here this weekend for $500. or more for continuing research into “Stinking Ancestral Cankered Pustules”! 
Certified Safe Chinese Import
I love blogging. Blogging is my life.
Blogging is the butter on my bread.
Blogging is the gravy on my potatoes.
Blogging is the horseradish sauce on my Graeter’s raspberry chocolate chip ice cream.
And so on and so forth… Tom's Lake
Certified Safe Chinese Import
My skills with do-it-yourself home repairs are at best mediocre. After trying several times to fix a leak in the bathroom, I finally admitted defeat and called a plumber Wednesday, who finished the job in ten minutes. Watching him put away his equipment, my wife asked what had been the problem.
"Well," the plumber replied, "your husband got hold of some tools..."
My brother who lives in Clearwater, FL was havin’ a few brewskis with a cement contractor who does a lot of business with mobile home-park residents in the area. Many of them, leisure-loving retirees, order green cement "lawns" so that they no longer have to mow grass and pull weeds. Although most customers are happy with their no-care yards, one man called to express dissatisfaction. The contractor told my brother that when he drove out to the mobile-home park, he found no apparent cause for complaint.
"I hate to brag," the contractor said to the man, "but this cement looks as good as it did the day I poured it."
"That's the trouble," groaned the man. "It's too perfect, and it's getting on my nerves. I want you to paint a couple of patches of dandelions here in the front."
I see Hans is here even though he has a ZITGEIST on his nose. Zitgeist? The Clearasil doesn't quite cover it up.
When Rick arrived, he announced, “MONAGE A TROIS!” (I am three years old?!) Thanx to Gina Smith
I asked Eldred - "Eldred, why don't you play golf with Ted anymore?"
"Would you play golf with a fellow who moved the ball with his foot when you weren't watching?" Eldred asked in reply.
"Well, no," I admitted.
Eldred huffed, "Neither will Ted."
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Rod is a locksmith. Last Saturday evening he saw a group of young partiers park near his shop and dump trash from their car on his property. As soon as they were out of sight, the Rod picked the lock on their car door, put the garbage back inside and relocked the car. Rod, we SALUTE!
MISS DOLLY
Years ago when I was a performing outlaw country singer, a well-known local Country DJ friend Jim Howell presented me with a backstage pass to see Dolly Parton. “Just tell Marsha at the ticket window that you’re a friend of mine and she’ll let you in without buying a ticket,” Jim advised.
I took advantage of his offer and told the woman in the box office that I was a friend of Jim Howell. "Just go on in," she told me.
As I was walking away, I heard the lady behind me say, "We're friends of Omar Williams.”
Omar’s a (now-retired in FL) beloved veteran TV sportscaster from our area…
Certified Safe Chinese Import (It's MEAT!)
A good buddy, Jack, just returned from hiking the Appalachian Trail - from the Highlands of Roan in Tennessee to the strenuous trek up Katahdin in Maine! Upon reaching the end of his journey, he proudly boasted of his success to an attendant in a motel near the Portland International Airport. "I guess that makes me almost a native," he crowed.
"Not hardly," replied the attendant. "A native would've had more sense."
I have the popularly-recognized first rock ‘n’ roll song - “Rock Around the Clock” - on a 78 RPM record and on a 45 RPM single, as well as on a vinyl long-play 33-1/3 RPM album and a “Bill Haley’s Greatest Hits” CD. And now my grandson says he can download it online for me for nothing’!? I wanna be a TEENAGER again!
When was the last time you recorded on an audio cassette? Ahhh… I wonder where all those “romantic and/or personal mix” tapes are today?
Here’s a free sound recorder you probably need: 
ALERT! There’s a report that boxes of kitty litter imported from China may contain QUICKSAND! Tom's Lake 
Certified Safe Chinese Import
Keith and I were talkin’ about “out of body” experiences. I told him I’m a skeptic. He said, “You’re better off! One time in 1987 my soul left my body, flipped me off, and now I still have no idea where it went!”
M R Ducks.
M R Not.
O S A R.
C M Wings.
O L B.
Take a look - Gypsy Caravan Wagons: they’re beautiful!
I-I-I-I MUST BE OFF!!
AND NOW - HERE'S THE POLITICS & SKIN!
Greg Gutfeld
Argentina's first lady and front-runner in the October presidential election rejected comparisons this week with U.S. presidential hopeful Hillary Clinton despite both women's hopes to follow their husbands into office.
Sen. Cristina Fernandez de Kirchner and Clinton, a Democratic senator from New York, also are lawyers who met their husbands at universities but Fernandez said the comparisons ended there.
(Photo - Senator Fernandez enhancing her husband's image while demonstrating what Hillary should learn to do with her mouth...) 
Argus Hamilton's Comments on Current Events
President Bush blasted Iraq war opponents in a VFW speech Wednesday and blamed Vietnam War opponents for the post-war genocide in Indochina. He should lighten up. The difference between Jane Fonda and George Bush is that Jane Fonda went to Vietnam. 
The Chimperor defended his Iraq policy in a speech to the Veterans of Foreign Wars. First we backed the Shiites to oust the Sunnis, now we're backing the Sunnis to oust the Shiites. At least in Vietnam we stayed on the same side for twenty years. 
Senator John Warner called on President Bush Thursday to begin withdrawing the U.S. troops from Iraq. He's the most respected Republican in the Senate. John Warner was once married to Elizabeth Taylor, so he knows an expensive mistake when he sees one. 
U.S. Senator Carl Levin left Baghdad last week and demanded the overthrow of Iraq's government. He spoke to reporters in a conference call from Tel Aviv. It's the only city in the Middle East where it's safe to stand still long enough to make a phone call.
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Jake Novak's Humor Blog
Rapper DMX's Home Raided
Police in Arizona have removed several pit bulls from rapper DMX's home. The dogs are being sent to Virginia where they've been subpoenaed to testify against Michael Vick.
MORE Argus
Mexico dropped all charges against Dog, the Bounty Hunter last week. The reality show star abducted a rape suspect hiding in Mexico and brought him home to the U.S. Michael Vick isn't likely to flee the country as long as America has a bounty hunter named Dog. 
Michael Vick agreed to a plea deal for arranging dog fights, prompting concerns for his safety in prison. He will be confined in a prison full of felons, most of whom, loved their dogs. Usually the dog was the only member of the family who was always glad to see them. 
Arkansas lawmakers said they made a mistake when they passed a marriage law that lets children get married with parental consent. It's a huge mess. The previous law banned marriage between gay people unless they can prove they're related.
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A HUNK FOR THE LADIES!
The Daily Gut
He's too sexy for his shirt. He is not just a dictator, he is a manwich!
(With guns like that who would want an arms embargo?)
And wearing the cross - his mama gave to him. Wow! Now I understand why W. had Pootie-Poot to both the ranch in Texas and to the family home up in Maine! This guy is hot!
"WHAT'S RUSSIAN FOR 'BOLOGNA BOOBS'"
My tsar has a first name,
It's V-L-A-D-Y.
My tsar has a second name,
It's P-U-T-I-N.
Oh, I love him, love him, every day
'Cause if I don't he's sure to say:
"Radiate his/her ass all day with plu-to-ni-um-2-3-8".
A MAN and his dog are shipwrecked on a deserted island. After a few days he decides to take the dog and reconnoiter the island. He discovers that the only other inhabitants are sheep. He recalls how his farm buddies would brag how they would screw sheep for kicks and he says to himself: "I'll never be that desperate."
Sooooo, a few weeks later he can't get those sheep out of his mind, and soon he's sneaking up on the flock. Just as he is about to pounce on a really cute one, the dog grabs his leg and won't let go. He snaps out of it, and thanks the dog for keeping him from making a fool of himself. This same scene happens every night for a month and the guy starts to get really pissed at the dog.
Then one day, the man spies a life-raft bobbing in the surf. In the raft is a beautiful young girl, barely alive. He takes her back to his hut, revives her and nurses her to health. After a few days the girl is feeling fine, and that evening a rush of gratitude sweeps over her... She confronts the man: "I owe you my life. I'm yours forever. I'll do anything you want"
"Anything?"
"Anything!!"
"OK, hold that dog for ten minutes!"
A couple of women were playing golf one sunny Saturday morning. The first of the twosome teed off and watched in horror as her ball headed directly toward a foursome of men playing the next hole. Indeed, the ball hit one of the men, and he immediately clasped his hands together at his crotch, fell to the ground and proceeded to roll around in evident agony. The woman rushed down to the man and immediately began to apologize. She said, "Please allow me to help. I'm a physical therapist and I know I could relieve your pain if you'd allow."
"Ummph, oooh, nnooo, I'll be all right . . . I'll be fine in a few minutes," he replied breathlessly as he remained in the fetal position still clasping his hands together at his crotch. But she persisted, and he finally allowed her to help him. She gently took his hands away and laid them to the side, she loosened his pants, and she put her hands inside. She began to massage him. She then asked him, "How does that feel?"
To which he replied, "It feels great, but my thumb still hurts like hell."
MITSUYA
A retiree was given a set of golf clubs by his co-workers. Thinking he'd try the game, he asked the local pro for lessons, explaining that he knew nothing whatever of the game. The pro showed him the stance and swing, then said, "Just hit the ball toward the flag on the first green."
The novice teed up and smacked the ball straight down the fairway and onto the green, where it stopped inches from the hole. "Now what?" the fellow asked the speechless pro.
"Uh. . . you're supposed to hit the ball into the cup," the pro finally said, after he was able to speak again.
"Oh great! NOW you tell me!" said the beginner in a disgusted tone.
DURING a riverboat excursion, the weather turned cold and rainy, and the passengers huddled together for warmth. The captain shouted down to the crew's quarters, "Is there a mackintosh down there large enough to keep three young ladies warm?"
"Nay," came the booming reply, "but ther-r-re's a MacPher-r-rson who'd like to try."
Good fortune. COMMENT! Please spread the meme. Don’t smoke in bed…
