October 27 , 2ôô7
Rev. Art's Blog For Hillary
Mariel Hadley Hemingway (46) is an Academy Award- and Golden Globe-nominated American actress (Manhattan, Lipstick, Star 80, Personal Best, many more). 
She was born in Mill Valley, California, the daughter of Byra Louise (née Whittlesey) and Jack Hemingway, a writer. Her paternal grandfather was writer Ernest Hemingway and her sister was Margaux Hemingway; she never met her grandfather, as he died several months before she was born. 
Tina Turner(68) (born Anna Mae Bullock) is a singer, songwriter, dancer, and actress. At age 16, she moved to St. Louis, Missouri, and became well known for her high energy performances with The Ike & Tina Turner Revue during the 1960s and 1970s. 
An eight-time Grammy Award winner, Turner's consistent success and popularity in rock music has earned her the title, "The Queen of Rock & Roll." Although best known as a rock artist, she has performed R&B, soul, dance and pop. Turner is one of the world's most popular and biggest-selling music artists of all time and is the most successful female rock artist of all time with record sales in excess of 180 million.
John Hughey (73) steel guitar player who toured for years with country legend Conway Twitty and recorded with Elvis Presley and many other stars. Hughey was credited with developing a unique style of playing that focused on the instrument's high tones, resulting in a distinctive "crying sound." He later recorded songs with Presley, Loretta Lynn, Marty Stuart, Willie Nelson, Dickey Betts of the Allman Brothers, Vince Gill and others. Hughey died of heart complications in Hendersonville, Tennessee on November 18, 2007.
“I am sorry to see ex-comrades sitting in Stormont. They had it in their power to strike a better deal. They’ve become British Ministers in a so-called Northern Ireland state. But in Irish history there has always been the native traitor.”
[Josephine Hayden, commenting on the partitioning of Ireland in 2007] (MORE on this topic - Partitioning of Ireland, several aticles)
“Why continue? Because we must. Because we have the call. Because it is nobler to fight for rationality without winning than to give up in the face of continued defeats. Because whatever true progress humanity makes is through the rationality of the occasional individual and because any one individual we may win for the cause may do more for humanity than a hundred thousand who hug their superstitions to their breast.”
[Isaac Asimov]
"The meek shall inherit the earth, but not the mineral rights."
[J. Paul Getty]
"Those who believe in telekinetics, raise my hand" [Kurt Vonnegut]
"I can picture in my mind a world without war, a world without hate. And I can picture us attacking that world, because they'd never expect it."
[Jack Handey]
Batshit nutty quote of the week (she musta been drunk...): “Too much certainty and clarity could lead to cruel intolerance…”
[Karen Armstrong, cock-eyed agnostic]
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WELL HOWDY, REV’LERS! 
I’m Rev. Art. Welcome to our crib in Metro Fairborn and THE STAND-UP! - Its like like "Dragnet", only the names haven't been changed and nobody's innocent…
PLEASE - join Da Rev & Da Pagan Baby in contributing to an all out effort to eradicate a horrific malady brought to our attention by the twins Barb & Jenna. I hope we can count on a check from everyone here this weekend for $500. or more for continuing research into “Miasma Dissolution”…
Members of a Russian doomsday cult have barricaded themselves inside a cave, they say the world will end next May. Meanwhile, here in Metro Fairborn, Ohio, members of a local doomsday cult are continuing to go about their daily business. They say the world has already ended - we're all just a figment of our own imaginations. Thanx t' Toms Lake Humor Co.
TRIVIA
Your Ethernet plug is designated RJ45. What does "RJ" stand for?
A: Roland Jenkins, the engineer who developed the standard
B: Required Jack
C: Nothing. It was the next alpha sequence in the index
D: Registered Join
E. The initials of the subcontractor in Germany who made them for IBM
Answer at the end of the Thanksgiving Dinner vignette…
Thanksgiving is an important time for families. A time to gather together - share a meal -and try to get even for all the insults they received last year at Thanksgiving. Thanx t' Toms Lake Humor Co.
OUR THANKSGIVING DINNER - 2007 - By Rev. Art
We celebrated Thanksgiving at our older son’s home, located in the northwest corner of Beaverditch, Ohio - home of “The Battling Beavers”.
It was great to share the Thanksgiving repast with our grandsons, Jesse and Jacob who are 18 and 16, along with the opportunity to meet their girl friends - who, though obviously not of age, are VERY foxy!
In the course of conversation following introductions, we learned that the taller, leggier blonde beauty is our older grandson’s favorite art photography model. In fact, my wife remarked that we had seen several compositions in which she was featured - and I remarked, “OH! Are YOU the young lady posed naked with all that blue goo slathered on you?”
It turned out I was correct, but the conversation abruptly turned away from photography at that point. I still wonder what the neighbors must think when he shoots nude models in the backyard in that uptight suburban community.
Later, she mentioned something about being born in Germany. She said her family had just finished their Thanksgiving dinner which featured a schnitzel fried in lard and potato balls stuffed with sour cream and salt pork fried in lard.
I mentioned that I had worked in an office with a German native who had married a soldier and moved to Dayton. I said, “Sometimes I would give her a lift to her apartment when her husband was traveling.”
Jesse’s girlfriend’s eyes grew wide and she asked, “Was she beautiful?”
My wife and most of the others turned to hear my response. I said, “Well… yes, she was, indeed quite, ahem… beautiful.”
Well, that was not handled to my benefit, I realized. I tried to recover. “She told me that in Germany they call high school, gymnasium! That was so interesting.”
My brother Johnny and his wife Wanda visited from Florida. They brought the wine. I was reading the label. I said, “OH? WALMART Brand Merlot? I wasn’t aware the Chinese had vineyards.”
My brother spoke up. “We got those bottles half-price at a flea market in Webb City!”
“Webb City has the world’s largest flea market,” his wife Wanda chimed in.
Johnny said, “I think it’s the biggest in Florida…”
“Well, Florida has ALL the big flea markets, Johnny!” Wanda insisted.
My wife said, “I don’t think they can label it Merlot if it’s a rice wine.”
My son Darren said, “Is there a way to check it for lead content?!”
I handed a pair of latex gloves to Johnny to use to unscrew the cap when he was ready to decant the wine.
Darren’s wife Margarita is a native of Colombia. She was very excited about her first opportunity to cook the Thanksgiving dinner for the family. There was turkey, dressing, mashed potatoes, sweet potatoes, corn and green beans. Of course, I was the first to take the plunge. I said, “Would someone please pass me some of that delicious-looking green gravy?”
Darren quickly interjected, “Dad, it’s guacamole!”
“Mmmm, guacamole, I choked. Let’s see… I guess I’ll save that for the pumpkin rellenos…”
There was an awkward moment when one of the lovely teenagers asked, “Isn’t someone going to say grace?”
Grandson Jesse popped up with, “Grandpa and I will leave the table if you pray!”
I said, “We only pray over HUMAN sacrifices, Honey. Would you like some wine?”
The wine wasn’t all that bad. Neither was the Dos Equis amber, which brought me to a level of relaxed inhibitions, causing me to launch into a series of entertaining anecdotes that incorporate members of our family who have long since gone over the rainbow to see Dorothy and Toto.
Our grandsons are half Filipino by descent, so I began to regale them with the story of a bachelor uncle on my German grandmother’s side of the family who was career military. He was stationed in the Philippines around the turn of the last century. I recounted some of the atrocities that he and some of his compatriots had committed against indigenous jungle dwellers and of which he boasted proudly - adding my totally unnecessary editorial comment that he was from the German side of the family, to which I did not usually lay claim, considering the appalling history of the Germans and their atrocities in the last century, etc., etc.
To my surprise, the young lady sitting with Jesse, the one featured in so many of his compositions, clothed and unclothed, with and without blue goo, emitted a sort of yelp, followed by a couple of exclamations that could not be mistaken for anything but German. The language seemed so guttural, incongruous coming from such a lovely young lady.
I gulped and tried to recover. I said, “Of course, he wasn’t just German, he was from Bucyrus, Ohio… you know, a small town… very parochial… which probably accounts for his behavior…”
My brother said, “But Gee, Art, Bucyrus seems like a pretty nice place.”
“Yeah - well, it’s not exactly cosmopolitan,” I replied. “I mean the place has always been about 98% German…
OK, if nobody objects, I‘m gonna drink those last two beers…”
Emit, a four week old southern three banded armadillo, eats banana off the hand of keeper Dawn Strasser at the Cincinnati Zoo, Wednesday, Nov. 22, 2007, in Cincinnati. This is the first time in 11 years the Cincinnati Zoo has successfully bred this rare species of armadillo, which lives in the open grassy areas, forests and marshes of Bolivia, Brazil, Paraguay and Argentina.
[Photo by Tom Uhlman] 
Receive a Free Frozen Turkey By Accepting Jesus Christ as Your Personal Savior Before December 25th!
Your VIDEO: Controversial Tell-All Book Reveals Wrestling Fans Are Fake
TRIVIA ANSWER - B: Required Jack
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By Saira Wasim
If someone were to beat Cindy Sheehan to a bloody pulp with a copy of the Koran - would it be a “hate crime”? Or would it be ironic?
Speaking of irony - some poor bastard got himself murdered this week in Cincinnati. There are no suspects so far in the murder of Israel Muhammad… ISRAEL MUHAMMAD!! Did he blow himself up?!
Thanx t' BartCop.com
New mom Nancy Grace is doing "good" after she was hospitalized with complications after giving birth to twin chupacabras prematurely. She had trouble breathing after delivering chupacabras Rush and Karl two months early on November 4. Doctors then found two blood clots in her lungs, but the 48-year-old witch is now on the road to recovery. She'll be back to slurring the innocent in no time. 
WIKIPEDIA too liberal for ya? Never fear - “Concerned Woman” Phyllis Schaffly’s son has delivered a CONCERVATIVE alternative - CONSERVAPEDIA - so right thinking folks won’t have to be assaulted by pages of stuff they disagree with or find disgusting, you know. Well - look - here’s just a few random links to some of the more popular pages: “Conservapedia Statistics”
BUT WAIT! Check THIS: Dickapedia, MAIN Page
(CLICK IT!)
Jake Novak's Humor Blog
Musharraf Standing Down
Pakistani President Gen. Pervez Musharraf could quit the army any day now. It was either that, or keep living with that "Don't Ask, Don't Tell" thing.
Insurance Companies Snagged
The nation's insurance companies are reportedly suffering huge losses in the subprime mortgage mess. Finally, some good news is coming out of all of this!
Comedian Argus Hamilton
Former Press Secretary Scott McClellan said Tuesday that President Bush helped to cover up the leak of CIA agent Valerie Plame's identity. It caused panic. Later that day at the annual turkey pardoning ceremony, President Bush wrung the turkey's neck and pardoned himself. 
The Weather Channel warned Monday that stormy weather would delay Thanksgiving travel across the nation. It was slow. Delays were so long at Minneapolis Airport that Senator Larry Craig went to the men's room because he had to go to the men's room. 
The U.S. will attempt Mideast peace talks in Maryland Tuesday. Lebanon is being run by Hezbollah, Hamas controls the Gaza Strip, the U.S. has thrown its weight behind Saddam's old party in Iraq, and Iran is acquiring nuclear weapons. The way the war on terror is progressing, Americans are starting to wonder if President Bush is a double agent. 
Saudi Arabia prompted outrage Monday after a female rape victim was ordered to be whipped for being alone with a man (who was also raped in the incident.) It's disturbing. Hardly a day goes by that another name isn't added to the list of countries we should have invaded instead of
Iraq.
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MORE from Jake
Green Christmas
Organizers are hailing this year's Rockefeller Christmas tree as "enviro-friendly" because it's being decorated with energy efficient lights... that's kind of like being proud that you harpooned a whale from a solar-powered boat.
Walking Off
The plastic surgeon who operated on hip-hop star Kanye West's mother the day before she died walked off the set of CNN's "Larry King Live"... mostly because Larry kept calling him "Ringo." 
MORE liners from Argus
The Transportation Security Administration (TSA) told U.S. airline passengers they must pack neatly. Officials say bags that have too much clutter in them will be pulled aside for more screening. This is the point where even the Germans say, "Enough already!" 
The U.S. Appeals Court agreed Monday to decide a case brought by the blind, who want U.S. currency resized. However, there is opposition. If Ben Franklin's head gets any bigger, the Baseball Hall of Fame won't accept anything larger than a twenty. 
President Bush handed out the National Medals for Arts and Humanities Thursday to writers, artists, musicians and thinkers. They had to be nervous going into the White House. Executing the intellectuals is always the next step after waterboarding. 
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MARIEL HEMINGWAY!
I'm attracted to her so strongly - call the scientists and tell them I may have discovered a fifth fundamental force.
A female CNN journalist heard about a very old Jewish man who had been going to the Western Wall to pray, twice a day, everyday, for a long, long time.
So she went to check it out. She went to the Western Wall and there he
was, walking slowly up to the holy site.
She watched him pray and after about 45 minutes, when he turned to leave, using a cane and moving very slowly, she approached him for an interview.
"Pardon me, sir, I'm Rebecca Smith from CNN. What's your name?
"Morris Fishbien," he replied .
"Sir, how long have you been coming to the Western Wall and praying?"
"For about 60 years."
"60 years! That's amazing! What do you pray for?"
"I pray for peace between the Christians, Jews, and Muslims."
"I pray for all the wars and all the hatred to stop. "
"I pray for all our children to grow-up safely as responsible adults, and to love their fellow man."
"How do you feel after doing this for 60 years?"
"LADY - like I'm talking to a fuckin' wall. Oy!
HUNKS FOR THE LADIES
DANIEL
Many times when I am troubled or confused, I find comfort in sitting in my back yard and having a vodka and cranberry, along with a quiet conversation with Jesus.
This happened to me again after a particularly difficult day. I said "Jesus, why do I work so hard?"
And I heard the reply: "Men find many ways to demonstrate the love they have for their family. You work hard to have a peaceful, beautiful place for your friends and family to gather."
I said: "I thought that money was the root of all evil."
And the reply was: "No, the LOVE of money is the root of all evil. Money is a tool; it can be used for good or bad".
I was starting to feel better, but I still had that one burning question, so I asked it. "Jesus," I said, "What is the meaning of life? Why am I here?"
He replied: "That is a question many men ask. The answer is in your heart and is different for everyone. I would love to chat with you some more, Senor, but for now... I have to finish your lawn." 
"Oh Sarah, I just heard the news" said Esther to her friend. "You poor dear. Your husband Morris drowned. At least he left you ten million dollars. It's amazing that he made so much money, yet he couldn't even read or write."
Sarah smiled, "Yeah, thank Gawd he couldn't swim either." 
A Jewish young man was seeing a psychiatrist for an eating and sleeping disorder.
"I am so obsessed with my mother... As soon as I go to sleep, I start dreaming, and everyone in my dream turns into my mother. I wake up in such a state, all I can do is go downstairs and eat a piece of toast."
The psychiatrist replies:
"VOT, just one piece of toast, for a big boy like you?" 
HALLE BERRY - MUM-TO-BE
If beauty and brains were a security fence, I would penetrate her late at night, in the dark, and with the help of Federal Agent Jack Bauer.
ACTRESS TRACIE TOMS ("GRINDHOUSE")
A man was in the hospital recovering from an operation when a nun walked into his room. She was there to cheer up the sick and lame. They started talking and she asked about his life. He talked about his wife and his 13 children.
"My, my," said the nun, "13 children, a good, proper Catholic family. Jesus is very proud of you."
"I'm sorry Sister," he says, "I am not Catholic, I'm actually Jewish"
"Jewish!" she replies, "And a SEX maniac to boot!" 
An old Jewish lady is sitting in a restaurant sipping tea. By the next table there are 3 nuns discussing where to go for a vacation.
The 2nd nun says to Mother Superior "Let's go to Jerusalem." Mother Superior says "No, too many Jews there."
The 3rd nun says to Mother Superior let's go to New York. Mother Superior says "No, too many Jews there."
The 2nd nun again speaks and says let's go to Los Angeles. Mother Superior says "No, too many Jews there."
The little Jewish old lady leans over and says with a Yiddish Accent: "Vell, vhy don't you go to hell, dere are no Jews there!!!" 
From the Last Chance Garage!
This 1957 PLYMOUTH BELVEDERE
Good fortune. COMMENT! Please spread the meme. Don’t smoke in bed…
