October 27 , 2ôô7
CELEBRATE SAMHAIN (SO-win)
(a.k.a. Halloween)
HAPPY CELTIC NEW YEAR!
"There are three things I never talk about with others - religion, politics and The Great Pumpkin." [Linus Van Pelt of "Peanuts"]
Bill Maher: "New Rule…. If the choice in ‘08 is between Rudy and Hillary, 'values voters' must do the 'Christian thing' and choose Hillary..."
HILLARY AT 60!
Born October 26, 1947: Hillary Rodham Clinton. Her husband Bill planned a big surprise. A dinner by candlelight - romantic music - some thoughtful gifts. The surprise part? He invited Hillary…
Thanx t' Tom's Lake Humor Co.
Argus Hamilton: “Senator Hillary Clinton celebrated her sixtieth birthday on Thursday with a fundraising bash in New York hosted by Billy Crystal. Comedians all support Hillary. The idea of Bill Clinton being in the White House for eight years with nothing to do in the afternoon is the closest thing there is to the chemical formula for comedy.”
AND THIS: “Hillary Clinton told Essence magazine she thinks her marriage to Bill has been well worth it. She said she never doubted it was a marriage worth investing in. Whenever they have coffee together they charge each other a hundred thousand dollars.”
ST. CLINTON
Stephan Cowans (37) Massachusetts man who spent more than six years in prison after being wrongly convicted in the shooting of a Boston police officer in 1997 when fingerprints found on a glass near the crime scene were mistakenly identified as his. Cowans was exonerated in 2004 after authorities reexamined the fingerprints and later received a $3.2 million settlement from the city and $500,000 from the state. Cowans was found shot to death at his home in Randolph, Massachusetts on October 26, 2007.
(Click - Enlarge)
"In the months before the March 2003 Iraq invasion, the lying Bush bastards
estimated Bush's quagmire would cost no more than $50 billion."
[Ken Dilanian, Article: "War costs may total $2.4 trillion"]
"While we spend $400 billion to inflict carnage upon the rest of the world, our streets are filled with the homeless veterans of previous wars. The problem with this country is it would rather create veterans than care for them. I say not another dime for the military until it provides for the people it
has used as cannon fodder in the past. All recruiting offices for the armed services should be on the top floors of Veterans Administration Hospitals. All potential recruits should have to walk through the entire facility before they can sign their lives away to Uncle Sam."
[Barry Crimmins]
“I followed Craig up the alley and through the back door of a house, with him repeating several times, ‘You were never here. You don’t know me. Right?’ and me responding, ‘Right!’ in boyish submission.
As we tiptoed to the stairs to the upper floor, as if somebody else was home, he turned to grope my crotch and brush my face with his hand.”
“The house’s decor led me to believe that this was a married man: The bric-a-brac with family pictures didn’t scream ‘old queen’ to me; it announced a woman’s influence. Still, we made our way upstairs.
“When we got to what reminded me of a rarely used guest room, he stripped me down, and the man’s hands and mouth were all over me." (When we were done, ) he took a $20 bill from his wallet, shoved in my front pocket, adding ‘Remember, I can buy and sell your ass ten thousand times over. You were never here. Don’t try to come back here. You don’t know me." [David Phillips, man about town]
(Click on any image to ENLARGE it)
WELL HOWDY, REV’LERS!
I’m Rev. Art. Welcome to our crib in Metro Fairborn and THE STAND-UP! - Its like Revenge of the Nerds, but with more pie…
Fo’ shizzle - welcome to our hizzle!
Unattended Children Will be Given an Espresso and a Free Puppy.
Thanx t' Tom's Lake Humor Co.
I’m sorry about the global warming. It’s my fault. I’ll take care of it.
PLEASE - join Da Rev & Da Pagan Baby in contributing to an all out effort to eradicate a horrific malady brought to our attention by Bob & Erin. I hope we can count on a check from everyone here this weekend for $500. or more for continuing research into “Blood & Vomit Sneezing”…
The California fires are getting worse. I just heard a report that Malibu Barbie had to evacuate. The Barbie Dream house up in smoke... there go all those memories of porno movie re-enactments with Barbie, Ken and Skipper! And GI Joe!
Gov. Ah-nuld & Jamie Lee Curtis as Dr. Ken & Nurse Barbie
I was watching Dr. Sanjay Gupta on CNN just a few minutes ago. In case you missed it, meat tenderizers are effective in taming priapism.
Current Biology journal reports this month that modern humans share a speech gene with Neanderthal Man, according to researchers who extracted DNA from fossils found in Spain. Of course, they could be wrong. They are only scientists, they're not preachers.
Jaguar mother "Sally" looks at her eight weeks old cub in their enclosure at the Munich zoo October 26, 2007. The jaguar cub was born on September 2 in the zoo.
[Photo by Michael Dalder]
Argus Hamilton: Bonnie Raitt, Jackson Browne and Graham Nash are putting a new millennium twist on their 1970s anti-nuclear message, urging Congress not to approve federal loan guarantees for new nuclear power plants. They know OH SO MUCH MORE than those pesky experts ever could!
Why aren't these people up in arms about France? The French have 58 nuclear plants that supply 80% of their power needs. 80%!! In the U.S. it's around 20%. AND France has the cleanest air of any industrialized nation (unless you're standing within 10 feet of a French citizen).
I don’t know how France gets rid of its nuclear waste. We could get rid of ours by filtering it through the thyroids of child molesters. Sure - radioactive child molesters: twice the danger, but only one tenth the life span.
Isn't Jackson Browne busy beating up Darryl Hannah? How is he supposed to stop the nuclear power industry?
Graham Nash has a proposal for generating power by having everyone wear beanies w/ propellers on top.
These aging popsters should take a page from Ringo, whose "No no no no, I don't smoke it no more / I'm tired of waking up on the floor..." remains relevant after all these years… And remember, Ringo rides in a Yellow Nuclear Submarine! I saw Al Gore riding with him back in the ‘70s.
Venerable Comedian-Activist Jerry Mahoney
Al Gore’s too busy to address this issue effectively - so Da Rev has convinced Comedian Jerry Mahoney to come out of retirement to spearhead advocacy of nuclear energy. He will sit on my lap, explaining, “…for a useful reactor ‘T’ must exceed 10^8 degrees and nt must exceed 10^16. These conditions are very severe. Abotulabeer, abotulabeer, abotulabeer, abotulabeer…”
So… I bought my granddaughter the latest Book by J.K. Rowling about the “Boy Wizard” - "Harry's Putter and the Sorceror's Bone".
Now they’re saying Dumbledore’s gay?! My granddaughter told me that 3 years ago.
So - would you say his wand is magic - or FABULOUS!?
The next Potter movie will be titled, “Brokeback Hogwart”! Coming soon: “Harry Potter and the Activity Pit of Secrets”…
"Hairy Potter & the Goblet of Man Ass"!
OK, Kiddies - Do zombies eat popcorn with their fingers?
No, they eat the fingers separately...
ADAM & EVE as portrayed by Seal & Heidi Klum
Why was the skeleton afraid to cross the road?
He had no guts...
NO GUTS!
According to information released this week: When opera singer Luciano Pavarotti died, he was $26 million in debt. This is what happens when restaurants extend credit to overweight celebrities.
Thanx t' Tom's Lake Humor Co.
ABRAXSIS
STRESS
In a study published yesterday: One third of Americans are "extremely stressed". Earlene says her boss is stressed. She says she can remember when he was just a carrier.
The study shows many people react to stress by eating too much, smoking too much, impulse buying of things they don't need, arguing with people at work, and gambling. Wait a minute! Eating too much? Smoking too much? Buying stuff? Arguing? Gambling? Those are Earlene’s ingredients for a perfect day! Thanx t' Tom's Lake Humor Co.
And stress is a leading cause of insomnia. When I feel stressed and I have trouble sleeping - I DON’T count sheep. It takes too long to get started. These days - before I can count the sheep - they have to go through a metal detector.
Thanx t' Tom's Lake Humor Co.
Marlee Matlin as "Lucy".
GET YOUR FREE DOWNLOADABLE HALLOWEEN MASK! SCARE THE BEJESUS OUTTA ALL THOSE PAGANS & ATHEISTS!
Marc Jacobs & Naomi Campbell all dressed up!
DOWNLOAD FREE HALLOWEEN SCREENSAVERS
SENATOR LARRY CRAIG (R-I DA HO) TAKES FIRST PLACE
Washington (LaughFish.com) - Senator Larry Craig (R-ID), won first place in the annual Senatorial Halloween costume contest. "To tell you the truth I thought I was being a bit obvious or kitschy dressing as a glory hole," beamed the Senator. "I'm just happy the judges appreciated the effort."
A glass monument to revolutionary icon Ernesto "Che" Guevara was shot up and destroyed less than two weeks after it was unveiled by Venezuelan President Hugo Chavez's government. …sigh… even Ernie’s statue is a martyr!
Hold ON! I’m surprised. Hasn't Hugo thought of banning guns?
WILDFIRES
Thanx t' Tom's Lake Humor Co.
Wildfires are still raging across California. If you think the smoke is thick now - wait until you see the smokescreen the insurance companies produce to avoid making any pay outs.
Jake Novak's Humor Blog
Rudy Hit?
A former mobster says the nation's leading crime families almost decided to put a hit on Rudy Giuliani back in 1987... something that would have ended the careers of most of New York City's divorce lawyers before they even started.
Wildfires Latest
Thousands of evacuees in the San Diego area were sent to Qualcomm Stadium. The evacuee center set up at Qualcomm forced the San Diego Chargers to play last Sunday's game on the road. Oh Lord, when will the devastation end!
Comedian Argus Hamilton
President Bush said last week that if we want to avoid World War III, Iran must disarm. It's unnerving to Baby Boomers. During the Cold War, whether we all lived or died depended on the president's judgment, now it depends on his blood sugar level.
Malibu was evacuated after brushfires ignited in the hills above the movie colony last week. Nobody panicked. Hollywood agents saw the flames outside their windows when they woke up Sunday morning and just assumed they had died.
San Diego's Qualcomm Stadium sheltered the brushfire evacuees. Inside the stadium, people were offered yoga, acupuncture, massage therapy, cappuccino and catered meals from the Hyatt. Clothing was brought in by Salvation Army and Fitch.
Southern Californians haven't suffered like this since it drizzled on the Rose Parade.
The Los Angeles Times reported Thursday one million Southern Californians were evacuated by the brushfires. Everyone out there was very casual about it. Yesterday it was announced that anyone who turns in an arsonist gets a free taco from Taco Bell.
President Bush was briefed on firefighting efforts when he landed in San Diego. Officials explained their plan to drop retardant on the fire. President Bush said there must be some mistake, it's his father who does all the parachute jumps.
The Federal Reserve will reportedly cut interest rates Tuesday to bail out the financial markets. It's just in time. Homeowners are drowning in the ocean with sharks fast approaching, when miraculously the Fed steps in and saves the sharks.
The Republican Governors Association partied in Washington last week to celebrate Bobby Jindal's election as governor of Louisiana. It broke the mold. The voters of Louisiana elected the only Indian in the state who is ineligible for a casino license.
President Bush threatened harsh sanctions against the nation of Myanmar, which used to be called Burma. The country is torn in two. President Bush met with the press and announced he would support whichever side is easier to pronounce.
Video: PEYTON MANNING LOVES KIDS!
Da Rev: The Colorado Rockies made it into the World Series as the first team to promote evangelical Christianity. They are sincere. The team believes if you lead a good life you'll be rewarded. They’re 0 for 3 so far. The BOSOX have been driving home the argument for WORKS over FAITH!
MORE Argus
West Virginia led all fifty states in a federal survey in the number of pregnant women who smoke. The state also leads the nation in Mega Lottery winners and coal mining casualties. In West Virginia the odds are good, but the goods are odd.
Dick Cheney told a group of Virginians last week that Iran poses a nuclear threat to the United States and to the Middle East. He threatened grave consequences. The Virginians gave the vice president some candy and pointed him to the next front porch.
Thanx t' Tom's Lake Humor Co.
BRITNEY
As the wildfire flames approached, Britney Spears was photographed evacuating her Malibu home. Britney was so scared - she forgot to take off her panties.
There's a report Britney Spears is negotiating to appear in a Playboy Magazine photo spread. The magazine only wants to pay half their normal fee - because everybody's already seen the part Playboy readers are interested in.
(Click on any image to ENLARGE it)
Crystal Halloween
Art by Camilla d'Errico
HUNKS FOR THE LADIES
Brandon Herman
... HALLOWEEN RULES:
=> When it appears that you have killed the monster, NEVER check to see if it's really dead.
=> Never read a book of demon summoning aloud, even as a joke.
=> Do not search the basement, especially if the power has just gone out.
=> If your children speak to you in Latin or any other language which they should not know, or if they speak to you using a voice which is other than their own, shoot them immediately! It will save you a lot of grief in the long run. NOTE: It will probably take several rounds to kill them, so be prepared.
=> When you have the benefit of numbers, NEVER pair off and go it alone.
=> As a general rule, don't solve puzzles that open portals to Hell.
=> If you're searching for something which caused a noise and find out that it's just the cat, leave the room immediately if you value your life.
=> If you find a town which looks deserted, it's probably for a reason. Take the hint and stay away.
=> Don't fool with recombinant DNA technology unless you're sure you know what you are doing.
=> If you're running from the monster, expect to trip or fall down at least twice, more if you are of the female persuasion. Also note that, despite the fact that you are running and the monster is merely shambling along, it's still moving fast enough to catch up with you.
=> Stay away from certain geographical locations, some of which are listed here: Amityville, Elm Street, Transylvania, Nilbog (you're in trouble if you recognize this one), the Bermuda Triangle, or any small town in Maine.
=> If your car runs out of gas at night, do not go to the nearby deserted-looking house to phone for help.
If this little Girl Scout Fergie were a bumper car, I'd ride her around the track and bang her against the guardrail . . . until, of course, my grandson made me get out and let him have a go.
Top Complaints of the Modern Day Vampire:
Nutrasweet or not, fat-free blood tastes like crap.
Three Words: Daylight Savings Time
Thanks to all those Marilyn Manson fans, we just aren't taken seriously any more.
After 45 years of Communist rule, it's impossible to find clean, uncontaminated Transylvanian soil for bottom of coffin.
After 100 years of trying, still can't score with Vampirella.
Sick and tired of being mistaken for Keith Richards.
Buxom wenches of old have been replaced by aerobicized "hardbodies."
Baboon heart makes everything taste gamey.
And the number 1 complaint of Modern-day Vampires:
No small task beating John Edwards to a warm body.
Police arrested Malcolm Davidson, a 27 year old white male, resident of White Plains, NY, in a pumpkin patch at 11:38pm Friday. Davidson will be charged with lewd and lascivious behavior, public indecency,and public intoxication at the County courthouse on Monday.
The suspect allegedly stated that as he was passing a pumpkin patch, he decided to stop. "You know, a pumpkin is soft and squishy inside, and there was no one around here for miles. At least I thought there wasn't" he stated in a phone interview from the County courthouse jail.
Davidson went on to state that he pulled over to the side of the road, picked out a pumpkin that he felt was appropriate to his purposes, cut a hole in it, and proceeded to satisfy his alleged "need".
"I guess I was just really into it, you know?" he commented with evident embarrassment.
In the process, Davidson apparently failed to notice the White Plains police car approaching and was unaware of his audience until officer Brenda Taylor approached him. "It was an unusual situation, that's for sure" said officer Taylor. "I walked up to (Davidson) and he's...just working away at this pumpkin."
Taylor went on to describe what happened when she approached Davidson. "I just went up and said, 'Excuse me sir, but do you realize that you are screwing a pumpkin?' He got real surprised, as you'd expect, and then looked me straight in the face and said, 'A pumpkin!? Damn...is it midnight already?'"
A nun gets into a cab and the cab driver won't stop staring at her. She asks him why is he staring and he replies, "I have a question to ask you but I don't want to offend you."
She answers, "My dear son, you cannot offend me. When you're as old as I am and have been a nun as long as I have, you get a chance to see and hear just about everything. I'm sure that there's nothing you could say or ask that I would find offensive."
"Well, I've always had a fantasy to have a nun perform oral sex on me."
She responds, "Well, let's see what we can do about that: First you have to be single and secondly you must be Catholic."
The cab driver is very excited and says, "Yes, I am single and I'm Catholic too!"
The nun says, "O.K., pull into the next alley."
He does and the nun fulfills his fantasy. But when they get back on the road, the cab driver starts crying.
"My dear child, why are you crying?"
"Forgive me sister, but I have sinned. I lied, I must confess, I'm married and I'm Jewish."
The nun replies "That's okay, my name's Julian and this is just my Halloween costume!"
One Halloween this woman opens her door to find the most adorable little girl, with golden blond curly hair and the biggest blue eyes.
She was dressed as an Angel, and was just delightful. The woman said, "what are you supposed to say sweetheart?"
The little girl looks up at the woman and says "Twick or Tweat!"
The woman thinks this is just adorable, and she calls her husband to come to the door. The woman say to the child, "Go ahead honey say it just one more time."
Once again the little Angel looks up and says, "Twick or Tweat!"
The husband agrees with his wife, this little Angel is just the cutest thing. The woman picks an apple from the Treat Bowl, shines it up with her apron, and drops it into the little girl's Treat Bag.
The little Angel looks in her bag then looks up at the woman and says, "Thanks a lot lady, you just broke my f**king cookies!"
Illustration by Camella d’Erico for octopus lovers, in or out of the closet…
“DEEP SEA TICKLE MONSTER”
"also "CLANDESTINE LOVERS""
Good fortune. COMMENT! Please spread the meme. Don’t smoke in bed…