NOVEMBER 15, 2ôô8
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Jake Novak's Humor Blog
Saudi Goals
Saudi Arabia is sponsoring a global conference on "religious understanding." If all goes well, the Saudis will now agree to provide local anesthetic whenever they behead non-Muslims.
Amex Appeal
American Express is now trying to get access to the $700 billion bailout fund. It's not clear what Amex would do with the money, but it is expected to simply pay off its huge Visa and Mastercard bills.
Congressional Agenda
Democratic congressional leaders are promising to fix the economy, health care, energy and end the Iraq war. After that, they plan to create a country made entirely of candy!
Comedian Argus Hamilton
John Kerry and Hillary Clinton were reported to be seeking the Secretary of State nomination. Kerry's skills are well-known. He lost the presidential race four years ago when any idiot could have beaten President Bush, but John Kerry proved he's not just any idiot.
Sarah Palin gave a speech to the GOP Governors Conference which got terrible reviews. She's like a turtle sitting on a fence post. You know she didn't get up there by herself, she doesn't belong up there, she doesn't know what to do up there, you simply wonder what kind of idiot would put her up there in the first place.
The GOP governors conference discussed ways to appeal to more voters this past weekend. They must stop denying science. Polls show that while thirty percent of Republicans believe in evolution, only three percent of monkeys believe in Republicans.
Senator Robert Byrd resigned as Appropriations Committee Chairman.
He's been understandably depressed. Senator Byrd lost his wife, and he's at the age (90) where the only two women that eHarmony will set him up with are Cloris Leachman and Madonna.
President Bush marked his last Veterans Day in office on a pier in
New York, giving a pep talk to the crew of the USS Intrepid. His tone was wistful. Once George W. Bush leaves office not even the clown at the drive-thru will take his orders.
The Mayflower Hotel in Washington redecorated its rooms with organic materials to please the Inaugural crowd last week. Some Democrats are radical environmentalists. Even the hookers coming into town for the Inaugural will be wearing fishnet stockings made out of hemp.
The New York Post printed a detailed two-page foldout of Barack Obama's family tree. He is President Bush's eleventh cousin and Dick Cheney's thirteenth cousin. That means he's genetically predisposed to attacking Iran on his mother's side.
The Mormon Temple in Los Angeles was picketed Saturday by gay protesters. They are angry over the Mormon Church's financial support of the California ballot measure outlawing gay marriage. The Mormon Church was founded on the belief that marriage is a sacred institution between a man and all the women in his zip code.
Rahm Emanuel was named the next White House Chief of Staff. He delights in his reputation as a bare-knuckle partisan infighter. He's been called vengeful and mean and temperamental and foul-mouthed, and that's just his mom bragging about him.
Barack Obama named Rahm Emanuel as his chief of staff. Rahm in Hebrew means thunder and Barack in Arabic means lightning. The prospects for Mideast peace in this administration don't look good but the prospects for special effects are excellent.
In 1991, he volunteered with the Israeli Civilian Defense Force. He spent
the Gulf War rust-proofing brakes. (Insert Jewy Lube sign here.)
He's missing half his middle finger on one hand due to an accident with a meat slicer in a deli where he worked as a kid. Half his middle finger's
gone. For awhile they worried he would be mute!
Senator Ted Stevens of Alaska remained in a recount with his Democratic opponent Thursday. He was just convicted of fraud and graft in federal court. Instead of giving a politician the keys to the city, it may be a better idea to change the locks.
Treasury Secretary Hank Paulson abandoned his plan Wednesday to buy back toxic bank assets. So far everything they've proposed has tanked the markets. Republicans are the party that says government doesn't work and then they get elected and prove it.
President Bush said he's looking forward to Texas and enjoying his free time. All his money's been in T-bills for eight years to avoid conflict of interest. President Bush has arranged it so that he's the only person in America able to retire.
Antigua's President Baldwin Spencer renamed the highest point in his island nation Mount Obama. That country has always revered Democrats in the White House. Once they named a peak after President Clinton, "Mount Anything That Moves"!
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MORE Argus
Boston University researchers published a study saying recreational cocaine use may cause early heart problems. The drug has a widely-accepted medical use. Los Angeles plastic surgeons use cocaine to solicit boob jobs on the dance floor.
Quantum of Solace starring Daniel Craig as James Bond opened Friday in America after a record London opening. The character is evolving. He doesn't sleep with his leading lady, but three times he asks his boss M if she ever saw Harold and Maude.
Barack Obama huddled with his advisers all week and worked on picking his cabinet. He faces more problems than any incoming president in memory. Iran is testing missiles, Russia is threatening Poland, the economic crisis is getting worse each day and his mother-in-law is moving in with him.
The Mercantile Exchange saw oil fall to fifty-six dollars a barrel last week as gas hit a dollar fifty a gallon. Suddenly there's no interest at all in alternative fuels. Ed Begley Jr. is once again the only white guy riding on the bus in Los Angeles.
Josh Brolin got rave reviews for playing the gay lover of slain San Francisco Supervisor Harvey Milk. It saved his career. He just gave a portrayal of President Bush so sympathetic and understanding that even Republicans threw popcorn at the screen.
STEPHANIE JONES
If her luscious beauty were a doorbell - I'd poke her until she answered...
A young man and his date were parked on a back road some distance from town. They were about to have sex when the girl stopped.
"I really should have mentioned this earlier, but I'm actually a hooker and I charge $20 for sex." The man reluctantly paid her, and they did their thing.
After a cigarette, the man just sat in the driver's seat looking out the window. "Why aren't we going anywhere?" asked the girl.
"Well, I should have mentioned this before, but I'm actually a taxi driver, and the fare back to town is $25..."
SHANA HIATT - HOT!!
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