MINISTER OF RANTS

P.O.E.T.S. - 032908 || BARACK IN BLACK, REV. WRIGHT'S SO WRONG, ARETHA & DA REV SHARE A BIRTHDAY, FRUITY VODKAS & BEERS, W. VA. HITCH HIKER, PLASTIC LOVE DOLLS, JESUS - JEWISH OR IRISH? HUMOR, TRIVIA, PROGRESSIVE POLITICS & SKIN.

 

March 29, 2ôô8

NAVIGATING THE FRINGE STREAM
- LISTING A BIT TO THE LEFT...



OHHH! THE IGNOMINY! I hear this blog is the Number 1 download passed around Lucasville Prison in Ohio along with a weekly digest of Dear Abby columns…



Hillary Clinton told U.S. veterans Wednesday that a U.S. president mustn't commit troops without being prepared to go all the way. Many people don't know that she was a Republican before she went to college. Thirty-seven years ago the U.S. Marines turned down Hillary's application to enlist because we weren't that mad at the Viet Cong.

James Carville compared Bill Richardson to Judas Iscariot for endorsing Barack Obama instead of Hillary. Governor Richardson made the decision to endorse on his way home from his Caribbean vacation. He asked the pilot to tell him which way the wind was blowing.


Barack Obama denied ever hearing his Chicago pastor denounce America Wednesday when he spoke to a North Carolina crowd. They came to hear his standard campaign speech. There is never a dry eye in the house when Bambi's mother dies at the end.

Last week presidential candidate Barack Obama delivered a major speech on race and politics. Hillary Clinton responded with a major speech reminding all Americans that she is certainly not at all disturbed by Obama's race, anti-American black nationalist pastor, or kinky hair.

OBAMA'S SPEECH WAS THE FINEST - BUT IT STILL FELL SHORT...


Islam is #1

The Vatican newspaper says Islam has now surpassed Roman Catholicism as the world's largest religion. But just to be sure, the world's Muslims are planning to kill a few more Catholics than usual this week.


“First, all religions are money-grubbing crutches that are used by the weak and the stupid to feel safe from the Devil that doesn't even exist. The purpose of church is to steal money from the sick, the old, the dying and mostly, the stupid… Holy Mother of Koresh, who could fall for that horseshit con game except the extremely stupid?

I don't know if the Trinity United Church of Christ is any better or worse than other churches - who gives a fuck? The machine that could measure how little I care about religion has yet to be invented. The best thing I can say about Wright or preachers or pastors is that they're raping fewer little boys than those wacky Catholics. Probably." http://www.BartCop.com


Church of Christ members reminded the media that Barack Obama's pastor represents the far more liberal United Church of Christ. The Church of Christ is evangelical and conservative. They define marriage as a union between two Republicans.


Barack Obama's pastor Jeremiah Wright was videotaped preaching that the U.S. invented AIDS to kill black people, targeted black neighborhoods with crack cocaine, and deserved the 9/11 attacks. Then he urged his congregation to sing God Damn America. The more his sermons become public, the more trouble he gets in. When he called for the return of Czechoslovakia and parts of France and Poland, though, it smacked of plagiarism.





Karl Malden (96) (born Mladen George Sekulovich) is an Emmy Award-winning, Oscar-winning and Golden Globe-nominated American actor of Serbian (Herzegovina) origin, known for his expansive manner. Wikipedia


Aretha Louise Franklin (born March 25, 1942) is an American singer, songwriter, and pianist. Wikipedia


"ART WILD" c. 1970

Rev. Art - Minister of Rants (was also born March 25, 1942). THE BIO-CRAP: He’s burned hair off hogs with a torch on the Kill Floor in a slaughter house, sung in saloons, sold pipes, roach clips, bongs, incense and body oils, and broadcast on the radio. He’s a published word-slinger. He is currently living his lifelong dream - as a retired eccentric. He's a Recovered Catholic. He blogs.


Elle MacPherson (44) - Super Model-Actress

Richard Widmark (93) actor who made his film debut as the giggling psychopathic killer Tommy Udo, who delighted in pushing an old lady in a wheelchair (Mildred Dunnock) down a flight of stairs to her death, in Kiss of Death (1947), for which he earned his only Oscar nomination. A former radio and stage actor, Widmark later became a leading man in Broken Lance, Two Rode Together, and 40 other films. Life In Legacy
 

Ivan Dixon (76) actor, director, and producer best known for his role as US Staff Sgt. James Kinchloe on the TV series Hogan's Heroes. Life In Legacy








"I am thrilled to be honored by the Screen Actors Guild because I've been with it for such a long time. The Screen Actors Guild is sort of a highfalutin’ name for a union, and this union was always wonderful to work for. For the rank-and-file of the union to honor me is the best compliment I can receive." [Actor, Karl Malden]

“I just rode up the elevator with Barney Frank. And I told him that I've never met a real queer before. I hope I didn't catch AIDS."
[Sub-cretin Wing-Nut Senator Jim Inhofe, celebrating his ignorance]

"We must see through the secessionist forces' evil intentions, uphold the banner of maintaining social stability ... and resolutely crush the 'Tibet independence' forces' conspiracy..." [The People's Daily, in an editorial]

"I would eat this up like cake."
[GOP hatchetman Rick Wilson, who did the 2002 Cleland-Osama morph ads talking about what the GOP will do with Obama-Wright connection]


"It’s harder for people to say it’s taken out of context because these are Wright’s own words. You let people draw their own conclusions. You don’t have to say that he’s unpatriotic; you don’t question his patriotism. Because I guaran-damn-tee you that, with that footage, you don’t have to."
[Chris LaCivita, GOP hatchetman who helped craft the Swift Boat commercials against Kerry]


'To equate what I said with what this racist bigot has said from the pulpit is unbelievable. (Obama) gave a very good speech on race relations, but he did not address the fact that (Rev. Wright) is up there spewing hatred.'" [Gerry Ferraro, on Obama’s linking her words to his preacher‘s inflammatory rhetoric]


"Obama has an ability to help us bridge the divide in religious extremism, to maybe even give power to moderate Islam."
[John Kerry, brilliant campaign strategist, adviser to Obama Campaign]

(Click on any image to ENLARGE it)


I’m Rev. Art.

I hope I’m an atypical white person…

I can raise and lower my cholesterol at will.


Welcome to our crib in Metro Fairborn and THE STAND-UP! - Its like "My Mother the Car" - except my mother was not a car.


We are very pleased to share with you an exceptional original music from the band “Acid Bottle” right after this important message:

PLEASE - join Da Rev & Da Pagan Baby in contributing to an all out effort to eradicate a horrific malady brought to our attention by Royal Dano. I hope we can count on a check from everyone here this weekend for $500. or more for continuing research into “Rose Lunacy”…


GOD DAMN AMERICA! Is that in the Bible?!

CAN YOU GUYS USE SOME LEFTOVER OESTRE CRAP?


I grew up in the ‘50s. My Easter eggs only came in black and white.


Boy, it keeps raining in the same places in the Midwest. A state of emergency has been declared in Missouri because of massive flooding. Intrepid “Show-Me” Staters remain optimistic, saying, “At least we’re not Bear Stearns!”


Why do blow-up love dolls always look surprised? What did they THINK was going to happen? It’s not like we were going to take them “bye-bye”. We don’t even have commuter lanes in Dayton…


I think they’d make dandy floats in a holiday parade - if we can get Charlie to bring a tank of helium instead of nitrous oxide next week…


For your consideration: If you erase the tapes before charges are filed - they are NOT evidence - am I correct?


I read that Russia has 2.5 million registered alcoholics. They have to register? Oh crap, just wait - it’s coming here. That will be the next nanny legislation to pass!


They say, “You can catch more flies with honey.”

Who wants more flies? Thanx t’ tomslake.com


Did you see - Brad Pitt and Barack Obama are distant cousins. And Hillary’s related to Angelina Jolie. How about that? And George W. Bush is related to Carrot Top…


I don't get these flavored vodkas. I also don't get beer with added flavoring of strawberries or some other fruit. Maple or vanilla coffee? These are unnatural. When you drink this stuff you're not supposed to say "That was sweet - I'll have another one."
You’re supposed t’ say, "Oh hell yeah! Hit me again."

Or - as Phil Hartman would say - “SASSY!”


Jerry showed up at one of our parties. He brought a bunch of strawberry beer he had "discovered" at a microbrewery for everyone to try. Long story short, we laughed, he didn't. And the strawberry beer still gets brought up every time he says he has a good idea.

And Bob brewed raspberry beer once. A batch exploded in process and left a huge pink stain on his ceiling. Every time he says he has a good idea, we all stare at the ceiling.


"THE LAST BREAKFAST!"

As a young jerk… uh, Turk - I spent some time with carnival folk, or carnies. I even worked the booth where you try to knock down bottles with a ball. Three balls for a dollar… I must say it was a social experiment gone horribly awry. Try again?


TRIVIA QUESTION

Humphrey Bogart was involved in a serious automobile accident late in the production of Beat the Devil (1953). Several of his teeth were knocked out in the accident, hindering his ability to speak clearly. Director John Huston hired a young British actor noted for his mimicry skills to re-record some of Bogart's dialog during post-production looping.

A: Peter Cooke
B: Dudley Moore
C: Spike Mulligan
D: Peter Sellers
E: Terry Thomas
TRIVIA ANSWER at the end of The Stand-Up!


There's a report the hooker in the Spitzer case wants to work in
the music industry. Kind of makes me wonder -- why would she give
up her profession to work in something as sleazy, sordid, and degrading as the music industry...? Thanx t’ tomslake.com


I see Marty is here. Marty swears he’s cursed. I tried to talk him out of it, but he insists. He says it happened one time when he’d had a few and he was drivin’ along the Blue Ridge highway in West Virginia and saw a hitchhiker with long hair and a beard. Marty pulled to the side and stopped - only to speed away laughing as the poor schlub approached his car. Now Marty’s afraid the guy was Jesus and he figures he’s in deep sploot for all eternity.


This is a handout photograph from Friday, March 28, 2008, distributed by the Denver Zoo that shows one of the golden lion tamarins twins, top, clinging to the back of its mother, Rosie, at the zoo. The endangered golden lion tamarins were born on Monday, March 10, 2008, and are named Alex and Annie. Golden lion tamarins are native to the coastal forests of Brazil and are classified as endangered since there are only an estimated 1,000 individuals remaining in the wild. [Photo by Dave Parsons]


TRIVIA ANSWER
Humphrey Bogart was involved in a serious automobile accident late in the production of Beat the Devil (1953). Several of his teeth were knocked out in the accident, hindering his ability to speak clearly. Director John Huston hired a young British actor noted for his mimicry skills to re-record some of Bogart's dialog during post-production looping.

A: Peter Cooke
B: Dudley Moore
C: Spike Mulligan
D: PETER SELLERS
E: Terry Thomas

CLICK: An Empirical Study of Aluminum Foil Helmets





Jake Novak's Humor Blog
Iraq War Cost
A new study shows that the war in Iraq will wind up costing the United States more than three trillion dollars. But President Bush is quick to point out that, thanks to the collapsing U.S. economy, three trillion dollars is really only two trillion euros.

Road Blocks Removed
Under pressure from the U.S., Israel is promising to remove 50 roadblocks from the West Bank. But Palestinian leaders won't be satisfied until the Israelis give the terrorists an E-Z Pass lane.


BBC Apology
The BBC is apologizing for major inaccuracies in two recent about Israel. But to save time from now own, the BBC will only apologize when it airs reports with accuracies about Israel.


Mayor Charged
Detroit Mayor Kwame Kilpatrick has been indicted on felony charges... which is too bad, since he was the last person in Detroit who still had a job.


Comedian Argus Hamilton
John McCain stated this week his involvement in the Keating Five savings and loan scandal sixteen years ago was a formative experience for him like his experience as a POW in North Vietnam. The two aren't alike at all. In the Keating Five scandal he was robbing little old ladies, while in North Vietnam he was bombing little old ladies.

MORE Argus
Fred Thompson signed with the William Morris talent agency Monday to resume his acting career. Good luck to him. Osama bin Laden signed with William Morris the day after September 11th and except for a few non-union videos, no one has seen him since.

Hustler magazine publisher Larry Flynt offered one million dollars to Eliot Spitzer's call girl for a nude photo spread. He promised it would be done tastefully. He always uses special lighting to cast moody shadows on the uterine wall.





KEIRA KNIGHTLEY IS SO HOTT!!! - she's as ravishing as I am rabid...


HUNKS FOR THE LADIES

MICHELANGELO'S DAVID - FIRST DRAFT...

Was Jesus Jewish or Irish?
(IF THERE WERE A GOD I THINK HE’D ENJOY A GOOD LAUGH…)

There were 3 good arguments that Jesus was Black:
1. He called everyone brother.
2. He liked Gospel.
3. He couldn't get a fair trial.

But then there were 3 equally good arguments that Jesus was Jewish:
1. He went into His Father's business.
2. He lived at home until he was 33.
3. He was sure his Mother was a virgin and his Mother was sure He was God.



DJ / FITNESS MAVEN JACKIE JACK - We love t' watch her strut!

Was Jesus Jewish or Irish?
But then there were 3 equally good arguments that Jesus was Italian:
1. He talked with His hands.
2. He had wine with His meals.
3. He used olive oil.

But then there were 3 equally good arguments that Jesus was a Californian:
1. He never cut His hair.
2 . He walked around barefoot all the time.
3. He started a new religion.


Was Jesus Jewish or Irish?
But then there were 3 equally good arguments that Jesus was an American Indian:
1. He was at peace with nature.
2. He ate a lot of fish.
3. He talked about the Great Spirit.

But then there were 3 equally good arguments that Jesus was Irish:
1. He never got married.
2. He was always telling stories.
3. He loved green pastures.


SHANA HIATT

But the most compelling evidence of all - 3 proofs that Jesus was a WOMAN:

1. He fed a crowd at a moment's notice when there was no food.
2. He kept trying to get a message across to a bunch of men who just didn't get it.
3. And even when He was dead, He had to get up because there was work to do.


TERA

Little Melissa comes home from first grade and tells her father that they learned about the history of Valentine's Day.  "Since Valentine's Day is for a Christian saint and we're Jewish," she asks, "Will God get mad at me for giving someone a valentine?" 

Melissa's father thinks a bit, then says "No, I don't think God would get mad. Who do you want to give a Valentine to?"

"Osama Bin Laden," she says.

"Why Osama Bin Laden," her father asks in shock.

"Well," she says, "I thought that if a little American Jewish girl could have enough love to give Osama a Valentine, he might start to think that maybe we're not all bad, and maybe start loving people a little bit. And if other kids saw what I did and sent Valentines to Osama, he'd love everyone a lot. And then he'd start going all over the place to tell everyone how much he loved them and how he didn't hate anyone anymore."

Her father's heart swells and he looks at his daughter with great pride. "Melissa, that's the most wonderful thing I've ever heard."

"I know," Melissa says, "and once that gets him out in the open, the Marines could shoot that motherfucker!"



'62 FURY

Good fortune. COMMENT! Please spread the meme. Don’t smoke in bed…

P.O.E.T.S. - 031708 || ERIN GO BRAGH! IRA, CELEBRATE ST. PADDY'S DAY! OBAMA'S RACIST PASTOR, DA LUV GUV, BLIND GUV, BAILING OUT THE BANKERS, ASHLEY ALEXANDRA DUPRE', SEN. JOHN McLAME - BONEHEAD, EMPEROR'S CLUB, HUMOR, TRIVIA, PROGRESSIVE POLITICS & SKIN.

 
March 17, 2ôô8

NAVIGATING THE FRINGE STREAM
- LISTING A BIT TO THE LEFT...

HAPPY ST. PADDY’S DAY! 

FAILTE! ERIN GO BRAGH!

 
"Tiocfaidh ár lá!" ("Our Day Will Come!)
[Irish Hunger striker Bobby Sands]

 

"Tá Gráin Agam Ar Thatcher Fós" (I Still Hate Thatcher)

Holiday Observance
In honor of St. Patrick’s Day, Chicago has dyed its river green… and Bear Stearns has dyed its balance sheet red.


New York holds its St. Patrick's Day Parade today with a million Irish marching along Fifth Avenue. It could be the merriest celebration in parade history. This year even people who don't drink get a prescription drug high from the drinking water.


Word to the wise: never get in line at the bank behind someone wearing a balaclava.



"When people say we don't want the 90's back, I say 'What didn't you like about the 90's? The peace or the prosperity?'"  [Hillary, campaigning in Pennsylvania ]

 
"Besides, the real softness of his campaign is not that Obama is a wimp. It’s that he has never explained how this new politics would actually produce bread-and-butter benefits to people in places like Youngstown and Altoona. If he can’t explain that, he’s going to lose at some point anyway.
[David Brooks, NYT]


"Hillary is thoroughly detestable and I have come to detest her thoroughly.
On my list, she would fall just behind Bush, Cheney, Rove, and Rumsfeld."
[A soldier in “The Healer's" army]
(I see this all the time. I DON’T see Hillary’s supporters going out of their way to spew hate for the opponent.)

 

REMINDER TO SENATOR OBAMA - CHURCH IS A CHOICE!

Senator Obama swore this week that in 20 years as a member of Rev. Wright's Trinity United Church of Christ - he NEVER heard any hateful rhetoric directed toward the United States in general and white Americans in particular. Boy - do I feel disconnected. All the while some of us have been expressing concern over the content of teaching to Muslim kids in madrassas across America - but I assumed black preachers were tryin' to preach like Martin Luther King. Assumed? Rev. Wright has made an ass outta u and me...

What does Senator Obama do on the holiday to commemorate Martin Luther King, Jr.?

DA REV PREDICTS: Prior to the North Carolina primary - John Edwards will endorse...

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Mark it down...

Vanessa Lynn Williams (45) is an American singer-songwriter and actress. Williams made history on September 17, 1983 when she became the first African American woman to be crowned Miss America. Williams' reign as Miss America came to an abrupt end when scandal led to her subsequent resignation of the title.

Williams rebounded by launching a career as an entertainer, receiving Grammy, Emmy, and Tony award recognition while perfecting her craft. She's a regular on Ugly Betty... Movies: Soul food, Eraser, Harley Davidson & The Marlboro Man, Dance With Me, My Brother, And Then Came Love.

Howard Metzenbaum (90) former US senator (D-Ohio), a self-made millionaire before he began a long career fighting big business in the Senate. During 18 years on Capitol Hill, until his retirement in 1995, Metzenbaum came to be known as "Senator No" and "Headline Howard" for his abilities to block legislation and get publicity for himself. He died near Fort Lauderdale, Florida on March 12, 2008.

Two of Da Rev’s statesman heroes: Barry Goldwater & Howard Metzenbaum.


Smartass Reporter: "Just so we don't have to go through this whole resignation thing again - have you ever patronized a prostitute?"

Lt. Governor Paterson thought for a minute, then: "Only the lobbyists."

BONE HEAD DEPT.
“Lt. Governor Paterson is blind AND he’s blind to common sense. I am referring to his wacky effort to push legal changes to hinder police use of firearms. In order to stop an armed criminal, he wanted officers to aim at the thug's arm or leg - in order to wound, instead of kill. If the officer disobeys, he could go to jail for manslaughter…” [Greg Gutfeld, on Red Eye]

BONE HEAD II


Q: "What about grants for sex education in the United States? Should they include instructions about using contraceptives? Or should it be Bush's policy, which is just abstinence?"
McCain: (Long pause) "Ahhh. I think I support the president's policy."

Q: "So no contraception, no counseling on contraception. Just abstinence. Do you think contraceptives help stop the spread of HIV?"
McCain: (Long pause) "You've stumped me."
[Senator McLame’s exchange with a reporter in Iowa in March 2007 - reported by the NYT]
(Do you really have to say such idiotic things to win the Republican nomination?)


BONEHEAD III
“Bush Envies Afghanistan Troops -
President Bush said he was envious of our troops in Afghanistan and would love to be there if he were only younger and not otherwise engaged being president... My immediate, cynical reaction was that this it is an easy thing to say, if not insulting to those enduring great hardship and danger. Certainly, it’s an impolitic thing to say, since it will immediately raise questions about his actions when he was young and free to go off to war. Some of the soldiers and Marines - and probably all of the civilians - likely had the same reaction.”
[James Joyner @ OUTSIDE THE BELTWAY conservative blog]

"The only function of economic forecasting is to make astrology look respectable."
[John Kenneth Galbraith]

(Click on any image to ENLARGE it)



I’m Rev. Art. Welcome to our crib in Metro Fairborn and THE STAND-UP! - Its like “Golden Girls”  - but without the Depends…


Remember--if you plan to leave this page and return again later - be sure to get your hand stamped.


We are very pleased to share with you an exceptional original music from the band “Acid Bottle” right after this important message:

PLEASE - join Da Rev & Da Pagan Baby in contributing to an all out effort to eradicate a horrific malady brought to our attention by Norro Wilson. I hope we can count on a check from everyone here this weekend for $500. or more for continuing research into “Dragon's Gray Rot”…


Jim told me that it really pisses him off when a woman sits near him and people think her ugly baby is his…

and it is!


Do you know what pisses me off? Waiters who recite the specials in a bored singsong voice as if they don't really care what I eat.

AND…


Prank phone calls like the guy who called me and said he was selling light bulbs for the blind. Ha-ha. Very funny - you sick fuck!


I’ve witnessed this - in 1973, in Kentucky, near Pineville. A man is speeding down a narrow mountain road, when a woman comes hurtling round the corner. He swerves to avoid her, but as she passes she leans out the window and screams 'PIG!'

Astonished, the man turns and yells back, 'BITCH!' as he reaches the bend and crashes into a pig.


In this photo provided by the San Francisco Zoo, a 9-day-old Sumatran tiger cub sits on a weigh scale during his first health exam, Saturday, March 15, 2008 at the zoo in San Francisco. The cub, weighing about four pounds, is one of three male cubs born at the San Francisco Zoo to Leanne, a 230-pound Sumatran tiger. This is the first litter for the 5-year-old mom and 10-year-old dad, named George.
[Photo by George Nikitin]

If  nature makes it available and they put it in a pill - I'll swallow it...

TRIVIA QUESTION
Who said "If two men think alike then one of them is not thinking?"

A: Ben Franklin
B: Leif Erikson
C: Malcolm Forbes
D: Andrew Jackson
E: Harry Truman

TRIVIA ANSWER at the end of The Stand-Up!

Hey baby, don't rub the lamp unless you're ready for the genie!


Garfield Minus Garfield


A newborn baby zebra, who is 3- day-old and yet to be named, stands with its mother Yoko at a zoo in Lima, Friday, March 14, 2008. The baby zebra, born on March 11, is the second zebra born in captivity in Peru.
[Photo by Martin Mejia]

WELFARE QUEENS OF WALL STREET!

TRIVIA ANSWER

Who said "If two men think alike then one of them is not thinking?"

A: Ben Franklin
B: Leif Erikson
C: Malcolm Forbes
D: Andrew Jackson
E: Harry Truman






Ashley Alexandra Dupre' - herself.
HEAR ASHLEY SING  HERE

Eliot Spitzer, the Governor of New York, has resigned after being named as a client of a prostitution ring called The Emperor‘s Club. Federal agents wire-tapped his conversations with the young hooker. “He said, “$5000 an hour!! CHEESES! Isn’t that pretty expensive?”
Then the hooker says, “Governor Spitzer, have you looked in the mirror lately?”

 
How To Tell If Your Husband Frequents Prostitutes:

He sends you flowers for no reason at all...

Jake Novak's Humor Blog
Spitzer had wanted to delay his resignation so he could try to keep his law license... which he'll need because no one is going to represent him in the divorce case.

Spitzer had been a super delegate pledged to Hillary Clinton... if she had known he was going to behave this way, she would have just married him.


Spitzer was reluctant to admit he used the escort service until he was able to resolve some disputed charges on his credit card.


Spitzer reportedly never wanted to use a condom with the prostitutes, citing "executive privilege."


The news media is camped out in front of Spitzer's 5th Avenue apartment building. Spitzer has not left the building yet, but his best suits and electronic equipment have been thrown in a heap directly below his bedroom window.


Spitzer says he will make another public statement only after he "regains the trust of his wife"... so when he does speak, it will be with a much higher-pitched voice.


Comedian Argus Hamilton

New York Governor Eliot Spitzer resigned Wednesday after it was learned he had spent eighty thousand dollars on hookers. His career is far from over. He woke up the next day to find himself leading all the polls to be the next president of France.

Eliot Spitzer made large cash transfers to a hooker in February, which triggered his wiretap. The feds have their hands full now. Arnold Schwarzenegger triggers the same wiretap every time he withdraws four thousand dollars to fill up his Hummer.


New York's former mayor Ed Koch said he thought Governor Spitzer appeared to be working under a lot of strain lately. The governor's friends were urging him to seek professional help. They should have been more specific about which profession.


www.tomslake.com
The new governor of New York will be David Paterson. He's blind. Somebody asked Governor Paterson if he plans to pardon Eliot Spitzer. He said - "I can't see that happening"...


MORE Jake
Now that David Paterson is about to become the new governor of New York, a lot of changes are on the way. Top aides to Eliot Spitzer are getting new jobs, state legislators are changing their budget requests, and the Emperor's Club handing is out business cards typed in braille.

Maybe since the new governor is blind he patronizes cheaper hookers…

New York swore in new governor David Paterson in Albany today. He has no shortage of help. There was a huge rush of job applicants last week after they read in the papers that serving under the governor paid five thousand dollars an hour.


The House went into secret session Thursday to hear evidence on the president's secret wiretapping program. There was a lot of pressure. President Bush wants to keep authorizing wiretaps until every call girl in America has a recording contract and a music video.


The dollar continues to hit new lows against the euro in currency trading. It's getting so bad, Emperor's Club members are now being asked to pay in oil or gold.


New York's Mercantile Exchange saw oil reach a new high of a hundred ten dollars a barrel Thursday. It caused gasoline to hit four dollars a gallon on each coast. If gas gets any more expensive we're going to have to book our fill-ups through a pimp.


The Federal Reserve is lending $200 billion to banks all over the world in an effort to stabilize stock markets, ease the mortgage crisis, and give bank CEOs a chance to pay off their outstanding bills at the Emperors Club.

Federal Reserve Chairman Ben Bernanke downplayed the threat of a recession and rising inflation rates. He told congressmen that the American economy is back on its feet. If that’s true it just means that people are walking to save gas.


President Bush told religious broadcasters last week he sent U.S. troops to Iraq to liberate the people from slavery. So now it's slavery. There were no ties to al-Qaeda and there were no WMDs so now we invaded Iraq to integrate the schools in Mississippi.

Israeli Construction
Despite strong European objections, Israel will continue to build Jewish settlements in East Jerusalem. Also despite strong European objections, Jewish people are still alive.


MORE Argus
Geraldine Ferraro caused a storm by claiming Barack Obama got to where he is today because he's black. Anyone who criticizes Barack is a racist and anyone who criticizes Hillary is a sexist. John Edwards says that in order to get these poisonous politics of race and gender out of the Democratic Party they are going to have to nominate a white guy.

Barack Obama said he's ahead in the popular vote and he thinks he will win the presidential nomination. So, he hasn't heard. Not only has Al Gore not made an endorsement, he hasn't given Barack the bad news about winning the popular vote.


Admiral William Fallon stepped down as head of Centcom, which oversees military operations in the Middle East. Everyone agreed he was a restrained and rational and independent military commander of unquestioned integrity. So he had to go.


President Bush said he will send Dick Cheney to Saudi Arabia to discuss the price of oil. Why send him? With oil at one hundred eight dollars a barrel, we should sent Eliot Spitzer because he's the leading expert on this kind of transaction.

President Bush addressed the Economic Club of New York on Friday. He stayed on message. He conceded people are being thrown out of their homes, markets are in turmoil and oil is at an all-time high, but he insisted history will vindicate him.


Rash Limbo was credited with helping Hillary Clinton win the Texas primary. He doesn't want to lose sixteen years of tested Hillary jokes. He's well aware if he tells one joke on Barack Obama he will follow Don Imus to satellite radio.

John McCain said he is going to have to work hard to get press coverage with everyone watching the Democrats. If he doesn't stay in the news he won't win the election. For the GOOD OF THE COUNTRY, he may be forced to date that lobbyist again.

 


MORE Argus
Ashley Dupre's recorded pop song was downloaded four million times after she met Eliot Spitzer at the Mayflower. She's on her way to a big recording career. Paris Hilton can't believe she owns a hundred thousand hotel rooms and never thought of this.


Los Angeles drinking water was discovered to contain pharmaceutical drugs this week. There are female sex hormones in the tap water. Jack Nicholson became the last surviving leading man of his generation because for forty years he drank nothing but Scotch.


The Vatican published a new list of behavior considered sinful by the Catholic Church. The list includes pollution and genetic experiments and taking mind-damaging drugs. It looks like everyone drinking tap water in America is going to hell.


The London Sun reported that a new security camera can see right through clothes and detect weapons and drugs. What a lifesaver. When a guy hits on a woman at a bar he can see if she is wearing a padded bra and she can see if he really has cocaine.


*Actual quote*

KATE BECKINSDALE
IS SO HOTT!!! - she should be buying carbon offsets.

HUNKS FOR THE LADIES


Murphy approached Mulligan's bar. On the step outside he was accosted by a nun, Sister Marie, who said:

'Surely a fine man like yourself is not going into this den of iniquity? Surely you're not going to waste your hard-earned cash on the devil's brew. Why don't you go home and feed and clothe your wife and children?'

'Hang on, Sister,' spluttered Murphy. 'How can you condemn alcohol out of hand? Surely it's wrong to form such a rash judgement when you've never tasted the stuff?'

'Very well,' said Sister Marie. Till taste it just to prove my point. Obviously I can't go into the pub, so why don't you bring me some gin. Oh, and just to camouflage my intent, maybe you should bring it in a cup not a glass!'

'OK,' said Murphy and into the bar he breezed.

'I'll have a large gin,' he said to the barman. 'And can you put it in a cup?'

'My God,' said the barman, 'that nun's not outside again is she?'


A wee Belfast boy came home from school in tears.
'What's the matter, son?' asked his mum.
'We were doing sums today, Mum,' he said.
'And were they too hard?'
'Well, the teacher said either I couldn't count, or I was stupid, or all three.'




A Belfast man was ashamed of his accent, and decided to go to elocution lessons in London.

Three years later he was speaking perfect BBC English, and he decided to return home and celebrate with a drink.

He caught the Shuttle to Belfast, got a taxi into the city and walked into the first establishment he came to.

'I say, old chap,' he said to the proprietor, 'perhaps you could furnish me with a large gin and tonic and one of your finest Havana cigars.'

'You're from around these parts, aren't you?' said the proprietor.

'Good grief,' said the stunned Belfast man. 'How did you know that?'

'Well, you see,' said the proprietor, 'this is a butcher's shop.'


An Irishman, Englishman and Scotsman were playing Russian roulette.

The Englishman used a gun with six chambers and no bullets;

The Scotsman used a gun with six chambers and one bullet;

The Irishman used a gun with six chambers and six bullets - but he put the gun to the Englishman's head.


Patrick O'Malley hoisted his beer and said: "Here's to spending the rest of me life between the legs of me wife!" - and he took home the top prize for the best toast of the night.

In bed later that night, he told his wife: "Mary, I won the prize for the best toast of the night." She said, "Aye, Paddy, what was your toast?"

So he told her: "Here's to spending the rest of me life sitting in church beside me wife."

"Oh," she said, "that is very nice, dear."

The next day, Mary ran into one of Paddy's drinking partners in the street. Mischievously, the man said: "Did you hear about your husband winning a prize in the pub the other night for a toast about you, Mary?"

She replied: "Aye - and I was a bit surprised. Till now, he's only been down there twice. Once he fell asleep, and the other time I had to pull him by the ears to make him come".


A horse and a chicken are playing in a meadow. Suddenly the horse falls into a mud hole and starts sinking. He tells the chicken to go and get the farmer to help pull him out to safety. The chicken runs to the farmer, but the farmer can't be found.
So he drives the farmer's Mercedes back to the hole and ties some rope around the bumper. He then throws the other end of the rope to his friend and drives forward saving the horse from sinking.

A few days later, the chicken and horse are playing in the meadow again, and the chicken falls into a mud hole. The chicken tells the horse to go and get some help from the farmer.
The horse says: "I think I can get you out."
So he stretches over the width of the hole and says: "Grab hold of my cock and pull yourself up."

The chicken does this and is pulled to safety. Moral of the story: If you are hung like a horse, you don't need a Mercedes to pick up chicks.

SARAH MICHELLE GELLAR

Good fortune. COMMENT! Please spread the meme. Don’t smoke in bed…

P.O.E.T.S. - 030808 || EINSTEIN'S OTHER THEORY, P. I. PELICANO CASE, SAUDI WEBCAM STRIPPERS, HILLARY'S ON TOP, ATHEIST'S CREED, NERDS IN MOURNING, IRISH ATHEISTS, BUSH ENDORSES SEN. McLAME, OBAMANIA SUBSIDING? TRIVIA, HUMOR, PROGRESSIVE POLITCS, SKIN...

NAVIGATING THE FRINGE STREAM
- LISTING A BIT TO THE LEFT...




March 8, 2ôô8

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"The Clinton campaign got rough and nasty over the last week-plus. And they got results. That may disgust you or it may inspire you with confidence in Hillary's abilities as a fighter. But wherever you come down on that question - that that's how campaign's work. Opponents get nasty. And what we've seen over the last week is nothing compared to what Obama would face this fall if he hangs on and wins the nomination." [Josh Marshall]

“Yesterday in Ohio, my wife and I changed our registration from Republican to Democrat. We did that for the sole purpose of voting for the most qualified person running for President and that would be Senator Clinton of New York.” [Dude Named Joe in Ohio]



Hillary Clinton has scored a surprising comeback with wins in the Ohio and Texas primaries. Experts say Barack Obama made a classic rookie error when he forgot to drive the wooden stake into Mrs. Clinton’s heart when he had the chance.



Hillary Clinton said Wednesday she could share a ticket with Barack Obama. The problem is with stereotypes. He refuses to be her driver and she refuses to be his secretary and Michelle Obama refuses to sit in the back seat with Bill Clinton.






AN ATHEIST’S CREED

I believe in time,
matter, and energy,
which make up the whole of the world.

I believe in reason, evidence and the human mind,
the only tools we have;
they are the product of natural forces
in a majestic but impersonal universe,
grander and richer than we can imagine,
a source of endless opportunities for discovery.

I believe in the power of doubt;
I do not seek out reassurances,
but embrace the question,
and strive to challenge my own beliefs.

I accept human mortality.

We have but one life,
brief and full of struggle,
leavened with love and community,
learning and exploration,
beauty and the creation of
new life, new art, and new ideas.

I rejoice in this life that I have,
and in the grandeur of a world that preceded me,
and an earth that will abide without me.
[PZ Myers @ Pharyngula]



Barack Obama told Ohio voters Sunday that he's tired of people questioning his religion and spreading rumors he's Muslim. He said every night he prays directly to Jesus Christ. In truth it's not so much a prayer as it is a support group for saviors.

The Dallas Morning News endorsed Mike Hucklebuck, praising his evangelical and moral certitude. It could backfire on the GOP. When the rapture occurs and the righteous are called to heaven, it could leave the Democrats with a permanent majority.

Cyd Charisse

(born Tula Ellice Finklea) (87) is an American dancer and actress. She was born in Amarillo, Texas, and reputedly, the name "Cyd" was a nickname taken from a sibling trying to say "Sis". Charisse has been married to singer Tony Martin since 1948, 60 years, something of an achievement for a Hollywood marriage. She was previously married to Nico Charisse from 1939 to 1947. She has two sons, Nico "Nicky" Charisse from her first marriage and Tony Martin Jr. from her second.

Charisse is now principally celebrated for her on-screen pairings with Fred Astaire and Gene Kelly. She first appeared with Astaire in a brief routine in Ziegfeld Follies (produced in 1944, released in 1946). Her next appearance with him was as lead female role in The Band Wagon (1953) where she danced with Astaire in the acclaimed "Dancing in the Dark" and "Girl Hunt Ballet" routines. In 1957, she rejoined Astaire in the film version of Silk Stockings, a musical remake of 1939's Ninotchka, with Charisse taking over Greta Garbo's famous role. Gene Kelly chose Charisse to partner him in the celebrated "Broadway Melody" ballet finale from Singin' in the Rain (1952), and she co-starred with Kelly in the 1954 Scottish-themed musical film Brigadoon. She again took the lead female role alongside Kelly in his penultimate MGM musical It's Always Fair Weather (1956). Wikipedia

Gary Gygax (69) co-creator in 1974 with Dave Arneson of the game Dungeons & Dragons, which helped to start the role-playing phenomenon. Using medieval characters and mythical creatures, the game known for its oddly shaped dice became a hit, particularly among teenage boys with vivid imaginations, and eventually was adapted into video games, books, and movies. Gygax had recently suffered an abdominal aneurysm. He died in Lake Geneva, Wisconsin on March 4, 2008. Life In Legacy




“We come to see but we never come to know.” [Kinky Friedman]

“I’ve heard the call. I believe God wants me to run for president.”
[George W. Bush September 2000]


“My conduct is in accordance with the will of the Almighty Creator.”
[Adolph Hitler, Mein Kampf, Vol. 1 Chapter 2]


“Firstly let me say that I have never found it a disadvantage to be a non-religious person living and working in Ireland over the past half century. That is more than can be said about the United States where atheists/non-believers are almost a persecuted minority. In Ireland I have always found the greatest tolerance…” [An Irish non-believer @ Irish Atheists]

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WELL, HOWDY!


I’m Rev. Art. Welcome to our crib in Metro Fairborn and THE STAND-UP! - Its like a Winter Wonderland - except with a lot of yellow snow…


We are very pleased to share with you an exceptional original music from the band “Sheboygan Sue and the Red Hot Mommas” right after this important message:

PLEASE - join Da Rev & Da Pagan Baby in contributing to an all out effort to eradicate a horrific malady brought to our attention by Stark the Narc. I hope we can count on a check from everyone here this weekend for $500. or more for continuing research into “Scarlet Pustules”…
I see Jennifer Lopez and her husband Marc Anthony named their twin babies Emme (after his Mum) and Max (after her ASS!)


By now you should know that Gary Coleman got married. Yeah, there was a sign at the reception - “You must be *this* tall to get on this bride."

That little life-like figure on top of the cake? It was actually the groom.

The minister said, "If there is anyone here who knows a reason why this couple... wait, wait, WAIT! One at a time, please!"


After Tuesday’s big comeback primary sweep for Hillary she’s saying she’s open to sharing the ticket with Barack Obama. Word, Barry - of course, she gets to be on top…


Meanwhile, John McCain’s aids broke in to tell him he had clinched the nomination - while he was watching a Matlock rerun.

Garfield Minus Garfield It's funnier without that obnoxious cat!

TRIVIA QUESTION

Who won the First Annual Kennedy Center Mark Twain Prize?

A: Woody Allen
B: Jack Benny
C: Johnny Carson
D: Bob Newhart
E: Richard Pryor

TRIVIA ANSWER appears at the end of The Standup!

COUGARS
E.J. Peiker, Nature Photographer





THE CELL PHONE OF THE MONTH!


A new law in Italy makes it illegal for men to touch their crotches in public. Have you been to Italy? Some Italian men touch their crotches about every 30 seconds. Sometimes it’s 60 seconds if they get distracted and pinch a woman's butt.

In related news: Michael Jackson has canceled his concert tour of Italy.
Thanx t’ www.tomslake.com



The Unicorn Museum challenges The Creation Museum! (Unicorns are mentioned in the King Jimmy!)


Google will provide free phone numbers and voicemail for every homeless person in San Francisco. That's very generous. Hey, maybe JiffyLube could spring for free shopping cart lube jobs for all the bag ladies? Thanx t’ www.tomslake.com

Citigroup is dealing with bigger and bigger losses by the day. Things are so bad - I used one of its ATM’s last night and instead of cash, it gave me its resume.

I tried to make a withdrawal at a Citibank ATM yesterday and instead of giving me cash, it asked me for a loan.


One of every 100 Americans is in prison. Everyone I ever knew who had been in prison was incarcerated for something he didn’t do - he didn’t RUN fast enough!



And HERE’s a VIDEO from MEMRI-tv about the phenomenon of young women stripping before webcams in private super-repressive Saudi Arabia...


TRIVIA ANSWER

Who won the First Annual Kennedy Center Mark Twain Prize?

A: Woody Allen
B: Jack Benny
C: Johnny Carson
D: Bob Newhart
E: RICHARD PRYOR

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In a special election, Bill Foster (Democrat) has been elected to the house of representatives from Illinois - to the ample seat vacated by former Speaker Denny Hastert. The new guy is a physicist!


Jake Novak's Humor Blog
Peace Talks Still Alive
Despite this week's mass murder by Hamas at a Jerusalem yeshiva, Israel is vowing to push ahead with peace talks, “so as not to punish moderate Palestinians.” And that’s really good news for all three of the world’s moderate Palestinians.


White House on Jobs
President Bush is expressing "serious concern" about the surprisingly weak jobs report released Friday morning. That's because he's going to be out of work in less than 10 months and he's still not qualified to do anything.



BBC Arabic
The BBC is launching an Arabic-language worldwide TV news channel. The biggest challenge will be trying to make this channel more anti-Israel than the English-language BBC.


Peace Talks Back On
Palestinian President Mahmoud Abbas says he will resume peace talks with Israel. He backed off a threat to boycott negotiations when he realized doing that might interfere with his monthly clothing allowance from the State Department.


The renewed violence is dashing the White House's hopes for peace talks... now the only other idea the Bush administration has is to give all the Israelis and Palestinians $600 tax rebate checks.


Europe's leaders are denouncing Israel's military action in response to dozens of deadly rocket attacks by Hamas. Europeans just can't help but miss those days when you could kill lots of Jews and they never said anything.


Comedian Argus Hamilton
President Bush said it would be a mistake for OPEC not to increase oil output. Americans were all ears. President Bush knows nothing about the world, the economy or the environment, but nobody questions his expertise in the area of mistakes.


Barack Obama's economic advisor secretly met with Canadian officials last week to assure them he won't change NAFTA as he promised in Ohio. It's no big deal. He was just doing what all politicians do, but his followers nearly choked on their Kool-Aid.


The U.S. Navy announced on Sunday an American military helicopter fired a guided missile and hit and killed an al-Qaeda leader in Baghdad. The target was from Saudi Arabia. King Abdullah was very upset until we explained that the terrorist was disguised as a woman who had just had lunch alone with a man who isn't a family member.






MORE Jake
Latin American Moves
Venezuela and Ecuador are massing troops at the Colombian border. It’s the biggest threat to the cocaine trade since Robert Downey Jr. went to jail.


MORE Argus
The Iditarod got underway in Alaska amid a drug scandal. Sled drivers blow marijuana in the dogs' faces to calm them down. Maybe now they'll stop blaming the vanishing wildlife there on the oil companies and start blaming it on the munchies.


Hollywood private eye Tony Pellicano went on trial Wednesday for illegally wiretapping male movie stars in divorce cases. The divorces were inevitable. These guys reside in Hollywood, where a fool and his money get to meet a lot of hot babes.

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SHANIA TWAIN IS SO HOTT!! If lasciviousness were a Dell battery - I'd overheat and explode in her lap.

HUNKS FOR THE LADIES


STING

A truck driver, hauling a tractor-trailer load of computers, stops for a beer. As he approaches the bar, he sees a big sign on the door that says, "COMPUTER NERDS NOT ALLOWED - ENTER AT YOUR OWN RISK!" He enters and sits down.

The bartender comes over to him, sniffs, and says that he smells kind of nerdy. He then asks him what he does for a living. The truck driver explains to him that he drives a truck, and the smell is just from the computers he is hauling. The bartender serves him a beer and says, "OK, truck drivers aren't nerds."

As he is sipping his beer, a skinny guy walks in wearing a pair of glasses with tape around the middle, a pocket protector with twelve kinds of pens and pencils, and a belt that is at least a foot too long. The bartender, without saying a word, pulls out a shotgun and blows the guy away. The truck driver asks him why he did that.

The bartender replied, "Don't worry. The computer nerds are in season because they are overpopulating Silicon Valley. You don't even need a license."

So the truck driver finishes his beer, gets back in his truck, and heads for the freeway. Suddenly, he veers to avoid an accident, and the load shifts. The back door breaks open and computers spill out all over the road. He jumps out and sees a crowd already forming, snatching up all of the computers. The scavengers are engineers, accountants, and programmers - computer geeks. Each of them wearing the nerdiest clothes he has ever seen.

He can't let them steal his whole load. So remembering what happened in the bar, he pulls out his gun and starts blasting away, killing several of them instantly. A highway patrol officer comes zooming up and jumps out of the car screaming at him to stop.

The truck driver said, "What's wrong? I thought computer nerds were in season."

"Well, sure," says the patrolman, "But you can't bait 'em!"

DJ JACKIE JACK FINNAN

Another of Einstein's Theories...

Few people remember that the Nobel Prize winner Albert married his cousin, Elsa Lowenthal, after his first marriage dissolved in 1919. At the time he stated that he was attracted to Elsa because she was so well-endowed.

He postulated that if you are attracted to women with large breasts, the attraction is even stronger if there is a DNA connection. This came to be know as - Einstein's Theory of 'Relative Titty'

A very good looking man walks into a singles bar, gets a drink and has a seat. During the course of the evening he tries to chat with every single woman who walks into the bar, with no luck. Suddenly a really ugly man, and I mean R-E-A-L-L-Y ugly man walks into the bar. He sits at the bar, and within seconds he is surrounded by women. Very soon he walks out of the bar with the two of the most beautiful women you ever saw. Disheartened by all this, the good looking man asks the barman, 'Excuse me, but that really ugly man just came in here and left with those two stunning women - what's his secret? He's as ugly as sin and I'm everything a girl could want but have not been able to connect all night - What's going on?' 'Well,' Said the Barman, 'I don't know how he does it, but he does the same thing every night. He walks in, orders a drink, and just sits there licking his eyebrows...'


There was a papa mole, a mamma mole, and a baby mole. They lived in a hole out in the country near a farmhouse. Papa mole poked his head out of the hole and said, "Mmmm, I smell sausage!" Mamma mole poked her head outside the hole and said, "Mmmm, I smell pancakes!" Baby mole tried to stick his head outside but couldn't because of the two bigger moles. Baby mole said, "The only thing I smell is molasses."


Once there were twin brothers by the name of Jones. John Jones was married, and Joe Jones was single. The single brother Joe was the proud owner of a dilapidated row boat. It happened that John Jone's wife died the same day that Joe's rowboat filled with water and sank.

A few days later, a kindly old lady met Joe and mistaken him for John said; "Oh Mr. Jones, I am sorry to hear of your great loss, you must feel terrible".

Joe smiled and said, "Well I am not a bit sorry, she was rather old from the start. Her bottom was all chewed up and she smelled of dead fish. Even the first time I got into her, she made water faster than anything I ever saw. She had a bad crack and a pretty big hole in her front, and that hole got bigger every time I used her. It got so I could barely handle her, but if anyone else used her she leaked like anything. The thing that finished her was four guys from the other side of town. They came down looking for a good time and asked if I could lend her to them. I warned them she wasn't so hot, but they could take a crack at her if they liked. Well, the result was the crazy fools tried to get inside her all at once and it was too much for her. She cracked right up the middle".

Before he could finish the old lady fainted!


LI'L KIM

A kindergarten teacher comes to class and says, "Today class I am going to give you a letter of the alphabet and I want you to give me a word that begins with that letter." She begins with the letter "A" and all the kids raise their hands. There is one kid in the back named Johnny that is real eager to answer the question, but the teacher knows that he is always vulgar and likes to use obscenities so she chooses on little Mary to answer. Mary stands and says, "A...Apple"
The teacher replies, "That's great, Mary, good job." So she moves on to the letter "B", and again Johnny is still eager to answer the question, but the teacher is sure that he will probably say "Bitch" or something like that so she calls on Todd. Todd says, "B...Baseball."
And the teacher replies, "Good Job, Todd."
So they start going through the alphabet and the class' attention dwindles, except for Johnny. The teacher comes to the letter "R" and no one, except for Johnny, is raising their hand so she is forced to call on him. "Okay Johnny, what starts with R?" she says.
"R...Rat" Johnny replies.
"Rat, ...that's it...rat?" the teacher questions with astonishment.
"Yeah," says Johnny, "Big-ass mother-fuckin' rat with a dick 12 inches long."

Cute 'n' Retro - It's a PT Cruiser bike by Schwinn...

Good fortune. COMMENT! Please spread the meme. Don’t smoke in bed…

P.O.E.T.S. - 030108 || HILLARY CAN STILL WIN - AGAINST OBAMA! McLAME ELIGIBLE TO RUN? WHAT'S IN A MIDDLE NAME? OPIATE OF THE MASSES? IF BUCKLEY WAS SO SMART... MOVIE ABOUT W, OUTING MORE GAY-BASHING GAY REPUGS, NEVER-SAY-NEVERLAND, HUMOR, TRIVIA, SKIN...

                         March 1, 2ôô8

NAVIGATING THE FRINGE STREAM
- LISTING A BIT TO THE LEFT...



Tuesday, March 4, is primary voting day in Ohio, Texass, Rhode Island and Vermont. Be sure to vote for the Clinton of your choice - but VOTE!

Hillary Clinton said she raised thirty-five million dollars in February. She's finally gotten the hang of Internet fundraising. It turns out the only three ways to make money on the Internet are pornography, gambling and promising free health care.

SOMEWHERE IN A RURAL OHIO COMMUNITY:

"Women have come so far as feminists, that they don’t feel obligated to vote for a candidate just because she’s a woman. Women today feel perfectly free to make whatever choice Oprah tells them to. Which raises the question, why are people abandoning Hillary for Obama? Some say that they’re put off by the fact that Hillary can’t control her husband, and that we would end up with co-presidents. ‘Cause that would be terrible, having two intelligent, qualified people working together to solve problems. Ugh."
[Tina Fey, SNL]

"Rush Limbaugh said that he doesn’t think America is ready to watch their president quote “turn into an old lady in front of them.” Really?
They didn’t seem to mind when Ronald Reagan did that."
[Tina Fey]

"Marx was wrong. Religion is not the opiate of the people. Opium suggests something soporific, numbing, dulling. Too often religion has been an aphrodisiac for horror, a Benzedrine for bestiality. At its best it has lifted spirits and raised spires. At its worst it has turned entire civilizations into cemeteries." [Philip Adams]



Rozonda Ocelean Thomas (r)(37) better known by herstage name Chilli, is an American R&B singer and actress. She was born to mother of Native American and African-American descent, and her father is of East Indian and Arab descent. In 1991 she joined the group TLC as lead singer with Tionne "T-Boz" Watkins (l) and Lisa "One Eye" Lopes (center). She was nicknamed "Chilli", thus the group’s name TLC. Through their four studio albums and numerous singles, TLC went on to sell over 45 million records worldwide and solidify themselves as one of the best selling girl groups of all-time. Their last album, 3D, was released in November 2002, seven months after the death of bandmate Lisa "Left Eye" Lopes. In 1995, and again in 2003, Chilli was voted one of People magazine's "50 Most Beautiful People".

Chilli Thomas met her father for the first time on the Sally Jessy Raphael television show in 1996 when DNA tests were being done to reunite children with their fathers.



William F. Buckley Jr.
(82) Ivy Leaguer and conservative editor, columnist, novelist, debater, TV talk show star of Firing Line, harpsichordist, trans-oceanic sailor, and even a good-natured loser in the 1965 New York mayor's race. Buckley worked at a dizzying pace, taking as little as 20 minutes to write a column for the conservative biweekly magazine he founded in 1955, the National Review. Yet on Firing Line or whatever TV discussion panel he graced, he relaxed, displaying his considerable vocabulary, arching his brows, licking his lips, and relishing the discomfort of his liberal opponents. In the '60s and '70s Buckley helped to revive American political conservatism and gave it intellectual legitimacy. He had been ill with diabetes and emphysema. He was found dead by his cook at his home in Stamford, Connecticut on February 27, 2008.


For a few years in the ‘60s Rev. Art subscribed to Lord Buckley’s National Review. I volunteered for the Goldwater campaign. Hillary was a “Goldwater Girl” in those days! She turned to the Democrats within a few years. By 1969 Nixon had also managed to radicalize Da Rev.

Buckley survived infancy (he didn't gag on the silver spoon)... His nemesis, Gore Vidal still lives! Buckley, who said he was right about more thngs than anyone he knew of, held and propagated notions of black racial inferiority in his mag...


Buddy Miles (60) drummer-singer who played with Jimi Hendrix in his short-lived group, Band of Gypsies, and the jazz-rock band Electric Flag. He was lead singer in the claymation commercials featuring the California Raisins in the '80s. Miles suffered from congestive heart failure and died in Austin, Texas on February 26, 2008.


Mike Smith (64) lead singer of the '60s British band the Dave Clark Five, whose hits included "Glad All Over," "Bits & Pieces," and "Because." The group, which broke up in the '70s, was one of the first British bands to find major success in the US after the Beatles. In 2003, Smith suffered a spinal cord injury that left him paralyzed from the waist down. He was looking forward to the group's induction into the Rock and Roll Hall of Fame on March 10 when he died of pneumonia near London, England on February 28, 2008.

A heterosexual man can't hang out all the time with his many gay friends at a local gay bar acting "very feminine" without somehow getting accused of gayness. And yet that is precisely the position gay Florida governor Charlie Crist confronts as one of the nation's most rumor-dogged opponents of gay marriage. Still - the pundits keep predicting he’ll be Walnuts McCain’s running mate. [Wonkette]

(Meanwhile, back in Tampa - Charlie's still The Talk of the Green Iguana…) ==>

"I can absolutely 1000000000% guarantee that Charlie Crist will not be running for VP..." [gay activist/journalist Mike Rogers]


It, of course, is the argumentum ad consequentiam, the Great Godwinization of the debate, the constant claim that Charles Darwin was the evil monster responsible for the Holocaust, all modern racism and oppression, anti-semitism, whites-only seating on buses, slavery, eugenics, abortion, man-on-pig sex, gun control, job discrimination, illegal aliens, feminism, the birth control pill, hedonism, Mexicans, atheism, hippies, and anything other than the average social mores of 1950s America, and therefore evolution is false. [http://scienceblogs.com/pharyngula/ ]

"If there is a god, why does he keep promoting his most stupid followers to school boards?
[http://scienceblogs.com/pharyngula/ ]

I want to say something about Barack Hussein Obama's name. It is a name to be proud of. It is an American name. It is a blessed name. It is a heroic name, as heroic and American in its own way as the name of General Omar Nelson Bradley or the name of Benjamin Franklin. And denigrating that name is a form of racial and religious bigotry of the most vile and debased sort. It is a prejudice against names deriving from Semitic languages!

...Barack Obama's middle name is in honor of his grandfather, Hussein, a SECULAR resident of Nairobi. Americans may think of Saddam Hussein when they hear the name, but that is like thinking of Stalin when you hear the name Joseph. There have been lots of Husseins in history, from the grandson of the Prophet Muhammad, a hero who touched the historian Gibbon, to King Hussein of Jordan, one of America's most steadfast allies in the 20th century. The author of the beloved American novel, "The Kite Runner", is Khaled Hosseini.

But in Obama's case, it is just a reference to his grandfather.
[Juan Cole]

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WELL HOWDY, REV’LERS!

I’m Rev. Art. Welcome to our crib in Metro Fairborn and THE STAND-UP! - Its like the musical CATS, but with less singing... and more licking myself clean.


We are very pleased to share with you some exceptional original rock music by the band “Sweet Sugar & The Canes” in just a few moments…


PLEASE - join Da Rev & Da Pagan Baby in contributing to an all out effort to eradicate a horrific malady brought to our attention by Sherman Ochs. I hope we can count on a check from everyone here this weekend for $500. or more for continuing research into “Viper's Inflammatory Flux”…


I wish I were an Oscar Meyer wiener, that is what I’d truly like to be.

‘Cuz if I were an Oscar Meyer Wiener, everyone would take a bite of me...


Ralph Nader is running for President - again. Is it just me - or does Ralph look like the high school science teacher whose experiments never work out the way they're supposed to?

Yesterday Ralph Nader spoke to a campaign rally where he worked the crowd into a frenzy. You had to be there, I guess. Three people were in a frenzy. Thanx t’ www.tomslake.com


There have been questions raised concerning Senator John McLame’s eligibility to run for the Office of President. Be assured that Senator McLame, who was born on a US military installation in the Panama Canal Zone is considered to be a Natural-Born Citizen of the US. The Panama Canal Zone was a US territory , as were the 13 original states at that time.

As for “Natural-Born” - I’m not sure - what is that? Non-Caesarian? No epidural?


Liberal Elitist Democrat Tony Sasso Has Won “Twenty Dollar” Bob Allen's Florida Seat in House District 32. It's an important election on all levels, but coincidentally, this is the seat from which ex-Republican state Rep. "Twenty Dollar" Bob Allen resigned last year, after he was found guilty of offering blowjobs for $20. to everyone in a public restroom. [Wonkette]

CLICK HERE:
Obama will Fix your Computer ...
What else will Obama do?


Has anyone asked - Who does Oprah think should be our Vice-President?


I can’t believe Patrick said that to that woman - “Can I buy you a drink, or do you just want the money? ” Needs work…

TRIVIA QUESTION

What movie did reviewer Rick Polito of the Marin Independent Journal describe as: "Transported to a surreal landscape, a young girl kills the first person she meets and then teams up with three strangers to kill again."

A: The Bad Seed

B: La Femme Nikita

C: Howard the Duck

D: Twin Peaks: Fire Walk With Me

E: The Wizard of Oz

The answer to the Trivia Question is at the end of The Stand-Up!


According to a Las Vegas newspaper, doormen at Vegas nightclubs can make four hundred thousand dollars a year in tips. Oh yeah? It sounds like a nice gig - but remember - you have to wear a dorky uniform.

If you work at one of the smaller clubs you'll have to work your ass off to pull down 200 thousand. Thanx t’ www.tomslake.com 


A 14-week-old unnamed female Amur Leopard looks on in her enclosure at Marwell Zoological Park in Winchester, England. Thursday, Feb. 28, 2008.

A leopard cub newly born into one of the most endangered species in the world finally got its first breath of fresh air after spending three months in its mother's den at a British zoo. The cub was bred from two Amur leopards, Ashca and Akin, as part of a European conservation program. Though there are around 200 Amur in captivity, a Wildlife Conservation Society census last April revealed there are less than 35 living in the wild.
[Photo by Gareth Fuller]


Here’s your VIDEO
The shocking story of a racist in the porn industry
Use Of 'N-Word' May End Porn Star's Career

 
TRIVIA ANSWER

What movie did Rick Polito of the Marin Independent Journal describe as: "Transported to a surreal landscape, a young girl kills the first person she meets and then teams up with three strangers to kill again."

A: The Bad Seed

B: La Femme Nikita

C: Howard the Duck

D: Twin Peaks: Fire Walk With Me

E: THE WIZARD OF OZ




Democrats Agree Not to Use "John Insane McCain"!

“WE DON’T NEED TO DRAW THE VOTERS A PICTURE — THE SENATOR’S COMMITMENT TO ANOTHER 100 YEARS IN IRAQ SPEAKS FOR ITSELF.”

Jake Novak's Humor Blog
Energy experts are trying to figure out why electricity was knocked out for millions of people from Orlando to Miami yesterday. It's the first bad thing in 49 years that's happened in South Florida that they can't blame on Fidel Castro.

Comedian Argus Hamilton
Michelle Obama accused Republicans Thursday of fear-mongering by repeating her husband's middle name, Hussein. What's happened to America? Before either Bush became president, King Hussein and Saddam Hussein were two of our best friends in the region.


Rabid race-baiting Cincinnati WLW radio host Bill Cunningham slammed John McCain for repudiating his onstage intro of the senator, during which he called Obama a terrorist-coddling hack politician from Chicago. It's crazy. The radio guy decided in anger to endorse Hillary Clinton, who is refusing his endorsement saying he's too soft on Barack Obama.


Mike Huckabee said his goal is a deadlocked GOP convention this summer even though John McCain has already virtually clinched the nomination. Hucklebuck's no good at mathematics. When he was in high school, Mike Huckabee refused to take geometry because he believes geometry is just Satan's way of getting children to draw his symbols.

Oliver Stone, an outspoken critic of the
Bush administration's invasion of Iraq,
supposedly wants to make a movie about Dubya. Here's the SHORT list of possible film titles:

President Evil
Dial W for War
Full Mental Jackoff
Mr. Ditz Goes to Washington
Pimped Fiction
This Is Wire Tap
Bushtar
The Empire Strikes Iraq
American Wankster
Disaster and Commander
Honey, I Shrunk the Constitution!
George of the Bungle
The Decider House Rules
and the Number 1 Title for the Upcoming Oliver Stone Movie About George W. Bush...
My Own Private I Dunno __Thanx t' TOP FIVE

MORE Jake
Neverland Auction

The Neverland Ranch could go up for auction in the coming days and could go for as much as $35 million. Whoever buys the property will need to spend an additional $10 million to remove all the life-sized posters of Macauley Culkin and Emmanuel Lewis.

CLICK TO ENLARGE!

MORE Argus
Michael Jackson reportedly got a loan Wednesday to avoid foreclosure on Neverland Ranch in Santa Barbara. It has outlived its usefulness. After all the publicity that the house has gotten, there's no way the neighbors still think it's a junior high.


Roger Clemens faces an investigation this week for lying to Congress about steroid use. It's really ugly. Testimony indicates he attended a party at Jose Canseco's house where Mrs. Canseco and Mrs. Clemens compared breast sizes, and their husbands won.


Roger Clemens faces a perjury probe today for denying steroid use to the House Oversight Committee. It seems a little harsh to charge him with lying to Congress. It's not like everybody believed him and invaded Iraq on the strength of what he said.


Snoop Dogg was ticketed in New York for pot possession last week. He was arrested three times for pot, once for cocaine and gun possession and he's been acquitted of murder. He is thirty-six years old, which is one hundred and eighty in hip-hop star years.


Great Britain's judicial office said Thursday the judgment in Paul McCartney's divorce case will be announced in two weeks. Everyone's watching. It could be the most expensive divorce in British history, if you don't count the American Revolution.

CHILLI THOMAS IS SO BEAUTIFUL!! If her beauty were a split-level machine shop - I'd grind my dirty tool in her basement.

HUNKS FOR THE LADIES

TRAVIS FIMMEL


A farmer hires a college student one summer to help around the farm. At the end of the summer the farmer says, "Son, since you have done such a fine job here this summer, I am going to throw a party for you."

The college guy says, "Right on, thanks a lot man."

So the farmer says, "Well you better be able to handle a few beers because there will be lotsa drinkin' going on."

College guy: "Hey, I can drink just as much as anyone else so I should do just fine."

Farmer: "There is also going to be a lot of fightin' so I hope you are ready."

College guy: "I have been working hard all summer and I think I am in pretty good shape."

Farmer says, "Well, did I mention that there will be lotsa sex?"

College guy: "Good. I have been out here all summer and I have been dying for some action. What should I wear to this party?"

Farmer says, "I don't care it's just going to be me and you."


Three creationists were sitting on the porch. The first said "My wife is so dumb, yesterday she drug home a brand new washer and dryer, and we ain't even got electricity!"

The second creationist said "My wife is stupider than yers, yesterday she brings home a new dishwasher, and we ain't even got runnin water!"

The third fundie said "My wife is even stupider! Yesterday I was in the kitchen and I saw her purse on the table. Everything was spilt out of it and there was a bunch of rubbers a-layin there... and she ain't even got a DICK!"


A guy walks into the bar and sees a gorgeous blonde sitting on a bar stool all alone. So the guy sits down next to her and pulls a small box from his pocket. He opens it and there's a frog inside. The blonde says, "He's cute, but does he do tricks?"

The guy says, "Yea, he licks pussy."

So after talking with her for several minutes, he convinces her to come with him to his apartment. They get there and she takes all of her clothes off, gets into the bed and spreads her legs. The guy sets the frog right between her legs and it just sits there not moving at all. The blond says, "Well? what's up?"

The frog still does not move. So the guy leans over to the frog and says, "All right, I'm only going to show you how to do this one more time!"


SELITA EUBANKS

A man is driving his eighteen wheeler down the road, when he sees a hitch hiker. So the trucker stops and picks up the man. While they are driving down the road, the trucker says "Hey man, you wanna see something pretty cool?"

The hitch hiker says sure. So the trucker has this monkey in the back, and he makes it come up with the men, and he smacks the monkey upside his head, and the monkey gives him a blow job. So after that, the trucker says "Hey man, do you want some of that?"

And the hitch hiker says "Sure, but please don’t smack me upside my head!"





Good fortune. COMMENT! !Please spread the meme. Don’t smoke in bed…