NAVIGATING THE FRINGE STREAM
- LISTING A BIT TO THE LEFT...
March 8, 2ôô8
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"The Clinton campaign got rough and nasty over the last week-plus. And they got results. That may disgust you or it may inspire you with confidence in Hillary's abilities as a fighter. But wherever you come down on that question - that that's how campaign's work. Opponents get nasty. And what we've seen over the last week is nothing compared to what Obama would face this fall if he hangs on and wins the nomination." [Josh Marshall]
“Yesterday in Ohio, my wife and I changed our registration from Republican to Democrat. We did that for the sole purpose of voting for the most qualified person running for President and that would be Senator Clinton of New York.” [Dude Named Joe in Ohio]
Hillary Clinton has scored a surprising comeback with wins in the Ohio and Texas primaries. Experts say Barack Obama made a classic rookie error when he forgot to drive the wooden stake into Mrs. Clinton’s heart when he had the chance. 
Hillary Clinton said Wednesday she could share a ticket with Barack Obama. The problem is with stereotypes. He refuses to be her driver and she refuses to be his secretary and Michelle Obama refuses to sit in the back seat with Bill Clinton.
AN ATHEIST’S CREED
I believe in time,
matter, and energy,
which make up the whole of the world.
I believe in reason, evidence and the human mind,
the only tools we have;
they are the product of natural forces
in a majestic but impersonal universe,
grander and richer than we can imagine,
a source of endless opportunities for discovery.
I believe in the power of doubt;
I do not seek out reassurances,
but embrace the question,
and strive to challenge my own beliefs.
I accept human mortality.
We have but one life,
brief and full of struggle,
leavened with love and community,
learning and exploration,
beauty and the creation of
new life, new art, and new ideas.
I rejoice in this life that I have,
and in the grandeur of a world that preceded me,
and an earth that will abide without me.
[PZ Myers @ Pharyngula] 
Barack Obama told Ohio voters Sunday that he's tired of people questioning his religion and spreading rumors he's Muslim. He said every night he prays directly to Jesus Christ. In truth it's not so much a prayer as it is a support group for saviors.
The Dallas Morning News endorsed Mike Hucklebuck, praising his evangelical and moral certitude. It could backfire on the GOP. When the rapture occurs and the righteous are called to heaven, it could leave the Democrats with a permanent majority. 
Cyd Charisse
Charisse is now principally celebrated for her on-screen pairings with Fred Astaire and Gene Kelly. She first appeared with Astaire in a brief routine in Ziegfeld Follies (produced in 1944, released in 1946). Her next appearance with him was as lead female role in The Band Wagon (1953) where she danced with Astaire in the acclaimed "Dancing in the Dark" and "Girl Hunt Ballet" routines. In 1957, she rejoined Astaire in the film version of Silk Stockings, a musical remake of 1939's Ninotchka, with Charisse taking over Greta Garbo's famous role. Gene Kelly chose Charisse to partner him in the celebrated "Broadway Melody" ballet finale from Singin' in the Rain (1952), and she co-starred with Kelly in the 1954 Scottish-themed musical film Brigadoon. She again took the lead female role alongside Kelly in his penultimate MGM musical It's Always Fair Weather (1956). Wikipedia
Gary Gygax (69) co-creator in 1974 with Dave Arneson of the game Dungeons & Dragons, which helped to start the role-playing phenomenon. Using medieval characters and mythical creatures, the game known for its oddly shaped dice became a hit, particularly among teenage boys with vivid imaginations, and eventually was adapted into video games, books, and movies. Gygax had recently suffered an abdominal aneurysm. He died in Lake Geneva, Wisconsin on March 4, 2008. Life In Legacy
“We come to see but we never come to know.” [Kinky Friedman]
“I’ve heard the call. I believe God wants me to run for president.”
[George W. Bush September 2000]
“My conduct is in accordance with the will of the Almighty Creator.”
[Adolph Hitler, Mein Kampf, Vol. 1 Chapter 2] 
“Firstly let me say that I have never found it a disadvantage to be a non-religious person living and working in Ireland over the past half century. That is more than can be said about the United States where atheists/non-believers are almost a persecuted minority. In Ireland I have always found the greatest tolerance…” [An Irish non-believer @ Irish Atheists]
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WELL, HOWDY!
I’m Rev. Art. Welcome to our crib in Metro Fairborn and THE STAND-UP! - Its like a Winter Wonderland - except with a lot of yellow snow…
We are very pleased to share with you an exceptional original music from the band “Sheboygan Sue and the Red Hot Mommas” right after this important message:
PLEASE - join Da Rev & Da Pagan Baby in contributing to an all out effort to eradicate a horrific malady brought to our attention by Stark the Narc. I hope we can count on a check from everyone here this weekend for $500. or more for continuing research into “Scarlet Pustules”…
I see Jennifer Lopez and her husband Marc Anthony named their twin babies Emme (after his Mum) and Max (after her ASS!) 
By now you should know that Gary Coleman got married. Yeah, there was a sign at the reception - “You must be *this* tall to get on this bride."
That little life-like figure on top of the cake? It was actually the groom.
The minister said, "If there is anyone here who knows a reason why this couple... wait, wait, WAIT! One at a time, please!"
After Tuesday’s big comeback primary sweep for Hillary she’s saying she’s open to sharing the ticket with Barack Obama. Word, Barry - of course, she gets to be on top…
Meanwhile, John McCain’s aids broke in to tell him he had clinched the nomination - while he was watching a Matlock rerun.
Garfield Minus Garfield It's funnier without that obnoxious cat!
TRIVIA QUESTION
Who won the First Annual Kennedy Center Mark Twain Prize?
A: Woody Allen
B: Jack Benny
C: Johnny Carson
D: Bob Newhart
E: Richard Pryor
TRIVIA ANSWER appears at the end of The Standup!
COUGARS 
E.J. Peiker, Nature Photographer 
THE CELL PHONE OF THE MONTH!
A new law in Italy makes it illegal for men to touch their crotches in public. Have you been to Italy? Some Italian men touch their crotches about every 30 seconds. Sometimes it’s 60 seconds if they get distracted and pinch a woman's butt.
In related news: Michael Jackson has canceled his concert tour of Italy.
Thanx t’ www.tomslake.com
The Unicorn Museum challenges The Creation Museum! (Unicorns are mentioned in the King Jimmy!) 
Google will provide free phone numbers and voicemail for every homeless person in San Francisco. That's very generous. Hey, maybe JiffyLube could spring for free shopping cart lube jobs for all the bag ladies? Thanx t’ www.tomslake.com
Citigroup is dealing with bigger and bigger losses by the day. Things are so bad - I used one of its ATM’s last night and instead of cash, it gave me its resume.
I tried to make a withdrawal at a Citibank ATM yesterday and instead of giving me cash, it asked me for a loan.
One of every 100 Americans is in prison. Everyone I ever knew who had been in prison was incarcerated for something he didn’t do - he didn’t RUN fast enough!
And HERE’s a VIDEO from MEMRI-tv about the phenomenon of young women stripping before webcams in private super-repressive Saudi Arabia... 
TRIVIA ANSWER
Who won the First Annual Kennedy Center Mark Twain Prize?
A: Woody Allen
B: Jack Benny
C: Johnny Carson
D: Bob Newhart
E: RICHARD PRYOR
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In a special election, Bill Foster (Democrat) has been elected to the house of representatives from Illinois - to the ample seat vacated by former Speaker Denny Hastert. The new guy is a physicist!
Jake Novak's Humor Blog
Peace Talks Still Alive
Despite this week's mass murder by Hamas at a Jerusalem yeshiva, Israel is vowing to push ahead with peace talks, “so as not to punish moderate Palestinians.” And that’s really good news for all three of the world’s moderate Palestinians.
White House on Jobs
President Bush is expressing "serious concern" about the surprisingly weak jobs report released Friday morning. That's because he's going to be out of work in less than 10 months and he's still not qualified to do anything.
BBC Arabic
The BBC is launching an Arabic-language worldwide TV news channel. The biggest challenge will be trying to make this channel more anti-Israel than the English-language BBC.
Peace Talks Back On
Palestinian President Mahmoud Abbas says he will resume peace talks with Israel. He backed off a threat to boycott negotiations when he realized doing that might interfere with his monthly clothing allowance from the State Department.
The renewed violence is dashing the White House's hopes for peace talks... now the only other idea the Bush administration has is to give all the Israelis and Palestinians $600 tax rebate checks. 
Europe's leaders are denouncing Israel's military action in response to dozens of deadly rocket attacks by Hamas. Europeans just can't help but miss those days when you could kill lots of Jews and they never said anything.
Comedian Argus Hamilton
President Bush said it would be a mistake for OPEC not to increase oil output. Americans were all ears. President Bush knows nothing about the world, the economy or the environment, but nobody questions his expertise in the area of mistakes. 
Barack Obama's economic advisor secretly met with Canadian officials last week to assure them he won't change NAFTA as he promised in Ohio. It's no big deal. He was just doing what all politicians do, but his followers nearly choked on their Kool-Aid. 
The U.S. Navy announced on Sunday an American military helicopter fired a guided missile and hit and killed an al-Qaeda leader in Baghdad. The target was from Saudi Arabia. King Abdullah was very upset until we explained that the terrorist was disguised as a woman who had just had lunch alone with a man who isn't a family member. 
MORE Jake
Latin American Moves
Venezuela and Ecuador are massing troops at the Colombian border. It’s the biggest threat to the cocaine trade since Robert Downey Jr. went to jail.
MORE Argus
The Iditarod got underway in Alaska amid a drug scandal. Sled drivers blow marijuana in the dogs' faces to calm them down. Maybe now they'll stop blaming the vanishing wildlife there on the oil companies and start blaming it on the munchies. 
Hollywood private eye Tony Pellicano went on trial Wednesday for illegally wiretapping male movie stars in divorce cases. The divorces were inevitable. These guys reside in Hollywood, where a fool and his money get to meet a lot of hot babes. 
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SHANIA TWAIN IS SO HOTT!! If lasciviousness were a Dell battery - I'd overheat and explode in her lap.
HUNKS FOR THE LADIES
STING
A truck driver, hauling a tractor-trailer load of computers, stops for a beer. As he approaches the bar, he sees a big sign on the door that says, "COMPUTER NERDS NOT ALLOWED - ENTER AT YOUR OWN RISK!" He enters and sits down.
The bartender comes over to him, sniffs, and says that he smells kind of nerdy. He then asks him what he does for a living. The truck driver explains to him that he drives a truck, and the smell is just from the computers he is hauling. The bartender serves him a beer and says, "OK, truck drivers aren't nerds."
As he is sipping his beer, a skinny guy walks in wearing a pair of glasses with tape around the middle, a pocket protector with twelve kinds of pens and pencils, and a belt that is at least a foot too long. The bartender, without saying a word, pulls out a shotgun and blows the guy away. The truck driver asks him why he did that.
The bartender replied, "Don't worry. The computer nerds are in season because they are overpopulating Silicon Valley. You don't even need a license."
So the truck driver finishes his beer, gets back in his truck, and heads for the freeway. Suddenly, he veers to avoid an accident, and the load shifts. The back door breaks open and computers spill out all over the road. He jumps out and sees a crowd already forming, snatching up all of the computers. The scavengers are engineers, accountants, and programmers - computer geeks. Each of them wearing the nerdiest clothes he has ever seen.
He can't let them steal his whole load. So remembering what happened in the bar, he pulls out his gun and starts blasting away, killing several of them instantly. A highway patrol officer comes zooming up and jumps out of the car screaming at him to stop.
The truck driver said, "What's wrong? I thought computer nerds were in season."
"Well, sure," says the patrolman, "But you can't bait 'em!"
DJ JACKIE JACK FINNAN
Another of Einstein's Theories...
Few people remember that the Nobel Prize winner Albert married his cousin, Elsa Lowenthal, after his first marriage dissolved in 1919. At the time he stated that he was attracted to Elsa because she was so well-endowed.
He postulated that if you are attracted to women with large breasts, the attraction is even stronger if there is a DNA connection. This came to be know as - Einstein's Theory of 'Relative Titty' 
A very good looking man walks into a singles bar, gets a drink and has a seat. During the course of the evening he tries to chat with every single woman who walks into the bar, with no luck. Suddenly a really ugly man, and I mean R-E-A-L-L-Y ugly man walks into the bar. He sits at the bar, and within seconds he is surrounded by women. Very soon he walks out of the bar with the two of the most beautiful women you ever saw. Disheartened by all this, the good looking man asks the barman, 'Excuse me, but that really ugly man just came in here and left with those two stunning women - what's his secret? He's as ugly as sin and I'm everything a girl could want but have not been able to connect all night - What's going on?' 'Well,' Said the Barman, 'I don't know how he does it, but he does the same thing every night. He walks in, orders a drink, and just sits there licking his eyebrows...'
There was a papa mole, a mamma mole, and a baby mole. They lived in a hole out in the country near a farmhouse. Papa mole poked his head out of the hole and said, "Mmmm, I smell sausage!" Mamma mole poked her head outside the hole and said, "Mmmm, I smell pancakes!" Baby mole tried to stick his head outside but couldn't because of the two bigger moles. Baby mole said, "The only thing I smell is molasses."
Once there were twin brothers by the name of Jones. John Jones was married, and Joe Jones was single. The single brother Joe was the proud owner of a dilapidated row boat. It happened that John Jone's wife died the same day that Joe's rowboat filled with water and sank.
A few days later, a kindly old lady met Joe and mistaken him for John said; "Oh Mr. Jones, I am sorry to hear of your great loss, you must feel terrible".
Joe smiled and said, "Well I am not a bit sorry, she was rather old from the start. Her bottom was all chewed up and she smelled of dead fish. Even the first time I got into her, she made water faster than anything I ever saw. She had a bad crack and a pretty big hole in her front, and that hole got bigger every time I used her. It got so I could barely handle her, but if anyone else used her she leaked like anything. The thing that finished her was four guys from the other side of town. They came down looking for a good time and asked if I could lend her to them. I warned them she wasn't so hot, but they could take a crack at her if they liked. Well, the result was the crazy fools tried to get inside her all at once and it was too much for her. She cracked right up the middle".
Before he could finish the old lady fainted!
LI'L KIM
A kindergarten teacher comes to class and says, "Today class I am going to give you a letter of the alphabet and I want you to give me a word that begins with that letter." She begins with the letter "A" and all the kids raise their hands. There is one kid in the back named Johnny that is real eager to answer the question, but the teacher knows that he is always vulgar and likes to use obscenities so she chooses on little Mary to answer. Mary stands and says, "A...Apple"
The teacher replies, "That's great, Mary, good job." So she moves on to the letter "B", and again Johnny is still eager to answer the question, but the teacher is sure that he will probably say "Bitch" or something like that so she calls on Todd. Todd says, "B...Baseball."
And the teacher replies, "Good Job, Todd."
So they start going through the alphabet and the class' attention dwindles, except for Johnny. The teacher comes to the letter "R" and no one, except for Johnny, is raising their hand so she is forced to call on him. "Okay Johnny, what starts with R?" she says.
"R...Rat" Johnny replies.
"Rat, ...that's it...rat?" the teacher questions with astonishment.
"Yeah," says Johnny, "Big-ass mother-fuckin' rat with a dick 12 inches long."
Cute 'n' Retro - It's a PT Cruiser bike by Schwinn...
Good fortune. COMMENT! Please spread the meme. Don’t smoke in bed…
