May 3, 2ôô8
NAVIGATING THE FRINGE STREAM
- LISTING A BIT TO THE LEFT...
“Minister Of Rants” - This blog is Number 1 in Paraguay! Uruguay still resists our efforts. Maybe it’s the time difference?
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Feliz Cinco de Mayo!
Cinco de Mayo commemorates an initial victory of Mexican forces over French forces in the Battle of Puebla on May 5, 1862. The date is observed in the United States and other locations around the world as a celebration of Mexican heritage and pride. (It is NOT Mexico's Independance Day.) The French later occupied Mexico City. French troops were finally expelled in 1867.
"Anyone who voted for either of us should be absolutely committed to voting for the other in the general election. I'm going to shout that from the mountaintops, no matter what the outcome, no matter what the differences are between Senator Obama and myself, they pale in comparison to the differences we have with Senator McCain and the Republicans." [Hillary]
Argus Hamilton says, “Barack Obama divorced himself from his pastor, Jeremiah Wright, on Tuesday. He said he was shocked to hear his divisive views. It proves that if you just sit in the pew and think about yourself for twenty years you never hear a word the preacher says.”
Also from Argus: “North Carolina Governor Mike Easley said Tuesday that Hillary makes Rocky look like a pansy, infuriating gays. On a day when blacks and women battled over who was more insulted, gays got insulted. It's taken four months for the party of Jefferson to become the front row of Rickles.” 
Egan Angry
New York's Cardinal Egan is bashing Rudy Giuliani for taking Communion during the Pope's visit. Giuliani is promising to make it up to Eagan by allowing him to perform his next three marriages.
This from Argus Hamilton: “Barack Obama's United Church of Christ pastor Jeremiah Wright gave a fiery and defiant speech at an NAACP dinner in Detroit. He said blacks have separate rhythms, separate tones, and use a different side of the brain than white people. The next day, Barack Obama sent a coded message to the Episcopal Church saying he was coming in from the cold.”
"All hurricanes are acts of God, because God controls the heavens. I believe that New Orleans had a level of sin that was offensive to God, and they were recipients of the judgment of God for that. There was to be a homosexual parade there on the Monday that the Katrina came. The Bible teaches that when you violate the law of God, that God brings punishment sometimes before the day of judgment. And I believe that the Hurricane Katrina was, in fact, the judgment of God against the city of New Orleans." [Anti-Catholic, anti-Semitic pastor and McCain supporter, John Hagee] Thanx t’ BartCop
Eric Hilliard "Ricky" Nelson, later known as Rick Nelson would be 68. He was a singer, musician, and Golden Globe-nominated actor. With more than 50 Hot 100 hits, Nelson was second only to Elvis Presley as the most popular rock and roll artist of the 1950s and 1960s. Wikipedia
Little-known ironic twist: The last song he sang on stage before his death was Buddy Holly's "Rave On". Holly had also perished in a plane crash…
ALBERT HOFMANN -
Swiss chemist who discovered LSD, the most powerful psychotropic substance known. Hofmann first synthesized lysergic acid diethylamide in 1938 but did not discover its psychopharmacological effects until April 19, 1943, when he accidentally ingested the substance later known as acid in the '60s counterculture. He died of a heart attack near Basel, Switzerland on April 29, 2008. Life In Legacy
Swiss chemist Albert Hofmann’s formulation is important because the hallucinogenic has had differing effects on Baby Boomers. Some took LSD and saw wild colors while others took the drug and saw weapons of mass destruction in Iraq.
What a long strange trip… indeed. The only other man who's made more Americans lose touch with reality is Rush Limbaugh.
“Nothing fails like prayer.” [Freedom From Religion Foundation President Emerita Anne Nicol Gaylor]
“President Bush has fucked everything up so much, he’s made it hard for a white man to become president!” [Comedian Chris Rock]
"Bush was all over TV this week. He was on 'Deal or No Deal.' Then he was on 'American Idol,' which was unexpected, because it's usually only in the early episodes where they have the retards." [Bill Maher]
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Well, howdy! I’m Rev. Art. Welcome to our crib in Metro Fairborn, Ohio and THE STAND-UP! - It’s like “Animal Planet” - but with more penetration!
We are very pleased to share with you an exceptional original music composition from the band “Back Door Slam” right after this important message:
PLEASE - join Da Rev & Da Pagan Baby in contributing to an all out effort to eradicate a horrific malady brought to our attention by Tiki Barber. I hope we can count on a check from everyone here this weekend for $500. or more for continuing research into “Ancestral Jaw”…
Ladies! Your first melontini is on the house!
Your stimulant check should be arriving soon. Think of it - this may be the ONE time when you can PERSONALLY contribute to the National Debt! You’re robbin’ Peter - don’t tell Ron Paul!
Remember gummint cheese? You had to go pick it up. Checks are so much better.
If you think Hi-Def is a greeting for the hearing impaired... Perhaps you should move on to THIS SITE!
Experts say more people will try camping this summer as they try for cheaper vacations. We tried it last year. We discovered camping can be fun. But not when you do it outdoors. Thanx t' Toms Lake Humor Co.
We’re planning to vacation right here in Metro Fairborn, Ohio and tip every third person we see…
I like to point this out from time to time. George McGovern was a decorated bomber pilot (WWII). Unlike Bush I and Senator McLame, McGovern never crashed.
Record numbers of people are using the eBay auction site, the company's profits have soared 22%. On eBay you can buy a book explaining how to make money on eBay. Chapter One: Write a book titled "How To Make Money on eBay" - sell it on eBay. Thanx t' Toms Lake Humor Co.
Don't pick a fight with an old man. If he is too old to fight, he'll just kill you. 
Beware the man who only has one gun. HE PROBABLY KNOWS HOW TO USE IT!!! 
A well armed society is a polite society.
A study shows smoking increases the risk of depression. If you're a smoker and you want to avoid depression - the trick is to find the POSITIVE side of yellow teeth, smelly clothes, bad breath… a hacking cough… Thanx t' Toms Lake Humor Co.
Aren't the career counselors always telling you to 'do what you love'? Then the boss catches you loggin’ onto porn sites and threatens your livelihood.
The day is coming soon when robots will surf subtly for our porn. They would not get caught. If the supervisor were to notice something, we could pass it off as leaky hydraulics.
Still - remember to clear your HISTORY.
TRIVIA QUESTION
Who was the first US president to marry while in office?
A: James Buchanan
B: Millard Fillmore
C: Franklin Pierce
D: Zachary Taylor
E: John Tyler
TRIVIA ANSWER at the end of The Stand-Up!
If You Can't Fix It With A Hammer, You've Got An Electrical Problem. 
Some People Are Like A Slinky - Not Really Good For Anything But They Bring A Smile To Your Face When Pushed Down The Stairs…
TRIVIA ANSWER
Who was the first US president to marry while in office? A: James Buchanan Tyler was also the first Vice President to succeed to the presidency upon the death of the incumbent.
(Click on image to ENLARGE it) Are you saying there's no such thing as global warming? Jake Novak's Comedy Corner HUNKS FOR THE LADIES
B: Millard Fillmore
C: Franklin Pierce
D: Zachary Taylor
E: JOHN TYLER
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Questions for Jerks like Senator Jim Inhofe:
Are you saying state-sized ice chunks aren't breaking off Antartica?
Or are you saying that's "cyclical," and the polar caps will someday become colder and freeze?
Do you realize the consequences if your guess is wrong?
Or are you agreeing that global warming is real, and we are entering our final days - but God will protect us?
Or are you saying there's nothing we can do about it - whatever the cause - so we might as well quit and surrender because that's the kind of spirit that built this once-great country?
Or are you saying... well, ...what the fuck ARE you saying?
Does the GOP have ANY coherent strategy on the subject?
Lastly, if you're wrong, and you stop us from reversing this, we're all dead,
and so are your children and the grandchildren who never had a chance to survive because Big Oil sucking bastards like you wanted a few extra dollars instead of a stable planet..
But if we're wrong, what's the worst that could happen?
Our air would be cleaner?
We'd import less oil, which means fewer dead soldiers?
We'd only create 50M tons of plastic bags a year, instead of 100M tons?
We know what's the worst that could happen if you're wrong - a dead planet.
What's the worst that could happen if we're wrong? 
Al Qaeda Leader Killed
A U.S. airstrike has killed the top al Qaeda agent in Somalia. The top al Qaeda rep in Ethiopia and Nigeria will cover his assasinations and sales calls until a replacement can be named.
Fertilizer Shortage
Reports show that there is a worldwide fertilizer shortage... and that's the first time that's happened in a U.S. presidential election year.
Comedian Argus Hamilton
Forbes magazine placed Oklahoma City at the top of its list of recession-proof cities. It's quite evident why. Oklahoma City was closely followed on the list of recession-proof cities by Houston, Dallas, Dubai, Kuwait City and Riyadh. 
Iraq announced it'll make seventy billion dollars in oil profits this year. U.S. taxpayers continue to fund Iraq's defense and rebuilding. Americans don't feel safer in their homes knowing Saddam Hussein is dead, they are losing their homes either way. 
The White House revealed that President Bush will visit Israel and Egypt and Saudi Arabia in May. What a trip. He will celebrate Israel's sixtieth birthday and jump start the Middle East peace process, also celebrating its sixtieth birthday.
The Olympic torch arrived in North Korea and there weren't any protests or disruptions. A well-dressed crowd welcomed the flame's first visit to the country. They cheered the runners as they entered the capital city and then ate them. 
Did you read this? Barbara Walters reveals in her “tell all” bio that back in the ‘70s she had an affair with former Senator Edward Brooke of Massachusetts. Ed Brooke is an African-American. After they split, Barbara married a Jewish guy. So - Baba Wawa disproves the adage - she went black and DID come back!
MORE Argus
Miley Cyrus posed semi-nude for famed photographer Annie Leibovitz in the June issue of Vanity Fair. She held a satin sheet to her chest, exposing her back. No one can believe that Hannah Montana turned into Hannah I-da-ho before her sixteenth birthday. 
Barack Obama said working-class Americans always turn to child pornography whenever they're bitter. 
NBC's Deal or No Deal drew its lowest ratings ever when President Bush appeared on the show Monday. He's magic. The show is now trillions over budget, Howie Mandel just lost his home to foreclosure, and President Bush traded the nuclear briefcase for one with a hundred dollars in it. 
MORE from Jake
Clemens Affair
A new report claims that Roger Clemens had a relationship with country singer Mindy McCready beginning when the girl was just 15 years old. Clemens is denying the report and plans to make a public statement as soon as he can tear himself away from those Hannah Montana pictures in Vanity Fair.
Mindy McCready may have to testify during Clemens’ defamation lawsuit. He swears he didn't have sex with her when she was fifteen but Annie Leibovitz has the pictures. 
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HALLE BERRY SHOWS OFF HER BEAUTIFUL NEW (POST-PARTUM) BODY!
If beauty were eggs, I'd eat her sunny side up every morning. With some bacon on the side.
I would supply the sausage…
THE LATE GREAT JOHNNY CASH!
At a news conference, a journalist said to the politician running for the presidency, "Your secretary said publicly that you have a small penis. Would you please comment on this."
"The truth is," replied the politician, "that she has a big mouth."
A cub reporter covered a story about an attact on a woman by an escapee from a mental assylum. He returned with the story and a headline of "Woman raped, mental patient escapes".
The editor told him the headline needed a little punch to grab the reader's attention. After a while he came back with "Fiend Fucks and Flees".
The editor told him it was a family paper and they couldn't use a headline like that, go back and try again. Much later he came back with "Nut screws and bolts".
A newsboy was standing on the corner with a stack of papers, yelling, "Read all about it. Fifty people swindled! Fifty people swindled!"
Curious, a man walked over, bought a paper, and checked the front page. Finding nothing, the man said, "There's nothing in here about fifty people being swindled."
The newsboy ignored him and went on, calling out, "Read all about it. Fifty-one people swindled!"
How the media would handle the end of the world
USA Today: WE'RE DEAD.
Wall Street Journal: Dow Jones Plummets as World Ends.
National Enquirer: O.J. and Nicole, Together Again.
Inc. Magazine: 10 Ways You Can Profit From the Apocalypse.
Rolling Stone: The Grateful Dead Reunion Tour.
Sports Illustrated: Game Over.
Playboy: Girls of the Apocalypse.
Lady's Home Journal: Lose 10 Pounds by Judgment Day with Our New "Armageddon" Diet!
TV Guide: Death and Damnation: Nielson Ratings Soar!
Discover Magazine: How will the extinction of all life as we know it affect the way we view the cosmos?
Microsoft's Web Site: If you don't experience the rapture, DOWNLOAD software patch RAPT777.EXE.
America OnLine: System temporarily down. Try calling back in 15 minutes.
CRUISIN - '53 NASH
Good fortune. COMMENT! Please spread the meme. Don’t smoke in bed…
