PISS ON EVER'THIN' - T'DAY'S SATURDAY
January 14, 2ôô6! 
(Click on any image to ENLARGE IT.)
PHOTO CONTEST WINNERS - 35TH ANNUAL NATIONAL WILDLIFE FEDERATION photo - Robert M.
Palmer, Milliken, Colorado
A young swift fox makes a dash for its den, a kangaroo
rat clenched tightly in its teeth. Earlier this year, Palmer stumbled upon the
kit’s mother and followed her back to her den in eastern Colorado—a rare find,
since swift foxes have vanished from 90 percent of their historic range in the
United States. 
(Da Rev's standup follows the quotes...)
Monday we commemorate the birthday of DR. MARTIN LUTHER KING, JR. 
UNSUBSCRIBED: LOU RAWLS
QUOTE / UNQUOTE
"Children need you now ... The very fact that these are real needs, that you feel them as your own, that there is no one else responsible for these needs, gives them primacy. It is distraction, not meditation, that becomes habitual; interruption, not continuity; ... Unused capacities atrophy, cease to be." [Tillie Olsen, American Novelist]
If you build a man a fire he will be warm all
evening, but if you set a man on fire, he will be warm the rest of his life.
[Donald Rumsfeld, Unindicted War Criminal]
The church is not the master of the state, nor the servant of the state, but the conscience of the state.
[Martin Luther King Jr., advocating the separation of religion from government.]
WELL HOWDY, REV'LERS!
Yow! Are we laid back yet?
I just
discovered EGG SALAD in my SILK SOCKS! It seems good and fresh, though...
Blame it on the BOSSA NOVA!!!
Bongo News “Okay, who let all the
Americans sit on one side?”
I know how to do SPECIAL EFFECTS (reaching under
shirt to arm pit) !!
I wonder if there's anything good on right now?
Gallery of the Absurd Tom Cruise,
Al Reynolds, and David Gest are all big fans of BABE magazine!
Harry "Bud"
Melman is my co-pilot...
Why don't you ever enter any CONTESTS, Michael?? Don't
you know your ZIPCODE?
Wow! Look!! A stray meatball!! Let's interview
it!
“Why do birds suddenly appear every time you are
near? Just like me, they long to be close to you...” Bongo News
THIS JUST ______ IN ! !
Bag News Notes HOLY CRAP!! Two anti-abortion activists are shown here praying and "anointing the doors" to the Senate hearing room where the Alito confirmation hearings were to take place.
From what I've read concerning Jesus, he was sometimes against the publicity stunt approach to religious expression. I believe he said that he'd prefer that people go home and hide in the closet behind some coats instead. Jesus's dry sense of humor is often overlooked by his followers along with the whole point of what he said, supposedly.
Rev. Art: Sen.
John McCain was reported to be carrying his lucky compass, his lucky feather,
his lucky penny, his lucky rock and his lucky pen. He believes the talismans
helped him survive two plane crashes. OK, McCain pisses off the Religious Reich
- but that doesn't make him a rational choice.
Rev. Art: President Bush hosted a
dozen past Secretaries of State and Defense last week for some fresh ideas on
Iraq. JFK's policy analyst Dr. Arthur Sclessinger, Jr. attended and was disappointed.
He complained, "He met with us for 35 minutes. Does he think we're
stupid?!"
Comedian Argus Hamilton runs down the events of the past week:
Washington lobbyist Jack Abramoffukkah pleaded guilty to bribing congressmen
last week. It happens he went to the same high school as Monica Lewinsky. At
Beverly Hills High School they teach sex education and American civics under the
same table. 
The Wall Street Journal reports today that House Speaker Dennis
Hastert is proposing to “ban all privately financed trips for lawmakers.”
Activists on both sides of the aisle can take comfort in knowing that influence
peddling, covert agendas, scare tactics and banging your intern are still
totally cool.
President Bush said I-told-you-so to Democrats who opposed his tax
cuts last year in his weekly radio address last Saturday. He cited statistics showing
the U.S. economy just added five million jobs. Latchkey kids are becoming a
problem in India. 
Sam Alito told the Senate he couldn't recall belonging to a
Princeton alumni group opposed to affirmative action, even though his membership
was on his resume. He lost his memory in front of a Senate investigative
committee. Now the Italian-American Anti-Defamation League is on his case for
conforming to ugly stereotypes. 
NSA whistleblower Russell Tice told ABC's
Nightline Tuesday the White House is eavesdropping illegally on millions of
Americans without reason. The government says don't believe him. Russ Tice was
fired for exhibiting signs of psychotic paranoia - as if he was the one who
thought Saddam had weapons of mass destruction. 
Dipsy! What about this?! San Diego Mayor Jerry Sanders
complained about San Diego being ranked a low-risk target for terror by
Homeland Security. It really is a quiet place. Even the road leading into town,
Torrey Pines, sounds like a Protestant air freshener.
HERE'S SOMETHIN' REALLY,
REALLY IMPORTANT! 
"ALITO? SOUNDS LIKE LIBIDO! ...<guffaw>...
Pat Robertson said Ariel Sharon suffered a stroke because God
was angry that he divided and gave away God's land. He's out of his mind. It's
obvious to everyone that at the time Ariel Sharon got sick, God was busy helping
Texas beat USC. 
Wayne Newton issued a call for celebrities to join his
USO show and entertain the troops in Iraq. It's a tough situation for the
troops. What they want is jokes, but Bob Hope is gone and the House Ethics
Committee refuses to travel. 
WARNING! PG - 34 (Remember - Click on any image to ENLARGE IT.) 
OOooohh! SERENA'S SWEET SMILE...
Last week, we took some friends out
to a new restaurant here in Metro Fairborn, Ohio, and noticed that the waiter who took our order carried a
spoon in his shirt pocket. It seemed a little strange, but I ignored it.
However, when the busboy brought out water and utensils, I noticed he also had a
spoon in his shirt pocket, then looked around the room and saw that all the
staff had spoons in their pockets. When the waiter came back to serve our soup I
asked, "Why the spoon?"
"Well," he explained, "the restaurant's owners hired
Andersen Consulting, experts in efficiency, in order to revamp all our
processes. After several months of statistical analysis, they concluded that
customers drop their spoons 73.84 percent more often than any other utensil.
This represents a drop frequency of approximately 3 spoons per table per hour.
If our personnel is prepared to deal with that contingency, we can reduce the
number of trips back to the kitchen and save 15 man-hours per shift."
As luck
would have it I dropped my spoon and he was able to replace it with his spare
spoon. "I'll get another spoon next time I go to the kitchen instead of making
an extra trip to get it right now."
I was rather impressed. The waiter served
our main course and I continued to look around. I then noticed that there was a
very thin string hanging out of the waiter's fly. Looking around, I noticed that
all the waiters had the same string hanging from their flies. My curiosity got
the better of me and before he walked off, I asked the waiter, "Excuse me, but
can you tell me why you have that string right there?"
"Oh, certainly!" he
answered, lowering his voice. "Not everyone is as observant as you. That
consulting firm I mentioned also found out that we can save time in the
restroom."
"How so?"
"See," he continued, "by tying this string to the tip of
you know what, we can pull it out over the urinal without touching it and that
way eliminate the need to wash the hands, shortening the time spent in the
restroom by 76.39 percent."
"Okay, that makes sense, but . . . if the string
helps you get it out, how do you put it back in?"
"Well," he whispered, lowering
his voice even further, "I don't know about the others, but I use the spoon". 
Actress Rene Russo - Smart, Sassy, Statuesque...
A
vampire bat came flapping in from the night covered in fresh blood and parked
himself on the ceiling of the cave to get some sleep. Pretty soon all the other
bats smelled the blood and began hassling him about where he got it. He told them
to bug off and let him get some sleep, but they persisted until he finally gave
in.
"OK, follow me," he said and flew out of the cave with hundreds of bats
behind him. Down through a valley they went, across a river and into a forest of
trees. Finally he slowed down and all the other bats excitedly milled around
him. "Now, do you see that tree over there?" he asked.
"YES, YES, YES!!" the bats
all screamed in a frenzy.
"Good!" said the first bat, "Because I fucking
didn't!" 
A GIRL'S PRAYER
Before I lay me down to sleep, I pray
for a man, who's not a creep,
One who's handsome, smart and strong,One who's
willy's thick and long.
One who thinks before he speaks,When promises to call, he
won't wait weeks.
I pray that he is gainfully employed, and when I spend his
cash, won't be annoyed.
Pulls out my chair and opens my door, massages my back
and begs to do more.
Oh! Send me a man who will make love to my mind, knows just
what to say, when I ask "How big's my behind?"
One who'll make love till my
body's a twitchin, in the hall, the garden and kitchen!
I pray that this man
will love me to no end, and never attempt to shag my best friend.
And as I kneel
and pray by my bed. I look at the dickhead you sent me instead.
Amen.
A BOYS
PRAYER
I pray for a girl with BIG TITS.
Amen. (Remember - Click on any image to ENLARGE IT.) 
A guy goes into a drugstore to buy
condoms."What size?" asks the clerk?
"Gee, I don't know."
"Go see Sophie in aisle
4."
He goes over to see Sophie, who grabs him in the crotch, and yells,
"Medium!"
The guy is mortified! He hurries over to pay and leaves quickly.
Another guy comes in to buy condoms, and gets sent to Sophie in aisle 4. Sophie
grabs him and yells, "Large!"
The guy struts over to the register, pays, and
leaves. A high school kid comes in to buy condoms."What size?"
The kid
embarrassedly says "I've never done this before. I don't know what size." The
clerk sends him over to Sophie in aisle 4. She grabs him and yells "Clean up in
aisle 4!" 
EEK!!
Good fortune. COMMENT! Please spread the meme. Don't smoke in bed...
