P.O.E.T.S. - 070806

PISS ON EVER’THIN’ –
T’DAY’S SATURDAY, July 8, 2006
99 CENT STORE ARTIST: DAVID CHOE
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Thanx t’ Madeleine Begun Kane

How Da Rev PINES for more search engine traffic.
Should I pay big dollars for SEO magic?
Hoping my keywords will get a HUGE rise.
Fearing I won't get that GOOGLE rank prize.

Updating pages in quest of a breakthrough.
Hoping new phrases will bring me more clicks through.
Checking competitors' links and their stats.
Wond'ring if I should employ a BLACK HAT.

Relevant content, reciprocal linking.
Publishing articles. Now THAT’S good thinking.
Linkage in .edu and .gov sites.
Vowing soon my competitors to smite.

When those engines,
Act with vengeance,
When my hit rate's bad,
Remember that page ranking ebbs and it flows,
And then I don’t feel so bad...

(Da Rev’s STAND-UP begins after the QUOTES…)

QUOTE / UNQUOTE 

You know, Hobbes, some days even my lucky rocketship underpants don't help.
[Bill Watterson, Calvin and Hobbes]

You can safely assume that you've created God in your own image when it turns out that God hates all the same people you do.
[Anne Lamott]

You who hate the Jews so, why did you adopt their religion?
[Friedrich Nietzsche, addressing anti-semitic Christians]

WELL HOWDY, REV’LERS!

Once again - all of life is a blur of Republicans and meat!

All proceeds from Da Rev’s STAND-UP t’day are being donated to the “Society for the Methodical Elimination of YOUR Religion”! OH, YES!!

And I’d like to point out our special visitor, “Cool Breeze”, a homeless artist who is offering his original wood-framed paintings on black velvet of the YOUNG Tab Hunter – BEFORE his makeover…

I appear before you today with the pain of loss tuggin’ on my heart. We lost Uncle Norvus this past week. It was an industrial accident at the optical manufacturing plant in Waldo. He fell in the lens-grinder – and made a SPECTACLE of himself…

Does anybody know - what was Captain Hook's name before the …uhmmm… accident?

I will share with you some o’ Da Rev’s rules which he applied throughout his checkered work life. Obviously, they did not bring me great success, but they got me through one F*ckin’ day at a time…

_When given a choice, take both.
_If you can't change the rules, then ignore them.
_"No" simply means begin again at one level higher.
_If anything can go wrong, fix it! (To hell with Murphy!)

Hello, Cheryl – is that a polypyrene pantsuit you’re wearing? Oh, you have a complaint? You selected E5... but you didn't hear “Sam the Sham and the Pharaohs''?! Actually – that’s their latest song playing now. They’re MUCH OLDER now, y’ know?

What’s that, Red? You don’t believe we need to fear high radiation levels? Uh, I know you’re a fundamentalist, Red – so I’ll speak v-e-r-y s-l-o-w-l-y… please accept this encyclopedia as a companion to your King Jimmy. Remember - half a mind is a terrible thing to waste!

When religious authority-figures warn you of the dangers of having sex, there is an important lesson to be learned. Do not have sex with religious authority-figures.

Why do Catholics take advice on sex from the pope or their parish priest? If either knows anything about it, he shouldn't, right?!

When someone is “born-again” do they end up with two navels? Y’ know most “born-agains” that I have met made me wish they had never been born the FIRST time! I mean, why be “born again” – when you could just grow up? 

“BEWARE, BROTHER ART!! When the RAPTURE-AH-HAH! COMES-HUH!  Metro Fairborn, Uh-HIGH-uh, will be swept away by a 1000-foot Cheez Wiz tsunami!!”

Yeah, the Rapture… Will The Rapture be like that movie "The Night of the Living Dead" with freshly arisen rotting Christians bumbling about?

I ask you - where would Christianity be if Jesus had gotten eight to fifteen years with time off for good behavior?

I believe the Christians HAD to invent hell! The smarter Jews of the time were beginning to figure out what it would be like to spend eternity with religious fanatics, and the Christians figured they needed to invent someplace worse. They failed.

SPEAKING of HELL-HAH!!

Da Rev was sharin’ a keg with Alexander Haig the other night. Alex admits he hasn’t HEARD any good jokes since the ‘80s.  He told me THIS is one of his favorite jokes:
A man dies and goes to hell. There he discovers that he has a choice: he can go to capitalist hell or to communist hell. Naturally, he wants to compare the two, so he goes over to capitalist hell. There outside the door is the devil, who looks a bit like Ronald Reagan. "What's it like in there?" asks the visitor.
"Well," the devil replies, "in capitalist hell, they flay you alive, then they boil you in oil and then they cut you up into small pieces with sharp knives."
"That's terrible!" he gasps. "I'm going to check out communist hell!" He goes over to communist hell, where he discovers a huge queue of people waiting to get in. He waits in line. Eventually he gets to the front and there at the door to communist hell is a little old man who looks a bit like Karl Marx.
"I'm still in the free world, Karl," he says, "and before I come in, I want to know what it's like in there."
"In communist hell," says Marx impatiently, "they flay you alive, then they boil you in oil, and then they cut you up into small pieces with sharp knives."
"But… but that… that's the same as capitalist hell!" protests the visitor, "Why such a long line?"
"Well," sighs Marx, "Sometimes we're out of oil, sometimes we don't have knives, sometimes no firewood…no matches..."
“Good one, Al”, I told him, and I proceeded to narrate a tale that may accurately reflect the present:
Senator Joe Lieberman and his rabbi are walking down the street In Washington, D.C. The rabbi asks the senator "What do you think of President Bush?"
"I can't tell you here," Joe replies. "Follow me."
They disappear down a side street. "Now tell me what you think of Bush," says the rabbi.
"No, not here," says Joe, leading him into the hallway of an apartment building.
"OK here then."
"No, not here. It's not safe."
They walk down the stairs into the deserted basement of the building.
"OK, now you can tell me what you think of the president."
"Well," says the Senator Lieberman, looking around nervously,"actually I LIKE him."

President Bush learned everything he knows from his little dog Barney. That’s right! When Barney barks at the moon, then it’s religion - but when he barks at strangers, it’s patriotism!

Are we THERE yet? Maybe not, but this is my STOP…

THIS JUST ___IN!!
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From theWhite House:
LI'L KIM DONG IL’S LETTER TO PRESIDENT BUSH

Maybe this recording of DUBYA singin’ a heartfelt ballad he wrote is what piled on just enough added stress t’ stop Ken Lay’s beatin’ heart:
ODE TO KEN "KENNY BOY" LAY (To be sung to the tune of "Danny Boy")
By Madeleine Begun Kane

Oh Kenny Boy, the jails, the jails are calling,
From state to state, and through the world so wide.
The money's gone, and all the chips are falling,
'Tis you, 'tis you must go and you must hide.

But come ye back when lawmen stop their yam'ring,
Or when the Dems are hushed and eating crow.
'Tis I'll be there in office or in Crawford,
Oh Kenny Boy, oh Kenny Boy, I love you so.

But if you're jailed, and I am in the Oval,
If I'm still Prez, as Prez I expect to be,
Don't come and ask for favors or a pardon,
Don't kneel and say a rescue plea to me.

For I shan't hear, tho' loud you beg before me,
Though all I craved you gladly gave to me.
You'll have to fend without me if you love me,
And you will keep your peace, so I stay Prez and free.

Comedian Argus Hamilton has the best current events liners for the past week:

The Justice Department announced last week they arrested seven men in Miami on charges of domestic terrorism. The men had no explosives and no blueprints and no ties to al-Qaeda. There must have been evidence they planned to marry each other.

Laura Bush threw a birthday party for President Bush in the White House this week. It was bittersweet. His friends laughed good-naturedly when he claimed he was thirty-nine, but nobody thinks his approval rating will EVER be that high again.

President Bush appeared on the Larry King Show on his birthday Thursday. Let's see - he had a big party for his birthday, he loves peanut butter and jelly sandwiches, and he throws tantrums whenever he doesn't get his way. He is trying to prove that sixty is the new twelve.

Hopefully Bush’s family & friends were able to calm him down just a little. The night before his birthday he attacked the New York Times for revealing his age.

President Bush had lunch with U.S. troops at Fort Bragg Tuesday. They enjoyed macaroni and cheese and fried chicken. The nice thing about going to Baghdad is that you can eat the foods you like and it doesn't reduce your life expectancy.

The Berkeley City Council just approved a ballot measure for November calling for President Bush to be impeached. Nobody seriously believes that the president committed an impeachable act. For crying out loud, he's a DICTATOR, not an ADULTERER!!

British power company Fiberwatt announced construction plans to build two power plants in North Carolina that will use chicken droppings to generate electricity. The substance is absolutely amazing. You can run an electric generator for over sixty hours just on the reasons BUSHCO gave for tappin' your phone.

Mexico's presidential election was W-A-A-A-Y-Y too close - as the business-oriented conservative claimed victory by .5% over the leftist candidate. It's a never-ending standoff. One side has the grassroots and the other side has the lawn mowers...

Syrian president Bashar Assad was startled at home last week when Israeli jets buzzed his house outside Damascus. He heard from other Arab leaders immediately. Baghdad Bob called him and asked if he needs a comedian to work the invasion.

Hillary Clinton said last week she baby-sat the children of migrant workers so they could go to work. That's how concerned she is about the welfare of minorities. Not only did she baby-sit for migrants, she took time off her job as a depot on the Underground Railroad to do it.

Da Rev: Let's see - Li'l Kim Il launched a long range missile this week that lost altitude after less than a minute. It went DOWN in the waters just off the land of the rising SONY!! 

HERE’S SOMETHIN’ REALLY, REALLY IMPORTANT!

From Jake Novak: Secret Formula Stolen
Three people face federal charges of stealing Coke's secret formula and offering it to Pepsi for $1.5 million. They also offered to sell Pepsi the secret formula for “New Coke” for 75 cents.

From Bang It Out! Dina Kraft, writing in the New York Times: Israel'sVersion of 'Wife Swap,' in Which Cultures and Religions Collide:

In a country where Jews and Arabs rarely mix, a reality television show brings together unlikely religious bedfellows, with mixed results. On Israel’s own version of the TV reality show ‘Wife Swap’ an Arab wife swaps with a Jewish wife… wonder if the kitchen is still kosher. 

More Argus: The Running of the Bulls was held in Spain on Wednesday. Prize bulls are set loose to chase after hundreds of idiots running through the streets of Pamplona. Once a year, despite ceaseless battering by the religious right, DARWIN has his day.

Jose Canseco accused Major League Baseball of ignoring steroid use and operating like the Mafia. He's been right about everything so far. Don't be surprised if Bud Selig announces one day that Jose Canseco sleeps with the Marlins.

SCROLL DOWN TO CHECK ___ Da Rev's take on Li'l Kim Il's Catastrophe & Why Ann Coulter is such a cunt!

WARNING!  PG-34!
 
DICKSCLIMBER… DISCLAIMER:
Da Rev takes no responsibility for distress caused by seeing naked pictures of your grandmother.

(Click on any image to ENLARGE IT!)  EBONY EVE

One day at the pearly gates, Jesus was in charge of accepting people into heaven. Time passed and nothing interesting happened until it was an old man's turn to be accepted. Jesus started to ask the usual questions:

- Hello son, what was you occupation during your time on earth?
- I was a carpenter, the old man replied.
- Really? Jesus started to think back at his old life and got curious, did you have any children?
- Yes, the old man replied, I had a son but he was taken away from me...
Jesus got really curious and asked:
- What did he look like?
- He had holes in his hands and his feet.
Jesus was shocked. He leaned closer to the old man and whispered:
- Father?
The old man lit up and asked with tears in his eyes:
- Pinocchio? 

LINDSAY LOHAN from

Gallery of the Absurd

The three wise men arrived to visit the child lying in the manger. One of the wise men was exceptionally tall and bumped his head on the low doorway as he entered the stable. “JESUS H. CHRIST!!” he shouted.
Joseph said, “Write that down, Mary. I like that MUCH better than ‘Kevin’!”

LI'L KIM - FREE AT LAST!!
A visitor to the Vatican needed to relieve himself. Imagine his surprise when in the restrooms he saw the Pope sitting on a toilet masturbating. As this was a sight few people would ever see, he quickly took a few photos. The Pope recovered his composure and bought the camera for $100,000. As it was a nice camera, the Pope decided to keep it and use it on his travels. One of his entourage noticed it and asked how much it cost.
"$100,000" said the Pope.
"HOLY CRAP, Your Excellency! That guy must have seen you coming!"

SULTRY SIREN IN NOIR THRILLERS - LIZABETH SCOTT

Sherlock Holmes and Dr. Watson are lying in bed one night. Sherlock runs off to the kitchen and comes back with a jar of lemon curd. Quickly he turns Dr. Watson over onto his knees and starts smearing it around his bum. "ZOUNDS, Holmes! What the bloody hell are you doing?" Dr Watson gasps.
Holmes smiles and replies, "It's a lemon entry my dear Watson".
A LEMON ENTRY...

Good fortune. COMMENT!!
Please spread the meme. Don’t smoke in bed…