SEPTEMBER 15, 2007
BLOGGING FOR HILLARY
The Advisory Council on Seniors
We'll be officially announcing our Advisory Council on Seniors membership very soon. Reach out to your community and help new members sign up and be a part of the big announcement at:
http://www.hillaryclinton.com/seniors 
ANGRY SCREED
"Hate speech."
"Blasphemy."
"Foul-mouth bigot."
Those are some of the verbal barbs being hurled at comedienne and
actress Kathy Griffin following her humorous acceptance monologue
at last week's Emmy Awards presentation.
Griffin, who won a creative arts Emmy for her reality show "My Life on the D-List," departed from the de rigueur ritual of stars citing religious influences and beliefs for their on-screen success.
Instead, Ms. Griffin - who has identified herself as an Atheist - told members of the Academy of Television Arts & Sciences, "A lot of people come up here and thank Jesus for this award. I want you to know that no one had less to do with this award than Jesus."
"Suck it, Jesus, this award is my god now," added the red-haired
and often self-deprecating starlet.
The humorous remarks, though, offended officials at the Roman Catholic League for Religious and Civil Rights, a watch-dog group that targets anything it considers to be counter to religious sensibilities. The TV broadcast of the remarks on FOX Sunday night was severely edited.
Let’s see now - in the USA where everyone enjoys the right to speak freely - it’s OK for all these simpering born-agains to inflict theological affirmations on the viewing audience - but NOT ONE satirical ANTI-theological speech will be tolerated! Whose GODDAMN idea was that?!
Bobby Byrd (73) longtime collaborator with the late Godfather of Soul, James Brown, and cofounder of the Famous Flames. One of the chief architects of Brown's trademark sound, Byrd's contributions can be heard on early Brown soul tracks and on hits that laid the foundations of funk, such as "Get Up (I Feel Like Being a) Sex Machine"; the punctuating phrase "Get on up," which repeats throughout that song, was sung by Byrd. He died of cancer in Loganville, Georgia on September 12, 2007.
Riley B. King (82) born in Itta Bena, Mississippi) better known as B. B. King or "The King of Blues", is an American blues guitarist and singer-songwriter, widely considered one of the best and most respected blues musicians of all time. He was also ranked 3rd on Rolling Stone's list of 100 Greatest Guitarists of All Time…
Personal: B.B. King has been a licensed pilot, a known gambler and is also a vegetarian, non-drinker and non-smoker. King has lived with diabetes for over ten years and has been a visible spokesman in the fight against diabetes, appearing in advertisements for diabetes-management products… It is reported that King had sexual relationships prior to age 10, and went on to father 17 children to several different mothers… B. B. King is the nephew of the late heavyweight champ “Sonny” Liston. Wikipedia
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"For me every day is an anniversary of Sept. 11."
[Rudy the cross-dresser, who "gets to" re-live 9-11 constantly]
“The U.S. commander in Iraq, General David Petraeus, expressed long-term interest in running for the U.S. presidency when he was stationed in Baghdad, according to a senior Iraqi official who knew him at that time.” [Independent]
"Hey, as I stroll into middle-age it is encouraging that a guy that old is still so horny that he can't control himself at a public toilet." [Leonardo, in his “To the People” blog]
"After he leaves office, Bush is going to start a think tank. That's right, it's like Michael Vick opening an animal shelter."
"Yeah, the George Bush think tank: it only has a shallow end."
[David Letterman]
WELL HOWDY, REV’LERS!
I’m Rev. Art. Welcome to our crib in Metro Fairborn and THE STAND-UP! - Its like “Trading Spaces“… but with a lot more wood! 
Sorry to be so late wishing our Jewish readers a Happy New Year! Frankly, I’m glad I’m not Jewish. On New Year’s it’s takes more than apples & honey to float MY boat. 
Ne’er fear - for we have SHECKY (See photo) in the house and in this blog just a little lower down. He’s accustomed to being low down on the list. He even has a repertoire of folk songs he learned at his mother’s knee and other low joints…
PLEASE - join Da Rev & Da Pagan Baby in contributing to an all out effort to eradicate a horrific malady brought to our attention by Russ & Diana. I hope we can count on a check from everyone here this weekend for $500. or more for continuing research into “Horse's Woodland Lungs”!
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Holy Crap! This month Friday the 13th came on a Thursday! I’ll bet a lot of you were caught off-guard. Piss on superstitions. I walked under three ladders! If you had seen what I’m tippin’ on the bathroom scales these days - you would realize that it would have been really bad luck for me to climb any of those ladders!
I try to read every new study. Yeah, right! But here’s one that’s interesting. It claims the average Canadian is twice as happy as the average American. That makes sense whenyou realize the average Canadian remembers Celine Dion moved to America.
I think I would be happier if people stopped reminding me there are millions of happy Canadians living just north of the border. Thanx t' Toms Lake Humor Co.
Speaking of noxious imports… Thousands of faulty Chinese-made condoms have been recalled. Here's my question: Why would anyone trust a condom made in a country with a population of over a billion people? Thanx t' Toms Lake Humor Co.
Have you seen Osama bin Laden’s latest video? He’s dyed his hair and beard to get rid of the gray. There's also a rumor he got Botox treatments for his favorite goat. Thanx t' Toms Lake Humor Co.
Did you see this - O.J. Simpson has been busted in Vegas for burglarizing a sports memorabilia exhibit?! Cheeses! The Juice will take a stab at most anything! Y’ think O.J. could go to jail for this?
If you can get off for the brutal slayings of two people, how scary is theft to OJ, anyway? O.J. stealing his own sports memorabilia? There was a report that he filched some NASCAR decals, too.
Maybe OJ is just looking for material for his next book. The Daily Gut
IF there were a GAWD - he would SMITE OJ! Consider this - I’m no lawyer - but I think if O.J. has to put up his house or whatever to meet the liquidity requirement for bail - the Goldman family can then move to seize said property. Ooooh… stay tuned. This could be some sweet justice!
OK! OK! Without further ado - here - all the way from the Upper East Side (NO - NOT Dayton) our guide through the High Holy Days, a man in need of much atonement - SHECKY!!
Shecky:
Thanks, Rev. You can go crawl off in the corner and drink. Hey, save some o’ the Mogen David for ME!
My nephew Irving is a young Rabbi, fresh out of a Brooklyn Yeshiva, but he thought it would help him better understand the fears and temptations his future congregations faced if he first took a job as a policeman for several months.
He passed the physical examination; then came the oral exam to test his ability to act quickly and wisely in an emergency. Among other questions he was asked, "Irving, what would you do to disperse an angry crowd?"
He thought for a moment and then said seriously , "I vould take up the collection!"
You know my rabbi on the Upper East Side of Manhattan almost lost his position in our synagogue for having a hobby that wasn’t Kosher - he was a ham radio operator…
I recently visited Israel on an El-Al plane which landed at Ben Gurion airport in Israel. The voice of the Captain came on:
"Please remain seated with your seat belts fastened until this plane is at a complete standstill and the seat belt signs have been turned off. We also wish to remind you that using cell phones on board of this aircraft is strictly prohibited."
"To those who are seated, we wish you a Merry Christmas, and hope that you enjoy your stay ... and to those of you standing in the aisles and talking on their cell phones, we wish you a Happy Chanukah, and welcome back home."
Let’s test your knowledge of the Bible…
Q. When was the first meat mentioned in the Bible?
A. When Noah took Ham into the ark.
Q: Who was the greatest financier in the Bible?
A: Noah - he was floating his stock while everyone else was in liquidation.
}}}ba-dump-bump! {{{
Q: What kind of lights were on the ark?
A: Floodlights. 
Q: Did all the animals on the ark come in pairs?
A: No the worms came in apples.
Q: Why didn't Noah go fishing?
A: He only had two worms! 
Shecky: Hey, Rev. Art - were you on Noah's ark?
Da Rev: “No. I think I would remember…”
Shecky: Then how did you survive the flood?
Da Rev: "So, Shecky, Rosh Hashanah and Yom Kippur - which holidays are these again?"
Shecky: Well, Yom Kippur is the Day of Atonement. We really pour on the personal guilt that day. And, of course Rosh Hashanah is the time of feasting and the blowing of the shofar."
"Blowing the chauffer?! How do you get a job like that?!?"
Da Rev: “Let’s give it up for Shecky! May a child be named for him soon!”
Shecky: “Oy - Rev, may your teeth grow angry and bite off your head!”
And now HERE'S your meshugginah VIDEO!
I-I-I-
From Wonkette:
Need a job? …Here’s one you can look into: the US Armed Forces seem to have an urgent need for 67 “Personal Effects Specialists.”
This job is also known as “doing something with all these dead soldiers.”
So submit your resume today to work with the US Army Casualty and Mortuary Affairs Operations Center at the Joint Personal Effects Depot, at Aberdeen Proving Grounds. “Former military experience preferred, but NOT required.”
Jake Novak's Humor Blog
Freedom of Religion
A new poll shows that most Americans mistakenly believe the nation's founders wrote Christianity into the Constitution. In actuality, the founding fathers dictated that everyone in America was guaranteed freedom of religion, as long as they could afford a good Jewish lawyer.
General Betrayus’s report
General David Petraeus arrived on Capitol Hill last week for two days of testimony and to give the Armed Services Committee his long-awaited report on Iraq. There's evidence that President Bush heavily edited the report. Every third word is misspelled. 
Da Rev: Petraeus is using "funny math." According to the Washington Post, Petraeus and the Pentagon are using a bizarre formula for measuring violence in the country. For example, deaths by car bombs don't count. And assassinations count only if you're shot in the back of the head—not in the front.
Comedian Argus Hamilton
The White House was angry Tuesday when General Petraeus told the Senate he didn't know if the Iraq war makes us safer. There's a simple explanation for what he said. He had not gotten the memo that executive privilege protects him from perjury charges.
President Bush spoke to the nation Thursday to announce next year he will pull thirty thousand troops out of Iraq. He had just added thirty thousand troops for the surge. He wore the glow of a man who was happy to be back to his original mistake. 
GOP presidential candidate John McLame arrived in Iowa to launch his No Surrender Tour with a speech in Sioux City. He's tone deaf as ever. It was the Sioux who didn't surrender, General Custer was willing to give the surge one more day. 
New Orleans madam Wendy Cortez refuted GOP Senator David Vitter's claim he was only with D.C. prostitutes. He saw her all the time in New Orleans. Because of all these sex scandals there's now a six-month waiting list to join the Young Republicans.
Washington (LaughFish.com) – Idaho Senator Larry Craig said that he supports President Bush’s gradual pullout plan. “I’ve found that method works the best,” said the Senator.
Comedian Argus Hamilton
Mary Winkler appeared on Oprah Winfrey Wednesday to discuss why she killed her minister husband with a shotgun in their bedroom. It was tragic. They may be the last couple ever to play Elmer Fudd and Bugs Bunny to try to spice up their marriage.
Fred Thompson raised GOP eyebrows Wednesday when he admitted he does not go to church where he lives in Virginia. He's married to a beautiful blonde thirty years younger than him. He spends every Sunday morning in the trainer's room wrapped in ice. 
MORE from Jake Novak
Country Vixen
Country star Sara Evans' husband is asking the singer in a court filing to admit she was romantically involved with nearly a dozen other people during their marriage. Evans' lawyers are responding by reminding everyone that country music songs don't write themselves.
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Body-Painted for Rosh Hashanah
HUNKS FOR THE LADIES
Zack comes home from school one day and is met at the door by his bubby, who asks what he learned in school today. He replied, "We learned about sex." His grandmother just stands there, almost in shock. Then later that day she tells his mother about their conversation, and the kid's mom says, "Mother, sex IS a regularly studied subject in school these days."
Later that evening, bubby walks past Zack's room, sees him vigorously masturbating, and says to him, "After you finish your homework, come down for dinner." 
(CLICK THIS!)
A wealthy Jewish man buys a fabulous home in Beverly Hills, California . He brings in a local workman to decorate the place. When the job is finished, the homeowner is delighted but realizes that he's forgotten to put mezuzahs on the doors.
He goes out and buys 50 mezuzahs and asks the decorator to place them on
the right hand side of each door except bathrooms.
He's really worried that the decorator will chip the paint work or won't put them up correctly. However, when he comes back a few hours later, he sees that the job has been carried out to his entire satisfaction. He's so pleased that he gives the decorator a bonus.
As the decorator is walking out of the door he says, "Glad you're
happy with the job."
"By the way, I took out all the warranties from the little boxes
and left them on your table."
After many years, a young Talmud student who had left the old country for America
returns to visit the family. "But-- where is your beard?" asks his mother upon seeing him.
"Mama," he replies, "In America, nobody wears a beard."
"But at least you keep the Sabbath," Mama asks.
"Mama, business is business. In America, everybody works on the Sabbath."
"But kosher food you still eat?", asks mama.
"Mama, in America, it is very difficult to keep kosher."
The old lady ponders this information and then leans over and whispers in his ear, "Shmuel, tell me, are you still circumcised?"
Two gentlemen are using the bathroom at Grand Central Station in New York.
One gentleman says to the other, "Are you from Woodmere?"
The other gentleman exclaims, "Yeah, how did you know that?"
The first gentleman says, "Do you belong to Temple Beth El?"
The second gentleman exclaims, "Yeah, how did you know that?"
The first gentleman says, "Is Rabbi Kugelberg, the mohel, still there?"
The second gentleman exclaims "Yeah, how did you know that?"
The first gentleman answers, "Because he always cuts on a slant, and you're peeing on my shoe!" 
An older Jewish gentleman marries a younger lady and they are very much in love. However, no matter what the husband does sexually, the woman never achieves an orgasm. Since a Jewish wife is entitled to sexual pleasure, they decide to ask the rabbi.
The rabbi listens to their story, strokes his beard, and makes the following suggestion.. "Hire a
strapping young man. While the two of you are making love, have the young man wave a towel over you. That will help the wife fantasize and should bring on an orgasm."
They go home and follow the rabbi's advice. They hire a handsome young man and he
waves a towel over them as they make love. It doesn't help and she is still unsatisfied.
Perplexed, they go back to the rabbi. "Okay," says the rabbi to the husband, "let's try it reversed. Have the young man make love to your wife and you wave the towel over them."
Once again, they follow the rabbi's advice. The young man gets into bed with the wife and the husband waves the towel. The young man gets to work with great enthusiasm and the wife soon has an enormous, room-shaking, screaming orgasm.
The husband smiles, looks at the young man and says to him triumphantly...
"You see, schmuck, THAT'S the way to wave a towel!"
Good fortune. COMMENT! Please spread the meme. Don’t smoke in bed…
