June 28, 2ôô8
Don't Fence Me In...
This blog post is dedicated to George Carlin, Class Clown - but what class!
NAVIGATING THE FRINGE STREAM
- LISTING A BIT TO THE LEFT...
“Minister of Rants” - It’s like a 14-oz. serving of delicious Veal Parmesan - but without the death threats from crazed PETA activists…
BAN GUN BANS...
*NOT CURRENTLY AVAILABLE IN MYANMAR*
Da Rev has received comments and e-mails from Ireland, Italy, England, Canada, Norway, Lebanon, Iran, Israel. I’d like to think this blog might slip through a crack in the Great Chinese Firewall, sooner or later. Communication rocks!
But then, there is North Korea, where President Bush pities all those millions of people who have no internets…
BLOGGIN' FOR OBAMA!
“John McCain, if he’s elected, is going to pick a Supreme Court that will roll back every gain women have made in the last 50 years.” [Senator Barack Obama]
HILLARY'S ARMY OF WOMEN - PLEASE TAKE NOTE!
Did you hear the report Barack Obama has exchanged e-mails with actress Scarlett Johansson? Not to be outdone - John McCain admitted he once exchanged Morse code messages with Joan Crawford.
Barack Obama enjoyed a fundraiser in Los Angeles which highlighted his close Hollywood ties. As a matter of fact he answers Scarlett Johansson's e-mails every night. It's the first indication that Michelle Obama wants to run for the Senate. 
Michelle Obama told gay Democrats in New York her husband will fight for gay equality because he believes it's a civil rights issue. We must all try our best. Someday Religious Conservatives will be able to talk golf with gay people and someday Democrats will be able to visualize Fundangelicals without Nazi uniforms. 
Ralph Nader told reporters Barack Obama is not addressing black issues of urban poverty and job cuts due to free trade because he wants to talk white. He might have a point. That Grammy Barack Obama won was for a tribute to Perry Como.
John McCain drew protesters in Las Vegas who picketed over his support for nuclear power. He's toured many nuclear power plants and he knows they're harmless. All radiation does is bleach your skin white, cause skin cancers to flare up, thin your hair and dump your first wife.
THE WHORE MEDIA CAN'T HANDLE A STRAIGHT SHOOTER!
Gen. Wes Clark, acting as a surrogate for Barack Obama’s campaign said that John McCain lacked the executive experience necessary to be president, calling him “untested and untried” on CBS’ “Face the Nation.” And in saying so, he took a few swipes at McCain’s military service.
After saying, "I certainly honor his service as a prisoner of war. He was a hero to me and to hundreds of thousands and millions of others in the armed forces, as a prisoner of war," he added that these experiences in no way qualify McCain to be president in his view:
“He has been a voice on the Senate Armed Services Committee. And he has traveled all over the world. But he hasn't held executive responsibility. That large squadron in the Navy that he commanded — that wasn't a wartime squadron,” Clark said.
“I don’t think getting in a fighter plane and getting shot down is a qualification to become president.”
GEORGE CARLIN ON RELIGION! priceless!
During an August 1995 appearance on Tom Snyder's late-night CBS talk program, Carlin was responding to a caller during the show and elaborately described and defended his non-belief in a "man in the sky" who tells you "where you shouldn't put your hands."
Carlin was profiled in the New York Times: George Carlin, comedian. Attended Cardinal Hayes High School in the Bronx, but left during his sophomore year in 1952 and never went back to school. Before that he attended a Catholic grammar school, Corpus Christi, which he called "an experimental school."
"I credit that eight years of grammar school with nourishing me in a direction where I could trust myself and trust my instincts. They gave me the tools to reject my faith. They taught me to question and think for myself and to believe in my instincts to such an extent that I just said, 'This is a wonderful fairy tale they have going here, but it's not for me."'
-[New York Times, August 20, 1995, p. 17] 
Carlin was interviewed in the March/April 1997 issue of Mother Jones. He said, "The two big mistakes were the belief in a sky god - that there's a man in the sky with 10 things he doesn't want you to do and you'll burn for a long time if you do them - and private property, which I think is at the core of our failure as a species. That's the source of my indignations, my dissatisfactions, however it comes out on stage. I feel betrayed by the people I'm part of, these creatures, these magnificent creatures."
In the September 6, 2000 edition of The Onion A.V. Club titled "Is There A God?", celebrities were asked the question. Carlin was among those asked.
The Onion: Is there a God?
George Carlin: No. No, there's no God, but there might be some sort of an organizing intelligence, and I think to understand it is way beyond our ability. It's certainly not a judgmental entity. It's certainly not paternalistic and all these qualities that have been attributed to God. It's probably a dispassionate... That's why I say, "Suppose He doesn't give a s**t? Suppose there is a God but He just doesn't give a s**t?" That's the kind of thing that might be at work.
CARLIN on "Bullshit and Praying to God or Joe Pesci"...
(George says so far it's 50/50.) 
[Self Portrait]
Senator Barry Goldwater would be 99 on July 4. Thus begins his centennial. Statesman. Haberdasher. Author. Photographer. Painter. Provocateur. He was a rare individual - a straight shooter. You hardly see the likes of him nowadays...
NO FUCKIN' TEARS!!
George Carlin will forever be a footnote whenever discussion involves The Supreme Court & Obscenity - or perceptions thereof...
His 7 Words You Can't Say On TV was brilliant. His understanding of how we use words to communicate rivalled Chomsky or any Ph.D.s who are inaccessible to most of us unwashed masses...
My son and I had the great fortune to see George perform At Memorial Hall in the '80s.
George's late wife's parents lived in Dayton at a point in the '80s when George was injured in an auto collision hereabouts while visiting them.
George Carlin had said many times that he was an atheist. He was very critical of religion and the publicly pious through his humor, often directed at Catholics. Onstage, he stated that "religion is just mind control."
Here's one video clip you'll probably want to archive:
Classic Carlin: 7 Words You Can’t Say On Television
THROUGH THE YEARS, MAN…
George Carlin (71) stand-up comedian, a counterculture hero famed for his routines about drugs and dirty words. Known for his provocative material, Carlin won status as an anti-Establishment icon in the '70s with stand-up bits full of drug references and a routine called "Seven Words You Can Never Say on Television." A regulatory battle over a radio broadcast of the routine ultimately reached the US Supreme Court, which ruled that the words cited in Carlin's routine were indecent and that the government's broadcast regulator could ban them from being aired at times when children might be listening. Carlin had a history of heart and drug-dependency problems. He died of heart failure after being hospitalized earlier in the afternoon for chest pains, in Santa Monica, California on June 22, 2008.
Ira Tucker (83) little man with a big vocal range and acrobatic stage antics who as lead singer of the Dixie Hummingbirds helped to propel gospel music toward a more emotive style. Tucker joined what became one of the longest-lasting groups in gospel music when he was 13 or 14 and never left. He had already survived two major heart attacks when he died of heart failure in Philadelphia, Pennsylvania on June 24, 2008.
“Freedom rests on 4 boxes:
the Soap Box;
the Ballot Box;
the Jury Box;
And the Cartridge Box - in that order.” [Patrick J. Buchanan]
“Hell is south of Never-Never-Land. Heaven is a topless bar by the airport.” [George Carlin]
“He’s back at work again, Mohammed Ali. Of course he has an interesting job – beating people up. Government wanted him to changes jobs. Government wanted him to kill people. He said: ‘Naw, I’ll beat ‘em up, but I won’t kill ‘em.’
So the government said: ‘Well, if you won’t kill ‘em, we won’t let you beat ‘em up.' " [George Carlin]
"But I'll tell you what they don't want... They don't want a population of citizens capable of critical thinking. They don't want well-informed, well-educated people capable of critical thinking. They're not interested in that. That doesn't help them. That's against their interests.
They don't want people who are smart enough to sit around the kitchen table and figure out how badly they're getting fucked by a system that threw them overboard 30 fucking years ago. You know what they want? Obedient workers – people who are just smart enough to run the machines and do the paperwork but just dumb enough to passively accept all these increasingly shittier jobs with the lower pay, the longer hours, reduced benefits, the end of overtime and the vanishing pension that disappears the minute you go to collect it.
And, now, they're coming for your Social Security. They want your fucking retirement money. They want it back, so they can give it to their criminal friends on Wall Street. And you know something? They'll get it.
They'll get it all, sooner or later, because they own this fucking place. It's a big club, and you ain't in it. You and I are not in the big club." [George Carlin] 
"The first principle is that you must not fool yourself - and you are the easiest person to fool." [Richard P. Feynman]
“How’s That Drug War Working Out for You? Traces of cocaine can be found on 80 percent of the US currency in circulation, according to The Discovery Channel’s ‘Mostly True Stories’ series. Come on, folks, let’s increase the budget for the War on Drugs and get that number up to 90 or 95 percent…” [RS Janes] @ www.BartCop.com
Today’s peacock is tomorrow’s feather duster. [Anonymous] (He's SO prolific...)
(Click on any image to ENLARGE it)
Welcome to our crib in Metro Fairborn and THE STAND-UP! - its like Lillith Fair, but with less body hair.
Our Fairborn Community is a typical suburban neighborhood with picket fences that resemble your Brit nanny’s teeth. 
We are very pleased to share with you an exceptional original music composition from the band “Broken Chamomile And The Butt-ugly Daniel” right after this important message:
PLEASE - join Da Rev & Da Pagan Baby in contributing to an all out effort to eradicate a horrific malady brought to our attention by Mary Jane Zyvonyik. I hope we can count on a check from everyone here this weekend for $500. or more for continuing research into Eternal Gout…
Married To The Sea
Bill Gates has retired as the boss of Microsoft. He gets to be home all day. He plans to spend the next six months trying to get Windows Vista to work on his home computer. Tom's Lake Humor Co.
Green cars. Green appliances. Green workplaces. Is “green” the new “red, white and blue”? 
On the way over here with the beer, I got stopped for speeding by an overzealous female Greene County Deputy.
"So, Officer - 92 is over the speed limit?"
"Those signs go by so fast how are you expected to read them?"
"I’ve learned from my mistake, Officer - you can let me off with a warning, right?"
WRONG! I know - her boyfriend went too fast last night - and she’s takin’ it out on every man she sees!
Have you been reading about that polygamist sect in Texass? So - they call that a religion, eh? I’m sure it's not easy being the husband at a polygamist ranch. You leave the toilet seat up just once and suddenly you're facing an angry mob.
Lawrence’s girl friend is a self-proclaimed thespian. He told me in confidence that she masticates three times a day. That’s Once, Twice, Three Times… she’s no lady!
I’ve developed a new product just for exotic dancers. They’re pasties made from the hairballs of cats. I call them “Cat Nip Covers“. The Daily Gut
Vin Diesel has become a father. Sadly - the baby was rumored to open much bigger than it actually did…
If you don’t mind - I prefer to think I do not have a "BEER GUT"… I’ve developed a "LIQUID GRAIN STORAGE FACILITY."
Please, People - Larry’s girl friend is not a "dumb blonde" - She’s more properly referred to as a "LIGHT-HAIRED DETOUR OFF THE INFORMATION SUPERHIGHWAY"…
She is not "easy" - She’s "HORIZONTALLY ACCESSIBLE!"
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Yesterday Harold was buying a large bag of Purina Dog Chow for Buster, the wonder dog, at Petsmart and was waiting to check-out. A woman behind him asked if he had a dog. What did she think he had... an elephant?
So Harold told her that no, he didn't have a dog, but was starting the Purina Diet again. He told her he ended up in the hospital the last time, but had lost 50 pounds before awaking in the intensive care unit with tubes coming out of most of his orifices and IV's in both arms.
He told her it was essentially a perfect diet and the way it works is to load your pants pockets with Purina nuggets and every time you feel hungry, you simply eat one or two. The food is nutritionally complete.
Horrified, the woman asked Harold if he'd ended up in intensive care because the dog food poisoned him. He told her no, he'd stepped off a curb to sniff an Irish Setter's ass and a car hit both of them!
}}}...rim shot...{{{
Tim said his kids didn’t show up for Father’s Day - but they went together and sent him a gift basket - filled with tomatoes!
My son gave me a collectors’ tin with three Elvis PEZ dispensers (TRUE). His brother gave me a gift certificate. It’s the thought that counts, right? It’s a certificate for a free colonoscopy! Oh, Crap! Tom's Lake Humor Co.
Maybe he’s doin’ a payback - for the time I got him a Nixon mask for Halloween. First he put on his mask - THEN I punched out the eyeholes… Tom's Lake Humor Co.
(Click on image to ENLARGE)
Tom's Lake Humor Co. is offering a T-shirt that reads:
“Theatre is Life,
Film is Art,
Television is Furniture,
Radio is Imagination!”
I would add - “Blogs are Food for Thought.”
Never fear - this blog has been irradiated for your protection - yes, it’s salmonella-free!
TRIVIA QUESTION
from BartCop.com
You will often see Rosebay Willow Herb after?
A: A Fire
B: A Flood
C: A Herd of Bison Passes By
D: A Lightning Strike
E: A Spring Rain
The TRIVIA ANSWER follows some otherstuff...
A female snow leopard with its cub is seen inside its enclosure at a zoological park in Darjeeling.
Afghan Snow Leopard Threatened By Foreigners - Slide Show
There's no fool like an old
fool. Ask any young fool.
The Hula Hoop turns 50! It's not as popular as it once was. Nowadays, if a person wants the sensation of plastic spinning out of control he gets a credit card.
TRIVIA ANSWER
You will often see Rosebay Willow Herb after?
A: A Fire
B: A Flood
C: A Herd of Bison Passes By
D: A Lightning Strike
E: A Spring Rain 
Rosebay Willow Herb: popularly known as “Fireweed”…’cuz it colonizes areas that have been recently burned. 
Here’s your VIDEO: Jack Benny vs. Groucho ...hilarious!
Niche Search Engines you can use but have probably never heard of.
Listen up my poker-faced friends: from PokerSource.com
In 2006, Bill Frist pushed the Unlawful Gambling Act through Congress. The measure wasn’t even discussed in the Senate and was instead passed by “Unanimous Consent.”
Two years later, Barney Frank and Ron Paul have introduced legislation which would stop the feds from implementing the Screw Poker Bill. It was announced on Friday that two more co-sponsors have signed on to the Poker Freedom bill, bringing the total number to 20. All the cosponsors but Ron Paul and Peter King are Democrats…
Wizard of Whimsey
"Dick Knows..."
Wonkette
Will Sonny Landham Be Third ‘Predator’ Actor Elected To Public Office?
Landham in Predator
Back in 1987, nobody could have guessed that a bunch of meatheads in a movie about an invisible alien with laser-beam eyes would someday be great American leaders. But then the wonderful state of Minnesota elected Jesse Ventura its governor, and California followed suit with Arnold Schwarzenegger.
Now, if Kentuckians play their cards right, they will replace their womanly senator Mitch McConnell with Sonny Landham, who played some dude called “Billy” in Predator. This Landham guy is a real trip… (a) magical journey from porn stardom to the Libertarian party via five wives and a stretch in federal prison…
Somewhere along the line he joined the Libertarian party, and now he is going to totally show that *Nancy Boy Mitch McConnell what’s what. *closeted gay anti gay politician
Sonny Landham - He's so tough, his urine has a half-life of 1000 years. 
Florida's Gay Governor Charlie Crist Makes Up Girlfriend In Interview
The New York Times Mag reporter Deborah Solomon, interviewed closeted gay anti-gay Florida Governor Charlie Crist: “Your personal life is not that of a typical Republican candidate. For starters, I hear you’re not a property owner.” (What th…?)
You were married nearly 30 years ago, but the marriage lasted less than a year. Do you prefer living alone?
Crist: I got married and divorced because it didn’t work out. I haven’t found the right one since. It’s really that simple.
You can’t find one woman in all of Florida?
Maybe I have. Stay tuned.
We showed you the governor’s “beard last week”… BTW - he “dated” the notorious former FL Secretary of State Katherine Harris a few times. Oh, Johnny Mac - pick Charlie - PLEASE!
Mormon church enters Calif. gay marriage fight
By JENNIFER DOBNER, Associated Press Writer Tue Jun 24
SALT LAKE CITY - The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints is asking California members to join the effort to amend that state’s constitution to define marriage as being between a man and a woman.
Jake Novak's Humor Blog
Sanctions Eased
The U.S. is lifting some sanctions against North Korea. It's great news for North Korean leader Kim Jong Il who during the sanctions has only been able to buy clothes and glasses from elderly Jews in Miami.
Cheap Air Fare
Spirit Airlines is announcing a $69 roundtrip fare from New York to Bogota, Colombia... but for those passengers unwilling to smuggle cocaine, the fare is $369.
San Francisco to vote on George W. Bush sewage works
More than 8,500 signatures have already been gathered in support of the plan
Comedian Argus Hamilton
San Francisco will name the city's sewage treatment plant after President Bush if a ballot measure passes this fall. Don't miss the tour. Inside the plant will be an exhibit showing visitors the difference between weapons of mass destruction and Shinola.
Congress voted one hundred sixty-two billion dollars for the Iraq war last week, raising the total to a trillion. The stock market crashed and oil prices soared. President Bush is such a disaster that FEMA is setting up trailers on the South Lawn.
Buns and Guns is a terrorist-themed restaurant that just opened in a Hezbollah-controlled area of Beirut, which lets diners relax to the sound of recorded gunfire. So far only three customers have died. It's just the wrong place to order corned beef. 
The White House said it won't interfere with negotiations between Iraq and Western oil companies vying to reconstitute Iraq's national oil company. There's no reason to interfere. Once the father has given away the bride, let the drilling begin.
All we hear these days is whining from reckless home borrowers and their banks. But did you know that renters are 32 percent of American households? And that homes in foreclosure are less than 2 percent? So why is Congress rushing to bailout high-flying borrowers and their lenders with _
(y)our tax dollars? Angry Renter
VIDEO: Brother Can You Spare a Couple Billion?
“Life Is Real” is a great song by Ayo. Pick up her “Joyful” CD.
MORE Argus
Harry Shearer's new album Songs of the Bushmen was denied billboard advertising space because the album cover depicts President Bush with a bone through his nose. It will end up being decided in court. The First Amendment must be balanced against a comedian's need to get in all the Bush jokes he can before he leaves office. 
Bill Gates retired from Microsoft to spend his time in charity work. He is the third richest man in the world and he sees no need to work anymore. Someone needs to warn him that those who do not study Ed McMahon are doomed to repeat him. 
The University of Texas at Brownsville is trying to stop the construction of a border fence with Mexico which will run through school grounds, because it would leave the school's golf course cut off inside Mexico. The fence is critically needed. The fifty thousand people per day asking if they can play through aren't all golfers. 
Bill Murray's divorce was settled quietly in South Carolina. His wife accused him of being a pothead and a drunk and a sex addict. Today that's a mark of shame, while thirty years ago that's how they introduced him on Saturday Night Live. 
Los Angeles City Hall reported it has issued seven thousand oil drilling permits to drill in the city. The wildcatters are everywhere. Ed McMahon was last seen in his front yard in Beverly Hills working the gopher holes with a toilet plunger.
Tom Brokaw offered to host Meet the Press a week after Tim Russert's death. He announced Russert's death, he hosted Russert's funeral and now he has Russert's job. Now Tom Brokaw's only problem is that he's got Peter Falk (Inspector Columbo) following him everywhere. 
MORE from Jake
Pregnancy Pact
Several girls at a Massachusetts high school have joined a "pregnancy pact," deciding to deliberately get pregnant at the same time. Man, what some kids won't do to get out of gym class.
Kylie Minogue is SIZZLIN’ …ssssssss…
If Kylie’s heat were The Hokey-Pokey - I’d put my WHOLE SELF in!
Kylie's Lingerie Commercial that was TOO HOT to air
HUNKS FOR THE LADIES
The following photo array consists - NOT - of “babes” or “chicks” - they’re "BREASTED AMERICANS."
CHRISTINA AGUILARA
At a southern university, students in the psychology program were attending their first class on emotional extremes.
"Just to establish some parameters," said the professor to the student from Arkansas, "what is the opposite of joy?"
"Sadness," said the student.
"And the opposite of depression?" he asked of the young lady from Oklahoma.
"Elation," she said.
"And you sir," he said to the young man from Texas, "what about the opposite of woe?"
The Texan replied, "Sir, I believe that would be 'giddy up' ." 
A woman goes to the doctor for her yearly physical.
The nurse starts with certain basic items.
'How much do you weigh?' she asks.
'115,' she says.
The nurse puts her on the scale
It turns out her weight is 140.
The nurse asks, 'Your height?'
'5 foot 8,' she says.
The nurse checks and sees that she only measures 5 foot 5.
She then takes her blood pressure
And tells the woman it is very high.
'Of course it's high!' she screams,
'When I came in here I was tall and slender!
Now I'm short and fat!' 
IBM supposedly sent this memo to its field service personnel about a computer peripheral problem:
'If a mouse fails to operate or should it perform erratically, it may need a ball replacement. Mouse balls are now available as FRU (Field Replacement Units). Because of the delicate nature of this procedure, a replacement of mouse balls should only be attempted by properly trained personnel.
Before proceeding, determine the type of mouse balls by examining the underside of the mouse. Domestic balls will be larger and harder than foreign balls.
Ball removal procedures differ depending upon the manufacturer of the mouse. Foreign balls can be replaced using the pop off method. Domestic balls are replaced by using the twist off method.
Mouse balls are not usually static sensitive. However, excessive handling can result in sudden discharge.
Upon completion of ball replacement, the mouse may be used immediately. It is recommended that each person have a pair of spare balls for maintaining optimum customer satisfaction.
Any customer missing his balls should contact the local personnel in charge of removing and replacing these necessary items.
Please keep in mind that a customer without properly working balls is an unhappy customer.'
ACTOR MARISKA HARGITAY
Jacqueline and her husband Marc went for counseling after 25 years of marriage.
When asked what the problem was, Jacqueline went into a passionate, painful tirade listing every problem they had ever had in the 25 years they had been married. She went on and on and on: neglect, lack of intimacy, emptiness, loneliness, feeling unloved and unlovable, an entire laundry list of unmet needs she had endured over the course of their marriage.
Finally, after allowing this to go on for a sufficient length of time, the therapist got up, walked around the desk and, after asking Jacqueline to stand, unbuttoned her blouse, embraced her, put his hands on her breasts, and kissed her passionately as her husband Marc watched with a raised eyebrow. Then he proceeded to throw her across the couch and make mad, passionate love to her as Jacqueline bucked and moaned, finishing with a long, loud yodel.
After Jacqueline shut up, she buttoned up her blouse, and quietly sat down as though in a daze.
The therapist turned to Marc and said, 'This is what your wife needs at least three times a week. Can you do this?'
Marc thought for a moment and replied, 'Well, I can drop her off here on Mondays and Wednesdays, but on Tuesdays, Thursdays and Fridays, I have an early foursome at the golf course.'
TOO CUTE! VOLKSWAGEN OUT OF TONKA TOY...
Good fortune. COMMENT! Please spread the meme. Don’t smoke in bed…
