May 10, 2ôô8
NAVIGATING THE FRINGE STREAM
- LISTING A BIT TO THE LEFT...
*NOT CURRENTLY AVAILABLE IN MYANMAR*
“Minister Of Rants” has just been voted #1 blog by social misfits with pimples and greasy hair who insist on semi-annual colonoscopies… 
Seriously - a BIG salute to all the mothers & grandmothers. Where would be without all those mothers?!
What is Obama's "Base"?
He didn’t win California
He didn’t win New York
He didn’t win Texas
He didn’t win Florida
He didn’t win Pennsylvania
He didn't win Massachusetts
He didn’t win Ohio
He didn’t win Michigan
He didn’t win Catholic voters
He didn’t win Reagan Democrats
He didn’t win women voters
He didn’t win white voters
He didn’t win Jewish voters
He didn’t win the Latino voters
He didn’t win the Asian voters
He didn’t win the working class voters
Bartcop.com 
Big victories in West Virginia (25-30%) and Kentucky (30%) will help Hillary make the argument that she is indispensable. When was the last time Obama carried a mostly white state with many people in it? 
Heard on CNN
"Paul, you're looking at the old coalition. A new Democratic coalition is younger. It is more urban, as well as suburban, and we don't have to just rely on white blue-collar voters and Hispanics. We need to look at the Democratic Party, expand the party, expand the base and not throw out the baby with the bathwater."
[The "still neutral" Brazile, telling Paul Begala that the 'New Dem Party' doesn't need white working-class people and Latinos]
"We cannot win with egg heads and African-Americans. OK, that is the Dukakis Coalition, which carried ten states and gave us four years of the first George Bush." [Paul Begala, responding to Donna Brazile]
Comedian Rush Limbaugh took credit for Hillary Clinton's Indiana win Tuesday. It evened out. All the Limbaugh people who crossed over from the GOP to vote for Hillary were canceled out by all the dead people who crossed over from Chicago to vote for Barack. 
I invite you to look at the film of Farrakhan's sweating, yelling, paranoid face and to bear in mind that this depraved thug, who boasts of "dealing with" one of black America's moral heroes, is the man praised by Jeremiah Wright and referred to with respect as "Minister Farrakhan" by the senator who hopes to be the next president of the United States.
I don't need any condescending liberal to explain to me why black Americans are inclined to be touchy about the way their forebears were treated any more than I require a patronizing former Harvard law student to guide me through the anxieties of the gun-owning and hunting community.
[Christopher Hitchens @ Slate.com]
"McCain announced today the members of his campaign's Justice Advisory Committee. Translation - The very folks who would help McCain select nominees to the whore court and federal courts. Heading up the effort are Paula Jones attorney Ted Olson and the religiously insane Senator Sam Brownback (R-Devo)." Bartcop.com 
New Hampshire computer programmer Fred Hollander filed a lawsuit claiming John McCain isn't eligible to run for president. The suit says he was born in the Panama Canal Zone. The good news for John McCain is, this proves to doubters that he was born after 1903. 
WHAT KIND OF GOD ALLOWS GAS PRICES TO SOAR?!?
At a Shell gas station in Washington, Rocky Twyman and an unusual group of activists were mad as hell about soaring fuel prices. "Last week, this station was 3.51 dollars. Now it's practically 3.60. So it's gone up nine cents in one week," Twyman said as he pumped five dollars' worth of gas into his thirsty American car.
"Someone's making a lot of money and it's really, really wrong," added Twyman, who founded the Prayer at the Pump movement last week to seek help from a higher power to bring down fuel prices, because the powers in Washington haven't.
The half-dozen activists - Twyman, a former Miss Washington DC, the owner of a small construction company and two volunteers at a local soup kitchen - joined hands, bowed their heads and intoned a heartfelt prayer.
"Lord, come down in a mighty way and strengthen us so that we can bring down these high gas prices," Twyman said to a chorus of "Amens".
"Prayer is the answer to every problem in life... We call on God to intervene in the lives of the selfish, greedy people who are keeping these prices high," Twyman said on the gas station forecourt in a neighborhood of Washington that, like many of its residents, has seen better days.
"Lord, the prices at this pump have gone up since last week. We know that you are able, that you have all the power in the world," he prayed, before former beauty queen Rashida Jolley led the group in a modified version of the spiritual, "We Shall Overcome".
"We'll have lower gas prices, we'll have lower gas prices..." They sang.
THUS SAYETH THE LORD:
“Oh, Hell yes - now I should take over petroleum distribution? Wait... I am starting to like this idea. Instead of relying on tithing from devout followers I can collect from everyone at the pump! PRAISE ME!!”
The Daily Gut
REJOICE DEAR HEARTS!
Ah don't care if Iran done freeze us
Long as Ah got that pumpin’ Jesus
Reachin' for the gas cap on mah carrrrr…
Well, I’ll bet that ALLAH is in FAVOR of high gas prices!
Thanx t’ Bartcop.com 
Married To The Sea
George Denis Patrick "George" Carlin (71) is a Grammy-winning American stand-up comedian, actor, and author. Carlin is especially noted for his political and black humor and his observations on language, psychology, and religion along with many taboo subjects. Carlin may be best known for his "Seven Dirty Words" comedy routine which was central to a Supreme Court case.
Wikipedia
Donovan (Donovan Phillips Leitch (62), is a Scottish singer-songwriter and guitarist. Emerging from the British folk scene, he developed an eclectic and distinctive style that blended folk, jazz, pop, psychedelia, and world music. “Sunshine Superman”, “Season of the Witch”, “Catch The Wind”, “Jennifer Juniper” & “First There Is a Mountain”… Wikipedia
Jerry Wallace (79) country singer who shot to fame in the late '50s with a pair of hit songs including "Primrose Lane." Wallace began recording in 1951 and scored his first major hit in '58 with the release of "How the Time Flies," followed in '59 by the upbeat "Primrose Lane," which sold more than a million copies. He scored more than 45 chart successes on both the pop and country music hit parades (including a hit recording of “Shutters & Boards”, composed by Heroic Soldier-Actor Audie Murphy), then stopped recording in the late '70s. He died of congestive heart failure in Victorville, California on May 5, 2008. Life In Legacy
Eddy Arnold (89) singer who took country music uptown and sold more than 85 million recordings over 70 years. Arnold personified the evolution of country music in the years after World War II, from a rural vernacular to an idiom with broad mainstream appeal. His mellow baritone on songs like "Make the World Go Away" made him one of the most successful country singers in history. Folksy but sophisticated, he became a pioneer of "the Nashville sound," also called "countrypolitan," a mixture of country and pop styles. His crossover success paved the way for later singers such as Kenny Rogers. Arnold died one week short of his 90th birthday, near Nashville, Tennessee on May 8, 2008. Life In Legacy
Paul B. Gordon (84) executive under whom Gordon Food Service Inc. (GFS) grew into one of the largest family-owned food distributors in North America. Gordon's grandparents started the business in 1897, delivering eggs and butter from a horse-drawn cart. In 2007, Forbes magazine listed Gordon Food Service as No. 46 among the country's largest privately owned companies, with estimated sales of $5.9 billion in '06. Gordon died of cancer in Ada Township, Michigan on May 6, 2008. Life In Legacy
Ice Cream Pioneer Dies
Baskin-Robbins co-founder Irvine Robbins died last night at the age of 90. The cause of death was a massive brain freeze.
"Don't take any shit from the zeitgeist."
[George Carlin]
"Everyone has a plan 'till they get punched in the mouth."
[Mike Tyson]
"In the Left blogs today, it is considered a mortal sin to point out that Barack Obama has trouble connecting with white working class voters."
Talk Left
"In Obamaland, Wright and Ayers are not problems, Michelle is an asset, no one perceives Obama as an elitist, and those purple states are all going to turn a lovely shade of blue. Stay tuned for contrary evidence in November."
Talk Left 
"Since I've been your President, we have been through a recession, we have been through a terrorist attack, we have been at war, we have had corporate scandals, we have had major natural disasters." [Monkey Boy]
“I wish I could help, but I don’t want to. [Phoebe, from “Friends"]
Bartcop.com
(Click on any image to ENLARGE it)
I’m Rev. Art. Welcome to our crib in Metro Fairborn and THE STAND-UP! - It’s like “Debbie Does Dallas“, but we’re in Greene County, Ohio.
We are very pleased to share with you an exceptional original music composition from the band “Stoned Graduate” right after this important message:
PLEASE - join Da Rev & Da Pagan Baby in contributing to an all out effort to eradicate a horrific malady brought to our attention by Lucky Simonovitch. I hope we can count on a check from everyone here this weekend for $500. or more for continuing research into “Destruction Dropsy”…
In one episode of 'Cheers', Cliff is seated at the bar describing the Buffalo Theory to his buddy, Norm. I don't think I've ever heard the concept explained any better than this:
'Well you see, Norm, it's like this . . . A herd of buffalo can only move as fast as the slowest buffalo. And when the heard is hunted, it is the slowest and weakest ones at the back that are killed first . This natural selection is good for the herd as a whole, because the general speed and health of the whole group keeps improving by the regular killing of the weakest members. In much the same way, the human brain can only operate as fast as the slowest brain cells. Now, as we know, excessive intake of alcohol kills brain cells. But naturally, it attacks the slowest and weakest brain cells first. In this way, regular consumption of beer eliminates the weaker brain cells, making the brain a faster and more efficient machine. And that, Norm, is why you always feel smarter after a few beers.'
Did you see the headline in the Fairborn Daily Herald?
“Plane Too Close to Ground, Crash Probe Told.”
The sub-head: “Something Went Wrong in Jet Crash, Experts Say.”
Is violence a crime if it is for against like someone wearing really baggy pants or playing Josh Grobin or Celine on a boom box in public??
I see it more as "setting someone straight"…
Jerry’s brother is attending DeVry Institute - studying Phrenology. He says he’s havin’ trouble getting’ his head around it…
Remember when Lance Armstrong and Sheryl Crow were a hot item? Ol’ Lance had t’ eat a lotta Crow back then…
A new study shows people who experience frequent feelings of "Deja Vu" are more likely to be creative and have a high IQ…
Wait a minute - no need to discuss this - the same study was released last year at this time of the year... And the year before that!
Toms Lake Humor Co.
Washington University released a study detailing the harmful effects of increased drinking by women in their forties and fifties. They didn't study the effect of drinking on young women. There's already been centuries of research on that. 
Attention Deficit Drugs
A new study shows American kids are getting prescribed ADHD drugs at 6 times the rate of British kids. I was going to make a joke about this, but I lost my train of thought.
TRIVIA QUESTION
Who was the oldest person to host "Saturday Night Live"?
A: Peter Cook
B: Ruth Gordon
C: Walter Matthau
D: John McCain
E: Dudley Moore
TRIVIA ANSWER at the end of The Stand-Up!
This looks like a picture of Albert Einstein, right?
If you can back away from your screen about 8-10 feet,
the picture somehow changes into Marilyn Monroe.
BartCop.com
Da Pagan Baby & I watched a ‘40s movie yesterday on TCM. It was a romance - the true story of the deflowering of Regis Philbin, starring Roddy McDowell as The Rege, with Veronica Lake as his “experienced” older girl friend. Long separated by cruel fate, the star-crossed lovers raced across the grassy field toward each other like two freight trains, one having left Cleveland at 6:36 p.m. traveling at 55 mph, the other from Topeka at 4:19 p.m. at a speed of 35 mph.
TRIVIA ANSWER
Who was the oldest person to host "Saturday Night Live"?
A: Peter Cook
B. ACTRESS RUTH GORDON
C: Walter Matthau
D: John McCain
E: Dudley Moore 
In this photo released by the Wildlife Conservation Society, Tana, a female colobus monkey, holds her baby at the Central Park Zoo in New York, Wednesday, May 8, 2008. The baby was born at the zoo on Saturday, April 26 and will retain its white fur for three months, then take on the black and white coloring like its mother. The monkey's gender is still unknown.
Photo by Julie Larsen Maher
Toms Lake Humor Co.
President Bush made a speech saying we are not in a recession. The
difference between a recession and a depression? A recession is when you watch the president on TV, making a speech, denying we are in a recession. A depression is when you have to sell your TV to buy food so you don't get to watch the president make a speech.
Jake Novak's Comedy Corner
Cheap Sheiks
The oil rich Arab countries have only sent about $50,000 in food aid to starving countries in the world this year. It's all part of their "No Suicide Bombers, No Supper" policy.
Cyclone Aid
The U.S. is promising to do whatever's necessary to force Myanmar to accept emergency aid. Apparently, the only way to get help from the Bush administration after a weather disaster is to play hard to get.
Comedian Argus Hamilton
Ohio's Attorney General Marc Dann admitted at his press conference that he had an extramarital affair with an employee. These things always come at a high price. For starters, the next attorney general will demand a new desk and a new rug. 
Letterman:
"Hey, you know who is getting married this weekend in Crawford, Texas? Jenna Bush! And this is no surprise: the $2 billion ice sculpture contract went to Halliburton. }Rim shot!{
Weddings are great, aren't they? Everybody gets in the big family wedding spirit, and everybody is helping out with the big Jenna Bush wedding.
As a matter of fact, right now, Dick Cheney is water-boarding the groom." 
Toms Lake Humor Co.
By now you heard: Britney Spears has been granted extended visitation rights to her two young sons. The boys are excited to see Mommy again. She always brings cigarettes and booze. 
MORE Argus
New Jersey prosecutors filed animal cruelty charges against a farmer who'd trained a cow to perform oral sex on him. The heat's off horse racing. Perhaps it's safer to keep these female animals on the racetrack where they're in plain sight. 
MORE Jake
Star Blasts Baba
Washed-Up celebrity Star Jones is blasting Barbara Walters new book... mostly because it's not edible.
NEWLY-WED BEYONCE
If she came to my seafood shop, I'd give her a fish eye.
Religious Jokes should ALWAYS push the limits of what is considered commonly decent and respectful - so, here goes:
Hitler walks up to the Pearly Gates and says to St Peter, "I'd like to come in."
St Peter: "Not likely!"
Hitler: I've repented and I've given back all the gold and treasures that I stole from the Jews, and I'm really sorry."
At that point, Jesus walks up and asks what's going on.
St Peter: "It's Hitler here, he wants to come in."
Jesus: "Bugger off!"
Hitler: "No, it's true! To prove it, I've got a six foot solid gold cross I can't find the owner of. I could give that to you."
Now Jesus was partial to crosses, so he went to see God.
Jesus: "Hey Dad, I've got Hitler outside and he wants to come in now he's repented."
God: "Tell him to get lost!"
Jesus: "But Dad, he's given back all the gold that he stole from the Jews - except for a six foot, solid gold cross he can't find the owner for. He says I can have it."
God: "Fuck! You couldn't even carry a wooden cross!"
HUNKS FOR THE LADIES
TRAVIS FIMMEL
The Pope woke up early one morning with a huge erection. Thinking that it wasn't very Catholic, he tried to get rid of it. Unfortunately, walking around the room, thinking about the Bible and even getting some fresh air on the balcony all failed to soften him up. With only one option left, he sat down on the balcony and did what needed to be done.
Later, he was walking around Rome when a man with a camera approached him. "Hello, Mr Pope," the man said. "Six o'clock this morning, on the balcony, I think you know what I'm talking about."
"I'm sorry, I don't know what you mean," the Pope replied.
"Oh, I think you do," the man retorted, "and 50 thousand will buy you the camera."
Worried and confused, the Pope paid up and took the camera.
Back in the Vatican, one of the Pope's aides asked about the camera. "A chap in town sold it to me for 50 thousand," the Pope explained.
"50 thousand?!" exclaimed the aide. "Wow, he must have seen you coming."
SARAH - Perplexed
A little boy is standing on top of a cliff, looking down at the sea and crying his eyes out. A priest approaches and says, "My child, why are you so upset?"
The little fellow turns to him and says, "My mummy and daddy were in their car - and it just rolled over the cliff and smashed on the rocks down there."
The priest slowly looks around him while unbuttoning his cassock and says, "It's just not your day, is it?"
STORMY DANIELS
Elijah Fart relates the following tale:
I was walking across a bridge one day, and I saw a man standing on the edge, about to jump. I ran over and said: "Stop. Don't do it."
"Why shouldn't I?" he asked.
"Well, there's so much to live for!"
"Like what?"
"Are you religious?"
He said, "Yes."
I said, "Me too. Are you Christian or Buddhist?"
"Christian."
"Me too. Are you Catholic or Protestant?"
"Protestant."
"Me too. Are you Episcopalian or Baptist?"
"Baptist."
"Wow. Me too. Are you Baptist Church of God or Baptist Church of the Lord?"
"Baptist Church of God."
"Me too. Are you original Baptist Church of God, or are you Reformed Baptist Church of God?"
"Reformed Baptist Church of God."
"Me too. Are you Reformed Baptist Church of God, Reformation of 1879, or Reformed Baptist Church of God, Reformation of 1915?"
He said: "Reformed Baptist Church of God, Reformation of 1915."
I said: "Die, heretic scum," and pushed him off. 
St Thomas holds forth in the Upper Room. "I won't believe until I can place my fingers into the holes in His hands and His feet and thrust my hand into the wound in His side."
Just then the Risen Christ enters. "Tom," Jesus says, "the boys and I have been talking, and we're all afraid that you're becoming just a little too weird for our group."
SHANA HIATT
A man ran through a crowded train looking very agitated, calling out, "Is there a Catholic priest on board?"
When he got no reply, he ran back up the train shouting, "Is there an Anglican priest on board?" Still no reply.
By now becoming more desparate, he ran down the train shouting, "Is there a Rabbi on board?"
Eventually, a gentleman stood up and said, "Can I be of any assistance, my friend? I'm a Methodist minister."
The man looked at him and said, "No, you're no bloody good. I need a corkscrew!"
Good fortune. COMMENT! Please spread the meme. Don’t smoke in bed…
