July 5, 2ôô8
CELEBRATING INDEPENDENCE
NAVIGATING THE FRINGE STREAM
- LISTING A BIT TO THE LEFT...
“Minister of Rants” - is read by more people who do not belong to the religion of their parents…
*NOT CURRENTLY AVAILABLE IN MYANMAR*
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BLOGGING FOR OBAMA
Candidate Obama is said to be “moving to the center”; Candidate McLame is already “combing-over to the center”…
Argus Hamilton says: Barack Obama gave a speech last week to promote expanding national service. He wants every college student to serve fifty hours in exchange for a four thousand dollar tuition tax credit. And if you serve one hundred hours you can have it in beer. 
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From Conan O’Brien: "This week, Barack Obama, true story, campaigned on an Indian reservation and the tribal chief adopted him. Yeah, the Indians actually prefer Obama to John McCain, because they still remember when McCain took their land." 
Colin Powell met with the presidential candidates last week without making any endorsement. He's respected by both sides. Four years ago Colin Powell resigned as President Bush's Secretary of State in order to spend more time with his conscience. 
John McCain was endorsed for president by his North Vietnam prison warden Tran Trong Duyet Friday. He said during prison debates McCain never admitted the war was a mistake. He told his captors he was prepared to stay in Vietnam for a hundred years. 
Looney Lefties are never satisfied until their candidate fulfills all the requirements of the “Code Pink”crowd. Seriously, I think Senator Obama is running a shrewd, nuanced campaign - but, just for fun -
Let’s Ask Obama: Are We “Stuck in the Middle With You?”
SING ALONG - Remember this great hit by “Stealer’s Wheel”?
By Don Davis
Well I don’t know if I voted for change,
I got the feeling that something is strange,
I’m so scared I just might crash my Prius,
And I’m wondering if you’ll really free us,
Bloggers to the left of me,
FOX News to the right, here I am,
Stuck in the middle with you.Yes I’m stuck in the middle with you,
And I’m wondering what it is I should do,
It’s so hard to keep my ACLU card,
When the FISA bill is such a canard,
Feingold to the left of me, Pelosi to the right,
Here I am, stuck in the middle with you.
Well you started out with nothing,
And you’re proud that you beat Billary,
But the netroots, they come bawling,
Tell you that you’re “killing me,”
Please…. Please…..Trying to make some sense of your “faith”,
And your pitch to the GOP base,
Is it wise to tack back to the center,
We don’t want Nader back as our mentor
Bloggers to the left of me, John McSamey to the right,
Here I am, stuck in the middle with you.
Stuck in the middle with you…
Barack Obama announced that he supports federally funded faith-based initiatives. This is kind of self-serving when you consider that supporting a less-than-one-term Senator for president is itself a faith-based initiative.
Barack Obama agreed with Republicans that federal dollars must be given to religious groups that do social work. It was a letdown. A lot of Democrats were supporting Obama because they thought he could multiply the loaves and fishes himself.
(However Obama’s faith-based scheme may turn out - this remains true: If you give a church a million dollar grant to cover a program it’s already running, that frees up a million bucks for that church to go find converts.)
Argus Hamilton notes that John McCain met Billy Graham at his North Carolina home. This preacher would never embarrass a candidate. You can bet there's no videotape of Billy Graham calling Roman Catholicism the Whore of Babylon… well - if it existed it'd be on black-and-white film (or Kinescope).
And this, from Argus: The Presbyterian Church convention last week voted to allow gay ministers, however they split over gay marriage. Episcopalians and Methodists have the same split. No one would have thought thirty years ago that gays would wind up being Scotch drinkers.
I got an e-mail from Pastor Farley Chortle of the Fairborn Church of the Gooey Death & discount House of Worship. He related a tale of a plane crash which killed 300 passengers and crew. However - one little home-schooled Christian girl survived with only third-degree burns. Pastor Farley concluded, “ This here miracle proves the existence of a watchful and loving GUH-AAWWWD!”
Warren Mercer Oates (July 5, 1928 – April 3, 1982) would be 80. 
He was a prolific American character actor best known for his performances in several films directed by Sam Peckinpah including The Wild Bunch (1969) and Bring Me the Head of Alfredo Garcia (1974).
He starred in numerous films during the early 1970s which have since achieved cult status including The Hired Hand (1971), Two-Lane Blacktop (1971) and Race with the Devil (1975). Oates also portrayed Sergeant Hulka in the box office hit Stripes (1981). He died of a massive heart attack at age 54. He had been a heavy smoker & drinker.
Jesse Helms Is
Finally Dead
The oldest Confederate, Jesse Helms, has gone to that great plantation in the sky - where they grow colored cotton and the white folks be pickin' it...
I s'pose it's bad form t' speak ill o' the dead - but I can't help meself. I fairly loathed Jesse Helms, that ol' racist, homophobic, Christianist POS. I'll make a list - Mean Ol' Jesse's Greatest Hits:
*Jesse Helms made a career of opposing civil rights, women's rights, gay rights - almost everything I believe in.
*He led the crusade against Robert Mapplethorpe, thumbed his nose at Gerald Ford, proposed at least ten constitutional amendments to ban abortion, denounced Martin Luther King Jr.'s "action-oriented Marxism," called a Clinton appointee a "militant-activist-mean lesbian"...
*In 1991, AIDS activists scaled the roof of his home in Arlington, Virginia, and inflated a fifteen-foot replica of a condom. (HELMS IS DEADLIER THAN A VIRUS, IT READ.)
*He basked in the glory of being called the "Oldest Living Confederate" and "Senator No".
*He railed against mothers on welfare, big government, the disappearance of Guh-hawd from public discourse.
*He was one of only six senators to vote against Nixon’s Clean Water Act, one of five to oppose the reauthorization of the Civil Rights Act, and one of two to reject the arms-control agreement with the Soviets in 1987.
Helms WAS A DEMOCRAT when he began his political career in 1951, working as chief of staff for Willis Smith, a North Carolina Democrat who got elected on a baldly segregationist platform. (A typical campaign ad: WHITE PEOPLE, WAKE UP BEFORE IT IS TOO LATE.) Helms was elected on his own as one of Nixon's turncoat Dems-to-Southern strategy Repugs.
He was a devout Baptist from a state of devout Baptists, an ardent pro-lifer; it explains why he was a mean-activist-militant heterosexual
Harvey Gantt, a black man, challenged Helms both in 1990 and 1996. During the first race, Helms aired one of the most shameless television ads he'd ever run: a pair of white hands crumpling an employment-rejection notice while a narrator intoned, "You needed that job, and you were the best-qualified, but they gave it to a minority."
"I still think forced integration was a mistake," he said. "As a government action, I think it was detrimental to whites and blacks. And left alone, it'd have come along - if you look at the football teams in North Carolina, I tell you, there's scarcely any room for a white boy on 'em!"
Billy Graham couldn't make Jesse Helms seem any better with his molasses-dipped eulogy. He only exposed himself for the two-faced fraud he's always been.
There may never be a better example of an old reprobate who used religion to separate "them" from "us" - than that loathsome old bulging-eyed bull toad, the DIS-honorable Mr. Helms (R-Confederacy).
Tell Ann Coltface to be on her guard - they're serving horse at Jesse's wake.
<<=========================>>
Jesse’s granddaughter Jennifer Helms-Knox - a GOP-elected judge in North Carolina - is CLOSETED to all but her close friends - and, perhaps, her late grandpappy. She continues to avoid all questions relating from the press.
*Jennifer Helms Knox refused to discuss the platform of her party!
*Jennifer Helms Knox refused to discuss her leadership role in managing racist and homophobic campaigns for Senator Jesse Helms!
*Jennifer Helms Knox refused to stand up to her own party when then mail flyers filled with hate and homophobia! Mike Rogers @ BlogActive
Her sexual orientation is her bidness, of course - except when she gives aid and comfort to the homophobes who lead her party. That makes her a hypocrite!
"It's an example of the fatuous McCain worship that is the bread and butter of the Washington press corps that Wes Clark's comments this weekend on Face the Whore are being called 'swift-boating'. It's almost comical, but not much less than Bob Schieffer's incredulous responses to the fact that Clark had the temerity to argue that McCain's experience as a Navy pilot and a POW don't necessarily mean he'd be a good president."
[Josh Marshall]
ARTIST
(Navy fighter pilot McCain crashed 5 planes.) “… I believe the term for McCain is “Shitty Pilot” not “hero.” If we want to be generous we could maybe say he was a “torture victim” instead of a “bomb-dropping air bully who got what was coming to him.” Wonkette
I believe Wes Clark was simply pointing out that saying McCain's service qualifies him to be Commander in Chief is like saying being locked in a trunk qualifies you to drive in NASCAR. Thanx t’ BartCop.com
"Larry Craig wants to keep people like Larry Craig from marrying other people like Larry Craig." [Anon.] 
"When asked if he thought it would be legal to torture a detainee's child, David Addington responded, "I'm not here to render legal advice to your committee. You do have attorneys of your own to give you legal advice."...Addington, who says he was involved in the CIA's interrogation torture for fun program, told lawmakers that he wouldn't "be responsible ... (in any sense) legal or moral" if the agency's techniques are found to be unlawful.
This makes us wonder if anyone in this administration will ever be held accountable for anything at all." [Seattle Post-Intelligencer Editorial]
"I feel maybe most uncomfortable in a Western role, because my image of the Western man is John Wayne, and I'm just a little shit." [Warren Oates]
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Welcome to our crib in Metro Fairborn and THE STAND-UP! - its like “Deliverance” - but with MORE grunting and squealing…
Da Pagan Baby & I are very pleased to share with you an exceptional original music composition from the band “Brilliant Whale” right after this important message:
PLEASE - join Da Rev & Da Pagan Baby in contributing to an all out effort to eradicate a horrific malady brought to our attention by Holmes. I hope we can count on a check from everyone here this weekend for $500. or more for continuing research into Ancestral Long Necrosis…
July 4th is a big deal here in Metro Fairborn, Ohio. Even the Central Avenue hooker who works out of her ‘93 Subaru has stuck a red-white & blue pinwheel on the radio antenna. She wears a flag pin on her bustier.
Some students from Wright State University film School called to say they want to do a documentary on my 7+ years as a blogger. Oh Boy!
They interviewed me last Wednesday right here in my studio in Metro Fairborn, Ohio. They called Thursday and told me they have a theater student lined up to portray me in the movie. How about THAT?! I’m not right for the part to play ME! Toms Lake Humor Co.
There were a lotta barbecues over the weekend.
If Wing-Tard pundit Ann Coltface were spit-roasted - they would serve him/her to the poor in France.
The French have pioneered the humane slaughter of horses for meat, you know.
I'd have dibs on her/his) Adam's Apple! 
If cows on Mars have really high IQs - should we eat their steaks?
If they had really high IQs how would we know? If they were able to demonstrate their high IQs - we surely would not eat them - for they would not be cows, right? The Daily Gut
Write to PETA and ask for a definitive answer. PETA=People Eating Tasty Animals.
If Nature had not intended for us to cook and eat animals she would not have made them MEAT!
We had something called huevos nuevos at The Torn Taco last evening - which I think means the eggs were fresh. 
I eat eggs a lot of different ways - but when you think about it - conceptually - eggs are a disgusting foodstuff - and not unrelated to the abortion issue…
What did they call an abortion in Czechoslovakia?
A CANCELED CZECH!! 
For anyone who can read Chinese, it clearly states on pop bottle rockets that the stick end should be inserted into the rectum and not the paper end… ah, yessss...a good, old-fashioned fireworks factory spectaculars of yore… like coal mining disasters and cheaply made consumer goods, it's just another area where we've been out-paced by China. The Daily Gut
Have you seen the movie, “The Incredible Hulk?” I saw the preview and I think they should call it “The Incurable Hulk!”
Spirit Image Dolls
@
Deborah Dixon's New Website
African, Feminist Art, Sculpture... 
Russell Crowe will play Robin Hood in a new movie called "Nottingham". Robin Hood was an outlaw who stole from the rich, and contributed the net (after deducting expenses and 10% for shipping and handling) to the poor. Toms Lake Humor Co.
H 2 UH-OH
Scientists predict an extreme water shortage will threaten our planet. The crisis will probably hit the day after I purchase a new car that runs on water. Toms Lake Humor Co.
Argus Hamilton says that Men's Health released a report urging men to have an active sex life as they grow older. It says middle-aged men who have sex once a month are much less likely to die suddenly. However, the chances increase if their wives find out about it. 
We’re facing the worst economic times since the Great Depression. Our friend Milt was vacationing in California last week and he saw Ed McMahon in an antique store in Beverly Hills, for six hundred dollars! 
TRIVIA QUESTION
What car did James Bond drive in the Ian Fleming books?
A: Aston Martin
B: Austin Healey
C: Derby Bentley
D: Sunbeam Alpine
E: Triumph Herald
A model displays the latest collection of Omani designer Amal Al Ra'aes during a fashion show held by Gulf designers in Manama July 5, 2008.
Photo by Hamad I Mohammed
TRIVIA ANSWER
What car did James Bond drive in the Ian Fleming books?
A: Aston Martin
B: Austin Healey
C: Derby Bentley
D: Sunbeam Alpine
E: Triumph Herald 
Here’s your VIDEO: It’s 1963 - and Johnny Cash is WIRED!
ALSO: Johnny Cash Does Elvis
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Charlie Crist Throws His Gay Past... er... Under The Bus - To Marry The Beard!
Florida Governor Charlie Crist announced he's going to marry his girlfriend of nine months after being a bachelor for all but a brief portion of his life. It's a sacrifice. Most guys who want to improve their chances of being named the vice presidential running mate just get Botox.
SOMEONE should warn the woman Charlie is gay.VIDEO - 2006
The rumors about Florida Gov. Charlie Crist and the Green Iguana just won't go away. Mike Rogers @ BlogActive
The story goes that the Florida governor frequented the Green Iguana, a bar in Tampa, back in the early 1990s when he was just starting his political career. He was less careful back then, people say, and during his partying at the Green Iguana, he was openly gay...
His sexual orientation is his own bidness - but he upholds the homophobic mindset of the Republican Party while remaining closeted. Charlie - IT'S THE HYPOCRICY, STUPID!!
Jake Novak's Comedy Corner
WAL-MART is planning to change its logo, opting for what it calls a more 'authentic design.' Of course, the most authentic logo would have to be in Chinese...
GM Freefall
GM shares are now selling for less than $10 apiece. GM executives are snapping into action by demanding that their stock options be replaced with free gas.
Oil Explanation
A new government report says speculators are not to blame for the high price of oil. But the credibility of the report was thrown into question when it blamed gay marriage.
Bank of America Job Cuts
The bad news is that Bank of America says it will lay off 7,500 people in the coming year. The worse news is that all of those people plan to find new jobs as oil speculators.
Comedian Argus Hamilton
Colombia's army rescued U.S. hostages held by terrorists for years in the jungle last week. It was ingenious. The hostages were slipped inside a rescue helicopter and replaced with Folgers Crystals, and the terrorists couldn't tell the difference. 
U.S. Senate longtime legend Jesse Helms died at age eighty-six in North Carolina Friday, just a day after Bozo the Clown died in California. Everyone in the nation's capital waited nervously for the next shoe to drop. These things always come in threes...
England's Lord Chief Justice angered the British people last week when he said Sharia law should settle disputes between Muslims. Britons are fed up with multi-culturalism. Every time they call the bank, the voice mail tells them to press one for Magna Carta.
Condoleezza Rice told Judy Woodruff that she is proud of the decision to invade Iraq. The interview aired all weekend. July Fourth is a day when Democrats drink beer, Republicans drink Scotch, and the Bush administration drinks the Kool-Aid. 
China was invaded by locusts to add to the algae infestation and smog alerts. And that's on top of earthquakes and flooding. China never should have cracked down on the Tibetans who pray six times a day the year they're hosting the Olympics. 
CBS News' Lara Logan was accused by an angry Texas housewife Friday of carrying on an adulterous affair with her contractor husband in Iraq while also dating CNN's Michael Ware. It's her duty. Lara Logan has freedom tattooed on one ankle and democracy tattooed on the other ankle and she's doing all she can to spread freedom and democracy in Iraq.
Venus Williams defeated sister Serena 7-5, 6-4 on Saturday to capture the Wimbledon title without dropping a single set throughout the tournament.
MORE from Argus
Alex Rodriguez was reported to be having an affair with Madonna in New York, about which he refused all comment. The city is riveted. Alex Rodriguez is within one actress of tying Mickey Mantle's team record of fifty-four actresses in one season.
Arnold Schwarzenegger directed the firefighting as multi-million dollar houses burned up and down the Central Coast. Big Sur was evacuated. They had to set up the Red Cross shelter at Hearst Castle because these people will not sleep in a gymnasium. 
Gonzo: The Life and Work of Dr. Hunter Thompson opened in movie theaters about the fabled Rolling Stone political writer whom Baby Boomers idolized. In his whole life Hunter Thompson only did one line of cocaine. It was thirty years long.
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If her political insight were a Yankee - she'd make my Doodle Dandy!!
Please hold the ladder for her - but don’t ahhhhhh… VIDEO
HUNKS FOR THE LADIES
I'm feelin' PUN-nacious...
What happened when the cow tried to jump over a barbed wire fence?
Udder destruction.
When I was in the supermarket I saw a man and a woman wrapped in a barcode.
I asked, "Are you two an item?"
What do you call a fish with no eyes?
A fsh.
I fired my masseuse today.
She just rubbed me the wrong way.
They arrested a man for passing himself off as the comedian named Seinfeld...
The charge was playjerism. (play Jer ism)
What do they call the new baby ape?
A chimp off the old block 
SWEET SERENA
#2 THIS YEAR
Shakespeare walks into a bar and asks the bartender for a beer.
"I can't serve you." says the bartender. "You're Bard!" 
A FRAZETTA PRIMITIVE
There is no conclusive evidence about what happens to old skeptics - but their future is doubtful. 
whoa!
'58 STUDEBAKER
______ 4x4
Good fortune. COMMENT! Please spread the meme. Don’t smoke in bed…
