February 9, 2ôô8
WISHING YOU A SAFE AND HAPPY VAENTINE'S DAY!
RANT, REV. - RANT!!
MSGOP?!?
MSNBC has a demonstrated bias against the Clintons since Bill was president. Chris “Tweety-Bird” Mathews has never been able to conceal his loathing for the former president and his wife. (SEE "Updated:Hillary vs. Tweety" )
Now David Schuster, who reports directly to Mathews, has stepped over a line with comments regarding Chelsea Clinton. Over the line? He calls her a whore!! HERE’S THE VIDEO! 
DOES ANYONE THINK THAT MSNBC WOULD DARE TO AIR THE WORD “PIMP” IN THE SAME SENTENCE WITH “OBAMA” - THE CANDIDATE, HIS WIFE, MICHELLE, OR HIS DAUGHTERS? WOULD THERE NOT BE HELL TO PAY?!?
Or how’s this? (A “what if” scenario from BartCop.com):
DAVID SHUSTER: Bill, there's just something a little bit unseemly to me that Caroline Kennedy's out there calling up celebrities, saying support Obama, and she's apparently also calling these super delegates.
BILL PRESS: Hey, she's working for her candidate. What's unseemly about that? During the last campaign, the Bush twins were out working for their dad. I think it's great, she's grown up in a political family, she's got politics in her blood, she loves her candidate, she thinks he'd make a great president...
SHUSTER: But doesn't it seem like Caroline's sort of being pimped out in some way? 
Donna Brazile, (D-Whiner) who is a super delegate, said she would quit the party if super delegates like herself decide this race. Yeah? Don’t let the door hit you in your big ass, Donna. GOSH! Isn't she still pledged to Al Gore? 
President Bush told the anti-secularist and unconstitutional National Prayer Breakfast Thursday about prayer and how it transformed his once-sinful life. It sounded forced. Normally Episcopalians believe that people shouldn't wear their religions on their sleeves, that area is reserved for cuff links. 
FEBRUARY 12, 1809: Both Darwin and Lincoln were born!
Charles Robert Darwin (12 February 1809 – 19 April 1882) was an English naturalist. He would be 199. After becoming eminent among scientists for his field work and inquiries into geology, he proposed and provided scientific evidence that all species of life have evolved over time from one or a few common ancestors through the process of natural selection. The fact that evolution occurs became accepted by the scientific community and the general public in his lifetime, while his theory of natural selection came to be widely seen as the primary explanation of the process of evolution in the 1930s, and now forms the basis of modern evolutionary theory. In modified form, Darwin’s scientific discovery remains the foundation of biology, as it provides a unifying logical explanation for the diversity of life.
Abraham Lincoln (February 12, 1809 – April 15, 1865) was the sixteenth President of the United States, serving from March 4, 1861 until his assassination. He would be 199. As an outspoken opponent of the expansion of slavery in the United States, Lincoln won the Republican Party nomination in 1860 and was elected president later that year. During his term, he helped preserve the United States by leading the defeat of the secessionist Confederate States of America in the American Civil War. He introduced measures that resulted in the abolition of slavery, issuing his Emancipation Proclamation in 1863 and promoting the passage of the Thirteenth Amendment to the Constitution in 1865.
Sheryl Suzanne Crow (46) is an American blues rock singer, guitarist, bassist, songwriter and political activist. Her music blends country, pop, folk, and blues rock into one mainstream sound, and she has won ten Grammy Awards. 
Da Pagan Baby had a birthday February 7. No, I can’t tell you which one…
Maharishi Mahesh Yogi (91) guru to the Beatles who introduced the West to transcendental meditation. Yogi began teaching TM in 1955 and brought the technique to the US in '59. But the movement really took off after the Beatles attended one of his lectures in 1967 and visited his ashram in India in '68, bringing along such famous friends as Donovan. Yogi died in Vlodrop, Netherlands on February 5, 2008.
Da Rev holds the Maharishi personally responsible for inflicting the Guru of Irrationality, DeePak Chopra on the world. Deepak was reported to be inconsolable, saying he had always meant to go back to the Maharishi’s assram, but had not been able to fit it into his busy schedule.
People visit a guru when they want to learn the meaning of life. I remember the time I visited the Maharishi Hashish Yogi in Springfield in the '80s. He offered to tell me the meaning of life if I would show him how to program his VCR. Thanx t' www.tomslake.com
My guru is Willie Nelson. Willie‘s advice? “Just be cool, Man.”
Willie’s devotees believe that if we’re cool that when we die we’ll all go to Willie’s house. And PARTY!
"The carpet sweeper is the biggest scam perpetrated on the American public since One Hour Martinizing." [Cosmo Kramer]
"One of the great freedoms I have as a human being is to not be a grown up on certain days."
[Rash Limbo, on the days he has sex with little boys] 
Good Morning America: Could you see yourself working to support Hillary Clinton should she win the nomination?
(Click on any image to ENLARGE it)
WELL HOWDY, REV’LERS!
You probably don’t recognize me without my cape...
I’m Rev. Art. Welcome to our crib in Metro Fairborn and THE STAND-UP! - Its like Lillith Fair - but with a lot less body hair.
PLEASE - join Da Rev & Da Pagan Baby in contributing to an all out effort to eradicate a horrific malady brought to our attention by Phyllis McGuire. I hope we can count on a check from everyone here this weekend for $500. or more for continuing research into “Red Plague”…
What Would Jesus Smell Like?
Star Jones- Reynolds hasn’t had much luck in the employment department over the past couple years, from famously getting dumped by Barbara Walters to recently having TruTV ax “The Star Jones Show” after only a six-month run. But wait…! No need to open your wallet and donate to the Star Jones Giuseppe Zanotti Stiletto Fund just yet. Thankfully, Star has landed on her feet with a new, glamorous position for which she must travel all over the country — and we were lucky enough to get the media coverage of her first day on the job:
STAR JONES-REYNOLDS AND HER HUSBAND AL HAVE A NEW GIG AT FAMILY DOLLAR STORES!
IT’S ONLY A RUMOR: The REAL reason Mitt Romney is dropping out of the presidential race is a glam video of him wearing culottes - leaping across the stage, singing selections from the Ethel Merman songbook. Somewhere there is footage of Hucklebuck carrying on sans-culottes…
How much is your rebate? I checked with H. & R. Block and they say a "typical" family of four will get $1,800. By way of clarification - a “typical” family of four is two women, a sperm donor, and a transgendered Labrador Retriever.
Some are resentful that the poor may get tax rebates even though they pay no taxes. To be fair, The Lotto is a tax on the poor.
TRIVIA QUESTION
Who was Vice-President under Lincoln from 1861 to 1865?
Trivia Answer @ the end of The Standup!
Jerry says he believes workplace sex makes him more productive on the job. But, Jer - aren’t you self-employed?!
Indeed, being self-employed means you get to rant online to anyone who will read it; chase yourself around the desk; and its cool not to have to get dressed. Da Rev wears a shorty robe while blogging.
That old batshit crazy Senator McLame is such a cock-eyed optimist - predicting U.S. troops will be in Iraq for 100 years. He thinks there will still be an Iraq in 100 years? Or, for that matter - a U.S.?
Since Super Tuesday Barack Obama has raised two dollars for every one that Hillary Clinton has. Senator Obama got an e-mail pledge from a Nigerian prince.
Did you see where Microsoft has offered $44 billion for Yahoo! That includes $ 3billion for the exclamation point!Microsoft buying Yahoo is good news for all those computer users who think Yahoo could be improved by having it freeze-up three times a day… Thanx t' www.tomslake.com
Did you get the email about rat poop in the glue on envelopes - and on the top of every food or beverage can you open? How did I get to my mid-60s without that knowledge?
A Spider monkey and his baby are pictured at the National Zoo in Managua, Friday, Feb. 8, 2008.
[Photo by Esteban Felix]
TRIVIA ANSWER
Hannibal Hamlin was VP during Lincoln's first term (1861 – 1865) (Andrew Johnson was elected for Lincoln‘s second term and succeeded him after the president’s assassination in April, 1865.)
When in San Francisco, visit The Beats Museum. Or click HERE!
BOOMSHAKALAKALAKA! BOOMSHAKALAKALAKA! BOOMSHAKALAKALAK! BOOM! BOOM! YEAH!
Jake Novak's Humor Blog
McCain Solidifies Lead
From the Super Tuesday Republican primaries, we learned that McLame was most popular among Republicans concerned about terrorism, Romney grabbed the support of conservatives worried about higher taxes, and Huckabee won the battle for people who think they see the image of Jesus in their grilled cheese sandwich.
Comedian Argus Hamilton
Dick Cheney and John McLame spoke to the conservative conference in Washington Thursday. There was a lot of bad blood. John McLame had just said he wants to keep troops in Iraq for one hundred years and Dick Cheney took him to the woodshed for setting timetables.
John McLame aired new ads touting his national security platform. While others talk about the U.S. economy, he's running ads promising to continue the war. Nothing's scarier than a seventy-two-year-old man who's willing to die for his country.
The White House proposed a three-trillion-dollar federal budget to Congress on Tuesday. It doesn't take into account the cost of keeping U.S. troops in Iraq. Having Iraq as your ally is like having a brother-in-law with a gambling problem and no car.
Republican Party candidate Ron Paul got only five percent of the votes Tuesday for his message of less government, lower taxes, and following the Constitution. The American people have spoken. Five percent of the voters are for freedom, and ninety-five percent are for free stuff.
Iraq passed a law with U.S. approval letting Saddam Hussein's top officials back in power in Baghdad. It's a clever move. The thinking is, if we can put Iraq back the way it was, we can tiptoe out of there before anybody knows we've been there.
MORE Argus
Britney Spears was escorted from UCLA Hospital's psychiatric ward to the Beverly Hills Hotel Wednesday. It's so sad. The Writers Guild has so crippled Hollywood that the Beverly Hills Hotel is having to house mental patients to keep the doors open.
CLICK IT!Thanx t' www.tomslake.com
John Cougar Mellencamp asked John McLame to stop using his song Our Country at rallies. It asks the government to help the poor.
The Senator said, "I thought it was by somebody named Johnny Cougar!"
He's just using John Mellencamp's music until Toby Keith records a song promising to stay in Iraq for one hundred years.
Wesley Snipes was found guilty of three misdemeanor charges of failure to file three federal tax returns. However, he was found not guilty of felony charges of defrauding the government. It was really smart of him to hire Halliburton's lawyers.
MODEL JOANNA KRUPA IS SO HOTT!!
She’s so HOTT!! I have to splash cold 1% milk in my eyes after gazing upon her…
HUNKS FOR THE LADIES
WAYNE STROUD
A deep-sea diver is twenty feet below sea level when he sees another guy with no scuba gear. He goes down another thirty feet, and the guy with no equipment stays with him. He takes out a waterproof chalkboard and writes, "How the hell can you stay down this deep without equipment?"
The guy takes the chalkboard and writes, "You asshole, I'm drowning!"
OUR FAVE DJ "JACKIE JACK" FINNAN
Little Red Riding Hood was on her way to see her grandmother in the forest. Her mother warned her "Don't walk through the forest, take the path, or else the Big Bad Wolf will catch you and suck your tits dry!"
Little Red started towards her grandmother's house but decided to take the shortcut through the forest anyway. The turtle stopped Little Red and warned her "Turn back and use the path, because if the Big Bad Wolf finds you, he'll suck your tits dry!"
Little Red was almost there, so she kept going through the forest. Sure enough, the Big Bad Wolf jumps out of nowhere and tells her "Take off your shirt Little Red Riding Hood - I'm gonna suck your tits dry!!".
"Oh no you don't", yells Little Red, as she pulls up her skirt, "You're gonna eat me just like the story says!"
SWEEEEET!! STORMY DANIELS!
Two guys are drinking at a bar. The first says "Do you ever start thinking about something, and when you go to talk, you say something you don't mean?"
The Second guy says "Yeah, I was at the airport buying plane tickets, and the chick behind the counter had these huge tits, and instead of asking her for 'two tickets to Pittsburgh' I asked for 'two tickets to Titsburgh'
The First guy says, "Yeah, well I was having breakfast with my wife last week, and instead of saying 'Honey can you please pass me the sugar?', I said 'You've ruined my life you FUCKING BITCH'
A police officer was patrolling the highway when he sees a guy tied up to a tree, crying. The officer stops and approaches the guy. "What's going on here?", he asks.
The guy sobs, "I was driving and picked up a hitchhiker. He pulled a gun on me, robbed me, took all my money, my clothes, my car and then tied me up."
The cop studied the guy for a moment, and then pulled down his pants and whipped out his dick. "I guess this isn't your lucky day, pal!"
A hunter kills a deer and brings it home. He decides to clean and serve the venison for supper. He knows his kids are fussy eaters, and won't eat it if they know what it is - so he does not tell them. His little boy keeps asking him, "What's for supper?"
"You'll see", says his dad.
They start eating supper and his daughter keeps asking what they're eating. "Ok," says her dad, "here's a hint, its what your mother sometimes calls me."
"We're eating asshole!!" she screams.
Good fortune. COMMENT! Please spread the meme. Don’t smoke in bed…
