October 27 , 2ôô7
KIDS EAT FREE!
FULL PAYMENT FOR WOUNDED SOLDIERS
Following reports of wounded combat veterans forced to repay thousands of dollars in signing bonuses to the Army because they could not complete their tour of duty, Hillary sent a letter to Secretary of the Army Pete Geren, strongly urging a reversal of policy:
"This policy is outrageous and should be reversed immediately. Soldiers who have enlisted in the Army have made a commitment to serve our nation. With our nation at war in Iraq and Afghanistan, we should honor those who make that commitment. By agreeing to serve and then suffering wounds during their service, these soldiers have earned their bonuses. To ask soldiers who are being medically discharged to return their bonuses dishonors their service and undermines the Army's stated commitment to soldiers and their families."
The Pentagon has now said that calling for repayment is not official policy. To be sure this does not happen again, Hillary announced that she will introduce legislation that requires the military services to continue to pay certain bonuses to a member of the Armed Forces who is medically retired or separated due to a combat-related injury. 
HE’S OUR FAVORITE “B” MOVIE ACTOR…
Jeff Fahey (51) is an American film and television actor. Jeffrey David Fahey was born in Olean, New York, one of thirteen siblings. He was raised in Buffalo, New York from the age of ten. Fahey left home at the age of seventeen, subsequently hitchhiking to Alaska, backpacking through Europe and working in an Israeli kibbutz.
Fahey started performing when he won a full scholarship to dance with the Joffrey Ballet (at the age of 25) and this eventually led to him performing in theater across the country, and on Broadway. He landed his first major role in television playing Gary Corelli on the ABC soap opera One Life to Live. In 1985, he received his first major role in film, playing the villain Tyree in Silverado. He then in 1986 played a gun dealer named Eddie Kaye in Miami Vice; his character is best known for destroying the Ferrari sports car the two lead characters drove. He portrayed Deputy Marshal Winston MacBride in “The Marshal”, TV series. Out of Time, White Hunter, Black Heart, Impulse, Body Parts, The Lawnmower Man (also known as Stephen King's "The Lawnmower Man" and Virtual Man), and many, many more.
Since then, he has appeared in a handful of big films and many more low budget films, including "Grindhouse: Planet Terror". He will be playing a character in the fourth season of "Lost". 
"More than two decades later, it is hard to imagine the Revolutionary War coming out any other way."
[George W. Bush, July 4, 2007]
"That GOP debate was nothing more than a caricature of conservatives as racists, sexists, bigots and homophobes."
[Pig-Boy Rash Limbo, who's right twice a day] 
"Jesus Christ - it's fucking hot down here!"
[The Woman-Hating, Unctious Hypocrite, Former Congressman Henry Hyde...] Thanx t' BartCop.com
"More Americans believe in a literal hell and the devil than Darwin's theory of evolution, according to a new Harris poll released on Thursday.
It is the latest survey to highlight America's deep level of religiosity, a cultural trait that sets it apart from much of the developed world.
We are screwed up.
Can we please acknowledge this is a problem, rather than making excuses for it?
This is the scientist's job, to strive for closer and closer approximations to factual reality - and when three quarters of the population are embracing counterfactual idiocy, we are failing.
I am not interested in resigning ourselves to accepting lies that a culture regards as virtues. I'd rather we aspired to understand the universe as it is." [Prof. PZ Myers]
(Click on any image to ENLARGE it)
WELL HOWDY, REV’LERS!
I’m Rev. Art. Welcome to our crib in Metro Fairborn and THE STAND-UP! - Its like Sesame St., but the kids are all runaways…
PLEASE - join Da Rev & Da Pagan Baby in contributing to an all out effort to eradicate a horrific malady brought to our attention by Brangelina. I hope we can count on a check from everyone here this weekend for $500. or more for continuing research into “Ladies' Oblivion Madness”…
I see here in the Fairborn Herald our town was voted one of the ten least interesting places in Ohio. Huh! We purposely try to avoid attractin’ attention. Well, at least we’re not as boring as Medway.
Medway: Population, 56; Number of surnames, 4.
Medway’s town council members are voted in by rock, paper, scissors.
At Tuesday’s council meeting the commissioners deliberated 45 minutes over the only major town budget line item - uh - hay, for the "one horse". 
When all of the teenagers in Medway cruise the strip on Saturday nights, it takes 20 seconds and a pick-up truck.
Jack gets home to Medway from the road every second weekend. He says no matter how he parks it, his 18-wheeler is never fully in the city limits.
Mike Cavendish has lived in Medway - Jeez, what - 28 years now. But everyone still says he lives "in the old Wilson house".
Billy Maypo got a seasonal job distributing Ameritech Phone Directories from his bicycle in Medway. The Medway phone directory is a 3x5 index card.
At the Medway Barber Shop, the proprietor is a dead-ringer for Al Franken...
I have to say, Da pagan Baby and I were delighted to find a real old-fashioned "Mom and Pop' grocery store in Medway. We stopped one Saturday morning just to look around and bought a pound of “rabbit-huntin’ bologna” and some peanuts in the shell from a big barrel. 
We paused for a cup of freshly ground and brewed coffee. As I paid for it, I noticed an old, crudely hand-lettered sign above the steaming pot which read: COFFE - 15¢. In an effort to be helpful, I mentioned to the shop's owners that the coffee was delicious, but the word on the sign was misspelled. When we returned to the store a couple of weeks later, there stood Mom and Pop, beaming. And perched atop the coffee pot was a brand-new, professionally painted sign, which proclaimed: COFFEE - 25¢.
TRIVIA
Leonard Slye is better known as:
A: Malcolm X
B: Roy Rogers
C: Sylvester Stallone
D: Harry Reasoner
E: Asashoryu Akinori 
Argus Hamilton says: “Los Angeles shopping malls opened at three in the morning on Black Friday. Extra hours won't help. To compete with Internet shopping, retailers will have to show live camera feeds from the women's dressing room and set up poker tables in the men's department.” 
And people wonder why I do 98% of my shopping on-line. Here’s another thing - at the Fairfield Mall this afternoon I felt a man's hand in my pocket. I said "What the hell are you doing?"
He said "I was just lookin’ for a cigarette, Man".
I said "Why didn't you ask? I would have told you I don‘t smoke!"
He said "I never talk to strangers". 
Shop on-line! Avoid searching for a parking space. There’s no pushing and shoving. No aching feet. No bursting bladder because you can't find the bathroom. Although you can buy a program for your computer that simulates all of those things… Thanx t' www.tomslake.com
A new book by a waitress says the secret to getting good restaurant service is to be friendly with the staff. I'm very friendly with the staff at the cafe next to the hardware store in downtown Fairborn, Ohio. Yesterday when the waitress brought my lunch - she said - "I gave you an extra handful of mashed potatoes". www.tomslake.com
My buddy Chris loves to yodel as he shows folks around the furniture store where he works. A lot of folks specifically ask for him when they arrive in the store. They ask for that salesman who yodels, even though he scares their children.
Yodeling was popular with Old West cowboys, of course. Gunslingers would shoot first - then ask questions - then yodel. www.tomslake.com
I remember when Neil Diamond was a young rocker with an electric guitar and hair, lots of hair. Neil Diamond said this week that a photograph of ten-year-old Caroline Kennedy inspired him to write Sweet Caroline thirty years ago. Argus Hamilton reminds us: “Those were more innocent times. Today Neil Diamond is no longer allowed to live within two hundred yards of a public school!” 
(CLICK this!)
BTW - Carl - the popular singing group was “Boys II Men”. But the aggregation that your son hooked up with calls themselves “Boys IV Men” - right?
On Paul Harvey the other day - he told of a break-in at “The Strictly Amish” Store in a small town where tourists come to gawk at people who dress in black and drive buggies. Well - the only thing missing from “The Strictly Amish” Store was one 42-inch plasma TV!
TRIVIA Answer:
Leonard Slye is better known as Roy Rogers. 
Well, the hostage crisis at the Hillary Campaign HQ in Rochester, NH ended peacefully Friday. A grateful nation unclenches…
I heard the whole bomb-scare situation was just a big misunderstanding. Apparently Sandy Berger decided to surprise the campaign staff with a 6-foot hoagie... smuggled in his pants.
Thanx t' www.tomslake.com
WRONG TRACK
In a survey: 77% of Americans say they believe their country is on the wrong track. The other 23% are debt collectors and mortgage foreclosure consultants.
Not only do 77% believe America is on the wrong track - they
have a sneaky suspicion the tracks were made with defective
Chinese steel. 
BANG
In North Korea: They executed a factory manager who made an unauthorized long distance phone call. North Korea is a very strict country. VERY strict. They give you six months in jail for running with scissors.
Jake Novak's Humor Blog
Arabs Join In
Several Arab countries will be attending the Israeli-Palestinian peace talks in Annapolis this week to help bolster Palestinian confidence. And joining the talks to help bolster the Israelis will be three Jewish cardiologists and an accountant named "Murray."
Representatives from Syria, Saudi Arabia, Yemen and Sudan will be at the peace conference... so the world can be reminded of how great it is for everyone when Arabs get their own states. 
The Israelis are reportedly ready to again offer the Palestinians their own state and even parts of Jerusalem. The Arab countries are reportedly willing to stop killing Jews on alternate Tuesdays.
Teacher in Trouble
A British schoolteacher is in jail in Sudan and could face 40 lashes and six months in prison after letting her students name a teddy bear "Mohammed." Although it's not clear whether she's being punished for insulting the name of the prophet or giving the kids a toy that doesn't explode.
Her lawyer says the teacher "would never have done anything deliberately to insult the Muslim faith"... you know, other than being born a woman.
(Hmmm, interesting… apparently these guys don‘t just hate Jews…)
Thompson Tax Plan
Republican presidential hopeful Fred Thompson is proposing an income tax plan that would allow Americans to choose a simplified system with only two rates: 10% and 25%. Of course, the current 0% rate for major campaign donors will remain in effect regardless.
Comedian Argus Hamilton
Pat Buchanan has written a new book called Day of Reckoning, which says the Iraq War was imperial folly, free trade is a destructive cult and illegal immigration is ruining the country. You can't make it up. Pat Buchanan was Richard Nixon's speechwriter and political advisor, and the Bush administration is even too evil for him to explain. 
Israel's Ehud Olmert and Palestinian leader Mahmoud Abbas agreed to begin talks for an independent Palestine. They'll meet every two weeks. The leaders say they are worried because they can hear the clock ticking, at least they think it's a clock. 
The U.S. Army announced Monday it is retrofitting a million uniforms because the crotch seams keep ripping while soldiers are working in Iraq. They must be sewn up tight. Anything that makes pulling out any easier is a violation of the Bush Doctrine. 
President Bush signed a deal with Iraq's Prime Minister Nouri al-Maliki last week, committing U.S. troops to stay in Iraq permanently. The pattern is familiar. It's the illusion of every alcoholic to think they can occupy a country like normal people. 
Thailand lawmakers proposed a bill that orders all citizens to stand at attention twice a day for their national anthem. They'll be sorry. We tried this for a year after the World Trade Center attack and when the music stopped we were in Iraq.
Arkansas' former governor Mike Huckabee tied for the lead in Iowa in the latest presidential poll. He's a conservative Republican and a gun rights advocate who strongly supports the sanctity of holy marriage. He sure looks like a walkin' talkin' gay stereotype. 
MORE Jake
Grace's Good News
Nancy Grace's premature twins are finally out of the hospital... but she's actually much happier about the arrests in the Natalee Hollway case.
MORE Argus
U.S. Olympic star Marion Jones was stripped of all her Olympic medals. It seemed inevitable. She wore them into the New York Jets game at the Meadowlands on Sunday and by the time she walked through Gate D, the medals were gone and so was her lingerie. 
John Edwards marched with striking screenwriters in Beverly Hills Monday. He's right at home there. Residents of LA-LA Land are the only people who know that his four-hundred-dollar haircut is what you pay at SuperCuts in Beverly Hills - but only if you have a coupon. 
O.J. Simpson pleaded not guilty in Las Vegas Wednesday and was ordered to stand trial in April. He could get life in prison for using a handgun in the commission of a robbery. When he stopped using a knife it was like Michael Jordan playing baseball. 
Rudy Giuliani was reported Wednesday to have billed New York City for security expenses as mayor when he visited the Hamptons to commit adultery with Judi Nathan. You cannot expect the mayor to travel without security. What if his wife follows him? 
Senator Teddy Kennedy signed the richest political book deal in history Monday to write his memoirs. He's been keeping detailed notes throughout his career. His co-author now faces the daunting task of collating a hundred thousand cocktail napkins. 
WHAT THE ___?!? A PINK CAT?
Canadians invaded the U.S. on Black Friday to Christmas shop with the Canadian dollar, which is far stronger than the U.S. dollar. What a slide. Seven years ago we were the world's only superpower, and now we're just hoping that Canadians like us enough to leave a nice tip. 
ACTRESS ANDIE McDOWELL IS SO HOT!!
If her hotness were scotch I'd chug that irresistable liquid. And then I'd throw up in the morning.
Having been married ten years and still living in an apartment, the wife would often complain about anything, as she was tired of saving every penny to buy a "dream home". In an attempt to placate her, the husband found a new apartment, within their budget. However, after the first week, she began complaining again.
"Joel," she said, "You know, I don't like this place at all. There are no curtains in the bathroom. The neighbors can see me every time I take a bath."
"Don't worry." replied her husband. "If the neighbors do see you, they'll buy curtains."
HUNKS FOR THE LADIES
Ernesto Verastegui
"Honey," said this husband to his wife, "I invited a friend home for supper."
"What? Are you crazy? The house is a mess, I didn't go shopping, all the dishes are dirty, and I don't feel like cooking a fancy meal!"
"I know all that."
"Then why did you invite a friend for supper?"
"Because the poor bastard's thinkin' about getting married." 
Told to me by a doc:
At a pre-med university in St. Louis, we had to take a difficult class in physics. One day the professor was discussing a particularly complicated concept. A student rudely interrupted to ask, "Why do we have to learn this stuff?"
"To save lives," the professor responded quickly and continued the lecture.
A few minutes later, the same student spoke up again. "So how does physics save lives?" he persisted.
"It usually keeps the idiots like you out of medical school!" replied the professor. 
Poor Anna would be 40 this week...
A hunter walking through the jungle found a huge dead rhino with a pigmy standing beside it. Amazed, he asked: "Did you kill that?".
The pigmy said "Yes."
The hunter asked "How could a little bloke like you kill a huge beast like that?"
Said the pigmy: "I killed it with my club."
The astonished hunter asked: "How big is your club?"
The pigmy replied: "There's about 60 of us." 
TAWNEE STONE IS SO BEAUTIFUL...
If beauty were a ventriliquist's dummy, I'd sit her on my lap and magically bring her to life... 
Morris needs a lawyer, so he grabs the yellow pages and picks out a law firm ---Schwartz, Schwartz, Schwartz & Schwartz. He calls up and says, "Is Mr. Schwartz in?"
The man says, "No, he's out playing golf."
Morris says, "All right, then let me speak to Mr. Schwartz."
"He's not with the firm any more, he's retired."
"Then let me talk to Mr. Schwartz."
"He's away in Boston, won't be back for a month."
"Okay, then let me talk to the other Mr. Schwartz."
"Speaking!" 
Mike will like this. MIKE! The car! The '49 Ford!
Good fortune. COMMENT! Please spread the meme. Don’t smoke in bed…
